Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just an uninvited guest swimming in her pool.
The Path We Chose
Chapter 15: Truth
Edward and I couldn't have known that today signified more than our first doctor's appointment. It had been a month since that day in the park when we found out about baby. We strolled into the waiting room just as Rosalie was turning from the counter with a case of birth control pills in her hand. If Edward had not been there with one arm around my shoulder and a hand on my stomach, I could have played this off. Instead, we all froze. Rosalie was stuck in her spot, mid-stride. I looked up at Edward and I'm sure my face was white. I could feel how white it was. His head shot from me to Rosalie and back to me again. I gave him one nod and took a seat, willing the color back into my face, while he crossed to the still-gaping (and perhaps, not breathing), Rosalie. I heard him softly say, "call the others…my house…" And then she hugged him, held him long and tight--kissed his cheek. He came back to sit next to me, but called Rosalie's name before she was out the door. "Don't say a word," he said.
"I won't say anything." She looked at me and the right side of her lips lifted into a quarter-smile, like she wasn't sure if she was allowed to smile or not. Then she left. I rested my head on Edward's shoulder. We didn't talk about Rosalie or what we would say to our other friends. Ready or not, it was happening.
The waiting area was bright with vases of fresh flowers scattered around. It looked cheerful while I was full of dread thinking of how we were about to let our friends down the same way we had let our parents down.
Dr. Denali was as gentle as Carlisle had described. She was soft spoken and her deep, thoughtful eyes let me know that she was on our side. She wasn't judging us for being young or questioning what kind of parents we could possibly make. Parent…what a strange thing to think of myself. I used to be kid, student, girlfriend, but now I was parent.
My stomach exposed, covered in warm liquid, Dr. Denali rolled some strange device across my stomach. "This is called a transducer," she said, "it transmits high frequency sound waves so we can view the inside of your abdomen. We will measure your baby and determine your due date." She turned the screen toward us and showed us our baby. At this point, baby consisted of black and white blobs. She said our baby was healthy and due in October. October 13th. Yes, I did the math right there on the gray exam chair. We had conceived in January. But nothing…nothing…was more powerful than hearing baby's heartbeat. The heartbeat was there. The heartbeat was real. Edward and I had made that heartbeat. I closed my eyes and listened.
Before we left, Dr. Denali gave us an ultrasound photograph to take with us. "This is your baby," she smiled.
"Yes it is," I said. Edward kissed my cheek and grinned.
Edward and I posted the picture on the wall in my room right over the dent I had made with my phone. Then we waited for our friends to arrive. They arrived in pairs just as we knew they would.
This announcement had already been made twice, and we'd been standing up both times. This time I was determined to sit down. I took a seat; we all did. Rosalie was on Emmett's lap on Carlisle's chair. Jasper was sitting on the armrest of the sofa next to Alice who was next to me. Edward was on my other side with his hand on my leg. We all sat and acted like there was nothing to be said until Edward said it.
"Bella's pregnant and we're keeping the baby." He said it on one breath so there would be no questions. All eyes were on me all at once so I stood up. I had to. Otherwise, I would have shrunk and disappeared into the sofa. Alice had both of her hands over her mouth. Jasper's jaw had dropped. Rosalie, who's expression hadn't changed, was lifted like a feather off Emmett's lap as he stood up and started pacing the room. Alice came to me and put both of her arms around me. Nobody had said a word yet. Edward was the only one left sitting. I hugged Alice back because it seemed she needed more comfort than I did.
"We aren't ready for it to become public yet," Edward continued when nobody said anything. "The only reason we're telling you all now is because…well…Rosalie ran into us at the doctor's office. So, please, just don't talk about it at school. We can't have people finding out, even accidentally." He looked up at me and I smiled at him.
"Bella-" Alice began, but was interrupted by Emmett yelling. It startled her so much that she released me and jumped back.
"Are you serious, Edward?! What about…everything!" Emmett had stopped pacing and was just glaring down at Edward. Rosalie took a few steps toward her big bulk of a boyfriend.
And then no one was left sitting. Edward stood instantly, shooting Emmett a pointed look--narrowed eyes and a shake of his head. I could not let that go.
"What is everything?"
"You are, Bella. You are everything." Edward reached an arm out for me.
"Don't patronize me!" I stepped out of his reach.
"I'm not. You are everything. What I used to think was important just isn't anymore. It's nothing, please forget it."
"You know I can't do that."
