The Path We Chose

Chapter: 13 Bell Jar, Interrupted

My new room had light gray walls, one big window with dark gray silk curtains, and a matching comforter on the double bed. The throw pillows were midnight blue silk with thin black velvet vines sewn on. My old room didn't have throw pillows. My old room did have the teddy bear that now sat in between the two throw pillows-the bear that had apparently kept me from growing up. I tossed it off the bed, then stared at it lying upside down on the carpet for just a minute before picking it up and placing it gently in a corner. I patted its mink-soft head as though I had hurt its feelings. Teddy would live there on the floor until baby came. Then it would be hers or his, and he or she could sleep with it until the age of thirty-five or beyond for all I cared.

I had a wood dresser and matching nightstand, and a walk in closet that was way too big for my clothing collection. It looked empty the way my clothes all hung in less than a quarter of the closet. My two pairs of tennis shoes, old and worn in, one pair of black flats, and one pair of boots took up even less space than my clothes. I imagined it would get a little fuller once maternity and baby ensembles hung there, too.

Carlisle had made it clear during dinner, that Edward and I would not be sharing a room. I didn't know how that would be possible, but I could not argue. Carlisle had done so much for me. He had also clarified that, although he was not happy about the situation, it was very similar to his and Esme's and they would be as supportive as possible. Other than welcoming me, Esme had been extremely quiet and, like me, she had mostly just moved the chicken and rice around her plate rather than eat it. Another stipulation that Carlisle had laid out for us was that Edward would have to get a part-time job to help pay for the baby. He'd said that I would continue school until I started showing and then I would home school independently and hopefully graduate early. After Carlisle had said that, Esme started crying. She'd excused herself and Carlisle had followed her out of the kitchen. I'd looked questioningly at Edward, but he'd just taken my hand in silence.

Edward was with me now in my new room helping me put the last of my things away. My cell phone rang and a chill ran through my body thinking it might be my mom or dad. I looked at Edward and then at my phone before answering. "It's Alice." Edward let me have some privacy. I didn't need it, but he gave it to me anyway.

Unlike Jasper, Alice had questions. Her questions were not built of gossip or curiosity, but only concern. "What's happening, Bella?" Alice's voice was loud and panicked through the phone. I could almost see her eyes, round and black. "You and your dad…What is going on?" I couldn't tell her about the baby. Not yet. And not over the phone.

"I'll tell you everything soon; I just can't right now. Can you understand that?"

"Of course. I'm worried about you, though. I mean, you and your dad? Did he hit you or something?"

"It's nothing like that. We just didn't see eye-to-eye on some major things. He wanted me to move to Florida with my mom but I can't do that. I think he'll come around, though. I could see it in his eyes."

"Will you be at school tomorrow?"

"I think so. I plan on being there," I said.

"I love you, Bella. I'm here whenever you need me."

"I know, Alice. I love you, too. Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"Jasper, he's…well, he's one of the good ones-the best ones."

"Yes, he is." I could hear the smile in her voice.

"Never let him go. He's perfect for you."

"I wouldn't."

After I hung up, I took a shower. It was long and hot and I lifted my face so the water could blend with my tears and wash them away. It was strange for me, showering in that bathroom across the hall. It wasn't my bathroom. It felt temporary-like tomorrow I would be back at home in my own shower, in my own bed. But I no longer had either of those things. Nothing was my own anymore.

I slipped into a night shirt, combed through my hair, brushed my teeth, then knocked on Edward's door. "Good night," I said when he answered. He kissed me, walked me back to my room and told me he would lie with me until I fell asleep. We couldn't ignore Carlisle's wishes and spend the entire night together when he had done so much for us.

"What about you?" I asked Edward.

"I'll fall asleep easily once I know you're asleep." We were both on our backs, his arm around me, running his fingers over the top of my head. It was soothing. I closed my eyes.

"When did you know you wanted to keep the baby?" I asked.

