Note: I'm sorry it yet again took some time to get this out (especially how I left them previously ^^') but it's just been a lot lately... And... this chapter is really personal to me so I haven't been wanting to rush it... Anyway, here it is.
Fuck...!
Dean looked around. Everywhere he turned, he could only see those damn gargoyles closing in on them. It was like, every three they killed, five more appeared. They weren't that strong and could be killed off easily, but were swarming just as easily.
He didn't have time for this. He tightened the grip on his sword and lunged himself at a group of ten gargoyles, taking care of them with max two strikes per monster. Looking at his deed he realized he was bleeding from his arm. He didn't even know when someone had succeeded in hitting him. It didn't hurt or anything though. The excitement of battle was too high for that.
Another group of gargoyles were felled by his sword before he had time to look around. Roman was in a similar situation; taking care of one wave of enemies before taking on another. The kid held up against some monsters too, slicing them with his Wind. Even the raupnir was fighting the little pests. Seemed like not all monsters were allies. He didn't blame it though, those gargoyles were just as annoying as fruit flies.
He took care of another group of gargoyles. And another. And another. Where the hell did they all come from!? Several groups more and Dean actually started to feel it. He panted and he felt heavy. But he still needed to take care of those bastards. Another group down.
Then he heard a scream. Not a shriek from one of the monsters. He turned and saw the kid battling those reached-out vines of the raupnir. But his hands were caught. Another vine tangled his body. A last one snaked behind him, in under his jacket. The feeler started glowing. An ominous red. He had his Re-Set Rune there. It was messing with his Magic? He kept staring. Not just messing... it was draining him!
It all went so fast but Dean just froze. He saw the kid trying to squirm to try to get himself free but the other vines held him completely fast.
"Dean... Dean!"
Something broke in him. Seth's cry for him, especially the second one, was heartbreakingly desperate. It snapped him out of it and he forgot everything and just rushed towards the monster, cutting down everything in his path. He kept his eyes on the kid. He felt it like a punch in the gut to see that that glow really drained him of energy; he was hanging limp like some broken puppet.
He slashed at the raupnir's leg and then at the vines. They resisted but he finally managed to slash straight through them. The kid fell lifelessly to the ground and Dean caught him tumbling.
He took them out of the immediate danger before he held him, knelt to the ground. "Hey...!" he called out to him. Dean's heart was beating like crazy. He shook him but no response. Without thinking, he leaned down and put his ear against his chest. He heard his heart and he was breathing; he was just unconscious.
"Take him outta here!" Roman shouted at him.
That order wasn't necessary. He got up to his feet, lifting the kid's limp body and held him close in his arms. Roman cleared a path for him and Dean ran into the woods with the kid. How could he be so stupid!? How could he get himself caught by that monster!? That raupnir had drained him, his Magic. This was serious. The kid was in an Exhausted state, drained of Magic. He didn't even know anything like this was possible, that monsters could drain people of their Magic. Would Roman be okay? But the kid was totally defenceless. And who knew for how long he was gonna be Exhausted. It wasn't like a normal fatigue, he knew that much. He glanced at him, looking at his face. He looked plagued, pale... not like when he had seen his mo- He forced himself from that image. This was bad...! Roman should have taken him. Maybe he could have made some kind of protective shield. Dean couldn't do anything for him. And he left Roman with that fight by himself. Fuck...
Trying to get his focus back, he remembered there was a hollow tree nearby. He rushed forward and very much so, there it was. It was at least something, so he carefully placed the kid in there, it was hard since he didn't get any help, obviously, but he managed to put him in there in some, yet awkward, sitting position. He grabbed some leafy branches and covered him up. That's all he could do for him right now. Roman was in danger. Well, Roman was a big boy and could handle himself, but it was a freaking raupnir.
His blood started to boil at the thought. He looked over the makeshift shelter for the kid, making sure he couldn't be noticed easily before he ran as fast as he could back to the battlefield. Seeing the raupnir pushed him off the edge. What the bastard had done to Seth. Without any thought of self-preservation he ran headfirst into battle and struck it repeatedly, just caring to do as much damage as possible. That fucking piece of shit...!
The raupnir swung its arms towards him, sending him flying backwards. He hit the ground hard but just bounced right back with a wild roar. In his rage he cut its whole fucking leg off, the one with the Rune. The monster fell to the ground wailing. Dean didn't take any chances. He forced the sword into the chest again and again.
He barely noticed Roman thrusting his spear into its head, killing it off. Dean just kept raging, slashing at whatever body part of the fucker he could reach.
"Dean... Dean, hey calm down man", Roman said, placing his hand on his arm.
Dean panted and stopped his swing midair. The raupnir was just a bloody mess underneath him. He lowered his weapon and fell to his knees, landing in mud made of blood, guts and dirt.
The gargoyle attack was over, Roman just left to give the finishing blow to those on the ground that still had some life in them. Dean just sat there, letting the furious rush melt off him. He'd just lost it but now he just felt... empty.
