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The Path We Chose

Chapter 18: Springtime Blues

It was just after 4:00 and I was waiting for Edward to come home from his job interview at the hospital. Waiting for Edward made me hungry. So did sitting around, walking, or studying. I went to the Cullens' kitchen for something to eat and came back to the living room with milk and four chocolate chip cookies on a napkin. At least the milk was healthy. Obviously the coffee table was still absent, so I held my milk on my lap while nibbling the Extra Chunky Chips Ahoy and staring at the forest view out the window. It was nearly April and it was still so cold outside. I watched the trees blowing in the wind and the wind tossing the rain at the window. I heard the sliding door on the other side of the kitchen and then voices, Edward's and Carlisle's.

"What do you think, Edward?"

"I don't know. I have to talk to Bella about it." I recognized Edward's "exasperated" voice. He was trying to end their conversation.

"I married your mom before you were born. It was the right thing to do back then."

"I know, Dad."

"Well, do you plan on marrying Bella?"

I nearly choked on my cookie and forgot there was ever a beautiful view in front of me. I grabbed all of my evidence and scrambled for the stairs, not wanting to hear his answer. I was afraid to hear his answer. Please don't let me hear his answer. I was nearly at the top of the stairs when I heard it.

"Of course I do."

If my hands were free, I would have covered my ears. I continued up, humming softly, until I was out of hearing range. I passed my room and entered Edward's. I rested what was left of my snack on his desk and sat in the chair. Marriage? Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore, but I did feel sick. I ran to the toilet and heaved and heaved but nothing came up. I lingered over the toilet a little longer sure that something was there, but still nothing, not even anymore dry-heaves. I rinsed my mouth anyway and exited the bathroom just as Edward entered his room.

"Hey," he said. "I looked for you in your room, but you weren't there."

"I'm in here," I said.

"I can see that." He gave me a half-smile and I wanted to kiss it, but I couldn't move.

"How was your interview?"

"Well, my dad being my dad practically guarantees me the job. It wasn't even a formal interview. They basically just showed me around pediatrics and introduced me to my responsibilities." He sat down on the edge of his bed and I stood right where I was, just outside the bathroom door. "I'll just be filing and organizing and updating forms. I hate to say it, but it's a little bit emasculating, only because I'll be working with a bunch of women and they're already giving me a hard time."

"By hard time do you mean flirting with you relentlessly?"

He laughed, but didn't answer. "They'll work around my schedule and it pays more than minimum wage, so I can't really complain."

"Congratulations."

"Bella, is something wrong?"

"Why?"

"You haven't moved at all."

I very nearly told him nothing was wrong, but instead I blurted out what had been on the tip of my tongue for fifteen minutes too long. "We can't get married."

"What?…You…heard us." He dropped his head into his hands, his fingers fanning through his hair. I couldn't see his face.

"Just a little. It was an accident and I left as fast as I could."

"So, we can't get married?"

"I mean not right now. I can't marry you just because I'm pregnant."

"You are aware that I didn't ask you, aren't you?" He looked up and I could see his face now; it was red. I'd seen him look at Mike this way, and Jessica, and Emmett. He looked angry.

But his comment made me feel stupid. "I'm not an idiot, Edward."

"I didn't say you were, but do you have any idea what it feels like to be rejected when I haven't even proposed yet? Obviously you didn't hear me tell my dad that I would ask you when it was right for us and not because of his or anyone else's expectations."

"No. I told you, I stopped listening."

"But anyway, what if I wanted to marry you?" He stood up but didn't move toward me. "What if I wanted to ask you to marry me, right now? Would you say no? Really? We are planning on spending the rest of our lives together aren't we? I thought…but maybe you--"

"Yes, I want to spend my life with you."

"Well, that does mean eventual marriage. So why should it matter when we do it?"

I was still stuck in my spot, like there was glue on the bottom of my shoes. My kindergarten teacher would have been proud. She used to tell us to pretend we had glue on our shoes when she didn't want us to move. And, much like a kindergartner, my hands couldn't be still. I had no idea what to do with them so I played with my fingers. "I don't feel right about rushing into it just because of our situation," I said, and the more I thought about it the more panicked I became and the louder my voice rose. "Besides, we're living with your parents. We have no home of our own, no money of our own and we have another year of high school. How can we possibly get married?! It's not right to do it just because of the baby! I don't want that."

"You're upset. I'm going for a run and we'll talk about this later." He stood up and started for the door.

"Don't tell me how I'm feeling or end the conversation just because it isn't going your way."

