Author Note: Thanks to those who are still here, I know this is a difficult one, even more so than Heavy in many way. I'm just thankful some of you are enjoying it. It's the hardest story I've had to write, so I appreciate your thoughts and comments.
The body lay on the table, prepared for autopsy, before Maura even walked in the door. Kent appeared with a clipboard, Dictaphone, and the box of latex gloves. She marched past him and into the room where she changed into her scrubs. She tied her hair back and returned to the examination room. Kent hadn't moved.
"I thought I told you to leave," she said, taking a pair of gloves and snapping them over her hands. She picked up a scalpel.
"I won't interfere again," Kent said, walking around to the other side of the body. "I'm here for you, Maura, if you need someone to talk to. That's all I really wanted you to know."
He dropped the box on the counter behind the gurney and placed the clipboard on the tray beside her. He headed for the exit before Maura stopped him.
"Thank you, Kent," she said, forging a smile. She nodded and he nodded back. "You can help, if you'd like."
"You sure?"
"Yes. While you're here, I'd like to run something by you."
"Go ahead."
x
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," Jane said, sitting down in the confessional once again. "Yesterday I was angry and I spoke, I said things that were…you know what, I don't think I was out of line for saying what I said."
"Jane," Father Thomas said, his voice higher. She stood up and stared through the tiny window gaps. "The Lord understands your anger; he understands your pain. It's how you act now that matters. Your actions in the face of great difficulty make a great person, and the Lord is watching, waiting."
Jane dropped onto the wooden seat and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm tired."
"Tired?"
"So tired of living," she said, resting her elbows on her knees and rubbing her eyes. "I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of my life."
"The Lord is watching, Jane," he said. "He has faith that you can come through this period. But you also need to have faith in yourself."
"That's the problem, I don't. I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?"
"Live like this."
"Are you…" he paused. Father Thomas's voice was more fragile than Jane had ever heard it. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"No." Jane shook her head. "I can't go to work every day knowing what I've done, knowing what I let happen. If God thinks I'm destined for great things, it's not that."
"Then what?"
"Dunno."
"How is Frankie?"
"He's…the same." Jane closed her eyes and listened to the sound of Father Thomas' breath. "He's moving to a facility. He's…he needs me and I've given up on him."
"I very much doubt that."
"Feels like it."
"Have you spoken to the woman you said cares about him?"
"Nina?" She sighed. "I dunno how to."
x
A clang reverberated around the room which sent Maura into a heightened sense of insecurity. She dropped her medical bag by the front door and picked up a golfing umbrella, her only source of defence. She tiptoed into the lounge and through to the kitchen area.
"Fucking shit balls." Jane appeared from under the sink, a wrench in one hand, her other wrapped around a cut on her elbow, droplets of blood spread across her skin. She dropped the wrench on a dirty rag on the tiled flooring. "Where'd you move your first aid kit?"
There were no words sufficient, so Maura returned the umbrella to the pot by the door and picked up her bag. She placed it on the kitchen counter and searched for an alcohol wipe and a band aid.
"Thanks," Jane said, pulling the wipe out of the packet and wiping it across the bloody skin of her arm. She hopped up onto a stool to apply the band aid. "You got here at a good time."
"Did I?" Maura stared at her, hopeful that Jane would provide her with an answer without her needing to ask questions. But no answer came. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like?"
She glanced at the kitchen sink, the pipes beneath it scattered across the floor. The faucet was on its side on the counter top. "It looks like you're invading my kitchen to do DIY."
"Thought I'd replace your sink."
Maura sighed. "Pray tell, why do you think my sink needs replacing?"
"You said the faucet was annoying you."
"Three months ago. I had someone come. He tightened a component and it's been fine since." Maura dropped her medical bag on the floor beside her desk and opened a bottle of wine. She poured herself a glass and sipped it continually until she could control her mounting anger. "My sink does not need replacing, Jane."
"It's no trouble," Jane said, returning to the sink. She crouched down and reached underneath.
"Jane, stop," Maura whispered. She pressed her fingertips to her temples and rubbed in the hope it would ward off the impending headache. "I don't need a new sink. Stop."
