The Path We Chose
Chapter: 11 North Wind
On Valentine's Day, I wore lip gloss. It was clear, but still glossier than my usual lip balm, and maybe Edward would like it. We had planned on spending the whole day together (no gifts, I had insisted-just like at Christmas). He was picking me up at noon to take me where ever it was he was taking me. He had refused to tell me what was planned, but he'd been very smiley about it whenever I asked. I had a few minutes before he was expected so I went to the bathroom. It was in there that I noticed something was wrong, really wrong. I rushed to my room, straight to my calendar searching for my telling red circle. And there it was, six days back. My hand flew directly to my mouth. I felt my sticky lips and just wiped the gloss right off with the back of my hand. At that moment I needed Edward. I called him without thinking twice about it. I just called him.
"Are you on your way over?"
"Yes, are you ready?"
...
"Bella? Are you there?"
"Can you stop at the store?"
"Sure, what do you need? "
...
"Bella?"
"A pregnancy test."
It was quiet for at least three minutes. I just waited and listened, wondering if he was still driving or if he had pulled over. And then, too late, it dawned on me what I had just asked him...and told him…over the phone. It was so quiet. I closed my eyes. There were no take-backs or do-overs when it came to talking. "Why?" Edward finally asked.
"Well, my period is late, that's all. A week late. I just thought I'd check." Okay, no matter how nonchalant you tried to make it sound, there was no way to announce you needed a pregnancy test as if it was no big deal.
"Bella, you want me to pick up a pregnancy test here, in Forks? People will know."
That was a good point. A very good point. I did not want people to know.
"I'll pick you up. We'll go to Port Angeles."
I sat on the edge of my bed, jiggling my legs, waiting for the doorbell. Then I went downstairs and watched for him out the window. Then I got too antsy and waited outside. Then I went to the edge of the sidewalk so I could see his car when he came around the corner. Too many cars passed by that weren't his. No noisy blue Bugs. Of course, when he finally did arrive, I heard him before I saw him.
In the car I said it was probably fine. Maybe I miscalculated or was under stress. We'd always been safe.
"Yes!" he practically yelled. "We have always been safe."
That was all we said about it until we got to the store. He let me wait in the car while he ran in and bought the test. He came back with three different boxes of tests (he was unsure which brand to get, he'd told me), a twelve pack of bottled water and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. If anything could make me laugh now, that was it. I laughed and I couldn't stop. Every time I neared calming I would look at him or the waters or the market bag and just start all over again. He didn't laugh, but he did crack a crooked smile a few times and patted my hand. I felt a bit like a little girl and he was my grandpa, the way he patted my hand. I knew, though, it was his way of comforting his girlfriend gone mad.
I took the test in the park, behind a tree. I pulled my pants down and peed on the stick right there in the park. It was my idea. It was cold, probably just over 50 degrees, but there was no snow and we had our coats. Unable to afford a hotel room and unwilling to wait the whole trip back to Forks for the result, the cold, empty park was the best plan I could come up with. So I took the test and we watched and waited together on the park bench for the minus sign to appear. The plus sign appeared instead. We stared at each other for a minute.
"The line going through the middle is kind of blurry, isn't it?" I said. "Look. It's blurry."
"Yeah, it is."
Maybe that line wasn't quite there, so I drank some water and took more tests. The plus sign appeared three more times before we decided to believe it.
I tossed those sticks out along with the boxes and the unused sticks. We sat on the swings together not really swinging.
"Well, at least we were married first," he said. "At least we have that." I gave him a sort of laugh at his attempt at a joke. "The cashier in the store told me, 'good luck.' What did she mean by that? Do you think she meant: good luck, hope it's not positive, or good luck, hope it is positive?"
"I don't know," I said. "Maybe she just meant good luck, hope it goes your way, or good luck for whatever comes next. It's not luck anyway you look at it. It's circumstance. It's real. Luck is not real. It's just an excuse-a way of explaining good or bad things that happen to you without having to take responsibility for anything. What were you hoping for, anyway? When she said good luck, what were you hoping for?"
"Bella, do you have to ask that? I don't want to answer that."
"You don't have to answer," I said. "...But now that you know the result, what are you thinking?"
