Ara ara... I'm upset with right now... T.T
I spent a good hour coming up with responses and disclaimers for this new chapter, and it goes and deletes them because it logged me out! It's just not fair!
Alright... let's see if I can remember what I was gonna say... 1) Narutohaloevolved asked me to request fanart from you guys. I'd love it too, PM me on here or DA (SilentMagi) if you take me up on the fanart, I'd love to see it. 2) I don't own anything, save maybe Captain Porno and his cracktastic theme... 3) No more dying on me people! Zombie reviews are always so boring, all about brains and what not... 4) We upped the bar on number of reviews again, this time with a glorious 19 reviews! Ain't that wonderful? 5) I'm back on my wonderful, magnificent main system Wizard, and Ranger(Laptop) is taking a well deserved break. Rogue(File server) has been busy too, so I'm glad my team is holding out, Fighter and Sage are both down for now.
Onto Responses, which I'm sorry are gonna probably be shorter than normal. Sorry folks.
Kitty Otaku: NYA~! It's Nekotaku! Ara ara... sorry about the name thing... Thanks for the review, don't worry about the lack of reviewing so far, I'm just glad you're enjoying it too. MSkyDragon's "The Mating Frenzy" is a personal favorite of mine, so that's quite an honor, thanks! Here's some more for your enjoyment.
spottedstar2: Yay for Loggage! No, Ibiki's not gay, he's just under the influence of the pheromones. And I think it may be best to just leave Kyuubi alone for a bit... Thank you!
WINDXNINJA: If this is wrong, can I refuse to be right? Ara ara, I miss the comedy of younger Naruto sometimes, don't you guys? If you've kept current, you know what I'm talking about. Here's some more, hot off the presses.
naturokurosaki: *looks at the various character based muses floating around behind him* Am I strange? *smiles at the nodding* Thought so... Ara ara, you flatter me. ^.^;; And yeah, Ibiki swoops in to save his precious darling Naruto from a fate worse than death. Hopefully the next part is as interesting as you thought.
Ezra Troup: Good? Alrighty then... More flattery? Stop, you're making me blush! Ara ara, the Ancient Mechina is sleeping now, behold the unleashed power of my main system! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! *pets Ranger* Don't worry baby, daddy still loves you... yes he does... he still wuvs you... *looks up* What? I'm allowed a few quirks... Anywhatsits, glad you're having fun on this trip, stick around it's bound to be interesting... and I shall endevour to continue writing.
Elemental Dragon Swordman: . . . *passes over the brain bleach and a couple ice bag* You set mates? Good. I'm sure it won't be that bad this chapter... (all lie detectors in ten miles of any reader of this fic are going off now)
Terminally Ambivalent: You think YOU'RE mentally scarred... think about Naruto for a moment... As for the trip... I'm sorry by the therapists are booked solid with the other therapists... What can ya do? *shrugs* Ara ara, updated.
volrath77: You think of the children... personally I think they'll be dashingly handsome little sons and beautiful daughters... oh you meant the ones living... uhh... kiddos advert your eyes, and don't mind the bleeding eyeballs, gnashing teeth, and lamentations to the deities of their choice...
Anonymous: Hey Bob. Good seeing you again. Yeah, the clones are warding off evil, ya know? As for the tux... wouldn't a better curious point be Naruto's dress? Fitted in his size? Go figure... Yeah... considering that Kyuubi's usual method of taking things not so well is leveling countries... I think this is going well... Everyone once removed from the jutsu will have a variety of reactions, that I'm sure we'll all enjoy. The Grand Crack Mountain... cops and junkies as far as the eye can see... Updated.
badkidoh: Thank you.
The-Eighth-Sin: Yep, Man-bride. Sorry about the short chapter, was sick. Kon-chan lost focus when Naruto fell, thus lost her transformation... what do you expect? She's only a kid! Here's some more!
90MLLu: Yours is the one I hated losing the most... so much said, lost T.T *goes to sulk for a couple minutes* Anywhosits... Kakashi asked me to pass on that it's proven in canon that no, he would not like to have Sennin Garoshi done on him... Kyuubi gets some loving soon I think... Thanks for the details, I'll try to continue to improve... A speech? Uhh... I can but try...