His brother joined his side again. "It's over now."
Dean froze some as he had been spoken to, like he snapped out of his paralyzed state. "... Seth..." He stumbled to his feet and limped towards the woods.
"Dean, you're hurt."
Dean didn't care. He just needed the kid to be safe. His right leg didn't quite cooperate with him. But he just needed to get back to that hollow tree. Not soon enough, he got back. The branches were untouched. He removed them and a huge rock fell from his shoulders seeing that the kid was unharmed. The sensation made him fall to his knees. He felt relieved but seeing his pale drained state made him feel numb.
Roman made his way to him, reaching for the kid. Dean wanted to protest but he just watched him carefully picking the kid up and placing him more comfortably on the ground next to the tree.
"He's Exhausted", he said after a quick check.
Dean already knew that. He felt so bad for him...
"We need to take him home", his brother continued. "How's your leg?"
Dean didn't care about his leg. The kid was way worse off. He leaned forward to pick him up.
"I'll take him, don't worry", Roman said.
Dean had another inner protest. He wanted him to be safe. But no words came out. Instead, he just made another attempt to pick him up.
"You're hurt, Dean. I'll keep him safe, okay?"
He knew Roman was a safe man for him. But he wanted him to be safe...
"Have you checked your leg?"
He hadn't. Roman got him into some sitting position that didn't involve his knee. The fabric of his pants were torn and dirtied with all kinds of filth. Roman ripped the fabric some more to check the damage. Dean kept his gaze on the kid. He just couldn't take his eyes off him. He was so fragile... so exposed...
Roman cleaned and patched him up the best he could with their emergency supplies they had available in the kid's bag. Seemed like he had a huge open wound on his knee. Maybe that's why it didn't want to cooperate.
"There. Let's get back now."
Dean made another attempt to be the one to pick the kid up but Roman snatched him before Dean could. Still that wordless protest. He wanted to take him...
Roman carried him carefully in his arms. The kid looked so frail and small...
"I'll take him, you go make the report", Dean spoke up as they finally reached Authority.
"You sure?"
Dean didn't reply. They just exchanged looks and he reached out his arms and urged Roman to give the kid to him. Roman let him and they carefully switched. Dean was surprised how light the kid was. He didn't notice it before. They parted ways and he limped back to their room, holding the kid close and safe, but really carefully as if he was afraid he might break him. He pushed the door open and finally got back to their shared living space. He made it for the bed and set him down, letting him lie down on his back. For a moment he just stood there watching before he sat down by the edge of the bed. It looked like he was just asleep, even though it didn't look like it was a peaceful one.
"How could you be so stupid...?" he asked. He didn't even know who he asked. Maybe himself... he couldn't protect him. Why was he so upset over it? It was just the stupid kid... He didn't want him to be in this state... He didn't understand himself at all... But he couldn't help these raw feelings he had right now.
His voice back then... Dean still heard it... How he so desperately called for him. Why'd he called for Dean? And not Roman? … So desperate and heartbreaking... It had been just like second nature to just instinctively run to his aid... He hated that scene... seeing Seth trapped and drained, helpless and defenceless. To learn there are monsters like that out there, able to drain people dry of the Magic, causing Exhaustion. That's freaky. He couldn't understand since he'd never been Exhausted, obviously, but he knew people were in grave danger being unconscious and totally out of order. And it hadn't just taken some of his Magic. But all.
And to think some people drained themselves for the sake of running with the rush of being Unstable... He hated that image... but seeing the kid. He... he really wasn't like them... He kinda hated to admit it a little... but he just wasn't like everybody else... Seth... he... his Magic... that's... He couldn't even voice his thinking in his own head. It was like he had all these filters inside, on his thoughts. But his feelings were there, even if he didn't manage to put them into words.
Did he want to be feeling like this? He didn't even know. Did he want to be feeling like he wanted to protect him? He was a freaking mage... He still didn't want him unwell... Being Exhausted was being unwell... He just couldn't leave him... It was physically impossible. Even though he had been forced to before... He had hated it... And his rage... He didn't even remember much of it. He remembered the state he had woken up in, seeing the state of the raupnir. That bloody mess... it had been like... he'd went berserk or something. That raupnir had hurt someone... someone he... couldn't say he cared about him. That was pushing it. The raupnir caused Exhaustion to his... his... to him. That just wasn't cool, okay? And then Roman. Roman was okay though, hadn't been injured or harmed being alone. But just the fact he had left him alone... He hated that too... as much as he hated having to leave Seth...
But the kid was okay. No, he wasn't okay but his state had been unchanged even if he had been forced to leave him. That was what was important. He'd been safe. He'd kept him safe.
His eyes went to Seth's wrist. He reached out and turned his hand. He saw the Rune. It was dark. He felt a pang of emotion. There wasn't any glow... they probably just glowed when in use anyway, but they seemed darker still. Then he realized his hand was cold. Without thinking, he reached down to the kid's "bed" and snatched the blanket to cover him with.