"I'm not sure of the exact moment, but I kept thinking of my mom. If she had decided to follow her parents' wishes and end her pregnancy, I wouldn't be here right now."

That thought compelled me to turn over and hold tight around his waist-holding as close as possible, my head on his chest.

"Bella, I'm sorry about what happened. The way things went down. Maybe the situation could have been handled better, but we didn't have the time. I am so happy you're here. I couldn't have lasted one minute with you in another city, let alone another state. We can do this." He kissed my head, his fingers continuing their course through my hair. "We can," he said again as if he was trying to convince himself, too.

"I hope you're right," I said. "You will probably be the perfect father. I just hope I don't suck at being a mom."

He laughed. "Are you fishing for a compliment? Because I know that you know you could never suck at anything."


I woke up alone and early, well before the alarm went off. Slipping out of bed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrored closet door. The last couple of days had aged me some. My face was older-cheeks thinner, dark circles underneath my eyes. Maybe it was stress or maybe it was the pregnancy. This thought brought my hands to my stomach. I noticed I'd been doing that quite often, involuntarily. I would have to try hard not to do it at school. Edward and I had decided we weren't going to tell anybody yet. We weren't ready for that. I wasn't ready for that.

Something caught my eye through the mirror. There was a stack of books on my dresser, topped with a key. I went to them and under the key, found the first edition Velveteen Rabbit. I picked it up and set it in Teddy's lap in the corner. I knew it was meant for baby. I sifted through the other books; two Jane Austen's, one Bronte, and one Shakespeare: A Midsummer Night's Dream. They were all stories about strong women, save one that was built of magic and wonder.

Edward peeked his head in. "Ah, the sneaky book fairy," I said.

"I know you did not just call me a fairy." He was all the way in my room now. "We didn't have time to pack up your books, so..." He shrugged. "Uplifting stories are a rarity in classics-at least the ones I have. Authors like Dostoevsky and Tolstoy are just too dark and depressing for me to give to you as a gift right now. You're welcome to anything of mine you want, though."

I looked into his generous eyes and let him know that he had already given me enough, and that anything of mine was his, too. He kissed me and told me he had everything he wanted or needed in his arms. I loved hearing that, but I couldn't help but be reminded that he was only seventeen-even if he was what my grandma would have called an old soul. If he didn't feel it yet, I hoped he would never feel trapped. He was giving up so much for me and baby-not only his freedom and his future, but himself. In the last week, since the moment I asked him to buy me a pregnancy test, everything he had done had been for me. He was being completely selfless. Maybe that was what he wanted right now, but eventually, he would have to think of himself and I hoped and prayed he would not regret all of this. That was when I started feeling hot. A little too hot. Maybe I should have told him my fears then-been honest with him. Instead, I told him how much I loved having him there to greet me in the morning, which was also true.

In the school parking lot, before I even stepped out of Edward's car-still feeling hot and a little dizzy-Alice was there pulling at me. "Hi, Bella!" She hugged me and kissed my cheek-comforting me, and she didn't even know why. I should have said, hello, back. I should have thanked her but I didn't say anything. In the halls, I looked at the floor. Edward walked me to my French class, kissed me and told me he loved me. I still didn't say a thing. I didn't even tell him that I loved him, too.

I'm sure I didn't hear a word the teacher said in class. I heard the heat blowing from the ceiling. I heard papers crinkling and notebooks opening around the room. All of that was too loud. I was the only one who kept everything in my backpack. I sat at my empty desk, put my head down and didn't move. Walking the hallway again, it was worse without Edward. I felt like everyone knew about everything, like it was all written on my face, so I hid myself the best I could. The heels of my hands were against my forehead.

I walked right into warmth. "Jasper," I said.

"Bella? Are you sick?"

"Edward."

