Chapter 2
It was clear that Edward needed further assurance from me that this wedding was what I wanted. And it was what I wanted. I wanted to marry Edward. I wanted to be with him until the end of time. I wanted to become part of the family I had grown so close to since I moved to Forks. I opened my mouth to declare all this to Edward, but something stopped me. If I was completely honest with myself, I didn't feel ready for marriage.
I had read enough books to know that a bride should be excited in the run-up to her wedding to the man she loves, and the truth was I didn't feel excited about my wedding to Edward. My sudden realisation stunned me. What was wrong with me?!? Any woman in her right mind would be delighted to be marrying Edward. The curious, envying looks I had received from half the female population of Forks since news of our engagement had gotten out was testament to that. But to say that I was looking forward to getting married would be a lie.
I wanted Edward, certainly, but my stomach knotted at the thought of being somebody's wife, even if that somebody was Edward Cullen, the love of my existence. I didn't want a wedding; it was the afterwards I was eagerly anticipating. To me, the wedding itself was a rather uncomfortable and undesirable hurdle to be jumped before Edward and I could move on with the rest of our long lives together. It was like a final exam in school, a formality that had to be endured to get me where I wanted to go in life. If I had to get married to begin my eternal life with Edward, I would do so, but being completely honest with myself, this was not what I wanted.
Edward sighed, reminding me that I was not alone. My dark eyes locked on his, knowing that he would see that all was not well. I said nothing, waiting for the agonised questions that I knew would spill forth from his perfectly formed lips. I was not kept waiting long.
"You say that, Bella, but when I look in your eyes I can see that you are unhappy," Edward said in a rush, "I know you well enough to be able to tell when you are troubled." His face took on an expression of steely resolve. "You're troubled now. You've changed your mind, haven't you?"
I shook my head, anxious to deny it, but Edward's next words stopped me.
"Please don't lie to me, Bella," Edward murmured heartbrokenly. "I know you are only doing so to spare my feelings, but please, be honest with me."
I sighed. Either way, Edward's feelings would get hurt. If I kept my misgivings to myself, Edward being Edward would probably jump to about a million conclusions as to what might be causing my worry. I knew his over-analytical brain was more than capable of coming up with the worst possible scenario and then running away with it... The last thing I wanted to do was let him think that this might be about something, or even worse someone else. But if I was to tell Edward the truth, it would devastate him for sure.
I knew that marriage was important to Edward. Given the era in which he was raised, this was unsurprising. It was simply the way things were for him. Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy proposes to girl, girl joyfully accepts boy, and then boy and girl get married and live happily ever after, preferably producing lots of beautiful, chubby-cheeked children. Ugh. This whole pattern of events was simply not me. Nothing about my relationship with Edward was conventional, and I found it hard to reconcile our extraordinary bond with something as staid and traditional as marriage. I had to tell him though...
I cleared my throat, and then stared at the ceiling, unable to meet Edward's gaze as I spoke the words that would undoubtedly break his heart. "Maybe I do have some misgivings," I mumbled, so low and so quickly that it would have been unintelligible to anyone not equipped with supernatural hearing skills.
Hearing not a sound from Edward, I gingerly turned my head to look at him. His eyes were tightly closed, eyelids scrunched up as he took in rapid, shallow breaths. Agony was written clearly across his perfect face, and I felt my own heart beat faster as I realised how much I had hurt him. Stupid Bella! Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone! Typical me, putting my foot in it! He was deeply hurt by my words. I had hurt him!
Edward's breathing slowed to deep, calming breaths. He kept his eyes closed, but began to speak. "I once said that I would not stand in your way, Bella." His tone was laboured, the effort he was exerting to merely speak clearly and calmly seemed immense. "If this is not what you want, I will bow to your wishes. I'm a selfish creature, but not so selfish as to put my own happiness before yours. I only want you to be happy, and if that happiness is not to be found with me..." At this point, Edward's voice wavered slightly, before he recovered his air of stoic resignation. Never before had he seemed so human, so vulnerable.
Wait a minute; he thought I didn't want him?!?
"No, Edward!" I cried out, throwing myself forward to fall onto his lap. "You are all I want, I love you!" Tears pooled in my eyes and my throat began to burn with an aching need to sob. I was anxious to set his mind at ease, but there was a part of me that was irritated by the way Edward constantly doubted my decision to choose him over Jacob. Surely my words should be enough to convince him? Since that night Edward had soothed me as I cried for Jacob, not once had I given him grounds to wonder if I regretted my choice. Why must I keep doing this?