First of all, I'd like to thank the English teachers that said I'd never be a good writer, HAHAHA! Second, the Dark Lord, Satan, cause his hand has to be in this somewhere... Third, any and all deities that have seen to it that the characters haven't leapt off the page and tried to kill me in my sleep... and finally you Fans... CAUSE YOU'RE FREAKING AWESOME! WOO!
CelticReaper: Sorry about the sides, you're welcome, updating now.
Trinity the Kitsune Kunoichi: *revives through a dark and foul ceremony binding your soul to mine* Come my minion... we have much to d-ACK! *gets brained by a muse* Sunnova... Right the review... Thank you. Will do. Updating. Here's more. I've always found it interesting. As for Ibiki's proposal... well he is a gentleman...
AkioofWind: Captain Porno's detained... and uhh... he'd probably lead them... ya know... cause he's a pervert? More to come!
MissDude93: *revives with the wonderful, mysterious, and awe inspiring authorial powers, otherwise known as a defibrillator* Bad fan! No dying! BAD! As for those golden double arches, I'm fairly certain they have nothing to do with this fic... though if I see a clown walking towards me, I'm burning it alive and salting the ashes.
O.o: (No, I didn't make that one up...) Yeah... sorta the point, to be unexpected.
Goategg: Yep, there's more of the point, insanity comes free of charge too.
jolteonforever: *passes over glue and duct tape* Here, attach your backside with this... makes it easier to sit... You can keep Haku... buuut Zabuza does NOT come seperately... just passing on the message from Zabuza... Yeah innuendoes will happen... and I'm gonna enjoy them each time. Aren't you? Kyuubi's not dead, it's because of the seal being influenced by the Shinigami that he's able to appear like he is... yeaaaaahhhh... that's the ticket... Those lust filled beings, with a cream center! ^.^ Sasuke will be making an appearance, as will Orochimaru... kukuku enjoy
Icha Icha: Animal Magnetism
Chapter 15: Fortissimo Crescendo
Naruto looked down at the man before him, he was proposing to him, after having dressed him in a very lovely, if curious dress. "Uhh... well Morino-sama, we hardly know each other... I mean we haven't gone on dates or anything... I don't even know why you're proposing to me..." Naruto offered, feeling very out of place, what with the leading torturer of Konoha kneeling on the debris strewn carpet before him.
The last thing he expected was for Ibiki to pull out a storage scroll and summon forth a baby grand piano. In fact, Naruto didn't even know that one of them could fit into a storage scroll, having seen one once before in his travels with the damned Ero-sennin who had gotten him in this damned mess. The next thing he witnessed blew seeing the summoning of the piano out of the water. Ibiki began playing a gentle song on it.
After a moment Ibiki's deep gravelly voice began to sing out, "You are... so... beautiful..." Ibiki sang, sounding like a blender stuffed with pebbles and sand, on high. "To me!"
Ibiki played a couple of notes, his eyes locked on Naruto's, winking suggestively to the now physically ill genin. "You are... so... beautiful..." Ibiki crooned, leaning towards the nauseated kitsune, "To me..."
Ibiki closed his eyes as he began to belt out the next part of the song. "CAN'T YOU SEE? You're everything that I hope for.... You're everything I need..." Ibiki finished, before quieting and lowering his eyes. "You are... so... beautiful..." Ibiki softly sang, his voice sounding almost normal, "To me..."
Ibiki would have continued singing, had it not been for the small fact that his audience had hiked up his skirt, and took off running like a little girl, while trying to hold down what little he had on his stomach so far. Ibiki only took a moment to look hurt before he stood up and ran after him, holding his hands limply off to the side. "Naru-kuuun! Wait for me my darling! You haven't accepted my proposal!"
Naruto meanwhile was running for more than his life, more than his virginity, more than even his sanity. If he didn't get away from that disturbing mental image soon he'd very well dump is stomach all over the place. Skiddind past a door, he rebounded off the next one and dove into an empty room, hooking the doorknob with his foot and slamming it shut.
Leaning against the door he panted for breath, his chest heaving as he looked around the room he found himself in. The room looked like it had been empty for years, if the layers of dust were anything to go by. But at least there was a window he could escape from, hopefully unseen. Peeking his head out, he smiled as he didn't hear, see, or smell anyone nearby.
Slipping out the window, with chakra sticking him to the side of the building, he calmly walked down, and began making the trek to his apartment, or the hospital. Maybe he could get one of those hazmat suits for himself and just wait out the next forty-seven hours, 56 minutes, and 32 second. His trip however, was cut short when he caught sight of Sasuke standing at the end of the street with his head bowed. Naruto was about to turn away when the emo-avenger stuck his hand into the air with a shout of "SMUT!"