He put an arm around me and walked me through the halls. I don't know where we went; I wasn't watching. He brought me to Edward, though. Moved me right from his arms to Edward's

"Bella, what is it?" Edward said. I leaned against his chest until his arms enveloped me like I knew they would. "You look gray." I was cold but sweating at the same time, I could hear my own breathing and it was deep and heavy. Jasper must have disappeared. I didn't know where he went. He just wasn't there anymore.

I stood on tiptoe to whisper in Edward's ear, "I feel like everyone knows." My legs began to tremble so I lowered myself.

He bent down, giving me his green eyes. "Impossible. You haven't told anybody have you?"

I shook my head, "Not even Alice."

"Then nobody knows. We haven't said a word. I swear I won't say anything until you're ready. Okay?" He ran his hands down my arms and then drew me back into his body by my elbows. I locked my arms around his back. "Okay?" he asked again. He kissed my head and kept his lips there against my hair.

I saw Mike stop and look at me with concern in his eyes. Then he glared up at Edward, accusingly, as though Edward may have hurt me. I looked at Edward, too. His eyes were on me, as if Mike wasn't even there. No one else was there but me. I turned my head against Edward's chest, facing the wall, the lockers, away from Mike and everyone. Neither of us said anything and Mike finally left.

The final bell rang. We were late for class now, a class we didn't have together. I couldn't remember what class I had next. I thought it was World History, but I couldn't be sure. Maybe it was Literature. Had I gone to History yet? Whichever it was, I knew it wasn't Health with Edward. "This is so hard," I was clinging to him, my hands holding tight to the back of his shirt, my cheek against his chest. "I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm sinking. I don't want to be away from you. I can't be away from you. It's pathetic." I turned my face and rubbed my forehead against his chest; I wanted to feel the friction on my skin. I may have cried then. I know my breathing had grown even heavier thinking of going to some class without Edward. I looked up at him, his eyes still on me. They never left. "I don't know what it is. I feel panicked when you're not with me. Right now, the way you're holding me, it's all I want. Your arms." I reached up to touch them. "These arms, right here. I need them."

"They're here. I'm here," he said, and I knew I was crying then because he was wiping at my tears, but my tears kept coming faster than he could wipe them away, so he just gave me the arms I needed, wrapping me up tight, letting me soak his shirt. "Bella," he said. "Are you okay?" Somehow I remembered we were still at school. We were standing outside of a classroom and I was crying. I had to get control of myself. I took a deep breath.

"I don't know-There's been so much going through my head since this morning. I'm afraid of everything, even my own thoughts. Why can't I just be afraid of spiders like normal girls? You know, when my friends in Phoenix would run from spiders in the house or squash them with their shoes, I picked the critters up with my fingers and freed them, even the big ones-and spiders come really big in Arizona. All my friends would screech and covered their eyes. I didn't give it a second thought. And now, I can't even face what's in my own mind." His hands were rubbing my back, trying to calm me. It worked a little bit. My breathing was steadying.

"I think it was too soon for you to come back," he said. The sound of his voice soothed me further. "You should be resting. You've been through a lot more in the last few days than most people go through their entire lives. You are strong, Bella. You just need rest."

He took me to the nurses office to excuse me for the rest of the day. He didn't let go of me the entire time because I wouldn't let him. I held on tightly around his waist and both of his arms were wrapped around my shoulders and he kissed my head or my face every so often. I didn't feel strong at all. I felt like if he let go of me I would spill into a puddle on the yellow linoleum. The janitor could come by and mop me right up. "Please don't let go of me," I said.

"I'm not letting go of you, Bella. Don't worry." Edward had to excuse himself, too so he could drive me home.

