Over the months, Tonks began spending less time at Headquarters. Her sudden and powerful awareness of her own feelings left her confused and doubtful. Each time Tonks saw Remus her stomach would tie into knots. This was a most unpleasant feeling, so she avoided it any way she could. She declined Molly's invitations to stay for dinner, claiming a massive pile of Ministry work was threatening to take over her living room. Though this might not seem like the best way to win over the one you desire, Tonks had grown very unsure of herself.
Remus was smart, mature and had seen horrors in his life that would match few others. Tonks was free-spirited, clumsy, and had joined the Auror ranks for the excitement. She listened to rock music from both muggle and wizard bands alike. Though she didn't exactly know where Remus' musical tastes happened to lie, she would venture a guess that it didn't involve punk rock or screaming hair bands. No two people in the world could be less matched for one another. And, of course, there was the age difference to think of. After doing some quick math, Tonks realized that when she was born Remus had been in his third year at Hogwarts already. Though she knew this didn't matter much to her, she knew others would talk. She also couldn't help but wonder what Remus would think of being with someone more than 10 years his junior.
And yet, despite all of these mismatched desires, Tonks found herself more and more drawn to the former professor each time they met. Her strong desires and doubts all mingled together made Order meetings rather awkward. She took to sitting beside Mad-Eye Moody each week; he tended to sit in the back of the room, away from the majority of members. During some meetings, this allowed Tonks an inconspicuous vantage point where she could watch Remus. During others, it provided a nice quiet place to hide. She found herself avoiding Remus and her cousin, Sirius, after the meetings, opting to slip out with the usual group of members who tended to decline the dinner invitation.
Though this style of living offered her the opportunity to ignore the nagging ache in her stomach that tended to accompany feelings of hopeless desire, it also left Tonks feeling incomplete. Before this startling revelation, she had lived happily drifting in and out of number 12 Grimmauld Place. She had reestablished a welcome relationship with broken family ties, made new friends and was reacquainted with old ones. She knew that, by avoiding the dingy old house she was growing disturbingly fond of, she was isolating herself from the people she cared about. The isolation was taking its toll on the usually social Auror; a fact that her cubicle neighbor, Jeremy was becoming aware of. He leaned against the entrance to Tonks' cubicle one afternoon, arms crossed, staring at the back of one of the few Aurors he could stand in the department.
"Alright, Tonks?" he asked, not bothering to mask the concern in his voice. She turned toward him, shoulders slightly hunched. Over the weeks, Jeremy had watched as Tonks' usually vibrantly colored and uniquely styled hair grew limp and dull.
"Alright, Jer." she responded with a soft smile. Jeremy glanced at her empty in-box. Tonks had thrown herself into her work, a fact that usually left her staring at the back wall of her cubicle in the afternoons, having finished all her paper work in the mornings.
"A few of us were going out for a drink after work. Think you'd like to come?" he asked. Tonks smiled at her friend and nodded.
"I'll be there." she said. Jeremy smiled brightly at her and went back to his cubicle. She remembered then that she was on watch duty that night for the Order. Dumbledore had requested that a few members of the Order guarded the item they believed Lord Voldemort was after. Tonight was Tonks' night. She glanced sideways at the magazine she had found a couple of days ago. A shiny motorcycle sat perfectly still on the front cover alongside a beautiful yet scantily clad model who showed herself off as much as the bike. Tonks scribbled a quick note on a plane white sheet of paper and left her cubicle. She walked casually down the hall and found the door she was looking for labeled "Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office" and knocked. A small, white haired wizard answered the door.
"May I help you?" he asked in a rather timid voice. Tonks smiled brightly at him.
"I was actually looking for Arthur Weasley. Is he in?" she asked unnecessarily. The office was quite small, barely big enough for two wizards to fit uncomfortably - Tonks could see Arthur clearly over the small wizard's head. Arthur waved Tonks in from his spot at his desk.
"'S'alright, Perkins." he said, getting up to greet Tonks. "What can I do you for, Ms. Tonks?" he asked cheerily. Tonks smiled at him.
"Wotcher, Arthur. I found this the other day; I thought you might be interested. It has all sorts of weird muggle odds and ends." she said, handing over the magazine. Arthur examined the front cover and then glanced up at Tonks, who winked at him. Arthur expressed his gratitude and Tonks headed back to her desk. Once Arthur was safely behind his one wall in the office, he opened the front cover and read the short note.
Arthur,
I won't be able to make it to the watch tonight. Urgent Auror business has just come up. Cover for me tonight, and I'll owe you one!
Tonks
P.S. I think Padfoot would love this!