He brought a hand to his head, fingers in his hair. That, too, was a hard question for him. I looked down at the wood chips under the swing.
"Do you want the honest answer or do you want me to make you feel better?"
"Both," I said. "No, be honest."
"Well, honestly, I don't know. I'm fucking scared."
"Me too."
I got off my swing and went to his lap, sharing his swing and resting my head on his shoulder, tucking myself into his chest until his arms came around me. His arms, so much stronger than mine, holding me tight, almost like he was protecting me from something. He couldn't protect me from this, though. This was happening, no matter how hard he held me. But he did hold me tight, because that's what we both needed.
Conversations with my dad flashed through my mind. Getting too serious with one boy is unhealthy. Too young to be so serious. Were we being safe? But we had been safe, and somehow it hadn't been enough. There was way too much to think about at this moment. Three entire lives to think about. I saw an image of my mom, smiling, blond hair. She would help me. She would. She would help my dad understand.
"My mom's coming for a visit next weekend. We can tell her and my dad while she's here."
I would have to wait out the week without saying anything to my dad. That was going to be hard. It would nag at me that I knew something this big and kept it from him. When he found out, he would know that I had kept it from him. When I told Edward my fears he said that those thoughts would probably be the farthest thing from my dad's mind once he found out I was pregnant. And that was the first time either of us had said the word, pregnant, out loud.
I looked up at him but I had nothing to say. There were no words. I needed a change of subject so I asked what he had planned for today that we obviously weren't doing.
"We were going ice skating with everyone else. Alice planned it."
"Ice skating! Do you know me at all?" I pushed him away and then tugged him back tight to me at the shock of not feeling him against me anymore. My arms around his back, my head on his shoulder, my face in his neck. He held me tighter-rubbed my arm.
"I wasn't going to make you do it. We were going to sit at the table and watch Emmett struggle on those tiny blades."
"That would have been funny." I almost laughed at the image alone. Almost. "Do you think he would ice skate?"
"Rosalie is his girlfriend. He's probably skating right now. And after we had enough of Emmett, we would have gone under the table to do what you're supposed to do on Valentine's Day."
"How did you get out of it?" I lifted my head to look at him.
"I said we decided to do Valentine's Day alone."
"And Alice let you out of it that easily?"
"I didn't call Alice. Are you kidding me? I called Jasper and left a message on his voice mail."
"Jasper and Emmett are probably hating you right about now."
Edward half-smiled until the reality of how he had avoided a day at the ice rink hit him. His smile faded. "If they knew the truth, they wouldn't hate me." He kissed my head.
We could no longer avoid what was really at the forefront of our minds. We talked about who we would tell, when we would tell them, how we would stay together, hold on to each other, but not once did we discuss what we were going to do about the baby.
The next week was weird. Edward and I didn't talk much at all. He still picked me up for school and we held hands when we walked together, but we were silent. The people around us were all business as usual. At lunch, Rosalie and Emmett still shared heated discussions. Alice still wrapped herself in Jasper. Neither Edward or I ate any food. I rested my head on his shoulder and he brought his hand to my face.
"Bella, you're so quiet." Alice said.
"I don't think I did very well on my French exam," I said, which wasn't a lie. I hadn't been able to concentrate and since I'd taken Spanish the year before, I found myself translating from English to Spanish and then to French. In all honesty, I couldn't even remember taking the test. I remembered the paper was pink-that was it. I may have failed my first test. Ever. That thought made me hide my face in my hands.
"But you studied so hard for it," Alice said. "You had that book open everywhere you went last week."
Last week. I could have told her that a lot of things were different last week. Last week, we were all laughing because Emmett and Jasper decided to end a mind-wrestle with an arm wrestle and Jasper had won because Emmett couldn't stand Jasper's touch. Last week, I had been easily excited by Mrs. Salazar's announcement that we would be moving on to Women's Lit in Literature class. I had immediately read down the list of reading choices, circled too many, and worked through the rest of the class period trying to narrow it down. Last week, the worst thing that had happened was when I'd burnt my wrist while cooking bacon.
"I'm sure you did fine," Alice said.
I forced myself to look up before she could catch on that something else was wrong. "You're probably right."