I pushed my annoyance to the side for the present; right then, soothing Edward was my number one priority. I could not bear to think that he was suffering because of me. I needed to convince him that my love was as enduring and unchanging as his was for me. But how?
Edward's posture hadn't changed. His eyes were still tightly shut and his hands were tangled more deeply than mine had ever been in the bedcovers. I curled closer still to him, moulding my warm body to his hard, cold form. "Edward?" I said hesitantly, my voice little more than a whisper. "Edward, my love?" The mask of resolve on his face dropped for a moment as I said his name, and I saw how much pain he was in. In a fraction of a second, he had regained control over his expressions. I spoke again, determined to get through to him.
"Edward, open your eyes, please look at me," I insisted, the ever increasing lump in my throat making it hard to speak. "Please let me explain." I reached up to cup his cheek in my warm hand. Edward turned his face ever so slightly to greet the sensation of my touch. Even in his anguish, he could not resist the appeal of my skin on his.
Slowly, Edward raised his pale eyelids, and locked eyes with me. "What's to explain?" he said sadly. "I knew all along that this was too good to be true. You've been too kind to me, Bella, allowing me to believe that this might be possible. I don't deserve to have you. It's only natural."
I didn't know what to say to him! Every time I vowed to Edward that he was all I wanted, all I needed, he made me feel like I was speaking to a brick wall! It was frustrating, to say the least, and this time none of my words seemed to be working!
For once, I allowed myself to feel all the built-up frustration that I felt towards this amazing, mesmerising, infuriating man. Barely conscious of what I was doing, I abruptly removed my hand from Edward's cheek, only to return it a split-second later with a resounding smack!
"Ow!" I screeched, cradling my now throbbing hand protectively to my chest, "Fuckthat hurts!" In my pain, I didn't care that Edward's eyes had widened at my use of the expletive. I did, however, register that my actions had spoken louder than all my words had. Edward immediately wrapped his arms around me, his aloofness forgotten. The only expression to be currently seen on his face was one of concern.
"Bella?" he exclaimed, "Your hand! What, I mean, why would you do that to yourself? You could have shattered every bone in your arm!"
I gritted my teeth against the excruciating pain. "I did it because I am so pissed off with you!" I spat out through clenched teeth. "Why can't you do me the courtesy of believing me when I tell you how I feel about you?!?"
Edward's gaze was incredulous. He opened his mouth, preparing to speak, but I didn't give him a chance to interject.
"I love you, Edward Cullen!" I continued, my tone leaving no room to doubt the truth of what I was saying. "I love you, not fucking Jacob Black, alright?!? You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with! I want to spend the rest of eternity with you! Believe me, please, because honestly, I think we both know that I don't have the strength to beat the truth into you!"
The corner of Edward's mouth quirked upwards slightly. It wasn't a smile, but it was a start. He shook his head. "Your poor hand, Bella," he said softly. It was already starting to swell.
"Forget my hand, Edward," I replied, my voice lowering to match his in volume. "I don't care how many broken bones it takes, if it means that you will believe me when I say that I love only you."
Edward's eyes were beginning to lighten to a tawnier colour. I took this as a good sign and placed my uninjured hand over his silent heart.
"I want to believe you," Edward replied, "but it just seems so impossible..."
"Believe me...it's possible," I vowed, rubbing his chest through the linen of his shirt.
His face clouded over once more. "But, my love, you said you are having some misgivings," Edward said reluctantly, as if he was afraid what my answer might be.
I sighed. I had hoped he had forgotten this for the moment in the heat of his concern for my injury. Perfect vampire recall...no such luck! I couldn't let this go, not now when I had just yelled at Edward more honestly than I had ever even imagined doing previously. I needed to explain, once and for all. The last thing we needed was Edward jumping to more conclusions.
"Yes, I said I have some misgivings, and it's true. I do," I said, looking deeply into Edward's eyes, impelling him to listen, not infer. I needed him to understand what I was saying. "I've been having some doubts, Edward, but not about you and me. I think I've made it perfectly clear that I love you, and only you."
Both our eyes flashed to my hand, which was turning a sickly patchwork of purple and blue splodges.
"It can wait," I said dismissively, knowing that Edward was about to suggest that we suspend this conversation until my hand had been attended to. We needed to clear the air now. "
Edward nodded curtly. I smiled slightly.
"I'm worried about the wedding, Edward. I...I'm not sure if it's what I want..."
"Oh," he said.
That one syllable said it all.