He still didn't like that plagued expression stuck on his pretty boy face. Absentmindedly, he pushed a stray dark lock of hair from his cheek. He sighed and got up, sitting down on one of the chairs instead, leaning forward placing his elbows on his knees, and rested his head in his palms. Groaning a little, he moved his hands up, carding his fingers through his hair and let them rest at the back of his neck. Another sigh.
He heard the door open and Roman returned. It was like he was tiptoeing or something, with his light footfalls. Dean looked up and faced him. Roman had a weird expression looking at the kid. Couldn't make out what it was though. He saw worry and something else. Surprise?
Roman walked up to he bed and went for the blanket.
"I covered him because he was cold", Dean quickly said, not wanting him to disturb him, even though he kinda doubted he would be, since he wasn't sleeping.
"I just figured he might be more comfortable without his clothes." Dean stiffened at that, feeling very awkward all of a sudden. "His outer clothes", Roman continued, having a sly smile. How dare he?
"I knew that, screw you", he spat out. Roman could be such a dick sometimes. Dude...!
Roman folded the blanket to the side and removed the kid's armour and shoes. Then he gently removed the jacket, having the kid sit up to take it off. He looked so used to taking care of people like that. Dean was just awkward...
"I'll let him be like this for now", Roman said, putting the blanket over him again, making sure he'd have it comfortable.
Dean just gave a nod of acknowledgement.
Some time passed with them just sharing the room. Dean's head was running too fast for his liking but it wasn't much he could do about it.
"I made that report, giving them my raupnir data. They seemed pleased. The also gave me a gargoyle score of 89."
Dean thought it was swarming but 89 all by himself? Who knew how many he had. But he didn't wonder enough to go and ask.
"Got our reward too."
"'kay."
Roman waited for some more reply before continuing. "I'd say they were pretty cheap though, considering the high level monster. I know the small pests ain't counting but still."
Dean didn't care. He'd just done his job, taking care of a growing threat they themselves let out. Didn't make up for a fallen.. a fallen... kid.
"For how long is he gonna be Exhausted?" he asked instead after some silence.
"It depends. It differs from person to person, it's like Recovery. Some go through it fast, some need more time. I have no idea what it's like for Seth, he has never talked about Exhaustion." Roman went silent for a minute, as if he was thinking something over. "He was drained, this is not a normal usage related Exhaustion. Maybe we should have someone see him? Like, someone from the academy?"
"No...! I don't want any mages here!" Dean protested, moving over and sitting by the bed again.
"But what if he's in danger? I haven't heard of a monster drain before." Dean just gave him a defiant look. "Look, I can ask my cousins, they're at the academy and they know their Magic. They're Rune Masters."
Roman's cousins...? They were mages but Roman was cool. And... this was something other than normal. He knew some could have like two days of Exhaustion recovery... he could recover by himself by then, but if it was something out of the ordinary...
"I'll go talk to them, ask them for advice, okay?" Roman said. "You'll keep an eye on Seth?"
He had already left him once... He wasn't leaving him now. It wasn't like him but he didn't care. He just wouldn't leave someone in his state.
Roman returned later. Dean was still sitting on the bed by the kid's side. "Hey, Dean", he said from the door. "I talked to Jimmy and he sounded concerned and wanted to check on him. Is it okay for him to enter?"
Dean still hadn't decided on that. But at least it was Roman's family and not some random mage. And what if the kid was worse off...? He nodded his approval.
Roman thanked him with a smile and entered with another man that kinda had the same kind of features as Roman but at the same time not. Totally classified as a cousin then. Dean just knew Roman had a big family and he talked about them. But he had never met any of them in person before. He knew Jimmy was a twin though.
"Yo, I'm Jimmy", the cousin said, giving him a wave. Probably knew about Dean's view on mages, not trying some more formal greeting. Smart dude.
"Dean", he just said.
"Roman told me about the raupnir", he said as he approached the bed. "Hey, your Seth is the same kid I approved? He's a great Rune Bearer, that Magic control is like awesome." When he saw a certain swordsman at the bed not being too interested he dropped that for now. "Anyway, I have heard of Magic draining but I haven't seen any case myself. Shouldn't be too dangerous but it doesn't hurt to check his Runes. Especially when something like a monster drained him. Those just don't have the same kinda control as humans with Runes. Y'know his Re-Set Rune?" He continued when the silent question hung in the air: "Those Runes are key Runes and easier access and if there's something out of the ordinary, his Re-Set Rune would be affected too. Maybe even more affected."
"It's on his back", Roman said and moved towards the bed.
"I got'im", Dean said. He was already there, alright? No need to crowd him further. He scooted closer and folded the blanket towards him. For a moment, he hesitated before he gently lifted him and leaned him towards himself, letting his unconscious body rest against him. He still held him steady like so, holding one hand under his arm and shoulder and the other on the back of his head. For support.
Jimmy placed himself behind the kid. "Which one was it?"
