Author Note: Thanks for your patience, I've had bits of this written for a while, it's just piecing it all together. I'm hoping that means the next chapter will be much quicker.
Rolling onto her side, Jane opened her eyes and stared across the darkened room. She tried to remember the night before, but it was a blur of alcohol and talking. She remembered rolling into bed with Maura, not long after they'd ordered takeout and drunk two bottles of wine between them.
She rolled back onto her other side and stared at the bare skin of Maura's back. She regretted the inevitable hurt she would cause her, and wished she could tell her as much. She didn't want to admit it, but she knew she'd been upset earlier when she left her alone to finish the bathroom. She moved onto her back and stared at the ceiling. The night hadn't ended. It would stretch out across the darkness like the pain she couldn't push through.
A large part of her wanted to wake Maura, to pull her into her arms and find solace under her touch. Yet another part of her was petrified of what she was doing. She'd taken a step too far, far too many times, and she didn't know how to stop it.
"Jane?"
She sighed. She didn't want to disrupt Maura's sleep. She hated how invasive she had become in her best friend's life, how needy she felt when she was beside her. Trying to remember the last time she'd slept alone was like trying to remember what her first word was. There'd been nights without her, but sleep was impossible.
"Yeah?" she asked, turning her head.
"You awake?"
"Yeah."
"I can't sleep," Maura said, twisting around until her eyes stared across at Jane's and she was trapped under their gaze.
"Me neither."
"I think I've seen every hour."
"I've seen every half hour," Jane said, breathing in deeply, then exhaling noisily. She turned back to Maura, twisting her body round until she was inches from her. The heat of her body in the bed made it feel warmer than it probably was. She inched forward, unsure, yet confident. She stared into her eyes, searching for any hint of Maura's own feelings on the matter. "Frankie's moving to a facility."
"Oh. When?"
"Couple weeks. Am I doing the right thing?"
"I don't know."
"I can't do it, Maura," she said, shaking her head. She averted her gaze. "I can't afford to stop working to take care of him. The pay-out he'll get won't stretch far enough for that. It's my only option."
Maura sighed. "I can help."
"It's not your financial burden to carry."
"I don't see why not." She rested her elbow on the pillow and propped up her head. "He's the closest I have to a brother."
"Maybe in a decade when his insurance and pension run dry," Jane said. "But not right now."
"If it would mean you could take some time to think about it, to weigh up your options."
"I weighed up my options." She closed her eyes and refocused on every methodical breath. "I love him. He's my little brother. But I can't care for him, not the way he needs, not for the rest of his life."
"I'm sure the facility will be sufficient."
"Thank you," Jane said, inching even closer. She leaned forward, her nose practically touching Maura's across her pillow. "You've been here, I've been a bitch, I don't even know how to thank you."
"You don't need to. You're family."
"Family." Jane scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"Why did you do that?"
"Why not?"
"Don't be so facetious."
"Sorry."
"Losing the people you love matters, but so do the people who are left behind." Maura lowered her head, her eyes filled with sadness. "The more you act like you're alone, and pretend that none of this is happening, the longer this will go on."
"I'm not pretending it's not happening."
"Yes, you are."
"We're literally talking about it."
"Not that."
"Oh."
Their noses collided. The slightest movement, Jane closed her eyes and succumbed to the softness of Maura's nose rubbing against her own. She breathed in and relished the moment of comfort. Even the slightest touch could do amazing things now. She didn't quite know how. Her whole body came alive.
"You're making me hot," Jane said, her breath becoming more laboured. She felt her chest rise and fall with every deep breath. She leaned closer, brushing her lips against Maura's until she responded, her lips parted, her tongue danced across Jane's mouth.
"The more we do this, the harder it is to stop."
"Keep on doing it," Jane said, nibbling her bottom lip. She twisted her fingers through the tendrils of her hair, and down along the back of her neck, trailing her fingers over bare skin. She lifted her knee and pushed it between Maura's legs, rolling her over onto her back as the pressure pressed down on her. Maura's fingers grasped at her body and she groaned, a small squeal escaping her lips. "Fuck."
"We need to talk about this," Maura said, pulling Jane briefly from the tingling sensation spreading across her whole body. Her eyes rolled back a little in her head.
"Soon. Just let me get through the next couple weeks." She tucked her ankle around the back of Maura's thighs and held her steady as she thrust herself against her skin. "It feels too good, just another, one more."
The faster she moved, the more her body reacted and the harder it was to find conscious thought. She tried to consider what she needed to say, if Maura asked the questions she'd already asked a few times. But she pushed them away as her groin ached, bulging with pressure and excitement.
"Ahh," she moaned, gripping her hand around Maura's wrist as their bodies moved together. She chewed on her bottom lip to stop herself from screaming. When she fell back against the bed, she remembered there was no one around to stop herself from screaming for. She moaned and groaned with every continued action. She returned the favour, her hands moved across Maura's skin, pushing her closer to the edge that Jane was already teetering on. When she felt the overwhelming feeling of orgasm, Jane lay down against Maura's body, staring into her eyes. She could see the lack of fulfilment in her eyes and felt the disappointment she knew would come if she didn't do something soon. Grinning, she trailed her lips down across her skin, nibbling and tugged, her tongue danced over her sensitive skin.
"The more," Maura said, in between gasps and groans. "You do that. The harder it is. To talk."
"I know."
"Don't keep doing this." Jane changed it up. Maura sighed. "That. Do that."
A few moments later, Maura's whimper became a moan followed by the loudest scream she'd ever heard. A sound infiltrated her ears so low that Jane wasn't even sure it came from Maura at all. When she collapsed against her a few moments later, Jane captured her lips again. "No more."
"Okay."