He opened the car door for me and we both knew he had to let me go. He hugged me close before releasing me to my seat. He kissed the back of my hand and the inside of my wrist then closed my door. I had never felt so out of control of myself. I almost started crying again out of frustration. I really didn't want Edward to see me like this, but at the same time I needed him. I swallowed my sobs as he came around to the driver's side. He started the car then, but he couldn't hold me because he needed to work the gearshift so he took my hand and linked it at his elbow. Once he was at a steady speed, he wrapped his arm around me, pulled my head to his shoulder, and rubbed up and down my arm with his thumb. Rain fell against the windshield. The wipers pushed it off. I wanted to roll down the window, stick my head out and let the rain land on my face, but I didn't move. At his house, he brought me to the round kitchen table where I let my cheek fall to the wood. He knelt next to me, his arm still around my waist as I sat in the chair. He brought his cheek to the table, too, facing me. "Bella, love, are you alright, now? Can I make you something to eat?"

"Yes, please."

He kissed my temple then brought me a big glass of water and told me, drink. He made me tomato bisque soup for lunch because it was my favorite. I think I fell asleep, head on the table, for a little while. He brought two bowls of soup over and ate with me. I felt a little better with each bite I took. The thoughts racing through my mind were slowing down, breaking apart like clouds, drifting off, quieting. I ate some more, not even caring that I slurped in front of him. It made him smile to watch me, though, which in turn, made me smile. He touched my smile, happy to see it. "You're feeling better," he said, and I was.

"Are you real?" I asked him.

He laughed. "Are you?"

I racked my memory for all the times I had seen other people speaking directly to him right in front of me. I had to make sure that I wasn't schizophrenic and he wasn't my other, more stable, more worldly, and more knowing self.

"Tell me about the spiders in Arizona," he said.

I told him about the tarantulas, big and hairy and harmless, who liked to find their way into homes. I told him about the black widows, the only spiders I wouldn't touch, and who usually stayed outside in dark corners. And I told him about the small jumping spiders who leap on their pray. I thought they were cute, the way they jumped. He laughed at that. He had probably never heard a girl call a spider cute.

"Afraid of puppies but you like spiders?" He shook his head at me.

"Bella," he said as I slurped some more at my tomato bisque. He leaned across the table, taking the spoon from my mouth and pushing my bowl aside. "Just so you know…" His eyes sought mine as his hands found my arms and rubbed them roughly, "I need these arms, too. " His hold tightened. "I need them." He moved closer to me, kneeling on the floor again. We were eye-to-eye. "I need these lips," and he kissed them. "And these eyes." He kissed my eyelids. "And this nose. And this neck." He tilted my chin with his finger, traced a line down my throat, then kissed it. "And both of these ears." He took my earlobes into his mouth one after the other, I felt his tongue both times. And then we were up, leaving the kitchen a mess, scrambling to his room. We barely made it through his bedroom door before yanking each other's clothes off. We couldn't get them off fast enough and our kisses and touches were feverish and frenzied. It didn't matter that our mouths and tongues didn't match up because we were both just taking what we needed and giving back whatever we could.

He only paused once as we stood at the edge of his bed. He pulled back from me and I stepped toward him with my eyes still closed, reaching with my lips, but he stopped me with his hands against my face. I opened my eyes. "Please don't feel pathetic, Bella, because I need you as much as you need me."

He showed me and then I showed him and then we showed each other at the same time how much one needed the other. His kisses were fire on my skin. They burned. I wanted more. The fiery kisses at my neck, my stomach, the inside of my thigh brought tears to my eyes but I didn't let them spill. "I love you," I said. "Thank you. I love you." I said it again just to make sure he heard it. I hadn't said it earlier. He answered me with more kisses. His kisses and his tongue, they didn't stop. Not for a second. And then, for the first time since we found out I was pregnant, we did exactly what had delivered us into our situation in the first place. Except, this time we didn't even bother with a condom.

Afterward, he played Debussy softly through his stereo, wrote a note, taped it to his door and turned the lock, before returning to me, entangling our naked bodies together like a braided rope.

"What did the note say?" I asked against his chest.

His answer breezed the top of my head. "Do not disturb. We are just sleeping." I felt him shrug, "It's true now." And then he ran his fingers down my hair, over and over, until I fell asleep. We both slept the rest of the day and through the night undisturbed.


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