Naruto's jaw dropped as an arc of flame sprang forth, streaking up and to the left, where he caught sight of Neji. A moment after their eyes locked, Neji activated his Byakugan and thrust his palm out, a jet of chakra shooting out as he cried out. "VOYER!"
Naruto's eyes tracked the jet of chakra across to the other rooftop, where he found Sakura with a huge pile of yaoi magazines. He couldn't help but pale when he noticed the cover picture of the one she had open had a man that looked very much like himself front and center, while a swarm of men came in at him. "SLASH!" were the words he heard her cry without looking up from her magazines.
Suddenly he heard a disturbance on the ground level, causing him to turn and look. And there, down the street almost even with Sasuke was Jiraiya hopping on one foot, doing his introduction dance. However, instead of his usual scroll, a huge edition of Icha Icha sprang out, landing in the middle of the road. "PERVERT!"
Next came a sight that threatened to put Naruto into the hospital from blood loss. For there, in only her fishnet bodysuit and a smile was Anko, however, what next he saw was the real eye catcher. For following on a leash was a gagged, and bikini-clad Kurenai Yuhi. A very small bikini at that, leaving little to the imagination. Anko smiled saucily at Naruto before wrapping her leg around Kurenai's hips and licking the gagged jounin's neck lightly. "Tart..." she whispered huskily, which Naruto barely heard over the thundering in his ears.
Anko then arched backwards and flipped open the giant Icha Icha novel, where a strange sight occurred next.
Naruto heard a deep voice speaking quietly but building in power. "By your powers combined..." the voice spoke as Kakashi Hatake, the lazy copy-nin himself rose slowly from the depths of the book, wearing only a speedo and a mask. He pulled out his trademark little orange book out of seeming thin air and struck a dramatic pose. "I AM CAPTAIN PORNO!"
As Naruto's mind tried, and failed repeatedly to reboot from the deluge of disturbing mental images, he faintly heard the thumping music in the background as Tsunade strode in purposefully, holding a microphone. The others all began to dance and jive in the background as she began singing. "Captain Porno, he's a hero! Gonna take morals down to zero!"
Tsunade smirked at the still stunned Naruto, pointing a finger at Kakashi. She never missed a beat as she continued singing, taking a mystical tone to her voice, "He's got powers... magnified! And he's fighting on perversion's side!"
Dropping to her knees while facing away from Naruto, Tsunade arched back, giving him an excellent view of her fabled breasts of holiest glories. Even in this pose, however her voice came out even more powerful than before. CAPTAIN PORNO! HE'S A HERO! GONNA TAKE MORALS DOWN TO ZERO!"
Rolling back up, she curled a finger off to her left, where Shizune pranced in dressed up in a disturbingly shiny pony outfit, dragging a rickshaw behind her. "Gonna help him... put asunder..." Tsunade sang as she climbed into the rickshaw, looking directly into Naruto's eyes. "Nice guys who like to look and wonder!" With a playful wink, Tsunade grabbed the hem of her shirt and flashed Naruto. The poor blonde's mind, which had just started to rebuild itself into something resembling working order was unprepared for the assault, and was sent reeling into the stone age.
In the background, Naruto thought he heard Gai yelling at the top of his lungs, "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS CAPTAIN PORNO!" while Tsunade rode out of sight, but he had no way of knowing for certain.
This however was thrown out of his very limited capacity thinking processes as the original five suddenly surrounded him, chanting. "WE'RE THE PORNOTEERS!" Together as one they all pointed at Naruto, their fingers inches away from his head. "YOU CAN BE ONE TOO!" With this they pulled away, Anko began to grind against Kurenai with a heavy blush on her cheeks, while Jiraiya watched through his telescope, Sasuke memorized everything with his Sharingan, Neji examined everything in great detail thanks to his Byakugan, Sakura read her yaoi again, and Kakashi eye smiled at the scene before him, even as they continued to chant. "'Cause Perverting the planet is the thing to do!"
Just as Naruto's mind came to grasp with what he was witnessing, and how extremely hot it was, the group held up a group of mirrors, showing him in the wedding dress from several angles while shaking their fingers tauntingly. "Waiting and mating is not the way..."