"Just a sink, Maur." Jane picked up the wrench and disappeared underneath once more. She grunted loudly, and came away with another piece of the pipework. "I've nearly uninstalled it."
Standing a little taller, Maura downed her glass of wine. She stared at Jane. "Where's the new sink? How long will it take to install?"
"Shit." Jane pushed herself up and jumped to her feet. She walked over to her jacket on the back of the couch and pulled out her car keys. "I knew I was forgetting something."
"You don't even have a replacement?"
"Technically speaking, no."
Maura closed her eyes and counted to ten. The attempt at settling her frustrations failed miserably and she poured herself some more wine. "Jane. You need to leave."
"Don't be like that. I need this. I've been the worst friend. I just want to make it up to you. I quit my job, I need to do more than Frankie's kitchen to build up a portfolio and you needed your sink fixing."
"A portfolio for what?" Maura asked, then backtracked slightly. "Wait, you quit being a detective? When?"
"This morning. Give me thirty minutes and I'll get you a new sink."
"I don't want a new sink," Maura said, the volume of her voice grew louder until she was almost screaming. "Stop trying to fix everything. It's not broken. You can't fix your broken life by taking out my sink. You can't fix us. You need to get out of my house before I throw you out."
Startled, Jane stared at her, her eyebrows curved downward. Moisture glistened beneath her eyes and Maura felt her resolve crumble. She needed some time alone, yet every time Jane got upset, she couldn't help but forgive her.
"Fine." Jane picked up the wrench, pipes and rag and threw them into the space under the sink. She stood up and marched towards the door. "Fix your own damn sink."
"Jane, wait," Maura said, her voice returned to a normal volume. She could feel her heart racing, the desire to fix the fracture between them only increased. Stepping forward, Maura reached out to Jane's arm. "Please. Don't go. Talk to me."
"I don't know how to talk anymore," Jane whispered, pawing at her cheeks. "I need to fix this but I don't know what to do."
"We don't have to talk," Maura said, staring into Jane's tearstained eyes. She hated herself for doing it, but she was so frustrated. She needed a release. She trailed her fingers down Jane's arm, gripping her hand. She stepped in close, trailed her lips across Jane's mouth. She glanced towards the stairs and back at Jane. "Stay for a while longer. Please."
x
Maura rolled onto her back, her heart raced and her body tingled with the aftermath of orgasm. She interlinked her fingers with Jane's and lay there, picturing the world she wished she lived in. An alternate reality where she and Jane were together and Angela, Kiki and Frankie were okay. She hated herself for giving in to temptation, to forgiving Jane time and time again.
"I haven't told Nina about Frankie," Jane said, lying on her side. "She should know, shouldn't she?"
"Nina and Frankie were not in a relationship, but..." Maura reached her fingers out and cupped Jane's cheek.
"I know, but she loves him."
"She does. Why did you quit your job?"
"I…dunno."
"I'm going to see Korsak tomorrow," Maura said, lowering her hand. "You should come. He'd like to see you."
Jane closed her eyes. "Don't lie."
"If you and him would just be in the same room together, if you'd just talk."
"He hates me." Jane burrowed her face into the nape of Maura's neck. "I'm busy tomorrow."
"Doing what?"
"Fixing your sink for a start," Jane said, nuzzling her nose against Maura's skin. "I need to go and see Frankie, and Father Thomas. I need to tell Nina that Frankie's moving."
"Okay." Maura tucked a hand around Jane's back and held her close. A lump formed in the back of her throat. Every step forward felt like a mountain climbed. But she knew the next set back would be just as big.
x
The chasm between them felt greater than a metre. The machines in Frankie's hospital room had been replaced by an IV and he was moved out of the ICU. It made sense, given the situation, but Jane felt disappointed in the changes. Nina clung to Frankie's hand on the other side, his most regular visitor, according to the woman who came to change Frankie's diaper.
"He won't be here for much longer," Jane said, staring at Frankie's eyes, which stared ahead of him like neither she, nor Nina, were in the room.