He was just shaking and shaking his head at Emmett, who glared back at him. Then Emmett turned his anger toward me. "Oh, you're kidding me!" He took one step toward me and I took three steps back. "You two are supposed to be in love and all that, and he didn't even tell you about Stanford? We've only been working towards it for--"
"Hey, hey," Jasper said, holding his hands up. But he was not heard. Edward flew at Emmett. Emmett was standing on the other end of the sofa and Edward flew. His feet couldn't have touched the ground. All I could do was stare. Stanford. He hadn't told me. We never talked about college at all. It seemed so far away, but suddenly, now, it wasn't.
You may delay but time will not. I remembered the quote that Emmett had recited to Edward a couple of weeks ago in the cafeteria. All his talk about procrastination. And then I was reminded of all the times Emmett had tried to talk to Edward and Edward had made a joke of it or just ignored it. And that time when Emmett said he wanted to talk to me about college… Edward had purposely been keeping this from me.
Rosalie's scream and the crash of breaking glass brought me back to the Cullens' living room. Through a fog I remembered seeing Edward and Emmett fighting. The two of them rolling around on the floor, and as big as Emmett was, Edward was holding his own. Then Emmett was pushed into the coffee table, knocked it over and it shattered against the wood floor. That, paired with Rosalie's scream shocked them both, pausing their fight. Alice was behind the couch with Jasper, covering her eyes. Edward stood, bent over, hands on his knees, panting. The corner of his lip was bleeding. He wiped it with the back of a finger, then returned his hand to his knee. Emmett was upright, not a bit out of breath, as if nothing had happened--except he was still glaring at Edward.
"How could you do this, man? You didn't even talk to me. This was our plan." He groaned. "I knew something was up when you stopped talking about it. I guess I'm on my own now." He wasn't even upset about their fight--just their college plans down the drain like dirty bathwater. Rosalie put her hand on Emmett trying to calm him. It's really hard to imagine a big guy like that tearing up, but his eyes were glassy. He brought his thumb and index finger to his face, pressing against his tear ducts. I wondered if he could even feel Rosalie's hand, it looked so tiny on his big bicep.
Jasper left Alice's side and rounded the sofa until he stood between Edward and Emmett, holding his arms out at both of them.
"Don't touch me, man," Emmett said to Jasper.
"Okay, we can talk about this. Just…calm…the fuck…down." That was probably the most peaceful way anyone had ever used the word "fuck" before. It could have meant love, the way he said it.
"Yeah," Edward said to Emmett. "What about J? You won't be on your own."
"No," Jasper said. He was shaking his head but both his arms were still out. He wasn't dropping his guard yet. "I tried, but I don't have the grades."
"What? I didn't know that."
"Well, you wouldn't," he said, letting his gaze fall from Edward to me.
I felt so small in that moment, like one of those tiny shards of glass by our feet. Maybe there was something else one of them could say to shatter me further. Just step on me until all that was left was dust. I knew what I was being accused of. I had come into this tight-knit group just to tear them apart. I started backing away. Somebody said my name. Maybe a few people said my name.
"Don't follow me," I said to no one in particular, or everyone. I went into the utility room, grabbing for a broom, dustpan and wastebasket.
When I returned, Rosalie and Emmett were gone, Jasper had a hand on Edward's shoulder, talking to him, and Alice was sitting on the sofa. I started with the bigger pieces first, picking them up and tossing them in the basket. "Bella, don't, you'll cut yourself," Edward said. I gave him a look that told him to back off. I didn't care if I cut myself at this point. I saw him step back, as if my eyes had pushed him, as if they had a force that strong.
Alice started helping me. I heard her sniffle. Jasper and Edward silently joined us in picking up the glass. The only sounds heard were the clunking and clinking of glass pieces as they were tossed and swept. I felt Edward touch my arm and I pulled away like he had electrocuted me. I couldn't feel his touch just then. I would have cried. I didn't want to cry. I had done enough of that.
After the glass was cleaned up, and thoroughly vacuumed, Alice hugged me. "I'm here for you," she said, and I nodded even though I couldn't let her be. Not anymore. She belonged to Edward and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, not me.
She told Jasper it was time to go, that Edward and I needed privacy, but Jasper said he needed to talk to me first. "Do you mind, Bella?"