"The one most in the middle between his shoulder blades", Dean mumbled, absentmindedly stroking Seth's hood and hair to the side, even though Jimmy had access to the Rune anyway already.
"The impossible self Re-Set", Jimmy said. It wasn't clear if it was meant like a joke to lighten stuff up or what it was. He put his hand on the Rune, closing his eyes. He was probably doing some Rune reading. Dean kept holding the kid, watching Jimmy's hand on the Rune as if he wanted to detect some visual changes.
Jimmy opened his eyes, still holding his hand on the kid's back though. "I can't sense any change to his Runes. They're completely empty though. Sometimes an Exhaustion can happen when there's just too little juice for the Rune Bearer to make a decent spell. But Seth's Runes are totally depleted. It's not dangerous, just extreme. He's probably gonna need a kick-start Re-Set the next time though. And he might have a draining Recovery." Dean's mind went back to their first Re-Set when Seth collapsed. "He'll be okay though. His Runes are feeling normal. It was good you came to get me though. It's good for us to know more about these cases too." Dean didn't like that, it sounded like Seth was some kind of guinea pig for the academy. But he was relieved he was okay. Why was he glad about that? If the raupnir had messed up his Runes, he would have been a normal kid. But... he would have been devastated. Like before, with the threat of being sealed... Maybe Seth just wasn't meant to be a normal kid...
"Anyway, nothing seems off", Jimmy concluded and removed his hand.
"Thank you, man", Roman said, and fist bumped his cousin's shoulder.
"No prob, bro", Jimmy smiled. "That raupnir story spooked me but I'm glad to be able to give a positive notice about it. You know about his Exhaustion history? Like his normal rate of recovery?"
"I have no idea", Roman said. "He's still kinda new to us and he hasn't mentioned it before."
"Give it a day or two. And don't hesitate to ask us about anything, if anything seems off, a'ight?" He looked over at Dean and smiled. "He'll be fine."
Roman smiled too. "Thanks again."
"Anytime."
And with that, he left. Dean was suddenly made aware that he still held Seth close to his chest. Not startled or anything, more like realizing and he carefully leaned him back down against the pillows, folding the blanket back over him. His hand remained on Seth's general torso area for a minute before he removed all contact completely.
"He'll be fine", Roman said, repeating Jimmy's words.
It made Dean jump a little. "He better, what use is he to us without his freaking Magic", he said, putting up his defensive side again.
"It's not about that", Roman smiled, it was warm and... knowing? What was that about? "You're worried about Seth."
"I-I'm not worried. I'm just... I'm just keeping him sa... safe, okay?" Dean suddenly felt all flustered, as if he was busted with something.
"And that's not worry about his safety?"
"That's... that's not the same thing. Don't give me that look. If he's here, he better be able to pull his own weight...!"
Roman just kept smiling. Damn his smiles. "You've barely left his side since the attack, Dean. You barely let me be the one to carry him back home. It's not anything you have to be afraid or ashamed of. You care about him, bro."
"I-I'm not...! Sh-shut up, Reigns!" He wasn't mad at him, he just didn't like him talking like that.
"Come on, I'm just happy you've taken him in-"
"I haven't...!"
" - it makes this Shield business much easier."
"You're just seeing things, Roman...!"
"I don't mind what I see." Another smile. "You've changed."
Dean didn't like that. That word wasn't good. Change. He didn't like change. He didn't change... He knew he kinda felt differently about him than before... but he hadn't changed. He still didn't like Rune Bearers. He may... not dislike Seth anymore? When Roman brought it up, it all became so big all of a sudden. He'd been cool with his impulse raw emotions he'd been going on with up until now. Keeping him safe. Because he couldn't defend himself or anything.
He glanced towards the kid again. Why did Roman have to go and destroy his feeling like that? He had been fine with it.
He wanted to get out, he felt crowded by Roman, like he was pushing him against some wall wanting him to admit something, like forcing some "right" stuff out of him. He hated it. He had been doing so well.
Dammit... Dammit... why'd he go and make something big outta something that wasn't freaking big?
"I think it's really good of you, keeping him safe", Roman pressed.
Shut up, Roman. Just shut up...!
"You're really good with him. Just surprised it happened-"
"Nothing happened, alright!?" Dean spat. "I didn't do it because I like him! It's not some fucking big deal. Maybe I just don't want him unwell, because he's not able to take care of himself at the moment!? Why do you have to ruin this by making it so fucking big!?" Dean felt accused, misunderstood.
Roman just looked stupidly at him. Why was it so hard to understand?
"Why are you being like this about it? What you did was something good."
"You're the one making a big thing outta it! I was fine with stuff as it was but now...! I don't even know...!"
"Talk to me Dean... I don't get it", Roman said.
Dean just wanted to flee... this was getting too hard. He didn't know what he thought about anything right now. But he still didn't want to leave Seth. That was his only stable point right now, and that point didn't even make sense.