Arthur sighed and pocketed the note before sending an owl to Molly that he wouldn't be home for dinner.
Tonks kept her plans with Jeremy that evening, and found she was having a very good time. The drinks flowed, jokes were made, and stories from Auror missions passed were swapped. Jeremy watched Tonks with a warm feeling of satisfaction. It wasn't much, but the color seemed to be returning to her skin and her hair had regained a fraction of its old flamboyancy. They continued their night in the pub well until midnight when an old owl flew in threw an open window. It landed on the nearest table it could find and then hopped via chair backs until it landed in front of Tonks. The owl stared up at Tonks with its old eyes and hooted at her softly.
"I think someone's found a friend." Jeremy joked. Tonks gave him a quick grin before untying the note on the owl's leg. The owl then collapsed on the table. "Oh my God! Waiter? Can we get some water over here?" he called to the waiter who had been serving them all night. The waiter promptly brought over a glass of water which Jeremy slowly fed to the exhausted owl he cradled in his arms. Tonks was oblivious as she stared at the words frantically scribbled on a scrap bit of parchment.
Tonks,
There's been an attack. Dad's in the hospital. Harry, Ginny, Fred, George and I are back at Headquarters. Dumbledore's called an urgent meeting.
Ron
P.S. Bring Errol back with you.
Tonks sat down in her usual spot beside Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody quietly as Professor Dumbledore started the meeting. She found she had trouble meeting the professor's eyes and took to staring either at her feet or at Hestia Jones' back. Dumbledore recapped the night's events, telling the Order that, thanks to one Harry Potter, Arthur would be fine. He explained the vision Harry had seen of the snake as it attacked Mr. Weasley. Tonks listened intently, knowing the pain she felt over the details of what she had, in essence, caused would serve as some small punishment. Dumbledore announced that Emmeline Vance would be taking over the watch for the rest of the evening. He pressed that everyone keeps their eyes open for suspicious activity (to which Moody grunted "constant vigilance") and called the meeting to an end. Tonks, staring at the floor stood and slid the chair aside to head for the door.
"Tonks!" someone called from behind her. She turned to see Sirius and Remus staring at her as she attempted to sneak out again. She looked up at the two men and gave them both a very half-hearted smile.
"Wotcher, boys." She said with lack luster cheer.
"Why don't you stick around for a while?" Sirius offered. Tonks felt horrible as it was and now her guilt was added to by the knowledge that she had abandoned her cousin in this old house from his unhappy youth without any form of explanation. It hadn't occurred to her how that might have affected him. She nodded and followed the two down to the kitchen. "You look like you could use a drink." Sirius said as he emerged from the pantry with a newer bottle of firewhiskey. Tonks sat down at the table and stared at the shiny, gnarled table top. There was a deep gash near the edge that she hadn't noticed before, the edges were rounded with wear and age. She vaguely wondered how it got there when Remus and Sirius sat down at the table; Sirius sitting at the end of the table on Tonks' right and Remus beside her on Tonks' left. Sirius slid a glass of firewhiskey toward her. She took it and downed the shot.
"You look like right shit, Tonks." Sirius noted as he downed his own shot. Tonks glanced up at him from the table and poured herself another drink.
"Wouldn't you if you sent a dear friend to his death?" she asked heavily. The two men became very aware that this was not her first drink of the night.
"Tonks, you couldn't have known. You had urgent business to attend to; no one blames you for that." Remus attempted to console her, placing a hand on her hunched shoulder. Tonks made a noise – it might have been a laugh, but there was no humor in the sound – and shook her head.
"Right, drinks with mates, real urgent." She admitted. The two glanced at each other before looking down at their inebriated friend. Neither commented on her confession, deciding she was reprimanding herself enough for the both of them.
"We're going to visit Arthur at St. Mungo's in the morning. Why don't you come with us?" Remus offered. Tonks glanced between Sirius and Remus, the slightest bit of confusion clear on her face. Remus sighed, setting his apologetic eyes on his old friend. "Well, by 'we' I mean the Weasley family, Harry, Hermione and myself." He amended. Tonks gave a single nod in understanding and began tilting her shot glass back and forth on the table. Remus and Sirius waited quietly as Tonks mulled over the idea in her head. Finally, deciding that she would feel worse if she didn't give Arthur her formal, in person apology, she agreed to go. The three sat around the table, mostly in silence, making a sizeable dent in the bottle's supply (mostly due to Sirius and Tonks) before Sirius decided to call it a night and wobbled up the stairs. Tonks poured herself one last drink and stared at the amber color, turning the heavy glass in the candle light. Remus watched her quietly.