He guided me out the front door with a hand between my shoulder blades. I avoided Edward's gaze as we passed him. Jasper and I sat on the porch under Esme's wisteria as we looked out at her daffodils, dahlias and red geraniums all barely in bloom among the ferns that she let grow naturally. Beyond that, the forest filled with wild, native plants that I didn't have all the names for. I couldn't look that far. I focused on the familiar. What was near. Jasper rubbed my back and I turned to him. His eyes, even through the hair falling over his eyebrows, were so bright blue and full of what looked like regret. "Bella, I know what it looked like in there, but you have to forget what you think you saw."
"What I think I saw?" I yelled. It was the first time I had ever yelled at Jasper and I felt instantly bad and lowered my voice. It didn't matter that he was touching me, with or without his calming warmth, I never wanted to yell at Jasper. "Are you saying that Emmett and Edward didn't just fight because Edward has thrown his life away for me?"
"No, I'm not talking about the fight. I'm talking about the fact that you think he has thrown his life away and it's your fault. I could feel you, Bella, in there. I could feel you backing away, and I don't mean literally." He removed his hand from my back, his gaze was on the forest ahead. He knew what his simple touch could do. Whatever he was going to say, he wanted me to hear it without the influence of his touch. "It's true, Edward hasn't been around as much since you and he became friends but that's natural. In a new relationship, one as strong as yours, it's normal to retreat into your own world. Alice and I do it all the time. But you. You're in an impossible situation. I mean, not impossible," he shook his head, "but unpredictable. You can't please everyone. You can't. You and Edward have to do what is right for you. You know that, don't you?"
"I know," I said. "But Edward, he has given up so much already. How can he give up something like Stanford? That sort of opportunity--it's rare. You don't know how scared I've been knowing what Edward has already given up for me. And now this? Stanford? He deserves that, Jasper. And if he doesn't get the chance, you can't tell me that he won't regret it someday. Maybe even resent me. That is my worst fear."
"I understand, Bella. I also know that Edward chose you months ago. He fell in love with you and we were all happy for him and for you--Rosalie, aside. He chose you, because he wanted to. He was never forced. He wants you. He's happy with you and he's sticking by you. Just let him talk to you. Let him tell you himself. Whatever he decides to give up--you're worth it, Bella." He squeezed my shoulder like I saw him do for Edward earlier, then he looked at my stomach giving it a nod. "You're both worth it."
And just like only Jasper could do, he had given my thoughts a complete one-eighty. "There should be more people in the world like you, Jasper. And I don't mean your special gift, whatever it is. I just mean you."
"Back at ya," he said and gave me a one-armed squeeze. I kissed his warm cheek, and went inside to kiss Alice's cool cheek and then went straight to Edward.
"Thank God," he said on a breath of relief. He welcomed me against him kissing my hair and my temple, my cheek, my jaw and my lips, then moved me to the sofa where he could get me closer. I felt his heart pounding in his chest so hard I wondered if it hurt him. He really had been scared. "I thought I was losing you. I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"How long have you been planning on Stanford, Edward? Don't sugar coat it, please. Just be honest. I need honesty."
"Emmett planned on it first, probably at birth. Jasper and I didn't decide to join him until seventh grade when we took a trip to California with his family. His dad was all about Stanford, his Alma mater. He took us to Palo Alto and bought us all Stanford t-shirts. I think Emmett has a Stanford shirt for every size he's ever worn. Funny thing is, I've never seen him actually wear one. After Palo Alto, his dad took us to San Francisco, the best city I've ever visited. Have you been there? It's beautiful. Even at thirteen, I knew that. Emmett's dad made Stanford sound exciting and almost unattainable. It was my perfect challenge."
"Maybe you can still do it."
He just shook his head. "I was depending on a scholarship. I can't afford it. It's not for me, not anymore, and it's fine Bella, it is. These last twenty minutes of not knowing how you felt or what you were thinking was harder to get through than distinguishing my Stanford plan."
"Your Stanford dream, Edward. Just don't give up on it. Maybe we can figure something out. We have time. Look at your dad, medical school and everything after you came along. It can't be impossible. You've given up so much already."
"It is nothing. I'm telling you, please believe me. As long as I have you I have not given up a thing. Really, I wouldn't call it a dream. Like I said, it was a challenge. I have other challenges now."
I didn't say anything. I was still thinking of some way to get him to Stanford. It was the least I could do.
"Bella, I have to tell you something. I didn't want to say anything but maybe if I do you will understand why I will go to any lengths I have to for you and our baby."
