Chapter 18

Thomas chuckled inwardly, he'd almost heard a smile in her voice. If he thought back a week or so, he would never have imagined having this kind of a conversation with her. It was as inappropriate as that kiss when she left. Things had changed in the last week and spurred on by the hint of the smile he'd heard, he continued.

"Cutting room?"

He felt Nikki shake her head against her seat. "We never had sex at work." Nikki stated scientifically.

"Harry never said that, he asked where you'd made love…"

"Same difference." Nikki insisted.

"I don't think so," Thomas disagreed. "So just not at work then?" Thomas surmised taking Nikki's silence as an agreement. "Why did he leave?"

"Lots of reasons, it's complicated."

"We've got hours, try me."

"Because it was never enough; it made us too vulnerable,"

How could love not be enough? Thomas felt like asking. But he knew the answer to that question. So instead he just asked, "How?"

"It's complicated, Thomas."

"So you keep saying,"

"We were selfish, messed up, in need of comfort. It wasn't healthy."

Thomas sighed. All those incidents in the accident book. With in-office relationships frowned upon, no doubt the pair of them had come up with some complicated arrangement that only let them spend the night together after the most horrific of days. It would go a long way to explain their reckless disregard for personal safety towards the end of Harry's time at the Lyell. He'd seen the way they'd spoken to each other today, that intuitive closeness. It had been inevitable.

This trip to Mexico had given him an understanding of the pain that trip to Budapest must have caused. Had they sat silent and still in each other's arms as she and Jack had done earlier? It had been Harry missing. He doubted Nikki would have been as stoic as Jack had been, back at the hospital. She would have wept and sobbed and broken what was left of Harry's heart. And what may have started as a friendly kiss to chase the tears away would never had stayed that way. They had both been pushed to the limit, looked death in the face and then unexpectedly been thrown back together. However it started the instinct for life; to love and seek comfort would have driven them forward. The consummation becoming something primal and overwhelming to blunt the sharpness of the pain.

He'd put money on that being when it started.

And after? They'd have tried to go back to how they were. But there would always be something else, some horror pushing them back towards each other and by then the arrangement they must have made would have just exacerbated their self-destructive behaviour. She had said it herself. They were selfish, messed up and Harry had chosen to leave before his time ran out.

He realised Nikki hadn't actually spoken of any of these ideas.

"We both had had difficult lives…" she began

"He never believed he was allowed to be happy, and you never believed you were allowed to be loved." Thomas stated.

Nikki sat up sharply and stared at him. Thomas paled. They'd never had a conversation like this before. It was totally unprofessional. He'd never pressed her about anything personal and now he'd done it all wrong and she would clam up like before. What was he thinking? Straying so far from his job remit. He should stick to what he knew best; gruff, friendly indifference. She was still staring at him opened mouthed. What had he said? Where had that thought even come from?


So do you think it was possible? It would answer some questions... I love to hear your ideas.