Nina gave his hand a squeeze and he turned his head. A crease formed between his brows. She glanced at Jane, her eyes glistened under the dull hospital lighting.
"When? To where?"
"There's a facility out in Lawrence."
"Thirty miles away?" Nina stood up, tears trailed down her cheeks. "You're sending him out of Boston?"
"It's a good facility," Jane said, standing on his other side. "They have an excellent care package."
"So?"
"So, Frankie needs the best care!"
"Frankie needs his family and friends."
"He's not exactly got many of us left," Jane said, shrugging her shoulders.
Nina's voice grew louder. "Why didn't you ask me?"
"I don't need to. You're not his fucking family."
"You're saying my feelings don't matter?" She stared at Jane, her eyes wide. "Who's the person who has been by his side since he got hurt? Who shaves him twice week? Who feeds him ice chips when he groans because the aircon isn't turned on?"
"I've been here," Jane said, gritting her teeth. "I've been doing the best I fucking can. Don't pretend that you love him more. If you loved him so much, why didn't you ever tell him?"
"Stop cursing at me, Jane." She moved around the bed. Jane followed suit, until she was square up in front of Nina. "Stop treating me like I don't matter in any of this. I'm going to be the person who will visit him every week. Where will you be Jane? Hey? Shacking up with Maura in Frankie's apartment? Or drinking yourself into an early grave?"
"It's none of your fucking business what I do with my life."
"It is when you act like I don't matter."
"I," Jane began, but they were both cut off. Frankie tossed his arm against the side of the bed and let out of a loud piercing squeal that evolved into a groan, until tears coursed down his cheeks. She returned to his side and ran a hand across his cheek. "It's okay, Frankie, I'm here. It's Jane. I'm here."
He tossed his arms out again and pushed her away. The brunt force of his arm smashing into her chest sent her stumbling backwards until she fell to the ground. She sat on the floor, staring at him, confused.
"You're scaring him," Nina said, rushing to his side and whispering in his ear. She pressed her thumb against his palm, circling it repeatedly until he quietened down. She glared at Jane, shaking her head. "This is what you've missed out on when you've been elsewhere. This is what you don't see. It's not the first time and they say it won't be the last. But you being here and shouting, it makes him worse. You can send him to Lawrence, but you can't put him in an institution and forget that he exists."
Closing her eyes, Jane's heart raced in her chest. Every word spoken was a truth she wasn't willing to hear. She'd barely been to see Frankie of late, and it had played on her mind repeatedly. She lowered her head and climbed to her feet.
She swiped her hand across her cheek. Nina ignored her. Jane stood in the doorway for a moment, watching the way Nina treated her brother, with the most care and respect than even many of the nurses.
"I'm sorry." She turned tail and headed for the exit.
x
"Professor McAllister is ready for you," Kent said, sticking his head around the examination room door.
Maura hesitated. The scalpel in her hand was in the middle of cutting out a small intestine. She lifted it up and shrugged her shoulders.
Kent walked across the room. "I'll finish up."
"It's okay," Maura said. "I'll finish. Ask Professor McAllister to wait."
Kent stared at her, the crease between his eyebrows deepened. "You can't put this off, no matter how scary it may be. I'll ensure the body is protected ahead of the rest of the autopsy."
She hesitated, and returned the scalpel to the tray. Kent pulled on a pair of gloves. Maura disposed of her own and exited the room. It was now or never.
x
The knock on the office door startled Maura. She lifted her gaze from the computer screen; her research had distracted her for quite some time, so much so that she hadn't noticed it reach five in the evening.
"Can I help you?" she asked. Kent stalked across the room, his eyes trained on her, expectantly. She raised an eyebrow, yet he still didn't speak. She sighed. "I got it."
"Yes!" Kent's balled up fist flew through the air. He leaned across her desk, his flat palm high in the air. She merely stared at it. "High five? No?"
She tilted her head to one side and smacked her palm against his outstretched hand. A smirk formed, which quickly faded.
"Don't look like that," he said. "You deserve this Maura."
"It's not that." She switched off her computer and stood up. "Jane took Frankie to the facility in Lawrence today; I'm not looking forward to telling her my news."