"I've really mucked things up, haven't I?" Tonks asked, staring through the glass at the chair across from her. Remus raised his eyebrows and clasped his hands softly on the table, but didn't answer. He had the impression Tonks wasn't really asking him. She downed her last shot and put the glass on the table. Her chair scraped across the stone floor of the kitchen as she stood and turned toward the staircase. "See you around, Professor." She said with very little enthusiasm.
"Tonks, why don't you stay the night?" Remus asked out of the blue. Tonks spun around, nearly being tripped by her own unsteady legs, and placed her hand on the doorframe. Something inside her pulled her from her drunken stupor and she nearly smiled. "You've had a little too much to drink to Apparate, don't you think? You should stay here for the night. You can stay in your old room and we'll leave for St. Mungo's together in the morning." He offered. She nodded.
"Alright, then. I'll just be heading upstairs." She said, but as she turned, she caught her foot on the bottom step and fell forward, catching her forehead on the edge of the fifth step. Remus jumped up from the table and helped her stand up, examining the red spot on her forehead.
"Doesn't look too serious. Just a bump." He said with a soft smile, brushing his fingers very lightly across her forehead. Tonks swayed slightly on the spot, holding onto his arm for support. Remus almost laughed. "C'mon, I'll help you to your room." He offered, wrapping an arm around her back to keep her steady. In one fluid motion, Tonks turned toward him and fell against his chest just as his arm had wrapped around her back. Remus, fearing Tonks had passed out, quickly held his arm out to catch her, until he realized that she was still holding on. Suddenly, Tonks craned her neck up and kissed him. For a moment, she was certain he had kissed her back until he pulled away.
"Tonks, I can't. I'm sorry." He said softly. Tonks rested her forehead against his chest, but neither moved an inch apart. He stared down at her as her shoulders began to shake and wrapped his arms around her shoulders gently and let her cry against him.
St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries was located in an old section of London, one that used to house some of the most fashionable shops, such as Purge and Dowse, Ltd. Now the abandoned building served as the perfect hiding spot for the only all wizarding hospital in London. Tonks had been there several times before, both as a visitor and as the visited. Hospitals didn't bother her much, mostly she found them interesting. Her father had taken her to visit some muggle relatives in a hospital when she was younger and she grew to appreciate all the differences between the two lifestyles. Since she became an Auror, there had been several times when she would have to visit a witch or wizard at St. Mungo's for questioning. The floor for spell damage was always her favorite. Certain spells, she was quite sure, were conjured to entertain her alone.
On this day, as she walked to the front of the store with the rather large group of visitors around her, she would have rather stayed in bed. She was going to see the man she had personally sent to the slaughter house. She was going to have to look him in the eye and apologize and know that it should have been her in Arthur Weasley's place. Tonks barely looked around her as she followed the row of bright red heads in front of her to Arthur's room. They followed the signs pointing in the direction of the Dai Llewellyn Ward for Serious Bites. Tonks was super conscious of Remus behind her. The ward they were headed for was also home to the recently bitten werewolves, the ones who had not seen their first full moon yet.
The palm of Tonks' hand itched as she longed to reach behind her and take his hand as they moved forward. She could use his comfort right now. Though the memories were a tad fuzzy, Tonks recalled crying against Remus' chest the night before. His embrace had been what she needed. He didn't speak, he didn't try and calm her. He simply held her, though not in quite the same way she would have liked, but it was plenty good enough. Tonks longed for even a fraction of that feeling.
Tonks was suddenly aware that the group had stopped walking. They had reached, not only the correct ward, but were now standing at the foot of Arthur's bed. All Tonks could do was stare. Arthur seemed barely able to open his eyes or move at all. He was heavily bandaged in some places, others were showing signs of healing. His bed was propped up at a shallow angle, allowing him to sit as his family crowded around. Arthur gently rolled his head in Tonks and Remus' direction.
"Tonks, Remus. How good of you to come." He said in a barely audible, hoarse voice. Tonks opened her mouth to apologize, but felt a rising lump in her throat choke off the words. Just as she was about to settle with a nod, she felt a hand against her back that pushed her a few steps forward. This startled her out of her moment of self pity and she stammered on with her apology.
"Arthur, I'm so…" she paused for a moment to look behind her where Remus had urged her forward. He was glancing at a nurse tending to a man in a bed across from Arthur's. "I'm so sorry this happened, Arthur. I should have been there, not you." Once she started, Tonks found it very difficult to stop. Arthur raised his hand as best he could to silence her and the ghost of a smile spread across his lips.