The entire group dropped their mirrors to the ground and twirled, ending up on their knees, bowing down before Kakashi. "See what Captain Porno has to say!"
Kakashi eye smirked, and began rolling his hips around a few times, before pelvic thrusting at Naruto, claiming. "THE PORNO IS YOURS!"
Naruto stood gob smacked at the outer edge of the group's semi circle, his mind barely able to process all that he'd seen. He was suddenly aware that there was someone missing from the group kneeling before Kakashi, as slowly a leash was lowered over his head, and pulled tight across his chest. This caused him to stumble back into a very soft pair of breasts, and see that it was Kurenai who had captured him.
Leaning down to his ears, she whispered very softly, her lips tickling his ears ever so lightly. "Isn't it nice, Naruto-kun? They're all in my genjutsu... and if you want, I could have them do anything right now." Kurenai's voice took on a silken tone as she licked his ear ever so gently. "All you have to do... is say that you'll be mine... otherwise... I'm sure I can... convince you..."
At the word convince, she trailed the end of her leash over Naruto's whiskered cheeks. The poor mentally scarred Jinchuuriki's eyes bulged until they nearly popped out of their sockets. Desperately he looked around for something... ANYTHING to get him out of this mess. His answer came in the form of a swarm of bugs flying towards him.
Dropping down out of Kurenai's grasp he dove into the swarm of bugs, thankful that they weren't attacking him, but instead seemed to be protecting him as he ran away. Looking back, he saw that a smaller swarm was holding Kurenai at bay. "Thanks Shino... I owe you two..." Naruto muttered, guessing at the source of his rescue.
Meanwhile on a building a few streets away, one Aburame blushed slightly under his coat, while he knelt next to his teammate Hinata, who hid under a blanket, back in her usual attire. "Hinata, he is free of Kurenai, keep watching him please, but remember, we are to not get near lest his pheromones take an effect on us again."
Getting a squeak in reply he hugged her and whispered softly, "It's only another forty-six hours, one minute, and ten seconds... we can hold out."
Despite his brave words, he feared for Naruto, as he hadn't been able to track down his other teammate, Kiba Inuzuka. And many of the other ninjas of Konoha were still missing.
Back with Naruto, everything was working fine, the bugs were guiding him away from people, and repelling those that managed to come upon him. He had even managed to get some ramen from Ichiraku's stand, the owners having left a sign proclaiming it was his for him. After checking it for poisons and such, he was satisfied and began wolfing down the double portion.
Right now he was resting in the park, talking to the one of the insects that had settled onto his finger. "I wonder where Kon-chan is... I lost her when Ibiki tackled me and haven't seen her since... Hey, if you guys see her, could you bring us together? I'm worried about her..."
Naruto smiled when the bug buzzed it's wings, and bobbed its entire body once. Looking around he sighed and levered himself up. "Well, gotta keep going, I have a little over forty-five hours left... and there's a lot of people out there..."
Naruto followed the insects' guidance, until he ran into a problem that they didn't consider. Naruto couldn't fly, and the steep incline they'd came to was enough to send him sliding downward. If he had been more awake, he could have stopped his progress by any number of means. But instead he went sledding down to Kami knows where.
Unfortunately, Kami had little to do with what he had found at the base of the slide he'd just been sent down. For there before him, in pasty white glory, clad only in an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini, that he probably wore for the first time today, was Orochimaru. What was more disturbing then the fact for all intent and purposes there was little that Naruto didn't know about the snake sannin's body, was that he was currently licking both of his nipples with his own tongue.
Upon seeing Naruto, the pale, pedophilia inclined ninja slurped in his tongue, looking like he was enjoying it a mite too much. Naruto didn't want to even hazard a guess as to what the other was thinking, when suddenly thumping music filled the entire area, and Orochimaru began singing in a rather feminine voice. "I love myself... I want you to love me..."
Orochimaru began crawling towards Naruto, wiggling his rear in a seductive manner. "When I'm feelin' down, I want you above me..."
Standing before the frozen Jinchuuriki, he took one hand and lightly traced his own saliva slicked nipple. "I search myself..." he sang before leaning in to whisper huskily, "I want you to find me..."
"I forget myself," the ghastly apparition continued on, looking Naruto dead in the eyes. "I want you to remind me..."