She scurried up the bed back to the pillow and lay down, side by side with Maura, naked, gasping for breath. She closed her eyes, forgetting for the briefest of moments the difficult decision she had to make, and the conflicting emotions spreading between her heart and brain.
When she opened her eyes again, the sun was shining through the gap in the curtain. She rolled onto her side. Maura slept, her mouth parted, her cheeks flush from their night of love making.
"How do I keep doing this without hurting you?" she asked, tucking a strand of hair behind Maura's ear. Some days she thought she could do this forever, and others she wondered why this was the reaction she'd got from losing her mother. Today she would get up, shower, and meet the owners of the institution her brother would live out the rest of his days in. She knew, deep down, that it was the only option she had. Yet she still felt incredibly heartbroken. She'd spent the last few weeks thinking she'd lost one person that night, when in actual fact she'd lost two. She just didn't know it yet. In the blink of an eye half of her family had been wiped out, and she didn't know how to bring the rest back together. Loneliness was a weird thing, so tangible, and yet so fragile, so broken, so difficult to capture. She didn't know what she would do now, how she would live, not when she'd lost the most important people.
She climbed out of bed and headed for the shower.
x
The bed was empty when Maura woke up. Again. She fought so hard not to cry that she chewed a hole in her cheek, leaving her in pain when she sipped her first coffee of the day. She arrived at Boston Police Department early. She worked all day, taking a break only for lunch. By late afternoon, Maura retreated to her office.
"It's late," Kent said, standing in the doorway to Maura's office.
She sat upright. Her head ached but it barely bothered her as much as the pain in her chest. "I've got paperwork."
"There's been three murders, and twenty six other bodies through here in the last week."
"I have reports."
"Maura, you're working yourself to the bone."
"I took the afternoon off yesterday."
"So? You need to pass some cases over to Pike and the others." He moved forward, perching on the chair opposite her desk. "I hate to see you like this. You're clearly in pain."
She gritted her teeth, clenching her fists on the desk. "Do not diagnose me."
"Wasn't trying to," Kent said, leaning forward. "I'm worried."
"I'm fine."
"You're not."
"Do not tell me what you think I am," Maura said, closing her laptop and standing up. She reached for the bag under her desk. "I'm working. Please do not disturb me unless it's important."
"It is important. You are important."
"I have a job to do, and unless you'd like to be replaced, I suggest you leave me to do it."
He sat back, his arms folded across his chest. Maura stuffed her laptop into the bag, ducking under the desk to find the electric cable. "I won't stop trying to help you."
"Then you can clear your things," Maura said, resurfacing and placing the cable into her bag and resting it on her shoulder. "I'm going home."
x
The confession box felt like an old friend. The smell of the wood reminded her of being dragged there by her mother, the stained cushion a gentle reminder not to sit. Jane perched on the wooden seat and closed her eyes, crossing her hand across her chest. She had been several times in the last few days, and yet it felt as lacking a routine as it ever had.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Go ahead," Father Thomas said, his voice soft and warm, just like she remembered.
She cleared her throat. The words were in her brain. She could find them; it would just take some time. "I've hurt someone I love. I haven't seen her in days, and I know that's my own doing. I crossed a line, I offered her hope, and instead left her when she needed me most."
"Let us not pretend here, Jane," he said. "You are not here to confess; you are here to offload how you're feeling. The Lord will not turn you away."
She sighed. "I just wanna know, I guess, do you ever wonder if you made a mistake?"
"With what?"
"Everything."
"That's a lot to regret, Jane," Father Thomas said. "I know you've had trouble adapting to your current situation. What is it that is particularly troubling you?"
"If I wasn't a cop then none of this would have happened." She clenched her hands, grasping at the edges of her pockets, her fingernails digging into her skin. She did not want to cry. Not again. "Ma would still be alive. Frankie wouldn't beā¦trapped in his own body."
"What about the friends you made?"
"Vince hates me. It's my fault his wife died, on their wedding day. I should have protected them. It's on my head."
He cleared his throat. "Did you pull the trigger?"
"No."
"Then it's not your fault."
"If I wasn't a cop," she said, her emotions betrayed her. She took a moment to recapture her composure. "None of this would have happened. It's my fault."
"I wondered when we would reach the crux of your issue," he said, his voice grew louder. Jane glanced up at the window. She could see him moving. "And Maura, would you like to have never met her?"
"Don't." She stood up on the other side. She rested her hand on the wood and stared through the tiny gaps. She couldn't see him, but she could hear his breathing. "I can't think about her right now."
"The Lord works in mysterious ways, Jane."
"Bullshit."
"Excuse me?"
"You say the Lord has plans, He decides what's gonna happen, when we're taken back to Heaven. But why?" Leaning forward, the wood felt cold against her forehead. "Why did he have to take Ma and Kiki? They didn't deserve this. Neither of them deserved to be killed like that. Frankie doesn't deserve to be trapped. Why is it mysterious? Why can't he tell me why the fuck he decided it was okay to leave my brother in a fate worse than death?"
"Jane, please."
She banged her fist on the partition, her voice raised. "I wish Frankie had died with the others. At least then he wouldn't be a shell. I sit in front of him and he's there but he's not. My brother died that day. If God is so wonderful then why did he let this happen? Why didn't he take him too? All Frankie ever wanted was to be a good person, to do the right thing. He died saving everyone, but God didn't take him."
Silence. Jane lowered herself back onto the wooden seat. Tears pricked at her eyes. She couldn't handle the pain; it was too much. When Father Thomas spoke again, Jane held her breath, anything to ward off the threat of tears.
"It's not always easy to see the reasons."
"There are no reasons!" she shouted, a slave to her emotions. Anger gave way to tears.
"There are."
"Then tell me what they are," she shouted, staring up at the ceiling, tears streaming down her cheeks. "God, why won't you tell me why you did this?"