"I... I don't know..." he said, sounding defeated.
"What happened, Dean? All I said was that I like your change."
Trigger word. "That's the point...!" he said, temper rising again. "You have to keep using that word. I hate it and you should know it...!"
"What word?"
"... Ch... change...!" he hated it even more having to force it off his tongue.
"It's just a word... it's not dangerous."
"I hate it...!"
"Why?"
He fucking knew why. Why did he keep pressing him about it? They had talked about it so many times before. Was he stupid, not remembering?
"I know what I have but I don't know what I'll get. Constant is stability. It's safe", he forced out.
"Everything changes. That's the only constant."
He hated that logic. That made him frustrated, because he knew that. Another "right" forced out of him.
"You let me in... is it so hard to accept you're letting Seth in too?"
"I'm... not... letting... him... in", Dean stubbornly said, making a point in every syllable.
"Then what are you doing? You're protecting him, caring for him, making sure he's safe and okay."
He was right. He fucking hated it.
"I'm not doing that...!" He wanted to run so bad. This hurt so much. This conflict inside him. It constrained him. The door looked real friendly.
"You're not running away from this, Ambrose", Roman warned him. He was threatening him?
"I can't take this...!" Out... he needed out...
"You're not going anywhere until I understand what the fuck's wrong with you. You're being fine, like human to Seth today and now when I give you cred for it you totally snap. You blame it on change. But there's something else. This change issue is just a symptom."
Dean couldn't think clearly. It all muddled up into a mess of fucking shit. Roman yelled at him, calling him stuff, saying he got issues. Stuff was wrong with him. He already knew that, he didn't need him to point that out. He couldn't take it anymore. He needed out. But Roman didn't let him. He was trapped. Everything was just so much. Too much. Stuff was wrong with him. He was doing stuff wrong. Like everything. He couldn't do anything right. He was forced to do right. But he was wrong. He couldn't do stuff right. He got pissed at himself. It was his fault stuff was like this. He was bad for Seth. He was bad for Roman. He should just get away from them. He was bad for them.
Something physically snapped. He couldn't breathe, he felt the air in his lungs but the couldn't breathe. He started shaking. His hand. He couldn't stop it. He was shaking and ants were crawling under his skin. He couldn't stop shaking. He couldn't breathe. He was aware of Roman. He was scared. He grabbed his hand, but Dean just shook anyway. He just couldn't stop. Roman wanted him to breathe with him. But he couldn't breathe.
"I'm just... just... just... I'm just... bad... I'm bad... stuff... stuff wrong... everything... stuff's just... just... it's wrong."
His mind raced. Everything was wrong. He was wrong. He had ruined everything. He was bad. Never right. Always wrong. Couldn't breathe... couldn't stop shaking. Roman said something. He held his shaking hands.
Focus? Focus how? He didn't even know what was going on. He needed to focus on everything else but himself? But he was doing that. He didn't know what's wrong, he had to figure that out. That was how he was thinking. That was bad thinking. But that was how he was thinking. That thinking needed to be addressed. Not ignored. It was there. It needed to be felt. He was supposed to feel it.
Breathe with Roman? How? He could hear him. Inhale... Exhale... He was shaking. Couldn't hold his breath. What breath? Shaky breathing. Calm down... How could he be calm? He didn't know what's going on?
Focus. There was a bracer on the table. Seth's bracer. It couldn't protect him. He couldn't protect him.
"I couldn't... he... I... it was..." He said more, but he couldn't form sentences. He talked fast. Couldn't get the words out because of his incapability to breathe.
Apple. There was an apple in front of him. Roman was holding it. They were breathing together. He couldn't stop shaking. What was wrong with him, he couldn't stop shaking. How could he even have lost control like that? The ants kept crawling under his skin, out of his fingers, under the back of his hand. The apple was red and he was inhaling... but shaking the breath out. He took a breath? He sighed his breaths. That wasn't good. Roman said he shouldn't sigh. But he did, he did it wrong. Because he always did. Inhale... shaky exhale. Wait for it... inhale... that wait for it was hard. He needed air. Breathe with Roman.
The ants died away. But the shaking just wouldn't stop. Breathing with Roman. He still held his hands. His hands wouldn't stop shaking.
His breathing was weird. But he got air in his lungs. He could breathe. But why couldn't he stop shaking?
What happened...?
"Hey, Dean... You okay?" dark worried eyes met Dean's.
"What happened...?"
"You started hyperventilating."
He knew that. He was aware of that. He tried to will his hands to stop shaking. His left hand obeyed but not his right one.
"What happened?" he asked again. "I... got pissed at myself and couldn't breathe... and I'm shaking." Now he realized he was crying too, his nose was covered in runny tearfilled snot. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand. Fuck... to have had Roman witness that...
"I'm here, okay", Roman said, still holding on to Dean's shaking hand. Why wouldn't it stop? "How are you feeling?"
"... not okay..." he said, sounding like a wimp. But he wasn't okay. "Drained..."