"They have our brownies today. Do you want to go get a brownie?"
I really did not want to go and get a brownie, but she seemed so eager to cheer me up that I couldn't say no. "Edward," I said and tugged on his arm. "Come with us?"
He answered by standing up and reaching for my hand. I didn't take it. I wrapped my arms around his waist instead. Alice frowned at me and I tried to smile at her but instead I let tears leak from my eyes.
"Bella?" she said.
I shook my head. "I'm afraid I really did fail that test." Both of Edward's arms wrapped around my shoulders and he kissed the side of my head.
"You don't want a brownie, do you?" Alice asked.
"No."
"Maybe Mrs. McClure will let you retake it," she said.
"She won't. Why would she?"
"Because she must know you're a good student. If you did that badly, I'm sure she'll let you. Anyway, don't be so down about it until you know for sure."
"Alice, may I have a minute alone with Bella?"
She nodded and continued on to the lunch line without us. Edward turned me to face him. "Is that true? Do you think you failed?"
"I can barely speak English. How am I supposed to speak French?"
"French is your first class. Maybe she already graded them. Do you want to find out?"
I shrugged.
"Come on." He took my hand and led me out of the cafeteria. "We'll wait outside the classroom for her to come back from lunch. You can tell her you weren't feeling well and you're afraid you failed, and that you were wondering if she'd had a chance to grade them."
Mrs. McClure was already in the classroom when we got there. I entered alone and recited the lines Edward had given me. She told me she hadn't graded them yet but she could grade mine right then if I wanted to wait. She seemed young for a high school teacher, and she was one of those people who always had a small smile on her lips while she spoke. I sat in the front desk and waited, folding and unfolding my hands.
"Isabelle?" she called because that was my name in French class. "Come on up."
She showed me my test. It had a big red, "C" on it. "What happened? The words you got incorrectly were in Spanish."
"I blanked."
"This test was worth a third of your grade. Even if you earn 'A's' on the other two exams your best possibility for the semester is a 'B'."
"Is there anything else I can do?"
"I can give you some extra credit essay work, but you're going to have to really buckle down, Isabelle."
I told her I would do the extra credit and thanked her for taking the time to grade my test for me.
I told Edward I didn't fail. He refrained from asking me what my grade was and I waited until we were almost to Health to repeat what Mrs. McClure had told me.
"'B's' are still good, Bella." I nodded.
Our Marriage project in Health had ended last semester, and now we were learning about drug addiction-which meant mostly movies about kids going to rehab, breaking out of rehab, returning to rehab and then miraculously getting better only to start lecturing others about saying no to drugs. Jessica and Mike started making out as if they were in a movie theater. Even though the lights were off, the room was far from dark when you took into account the uncovered windows and the fact that it was daylight outside. Everyone but Mrs. Hines, who was reading a book, could see Mike and Jessica. I couldn't watch. For just a second, I thought: sure, someone like her doesn't get pregnant, but I do. But that was as far as I allowed my pity party to take me.
At 7:30 PM on the Saturday after Valentine's Day, my dad brought my mom home from the airport as scheduled. She blew in like a burst of wind, hugging me, yapping about her flight and how two kids were allowed to run up and down the aisle even though the flight attendants kept reminding their parents to put the kids in their seat belts. It's for their own safety, the flight attendants kept saying until finally the parents did it and the two kids just screamed and screamed until they fell asleep. "You must be Edward," she said and gave him a hug.
"Sit down," I told my mom. "Do you want a beer?" I asked my dad and grabbed one from the fridge bringing Edward along with me. They were finally seated in the family room-my mom on the couch, my dad in his recliner, popping open his beer. I let my mom share her news first because we already had it figured out anyway. Phil had been picked up by the major league and they were living in Jacksonville now. I congratulated her and hugged her long and tight, my heart pounding because I knew what was coming next. "Bella, I can't breathe, baby." I let her go, went right back to Edward, and stood in front of the TV across from my mom and dad like we were the entertainment. It was time to get this over with. "Mom, Dad," I said, "Edward and I need to talk to you."
"Yes?" My mom said. Edward took my hand again and my eyes darted between my mom and my dad and I couldn't talk. My mouth opened and closed twice, but words evaded me-my brain was slowing down, my lungs were barely working. I still had feeling, though. I knew that because I felt Edward squeeze my hand.