"Bella! God! I'm just trying to avoid an argument. I'm not ending it, just postponing it until we're both calm. Do you hear us? We are arguing about getting married! There's no point to it."

"I told you, I'm not an idiot. And why is there no point? I'm tired of your narrow-sighted, full of perspective attitude. There are other perspectives. Back away from yourself for a minute."

"Back away from myself?" He stepped toward me and his voice quieted. "Everything I've done has been for you, for us--"

"Oh no, that's not what I meant." I moved for the first time to pick up his hand. It was limp in mine. His fingers didn't grab hold of mine like they normally would. "I didn't mean that. I just meant…"

"What did you mean?" His voice lacked inflection. He pulled his hand from mine and let it drop to his side. My hand was too empty. I wanted to reach for him again, but didn't--afraid he would pull away.

"Edward don't think that, okay? Please don't think that. I know the sacrifices you've made for me--everything you've done. I don't know what I would do without you. I'd probably be in a mental ward right now. I know I would be. God, after that breakdown at school, if it weren't for you, who knows where I'd be right now. You do everything right. I don't know how you do it. You know what I want and you give it to me. I'm just afraid that you're so determined to do the right thing that you're ignoring what you want and you're going to regret it all eventually. When I said 'back away from yourself,' I meant just listen to me, don't try to figure me out, just listen."

"I'm listening." He returned to the edge of his bed and folded his arms. I wanted to touch his face--soften the harsh look in his eyes, but still, I couldn't.

"I can't marry you right now and I can't be without you either. It makes absolutely no sense. I can't explain it."

"Try, Bella."

"It's just…I'm afraid of trapping you. You're young, you're so smart, you have ambition. You had a whole future ahead of you before me, and I know that didn't include marrying your girlfriend before you're even eighteen. I'm not going to put you in a cage."

"Bella, you have been much more than simply my girlfriend since the day I told you I loved you. And I have never once felt like I was in a cage!"

"But you might, someday. I just need to know you're sure. You invited me to move in with your family because that was our only option. At the time, it was either this or Florida. And I wanted this so much that I didn't even stop to really think about it until I was already moved in. If my parents hadn't decided to whisk me off to Florida, would I be here now or would I still be with my dad? You were cornered into bringing me here. It was a quick decision, a desperate decision. There was no other alternative. I won't trap you like that in marriage. I want to marry you the right way. Not out of obligation."

He stared at me for a little while. He gave me that intense stare of his, but this time it was different. His eyes were tight and they weren't focused on me, they were focused on his thoughts. He shook his head at me. "Don't you trust that I know myself at all? Stop telling me I'm trapped!" He stood up again and pointed at the ground. "I am exactly where I want to be. I want you here with me. It's not out of obligation or desperation. There are always other options, but I chose this one. Because you are what I want. I am never going to wake up someday and feel any different. This isn't a dream. This is real. You keep reminding me about the sacrifices I've made, but I am not the only one sacrificing. You have sacrificed far more. You left your family, moved out of your home, and soon you won't even be in school anymore! Why is it fine for you to give up everything, and when I give up just a few things, you assume I don't know what I'm doing?"

"I never thought of any of those things as sacrifices," I said. "They were all just things I had to do."

"Exactly. I want you. I want our baby. I will do whatever it takes for both of you. Anything. Success, money, even life, it's all useless without you. I will marry you someday. When you're ready. But Bella, you're going to have to tell me when that is because I couldn't stand it if I asked you and you rejected me. As strong as you think I am, I am not that strong."

I knew my limits and he knew his. We might have the longest engagement in history, but I would never tell him no.

He was heading for the door. He was leaving. "Edward," I said. "I won't reject you." He stopped but didn't turn around. "I will never reject you. If you asked me today, I would say yes." He nodded his head before continuing out the door. He left me in his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. For the first time since we kissed on Homecoming night, he left without touching me. And I longed for his touch. The last of his skin I'd felt on mine was him pulling his hand away from me. It had been in my grasp for only a second and then it was gone, by choice. And so was he.

I didn't crave pickles with peanut butter or carrots and cream. What I craved was Edward's touch, and I wasn't even sure if he was still here. I searched for him throughout the house. In the kitchen I asked Esme if she'd seen him. She said she thought he was with me and told me dinner would be ready soon. I may not have answered her. And I know I didn't offer to help. I kept looking for Edward. I thought maybe he went for a run, after all. Maybe he wasn't that far yet. I grabbed my coat to try to follow him but outside his car was gone. I stared at the empty space in the driveway. And then I walked.