"After that thing just now, I'm not surprised."
Dean felt his crying intensify. He didn't care to know why. If just the shaking would stop...
"Let it out... okay..." Roman said quietly. "We're here. I'm not going anywhere. Seth's not going anywhere."
Seth's still unconscious... he's not going anywhere...
"Roman... can I... can I be alone for a moment?"
"You sure? What about your hyperventilation?"
"I'm drained... I just wanna be alone for a minute..."
Roman looked worried, and it was his fault...
"I'll go get something to eat, okay?" he finally, reluctantly, said.
Dean nodded. He wasn't hungry. But he was tired. He didn't want to think... it had been too much... and he put Roman through it.
Roman patted his shaking hand and went to the door. "I don't want to leave you like this."
"Just for a moment", Dean said in a monotone voice. He couldn't quite recognize it himself.
"I'll be back in a few", Roman was very worried. Dean felt bad for him. But he didn't want Roman there. Not right then. Not while feeling bad having him feel like so.
How he couldn't control his breathing, hands or crying... he stumbled over to the bed, sitting down by the foot side of it. He was tired... so tired... He crawled up and lay down on his side, folding his knees into some fetus position. He held his shaky hand with his other hand. He was so tired...
He didn't even realize he had fallen asleep until he woke up. He was on the bed still, curled up on himself and his head on... the kid's shins. That's right, the kid was Exhausted on his bed. He didn't have the energy to do anything about it. The kid would just have to deal with being his pillow for now. He was so tired... Emotionally drained. That episode before just crept him out. He didn't even know what had happened, just feeling hostage in his own body, unable to control his mind or thoughts.
"Are you awake now?" he heard Roman's voice.
Dean just made a groan at that. Something that meant "just barely" or the like.
"How are you feeling?"
"Drained..." Dean's voice was raspy, as if he hadn't slept in days.
"You scared me, man."
Well, he scared himself, thank you very much. He had never experienced anything like that. It was like everything inside him went haywire. The conflicts inside him went into a full scale war with each other and neither side was prepared to back down. Triggered by... change... Roman triggered it... No... he just said it... Dean triggered it, but Roman still made it happen. He wasn't blaming him just... he didn't know.
"I'm sorry..." he continued. "I didn't mean to..." he trailed off.
Dean got himself into a sitting position.
"It's just..." Roman went on. "I was so happy seeing you getting along with Seth..."
Dean looked at the kid, or rather, in his direction. He was so confused still, about everything. "I'm... I'm not friends with him." He made that statement anyway.
"I know. But you've..." he paused, thinking. "Made progress."
Maybe he had... he didn't hate him. "Roman..." He wasn't sure what he wanted to say. But he still had this need to get stuff out of him, a need to get something said. "It's like... I... I had these conflicts inside me... I didn't recognize myself. I don't know... it's like... I just felt like... I just felt like I wanted to... to keep him safe... call it instinct or whatever... and I just let them... And then when you brought it up like you did... I hadn't thought about it, or at least pushed it aside... I don't know..." He glanced at the kid as he tried to voice his thoughts. "I just wanted to protect him... He was in danger... and now he's defenceless... I... I just... I just couldn't leave him... I shouldn't feel like so. He's a stupid Rune Bearer."
"That's why you're so on the defence", Roman said, maybe a little more to himself than to Dean. "You're so attached to your values and then when your emotions take on that battle with your thoughts..."
"Major conflict..." Dean sighed.
"Did you... did you feel like so about me?"
"What? No." Dean gave him a look asking if he was stupid. "You crept up on me over time, you bastard." He afforded to give him a small smirk.
"And Seth just invaded and made an impact in like a week?"
He sure had invaded alright... It made sense though. He had had time to adjust to Roman for a very long time but with the kid... stuff had just happened so fast... with like everything. He hadn't had time to adjust. Not really.
"You're a good man, Dean."
He wasn't.
"I hope you'll be able to receive it, but I'm proud of you for what you did out there. I'm proud to be calling you my brother. What you did for Seth... that's honour, man. Real proud of ya."
He didn't have to get all sentimental... "Shut up, Roman."
"It's still true though." He smiled. "Hey, Dean..." He became more serious, maybe even concerned. "What was all that rambling about before? About being wrong and everything?"
Dean felt little awkward that Roman brought that up. "I don't know... my mind just raced and I got stuck on being forced to do the right thing."
"Forced to do the right thing?"
"I don't know... You were saying stuff as that was the right thing to do, and that my thinking was wrong. I don't know where that came from since I usually couldn't care less about 'right' or 'wrong' as long as stuff's just good for me, you know? But it was like... you wanted me to admit something." He didn't mean it as some accusation, more just like trying to understand himself.
"That really wasn't my intention. As I said, I was happy seeing the difference. I'm sorry that it turned out so wrong... Guess I just got frustrated because you just seemed like an ass about it. No offence, but you are a stubborn dude, and your opinions can be kinda carved in stone but... I didn't realize your internal struggle and what happened next... Maybe stuff happened because of the raupnir fight too. I mean that was intense and I bet the stress and adrenaline were kinda through the roof too huh?"