I turned to look in his eyes. What could he possibly have to say? Was it worse than the Stanford thing? I thought about asking him not to tell me. I didn't want to be angry or sad or hurt. I had just been through it. Too soon. But I didn't want anymore secrets between us.
"That day in the park when you took the tests. I was racking my mind for what could have gone wrong, and I remembered something. One night in January, I pulled out, but the condom wasn't on me. I was in such a hurry, I must not have put it on properly. I had to pull it out of you. I didn't say anything. Honestly, I really didn't think anything of it, but if I had--I don't know, maybe you could have taken the morning after pill or something. This is probably my fault and there is nothing I won't do to make it right."
I brought a hand to his face. His poor, sad face. He leaned against my palm. He needed to feel me, too. "Edward, I know that. I felt it when you pulled it out. I didn't think anything of it either. Even if you had told me, I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong. It's not your fault. Besides, we really can't be sure if that was the night or not. There were a lot of nights in January…" Then something else occurred to me. "Wait a minute." I pulled my hand from his face and stood up all in one motion. His hands dropped down my waist to the sides of my knees "Every decision you've made has been based on guilt?"
He stood up with me. That irritated me. Why couldn't he just let me tower over him for once? "No. Every decision I've made has been based on love. The guilt was always there, following, but the love was guiding, leading."
"Edward, I love you, I do, but I need some time away. You've been keeping things from me and I feel like I'm being pushed back and forth. I don't even know where to stand. I'm going to go to my dad's tonight, alone. The way you've handled everything from the moment I asked you to buy me a pregnancy test…it's just all been so unreal. I'm grateful to you, so grateful, but I'm scared. I've been scared. I'm afraid you're going to wake up one day and realize everything you've given up, possibly out of guilt." I turned away. I was afraid to look at his eyes--scared I would see that guilt. I headed toward the door and my backpack still sitting in the foyer.
"Don't go yet." He followed me. "Stay. Let's talk about this."
"I have to. I need to just…think."
"Do you want me to drive you?" If he drove me, he might find some way to stay with me and I really needed some time to myself. I told him I would take my truck. "Come back to me?"
"Of course I will."
"Tonight?"
I didn't answer. I was unsure of my answer.
He pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back, and what he said next almost kept me right there in his arms. I felt his words on my shoulder and my neck. "Just remember the grapes, Bella, and our own homecoming night with The Cliffs, and our two first kisses. How many couples get two first kisses? Remember the night we shared the best words we will ever hear, and remember us, in your bed that first time. Things have been rough lately, but we will get back there...we will." Then he pulled back so he could look into my eyes, his hands resting on my shoulders. "I don't think I say it enough. I don't say it because I feel it all the time in every bone of my body, in my blood, and every time I look at you or think of you. I feel it so deeply that it's become a part of me. It's like breathing and I don't think to say it because it just always is. I love you. I love you with my whole heart. Feel that." He held his arm out and I felt. "It's in my skin. It's permanent. I can't stop it and I wouldn't want it to stop. I am the grateful one because I have you to love. I get to love you." I opened my mouth but he stopped me with a finger on my lips. "Don't say anything back. I know you love me, too, but these words are for you. You deserve to hear them."
I opened my mouth again to speak and again he stopped me, and laughed because he knew I really wanted to talk. "One more thing. Remember that night outside this house when we knew we were keeping our baby." He brought his hand to my stomach--still flat, but so full. "Even though, on the surface, that was one of the hardest nights of both of our lives, it was also the most significant. It was the night we made the most important decision we will ever make, and it was the best decision we could have made."
That did it. I cried. The tears that had been building since Emmett had yelled at me were finally free. "Edward, why didn't you stop at 'just remember the grapes?'" I said laughing and crying at the same time. "And you're right, deciding to keep our baby was the best decision we could have made. I'm glad it never occurred to either one of us for me to take the morning after pill. I would be empty right now."
Our lips met like magnets, me reaching up and him leaning down at the same time. We gave each other the kiss we both needed. It was soft. It was tender. It was air. It was our oxygen. I thought I saw him grimace at the end. And then I forced myself to leave his embrace, turned and headed toward the door. He pulled my back to him one more time, brushed my hair aside and pressed his lips to the back of my neck. It gave me goose bumps and I felt his love on my skin, too. He released me and his voice was the last thing I heard before I closed the door.
"Come back."
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Edward, Edward, Edward...what were you thinking?
