Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just an uninvited guest swimming in her pool.
The Path We Chose
CHAPTER 20: Inside Out
Out went Rosalie, in swept Esme with too many bags of groceries in her arms. I tried to take one, but she wouldn't let me. I saw a loaf of bread peeking out from the top of one, so I grabbed that. I had to carry something. She said we were having prime rib and twice baked potatoes. I couldn't help with the meat because the smell and the sight were testing my gag reflexes to the limit. At first, I didn't want Esme to know, afraid of hurting her feelings, so I just offered to do the potatoes. It became obvious to her, anyway, when I worked on the opposite end of the kitchen, holding my breath and avoiding the slightest glance in her direction. She laughed. "Bella, you don't have to. I understand."
"I'm fine," I choked out. "It's just the meat. It's all pink and it smells weird."
She leaned down to smell it. That's what did it. Too much saliva filled my mouth. I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom where I heaved and heaved and nothing came up. Nothing. No relief. Not again. I lay there on the floor, on the plush blue bath rug, just me and my nausea. I felt hands lifting me to my feet. "Let's get you to bed," Esme said. "If you feel like eating later, I'll send Edward up with food."
I tried to focus on Edward instead of the other stuff she said, like eating and food, but I couldn't. I broke from her grasp and headed for the toilet again. Esme held my hair back needlessly, because, once again, nothing came out of me except frustrated tears. I bent over the toilet for as long as I could stand it, just willing something to come up. Relieve my stomach. A couple of tears plopped into the toilet and I watched the lucky little things make their water rings.
"Come on," Esme said, petting my hair. I let her guide me upstairs to my bed and I lay down on top of the comforter, fully dressed. I hadn't even noticed she left the room until she returned with a glass of water. I didn't drink it. "Let me know if you need anything else." She kissed my cheek just like she was my mom. I wished she was. For just a minute, I wished she was. I closed my eyes trying to think of happier times with my real mom. I must have fallen asleep counting kind times with mother, because the next thing I felt was another kiss on my cheek, different lips.
"How are you feeling?" Edward asked. I didn't open my eyes, I just reached blindly for his hand. I don't know if I found it or if he gave it to me. Then I pulled him so he was lying behind me. I wrapped his arm over my body. He probably would have done it anyway, but I made sure of it. His lips were in my hair, kissing. I opened my eyes. The room was dark.
My voice was groggy. "In Phoenix, I got a 'C' on an English paper in Junior High. Did you know that? Me? A 'C' on an English paper. The assignment was to write a satire. Have you ever seen that painting with the poker playing dogs? I saw it and it prompted me to write a satire on dogs running the government."
"But you're afraid of dogs."
"Well, the government scares me, too, at times. Anyway, I was likely the only kid in class to actually go to the library and research my subject. My teacher didn't get it. You know what my mom did? She called my teacher and explained it to her. My teacher, I don't even remember her name…Mrs…Mrs. Furlong or Fleming or something, she agreed to read it again. She changed my grade to a 'B'. I thought I deserved an 'A' but she couldn't admit she was that wrong, I guess." I turned around to look at him. I kissed his lips.
"The next year, freshman year, this boy, Demetri, my lab partner, had a crush on me. Unrequited feelings. He stole my science notebook the day before it was due and ran and hid it. He wouldn't give it back. I couldn't get a grade without it. It had everything in there--my work for the entire semester. My mom called his mom. I heard her yell at the other mom about how hard I work at school about how much my grades mean to me. The next day, Demetri gave it back. He didn't hand it to me though. He set it on the ground by my locker where I would find it. He wouldn't talk to me anymore, or even look at me. My mom. She didn't have to do that. I could have stuck up for myself if I wanted to. She was there, helping me through trivial stuff. At least in retrospect it seems trivial. But now, when I need my mom, she's not here. She doesn't even want to be." Edward didn't say anything at all. He just let me babble. He didn't even interrupt with an uh-huh, to let me know he was listening. I already knew he was. I kissed him again. "How was work?" I asked, and the question made me feel old.
"Fine." He cleared his throat. "Do you want to talk about your mom some more?"
"No."
He tucked my head between his shoulder and his neck and played with the ends of my hair. "I'm sorry. I wish I could help. Maybe if I talked to her."
I shook my head. "Please don't. It would probably just…make things worse."
"Okay, I won't." He kissed my lips, then. It was a long, slow kiss. The kind of kiss that said, feel better. His kisses could always speak to me that way. We were both on our sides and he held me tight at my waist. I felt his stomach against mine. And he kept kissing me and I did feel better.
I held his face as I pulled away. "Did you eat?"
"No, I came right up to you as soon as my mom said you weren't feeling well. Are you hungry?"
"Not even a little bit." I shook my head and brought a hand to my stomach. "You should eat, though."