I walked into the woods. The sun was setting turning the overcast sky pink. Spring was here and everything was even greener than usual. Moss was growing up trees and draping over branches. It only enhanced my craving of Edward's touch. I thought of running back to the Cullens' to call him: Come back. Hug me like the moss hugs the trees, I'd say. I didn't, though. I would honor his need for space, just like he had honored mine. I just kept wandering until I tripped over a shallow tree root and knocked my leg into the trunk. I remembered my clumsy self and it was getting dark so I limped back rubbing my knee through my jeans. I felt a small hole.

Inside, Carlisle called from the kitchen, "Bella? Is that you?" I went to the kitchen where he and Esme were just sitting down to dinner.

"Join us," Esme said.

"Oh, no thank you, Esme, I'm not hungry. Carlisle, Edward and I had sort of…a fight." I cringed. I didn't like saying those words out loud. "I'd like to wait for him in his room. I won't spend the night there, I just want to wait for him. I'll leave as soon as he gets back."

"Please, Bella, I understand."

"You need to eat," Esme said, already fixing me a plate. "Take some dinner up with you." She cut up my steak for me into little squares like I was one of her fourth graders. I had to take it.

Upstairs I ate what I could at Edward's desk. The partial cookie snack from earlier was still there, the milk curdling by now. I felt bad for dirtying up Edward's room like this, but I wasn't leaving again. I rinsed the glass out in his bathroom sink though, because that was just gross. I brushed my teeth in his bathroom with his toothbrush. I thought, if we can share tongues we can share toothbrushes. Still, I washed his toothbrush under hot water for him. It burned my hand.

Stripping down to my bra and panties, I crawled into his bed. It was as close as I could get to him. I grabbed his pillow and inhaled him, then closed my eyes so I could dream about Edward. If he wasn't physically here at least he could be in my dreams. Of course, I didn't dream.

I awoke to goose bumps racing down my arms. Edward was kissing the back of my neck. It made me shiver and smile. "Edward."

"How did you know it was me?"

I turned on my back to look at him but it was too dark to see anything. I reached up and felt his face. Yes, he really was there. He was on top of the comforter leaning over me. "You were kissing me."

"I know. You're in my bed. How could I resist?"

"But you were mad."

"Not mad--upset, frustrated, but never mad."

"What time is it?"

"After midnight."

"Where did you go for so long?"

"I went to talk to Jasper."

"Oh, that's why you're happy," I said. "You took the Jasper drug." He kissed my nose.

"I'm happy because I'm with you."

"What did Jasper say?"

"He said you made a good point about the whole living arrangement and money dependency thing. Don't worry Bella, I'm not going to pressure you into marrying me. I wouldn't do that. I mean, I kind of did that earlier, but it was only out of fear of rejection. I would never seriously do that. We're not getting married yet but we're not going to be apart either."

"Perfect," I said reaching up for him. He lowered himself into my arms. "There you are," I said, finally feeling him. I tugged at the hem of his shirt and he got my hint and took it off. "No, there you are." I ran my fingers over his chest. "Get in," I said pushing back the covers.

"Bella, never lie in my bed without any clothes and not tell me. I could have been in there with you this whole time."

"I needed to feel you and this was as close as I could get."

He removed his pants, climbed under the covers and wrapped me up, "Feel me," he said. And I did. And as usual, he felt like home. Edward was my home, not the Cullens' house or my dad's house, just Edward. I sighed. "Edward, will you promise me something?."

"Anything." How easily he said that after I had been so hurtful earlier.

"Promise me you will never leave again without touching me first. Even if you just squeeze my hand. It doesn't matter. Just please don't leave without touching me."

"Did I do that?"

"Yeah, earlier. You didn't touch me, not once. It scared me. It hurt my heart."

He backed away to look at me. But he couldn't see me so he reached over and turned on his lamp. Then he gave me his eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize--"

"It's okay. Just promise."

"I do. I promise." He put his hand over my heart and just felt. "I will try so hard not to hurt your heart again." Then he moved his hand and replaced it with kisses. I felt something wet on my chest. Wetter than a tongue. I lifted his head and saw tears.

"What is it?"

"It's just today. I can't stand what happened to us today. And then, now, the thought of you loving me so much you are hurt because I didn't touch you. That feels…I can't even explain how that feels. And I never want to hurt you. Even if it's simply due to non-touching."