There probably was a lot going on at the same time and Dean's body just couldn't cope with it. The fight... the stress... thoughts... emotions... it probably just was too much... "You know..." he said. "Maybe it was a good thing. Like a discharge and now it's good?"
"Like a fallout clearing the air?"
"Could be, but like in my own mind."
Roman smirked at that, but Dean just let that one slide. Another turn to more seriousness. "But you know... nobody else can say if you think right or wrong. It's your thinking, nobody can take that from you."
Dean knew that. And practiced it. His thoughts had just been totally messed up, just as his control over some of this bodily functions.
He stretched out again and felt an intense strain on his knee. During all this shit that had happened he had totally forgotten about it. It had bled through the bandages, and had done that quite some time ago.
"How's your knee?" Roman asked, focusing his concern elsewhere.
Dean made a face as he removed the cloth. It stung like hell. The wound was really infected with some yellow slimy goo covering it. It smelled like crap too.
"As I thought... sorry about that emergency cleanup. I'll take care of it, okay?" Roman took out what he needed and went down to business, preparing the ointment. Dean took the opportunity to remove his boots and his disgusting pants. He actually considered getting a new pair...
They shared a comfortable silence. After what had happened he was glad Roman was still there and they had been able to talk about stuff. He wasn't sure if they had been able to get over everything. But for the moment, he felt like the things needed to be said had been said. He didn't want to think about it too much. It was what it was. He just didn't want it to happen again. There had been some powerful forces at work there, to be able to leave him in the state he'd been in.
"Feel kinda bad you had to witness that..." Dean mumbled as Roman put his ointment on his cleaned knee. A pang of déjà vu. That was kinda what the kid had said to him, also something that just happened, and maybe needed out. He didn't just get Roman-germs, now he got Seth-germs too. Dude...
"It's cool, man. … sorry to have put you through it, I'm just glad we talked about it and that you're okay."
Dean didn't say anything. He just still felt a little bad for having put Roman through it. But he didn't apologize for it, because that's just something he didn't do. He guessed it somewhere was apologetic though.
Was he feeling less, because of it? That because of this episode, he wasn't as strong as he seemed to be...? No...
"I'm glad I was able to be here, so you didn't have to go through that alone."
Dean was glad about that too, actually. "Hey, Rome..." he said. Roman looked up from what he was doing. Dean reached out his fist. His brother smiled and bumped it. That was all the understanding they needed between them.
"You think we should find his parents?" Roman asked when he finished bandaging up his knee.
"Why?" Really. Dean didn't understand the point.
"To let them know his state but that he's okay otherwise. And maybe ask them if they know for how long he might be Exhausted."
"For some reason, I don't think they'd care."
"They're his parents."
"Yeah, but hasn't he been saying they didn't care for his Runes? At least his Wind attribute."
"I'm sure they would like to know what happened."
"What if they'll take him from us?" Where did that come from? "I mean, if they believe he's weak as a Wind mage, don't you think there's a risk they will say he's too weak to be a Hunter? And yeah, not letting him be one?" His thoughts were absurd but he just decided to let them roam free.
"Isn't that a little drastic, Dean?"
"I dunno."
Roman gave it a thought, that ended in a warm smile. "Says the man who didn't want him here in the first place."
"He's a Healer..." Dean said, not wanting to go there. If it weren't for his smile, Roman had been treading dangerous grounds there. "He's been useful, okay...!" He had no idea how that went through his mental filters. And of course Roman had to point it out.
Roman must have sensed his state of mind. "Okay, okay, I won't seek them out. We let Seth be the one to decide, I mean if he wanna tell them about this. He's probably not too bad off with 'just' an Exhaustion. And he's in good hands. Maybe we'll just worry them in vain for now..."
Might as well have him here still, he was safe with them. And it was true what he had said; he didn't want Seth taken away from him. Not that he would ever tell him. That had just slipped. "Not a word to him about what I might have said about him...!" he just had to stress that.
Another one of Roman's smirks. Asshole. But his expression became more serious and trustworthy. "Don't worry bro." Just for it to be that damn smirk again. "I'll leave it for you to tell."
Dean just flipped him off. "Did you return with that food or what?" he said instead, wanting desperately to get away from the subject.
Roman just smiled, a friendly one this time. He better, the bastard.
He had gone by the cafeteria and brought some take out. Pancakes... Why did everything have to do with the kid? He couldn't even have any. But it was simple, light food and not hard on the stomach. He wasn't even sure about his hunger levels anyway so maybe pancakes was a good choice. They ate in silence, Dean folding the pancakes into small packages and eating with his fingers. He managed to eat, even though he wasn't hungry. At the same time, he felt like he needed the nutrition after that out of control moment. He wished they had tasted a little better though, they weren't bad... just not tasting much. Was probably just boiled down that he didn't feel like eating. But he still gave his stomach something to work with.