"If you're not eating, I'm not eating."
"You don't have to punish yourself for me."
"I'm not, Bella. Punishment would be being wherever you're not. Right now you're here and this is where I need to be."
"I know what you mean," I said and kissed him again. "Rosalie came over today," I said and got up, leading him to my closet, introducing him to my new maternity wardrobe. He held some of the dresses up, unbelieving that they would ever fit me.
"You're finally getting glimpses of the real Rosalie," he said.
"She sure does a good job of hiding herself." I sat on the edge of my bed and invited Edward to sit by patting a spot beside me. "She loves you a lot, though. Why? I mean, I've never seen you two hang out."
"No, we haven't really hung out since…you. But it's not your fault, Bella." He kissed the side of my head. "It's Rosalie's, if anyone's. She kept warning me that you were going to rip my heart like…well, I knew she was wrong, so I couldn't be around her when she talked about you like that. I didn't want to lose it on her, you know?"
I nodded.
"Rosalie and I have known each other since we were seven. Our parents are friends. But she always went to private schools. She transferred to Forks High freshman year. She was new and she was…you've seen her. She couldn't walk down the hall without being hit on or literally having her ass smacked. You'll never see anything like that now because of Emmett. Most guys won't even talk to her, now. Back then, she told me that I was the only guy she could trust because I didn't look at her like I wanted to eat her. I started walking her to all of her classes and she noticed that I was kind of in a similar boat. It wasn't near the same, though…she had it worse. I mean the girls, they'd grab me and whatever, but they didn't scare me. Rosalie was scared. We sort of became each other's protector. Then when she finally gave in to Emmett's advances, she didn't need me anymore. With Emmett, she grew this, I don't know, strength, I hadn't seen in her before. She continued in her protection of me, though, and with her newer confidence, her defense was stronger…she was like a cat, hissing at the girls." He laughed. "I guess it was just hard for her to break away from it. She was so used to hating any girl that talked to me."
"You know. You're strange for a guy. I thought guys liked when pretty girls were all over them."
"I blame my dad. He always taught me to be respectful to women. He taught me to treat girls like I would want my mother to be treated. So, yeah, I grew up caring."
"Tell me about Angela."
"Angela?" He sounded surprised and confused at the same time.
"Rosalie," was all I needed to say and then he nodded.
He hooked his fingers through mine. "We got to know each other really well last year. We had a lot of the same classes and studied together. I thought she was one girl that I could, you know, like," he shrugged and looked down. He looked shy. It made me smile. I'd never seen shy Edward. "We kissed once, but I didn't really feel anything. Apparently she did. I tried to feel something for her, so I kissed her a few more times, but it wasn't right. I wished I felt something so she wouldn't be so hurt or embarrassed. She was, though, and avoided me the next day. I let her. I thought she would get over it, but she didn't. I should have talked to her about it instead of letting her just avoid me. She was a good friend. And then Jessica and Lauren, they wouldn't let it go. I already felt horrible for hurting Angela, but those two wouldn't let either of us forget about it until Angela started dating Ben and he told them to stop."
"What about Jessica and Lauren? Did anything ever happen…with them?" I squeezed my eyes, wishing I could take the question back.
"No way. I would never willingly put that shit in my mouth." He started to stand up but I laughed and pulled him back down, resting my head against his shoulder. I was proud of him.
"You have really good taste," I said.
"I know." His arm came around me, his hand holding my shoulder, his head against my head. I slipped both my arms around him, hugging his waist. I didn't ask him who else he had been with or dated. Maybe I knew them, maybe I didn't. But it wouldn't do me any good knowing who they were. Across from us was our growing collection of baby ultrasound pictures taped to the wall. We had two so far and we'd be adding to it again next week. "Do you want to find out our baby's sex?" He asked.
"No, do you?"
"No. It doesn't matter." We sat there, leaning against each other just gazing at our tiny baby. We just sat there. And that was when it happened. Right when I was feeling completely relaxed against Edward, everything decided to finally come up.
I barely made it across the hall and to the bathroom in time. Edward pulled my hair back while I vomited and vomited and vomited until there was nothing left inside me. He rubbed my back with his free hand and said, "Bella," a few times. "Bella. Bella."
My stomach hurt from all the heaving, and my throat was dry from all the emptying, and my legs were weak from all the bending, and still I laughed with relief that it was all finally out. I laughed while I rinsed my mouth, and between gulps of the glass of water Esme had left for me earlier. I laughed while brushing my teeth, too (until that made me gag).
"You're crazy," Edward said unable to stifle his own little laugh. Apparently mine was contagious. He ran a bath for me even though I was perfectly capable of reaching out and turning the knob myself. But he liked taking care of pregnant me, and I liked it, too. He helped me out of my clothes and kissed my naked parts as they were exposed but I pushed him away because he was turning me on and I had just vomited in front of him and that was gross. "What?" he asked.