As the music swelled, Naruto desperately wondered if it was possibly to die of revulsion, because there before him, the feared and renowned leader of Otogakure, was slithering his entire body along Naruto's shorter frame. "I don't want anybody else! When I think about you... I touch myself!" Orochimaru continued, rubbing his chests in what might have been a sultry manner, had it not been for the cheer creepiness factor that was rolling off him in cascading waves of yick. "I don't want anybody else! Oh no, oh no, oh no!"
Orochimaru leaned in closely, a slow seductive smile on his face as he moved in for the final sealing of the deal. For after all, no one could resist him after he'd kissed them, no one. The music continued to play, but he didn't continue singing, instead he was taking the sweet innocence of a young boy's kiss.
Naruto was thankful that Kawarmi was a jutsu he'd learned to do without seals. Though he don't think that particular log would ever forgive him, its sacrifice would not be in vain. He was running for the honor of that piece of wood, that had willingly and nobly sacrificed its honor and dignity to save Naruto.
Hopping out of the drainage ditch he had fallen into, he looked around for any sign of people, foxes, or anything that would give him a good reason to flee. What he got instead was an open field just outside of a forest. Slowing down slightly from his current panicked pace, Naruto took a moment to catch his breath and enjoy the isolation. Looking up at the sun he frowned when he saw that he only shaved off a half-hour at most. This, for lack of better words sucked.
More to the point, he couldn't help but feel that disaster was incoming. Looking around again, he sighed and knocked the tree truck he'd leaned against just to avoid jinxing himself. Sniffing around he smiled when he noticed the scent of a nearby river on the air. He needed a drink to help him continue, and the river smelled clean enough.
Getting to the river and gulping down several mouthfuls of sweet, clean, pure water he felt like he could go on. However, that's when a thumping beat caused his ears to tick. Looking around, he began to instantly wish he hadn't, for there, not even ten yards away on tree branches was Kiba wearing black leather studded with shiny silver, next to him was Kankuro who had traded in his regular attire for some dull brown leathers and an odd feather'd headdress. Behind them was Gai dressed in full ANBU regalia, while Lee was dressed in the Konoha military police uniform. Off to one side was Shikamaru dressed similarly to the construction workers from Wave during his first C-ranked mission, he was leaning back to back with Asuma, who was twirling a kunai around his fingers, barely missing the wide-brimmed hat he was wearing that matched what appeared to be Anko's trench coat far more than it did the rest of his Jounin attire. Below him were six foxes in matching outfits, he really didn't want to know where they got them from though, so decided to ignore that for right now.
Lee started waving and dancing about on his branch. "Youthful Naruto-kun! We had heard that people were trying to youthfully woo your youthful heart with youthful songs, and so we the youthful and virile men of Konoha have joined together to make our attempt!"
Naruto barely managed to decipher the meaning of Lee's words, before they began singing. "Body... wanna feel my body?" Naruto couldn't tear his eyes away as the horror that was the six of them pelvic thrusting at him. "Body... such a thrill my body."
Naruto decided that somewhere, far, far above him, Kami was laughing maniacally at his torment, while the others kept singing, rubbing oil over the bared chests of some of the members. "Body... wanna touch my body? Body... it's too much my body!"
The sextuplet of men posed, flexing their muscles while Naruto suddenly felt the desire to gouge his eyes out with a rasengan. "Check it out my body, body. Don't you doubt my body, body. Talkin' about my body, body, check it out my body!"
Naruto started backing away as they began to play with their clothing, looking like they were steps away from removing them. "Every man wants to be a macho, macho man!"
At that point Naruto's survival instinct kicked in and he bolted like a bat out of hell. Unfortunately he only managed to run directly into a tree, knocking several leaves loose, a few of which landed on his head. An instant later, there was a poof of smoke and his body was once again replaced by a female one, unfortunately, instead of the Chinese blouse and pants like last time, he remained in the wedding dress that Ibiki had slipped him into.
Looking back, he saw the awestruck and blush covered faces of the singers. He didn't take another second, he just bolted.
As he was running away, he swore he heard a fox snickering before shouting, "AHA! AHA! DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!" and with that, the chase was on. Much to Naruto's dismay. Somewhere in the village a clock gonged out the hour stoically ignoring the raging. hormonal mob in the village below it. In the back of Naruto's mind, the fact that she only have 45 hours, and 23 minutes of hell remaining comforted the pursued kitsune somewhat.