"I do love you that much. I didn't tell you that to make you feel bad. Please don't feel bad. It's just that I was scared, the way you left. And after everything I said. I'm sorry, Edward. I shouldn't have pushed my fears off on you. If you say that this is what you want, I believe you. I will make you a promise, too. I will put my fears to rest. I will trust your decisions. I trust you. I just hope that what I said about marriage didn't make you doubt my love."

"I don't doubt it," he said. "I feel it. Let me give some back.." Then his lips were on mine. He made up for not touching me earlier by touching me everywhere with his lips. He stopped on his return up my leg when his lips landed on the inside of my knee and I flinched.

"What's this?" He licked. "Blood?"

"I fell earlier." My voice, so quiet, I'm not sure how he heard me.

"When?"

"I couldn't find you and went for a walk."

He kissed it and kept kissing, moving slowly up my leg.

"Wait…"

"What?" He didn't wait. He moved his lips and tongue higher up the inside of my thigh.

"I Promised…um…um…Carlisle…" My eyes closed on their own and my voice stopped working.

"Promised what?" He smiled against my thigh, lifting my leg over his shoulder, grazing his lips higher still. Fingertips followed his trail of kisses.

"I…would…um…Edward!" I whisper-yelled when he licked all the way up the crease of my inner thigh to my hipbone. I lifted his face so he would stop and I could talk. But then his face was so close to mine and I saw his eyes, wet now, not with tears, but desire and I couldn't say anything. I pulled his face hard to my lips, both of us giving ourselves to the other. Warm tongues, hot breaths.

He was the one who broke the kiss. "What were you trying to say?" His voice was deep and groggy like he'd just awakened from a long nap.

My voice came out in whispers. "Carlisle…I promised him I would leave your room as soon as you got back."

"You did?" I nodded, my mind beginning to rationalize getting married at seventeen. Married people share a bed and don't have to sneak around in the middle of the night. "Well, I have an easy solution for that," he said . "We'll go to your room. I didn't make any such promise."

He carried me to my room as if my legs didn't work, but that was okay because I could wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him the whole way there. He would have to leave before morning, but for now, he would be mine, in my bed.

Before he set me down, he kissed the base of my throat and whispered, "This is my favorite part of your body." Then he placed me on the bed, removed my bra and kissed along my collar bone, down my chest and over my breasts, holding me at my side to bring me closer…deeper into his mouth. "No, this is my favorite part of your body." He continued his kisses down the center of my stomach getting a deep breath from me and I was on my back across my bed. He kissed lower still, until my back arched and his hands held my waist, curving me further. "This is my favorite body."

He pulled my panties off and pushed my knees apart, his fingers trailing the inside of my thighs. "Edward…"

"Shh," he reminded me with his breath between my legs. In here, we were closer to his parents' room. I put a hand over my mouth because it was the only way I could keep quiet when he was doing this to me. His fingers, his tongue. Whimpers and moans were inevitable, but at least with my hand over my mouth I could stifle them some. I reached down to grab his shoulder, trying to hold onto my control, but I was losing myself; the stifling became harder. And his tongue. And his fingers. My neck was arched all the way back, and my hand was pressed so hard against my mouth it almost hurt, and still I couldn't stop the noises coming from my throat as they were pushed up from my stomach with nowhere to go. I wanted to shout his name, but I couldn't. And then before I had completely finished, he was inside of me, his chest on mine and it started all over again. And it was current after current of electricity…current after current. And I was afraid it wouldn't stop. Afraid because I wasn't allowed to make a sound and that was near impossible. I moved my hand because I had to say his name. It didn't matter anymore.

"Edward…" And then he was whimpering, too and trying to hold in his moans, and neither of us were doing a very good job of that. And then he collapsed on top of me and we were both panting and he was heavy and I loved it. I loved his weight on me and I pulled him closer.

"How did you do that?" I whispered.

"Do what, Bella?"

I felt my insides stir again when he breathed my name like that against my neck. "Make it last so long? It kept going."

He smiled at me and touched a finger to my lips. "I love you, that's how," he whispered. "Are you happy now?"

"Yes."

"Good. I don't like arguing with you."

"Neither do I."

"But I like making up with you."

"So do I." And he kissed me and his tongue was deep in my mouth.

I pushed against him, still kissing him, until he was on his back, and I held him as close as I could, my chest right on his, my face in his neck. "I don't want you to go to your room. Do you have to go?"

"No."

I lifted my head. "No?"

He answered me with a kiss.

"But you do have to go."

"I know."

"Because of your dad."

"Because of my dad."

"But not yet?"

"Not yet, love."

I gave him another kiss then rested my head against his shoulder. His arms held me close against him. And for now, I was home.


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