"No need to apologize, Tonks. However, I think you owe me more than one now, wouldn't you agree?" he asked. Tonks let out a choked laugh and nodded, feeling her eyes beginning to sting a little. She rested her hands on Ginny's shoulders and listened to the family talk. A few moments later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up and saw Remus leaning over her toward Arthur.
"I'm sorry I can't stay longer, Arthur. I have some business I need to attend to. Take care of yourself." He said and with that, he left the hospital.
Days passed and Tonks visited Arthur in the hospital several times before he was released. The Healers gave Arthur a good prognosis, saying he'd be back to normal in no time. She also began spending a bit more time at Headquarters. It seemed as though things were on their way to being normal again until one evening, after a meeting, something had occurred to Tonks.
"Where's Remus?" she asked Sirius. There had been a full moon several days earlier, however Remus seemed to be taking an unusually long time to recover. For a moment, it seemed as though her stomach had disappeared all together as she anticipated Sirius' answer.
"He's on assignment." He answered shortly before walking away. Tonks didn't press the topic. She knew certain assignments were more secretive than others. Something in her gut, which had only half returned, told her that Sirius knew more than he was sharing. Most assignments were open to anyone in the Order unless one person was more qualified for the task than another. Though Remus had many qualities that would put him as top choice for certain missions, Tonks couldn't help shake the worry that this had to do with his condition. She wanted details, and she knew exactly who to go to in order to get them.
One evening, after many of the Order members had left 12 Grimmauld Place, Tonks decided she was going to question her dear old cousin. This time, with a bit more persuasion. It had been months since Sirius had had any form of communication with Harry and he had been hitting the bottle heavily over the past few weeks. Tonks decided to offer him some company. Sirius was already well into his bottle of firewhiskey. His words were slurring and his equilibrium was way off balance. Normally, Tonks would have pulled the bottle away from him, claiming he'd had enough. On this night, however, she was certain he hadn't had nearly enough. A few hours and several shots later, Tonks decided he was pissed enough to start asking questions.
"So where is Remus, exactly?" she asked, trying to stifle a laugh after a particularly funny story from Sirius' days at Hogwarts. Sirius took another shot and shook his head, sighing as he swallowed.
"I'm not s'posed t'say." He slurred. Just as she had thought. Tonks nodded and adopted an innocent tone.
"Did Dumbledore tell you not to say?" she asked, tracing the rim of the shot glass in front of her. Sirius shook his head, nearly throwing himself off his chair.
"Hmm mm. Remus doesn't wan'me t'say." He continued. Tonks' eyes widened slightly. This wasn't a truly secret mission after all.
"Why wouldn't he want you to tell anyone?" she pressed. Sirius laughed.
"No' jus' anyone, coushin. He doesn't wan'me t'tell you." He pointed an unsteady finger at her. Tonks' brow furrowed as she stared at him, trying to piece the information together.
"Why wouldn't he want me to know, then?" she asked, not bothering to hide her curiosity.
"Doeshn' wan' you t'worry." He answered, pouring himself another shot. Tonks slid the bottle away from him. He gave her a faintly indignant look then adopted a rather comical look of curiosity. "Why d'you wanna know anyway?" he asked. Tonks just shook her head.
"Curiosity is all. Why doesn't he want me to know?" she asked again. Sirius shook his head.
"Huh uh…No' jus' curiosity, is it, cuz? You love my frien' Mmm…Moony, don't you?" he struggled to get out. Tonks sat back in her chair and stared wide eyed at him. Deciding he wouldn't remember this in the morning, she continued to press without answering his question.
"Why, Sirius?" she asked. Sirius hiccupped.
"He doesn't wan't you t'worry." He repeated as his eyes unfocused and he stared off into nowhere. None of this seemed to be making sense. Tonks was beginning to wonder if he was too drunk to give her actual information.
"Why would I worry?" she asked. Sirius rested his bleary gaze on her for a moment, but didn't answer. "Sirius, please tell me. Why did he think I would worry?" Sirius swayed in his seat. "Does the mission have to do with him being a werewolf?" she asked. Sirius seemed to sober up a bit at the question and finally locked his gaze on her.
"I migh' have tol' him 'bout your Boggart." He admitted. Finally the truth was out. Remus' mission was about him being a werewolf. And he had asked Sirius to not tell her specifically. She stood and headed up to one of the many drawing rooms in the house and sat down on a near by couch. Her mind was reeling. She thought back to the night of Arthur's attack. She had kissed him. It was short lived and bitter sweet, but she could still feel his lips against hers. Now he was gone, maybe miles away, doing something that Tonks knew in her heart was dangerous. Tonks curled up on the couch and fell asleep there, dreaming about Remus. Dead and alive.