After dinner, Dean got back to his bed, sitting down on it. His leg needed rest. And... he still needed to check up on the kid.
"How do you wanna do now?" Roman asked him later. It was getting darker outside.
"Huh?"
"Seth's in your bed... and you probably need to sleep too..."
"Just scoot him over, towards the wall, he's not that big." Wasn't harder than that.
"What did you do to Ambrose? You're sharing your bunk?"
"I'm not sleeping on the floor, and it's not like we can move him to your bunk, and no way he's sleeping on the floor." Duh, logic. "And you're asking just now? I've been letting him have my bunk since we got here."
"Just figured it was just temporary place for him because you're too lazy or something."
"Tch. You're bigger than me, and he won't have as much space."
"How thoughtful of you." And that goddamn smirk. "So you're not claiming my bed instead? You're intending on sharing?"
"It's my bunk." Dean didn't like his insinuations. Why would he give up his bunk? And why should Roman have it? The kid was fine where he was.
"Anyway, we should get him ready for bed", Roman said in a more serious manner. Seemed like he picked up on Dean's vibes.
"Yeah..." Dean swallowed nervously. Get him ready for bed, that meant changing into night clothes... His heart started beating faster just at the thought.
He got off the bed and got to his clothes stash. A pair of soft pants and a shirt would probably be a little more comfortable than his tight pants and hoodied shirt. Not that he would be moving around, but just lying around... yeah...
"He can wear this", he said, pushing the garments into Roman's chest. Thankfully there wasn't any remark about it, and the big brother just took the role as caretaker and carefully changed the kid's clothes. Dean just looked. He didn't know why, but he just felt like he couldn't do that; pull him up and remove his shirt and make the switch. His heart just beat even faster just watching Roman expose Seth's skin. He was thin but lean muscled. He looked... soft in a way. Maybe it was his teenyness.
Roman just did the stuff without any awkwardness. Maybe that was better for the kid, too.
As Dean watched, he couldn't help feeling like he was invading some privacy moment there. Roman had made the shirt switch and was about to take care of the pants. Something in Dean made the cue to visit the bathroom to make himself ready before hitting the sack. He happened to see his reflection in the mirror. Blush! His cheeks held a freaking blush...! He quickly washed his face to try to remove that heat. That moment before still played tricks on him obviously. Damn...!
Roman was finished with the kid as he walked out, trying to look as casual as possible.
The kid looked so much more comfortable, looking like he was ready for sleep and not unconscious. Dean got onto his bed on his good knee and gently pushed the kid a little closer to the wall. He was feeling a little warmer under his hands. That was good, he thought. Then he realized he was still over the covers, so he lifted him some and pulled the blanket away from under him and covered him again.
He removed his own clothes and dressed in his sleeping shorts and crawled in between the sheets as well. Roman took care of the lights, making Dean just barely be able to make out the kid's features. He lay down on his side, facing him. The upper bunk shifted some as their big brother settled in.
"Keep your paws to yourself now."
"Screw you...!" Dean hissed at the very unnecessary comment from upstairs. As if... he would... touch... him... With that, his thought was betrayed by the back of his forefinger brushing against the kid's upper arm. The touch was featherlight and it wasn't even a conscious action. Butterflies emerged in his stomach feeling his soft skin. He slowly removed his hand, only to brush it as featherlight again. Then he placed his hand against his own chest. Another mysterious gesture. Maybe he just wanted to soothe him...
"Wake up, Seth..." he whispered. He found the irony saying that when going to bed. But it just seemed more appropriate. He turned to his other side, having his back to Seth and closed his eyes to catch some sleep.
The next day just... passed. Dean kept sitting at the bedside, still not wanting to leave Seth's side. He felt responsible, like he had to. By now he knew every feature of his face, every facial hair, every pore. But no matter how much he stared at him, he just didn't show any sign of getting better.
Plagued sleep. It looked like he was having nightmares like so. Was he dreaming? Were they nightmares? Was he in limbo? What was unconsciousness? Was he aware that Dean kept him safe? Was he totally shut off, like just his heart and breathing still functioning? In a way, he wondered, did his heart know his efforts of keeping him safe? Did his... Runes?
He took Seth's hand in his, tracing a thumb over the back of it before turning it to look at the Rune. It looked like a burning page, kinda, with some ornament that could be lettering. With some imagination. A page... ironic since he seemed to like reading. He didn't know if there was any meaning behind the Runes or if it was just some random shapes that was up to the beholder to make out what they looked like. Gently, he traced his fingertips over its lines. They felt just like skin, nothing weird about it. Did he feel that? Were his Runes sensitive like that? Guess his Re-Set Rune was more likely to be the sensitive one though. But nothing had happened when Roman's cousin had touched it. So it probably wasn't.
He sighed. Wasn't there anything he could do? Anything at all to make him recover quicker?
Seth...