"Oh my god, you're pregnant!"
In that moment I wished like I'd never wished before that I could tell her no. I wished on stars and dandelions and eyelashes. No, Mom, I'm not pregnant. Edward and I failed our marriage assignment. It was a huge part of our grade; we didn't pass the class; we might not graduate. All of that seemed so much easier than this. I couldn't tell her no, though, and I couldn't tell her yes, either. It didn't matter anyway. I didn't have to say anything.
My dad stood up and walked toward Edward. I felt Edward take a step back but he still held my hand. "Is that true?"
"It is," Edward said taking a step forward, in line with me again.
"Wait a minute. You two know what makes a baby. You ignored that? You weren't careful?"
I didn't think this conversation could get any harder until just now. "We tried to be careful," I said to my shoes. I noticed I was standing on the sides of my feet, and stood up straight.
"You tried to be careful?" My dad said. "What does that mean?"
Okay, I could not explain this. There was no way I was saying the word "condom" to my dad.
"I should have had her on the pill," my mom said. "I didn't know it was necessary. I didn't know you were that kind of girl." Edward dropped my hand and my heart sped up until I felt his arm on my shoulder. He squeezed me to his side.
That kind of girl? "Well, I guess I am, Mom." Her angry face and pursed lips replaced my dad as he backed away. She had the floor now.
"Not in Phoenix." She pointed at me. "In Phoenix you were good, you were smart, you talked to me about everything, even boys." She glared at Edward, then at me. "I should have never sent you here." Then she turned to my dad and I was relieved to be looking at the back of her head now. "You let her run around with boys. Alone with boys without questioning her or talking to her or telling me about it? And it didn't even take a year. Not even a year. How long has it been? Six months?"
I wanted to tell her that I was still good and smart and there was only one boy, but I was a coward and didn't say a thing. Then she spun around to yell at Edward.
"Did you do this? Did you pressure her? She was a virgin before you. You took that from her and replaced it with your baby!" I moved my arm, that had been tucked snuggly between our sides, to his waist. Edward let her yell at him without looking away or saying anything back.
And, oh, God. Had she just use the 'V' word? Virgin? My gaze shot to my dad, anticipating…I didn't even know what. He was still standing behind my mom, looking at Edward, his jaw clenched tight, his lips turned down under his mustache, but he didn't move. Edward was looking right back at my dad and I tried to read Edward's expression but I couldn't. Stoic, maybe? Definitely strong, but not defiant, defensive or angry.
"He didn't pressure me, Mom. We decided together. We love each other."
"You love each other? You're seventeen. What do you know of love? Do you know that love is not enough? Charlie and I were in love once upon a time. Things change, Bella. Love, it-it fades."
I watched my dad sit back down in his chair. Love may have faded for her, but now, I wasn't so sure about my dad. I half expected him to clutch at his heart but he didn't. "Have you told your parents, Edward?" She continued surprisingly calm now, as if she hadn't just emotionally hurt every person in this room.
"You're the first we've told," he said.
"Well, let's go then. I'd love to hear what they have to say about this." She grabbed for my dad's keys and we all knew to follow her. Out we went in a line, heads down, like baby elephants.
"You want to ride with me?" Edward asked me but apparently my mom had assumed the role of taking over my life.
"No, she does not. You've done enough. Get in the backseat, Bella."
And I did. I got in the backseat and buckled myself in, stuck there in the backseat of the car, and this situation and even my life. We drove through town, to the edge of town, and through the outskirts of town until the road turned and wound through the forest. I looked at the dark, uneven road in front of us, the future. I watched as the headlights brought it into present, then, in a flash, it was the past, dark again behind us. How fast it came and went, over and over again. Just a passenger, I watched the world pass by while others led, and I had strapped my own self down.
So, yes, she's pregnant. But I'm trying to make this a unique telling. Let me know if I succeed.
And things are suddenly heavy now, but that's what I think happens when you're a teenager and find out you're pregnant-life kind of turns upside down for a little while.
The heart of the story is still Edward's and Bella's relationship and how they make choices and get through their problems together.
Please review. :)