"I'm yucky."
"You could never be yucky."
And then I had to laugh again because he'd just said "yucky."
He bent down and kissed my stomach. I watched him and when he pulled away, I noticed my belly was slightly rounder. I touched it. It looked and felt like I was bloated or full from a big meal, but I couldn't be; I'd just emptied myself. I smiled at Edward. "My tummy."
"What about it?"
"It's bigger."
He looked down. "It is?" He ran a hand over it. He didn't notice, but I did and just like when I'd first heard baby's heartbeat, it felt real. More real than when I vomited or had weird food cravings.
My smile grew wider as I sank into the tub. He brought me a towel, a wash cloth, and a book. He lit some candles for me and told me to relax before he reached for the doorknob.
"Stay," I said. And he did.
I handed him my book. "Read," I said. And he did.
A couple of weeks, and a few more vomiting experiences later, something was seriously wrong at lunch. Emmett and Rosalie were on top of each other as usual--so that was fine. But Alice and Jasper were far apart. Neither of them smiling. Alice always gave me a smile when she saw me, but not today.
Seeing them like this was eerie. It made me squeeze Edward's hand. "Hey," I said, hoping they were just dazed and would snap out of it.
"Hi," Alice said.
I sat down across from her. "Is something wrong?"
She'd gained the attention of all of us now. We were all looking at her--except Jasper. He stared straight ahead. "Nope. If something were wrong, I would know, wouldn't I?"
"Um, I guess so. Jasper? Are you okay?"
He looked at me and gave me one nod. I turned to Edward and he was frowning.
"Yeah," Emmett said. "Something's up with you two."
"Emmett!" Alice shouted. "Stop it. We're not talking about it. Are we Jasper?"
That was the first time Alice had even glanced in Jasper's direction but he wasn't looking at her at all. She got up, grabbed her backpack, left her tray and headed for the doors. I saw Jasper move in a slight attempt to go after her but he stopped himself. I looked over at Rosalie and we both followed Alice outside. Edward squeezed my fingers before I left and I glanced back at him to see his half-smile. I gave him as much of a smile as I could muster.
Rosalie and I didn't have to say anything to Alice. She started the talking.
"I know you guys are going to ask me what's wrong and you're not going to drop it. I know you two. So I'm going to tell you once and then you can't ask me any more questions or talk to me about it because I am NOT going to cry at school again." I didn't think I had to tell her that she was already crying. She wiped her tears herself and she didn't talk for several minutes. None of us did. Alice sat down on a low brick wall encasing a flower bed, the American flag waving high over the middle. "Jasper's parents are divorcing. His dad pushed his mom. He didn't hurt her, but he did do it. Jasper said they used to be the most 'in love' couple he'd ever known. Like…us." She brought a hand to her chest. "I think. I think…he's going to break up with me." It came out in a whisper and the only reason I heard it was because I expected it.
All I could do was stare at her. What could I do for her? I thought about if this were me. If I feared Edward was breaking up with me. My heart sped up and my palms started to sweat at the mere thought. "Alice," was the only word I could get out.
Rosalie sat next to her and brought Alice's head to her shoulder, petting her hair. "I'm sure he's not going to break up with you," she said. How did Rosalie know what to do? She was the least affectionate person I knew. I realized then that she could be affectionate if she was the initiator and in control of how far the affection grew.
"He won't talk to me, Rose. He's never not talked to me. I mean he won't talk about anything at all. Do you know I saw him throw a plastic bottle in the trash? He didn't recycle! When I reminded him, he shrugged his shoulders."
"Alice," I said again and reached for her hand. Why couldn't I say anything else? Because I'd never been in a position like hers before. Edward was my one. No one had ever broken up with me. But Jasper was her one, too. The wind blew through my hair at that moment like it was trying to knock some sense into me. "Jasper loves you too much to let you go."
"I know, Bella. He loves me too much. That's what he said. That's the last thing he said to me."
And what do you say to that? I looked at Rosalie, who seemed also at a loss for words. All I could do was join them on the low brick wall and hug Alice along with Rosalie. She didn't want to talk about it anymore, anyway. The three of us hugged and waited for the bell to ring. I didn't walk to Health with Edward that day. I walked with Alice. Edward was waiting for me at his desk and Jasper wasn't in class at all. I checked Alice--made sure she wasn't going to cry. Her face was blank as she took her seat.
I went over to Edward, pushed my chair next to his and leaned against him. His arm came around me and I put a hand on his stomach. I needed to feel him close. Mrs. Hines started class by putting on another video. I had no idea what it was about this time because I looked up at Edward and he looked down at me and we started kissing. As good as it felt to kiss him, I made myself pull away because I didn't want Alice to see us. Not in the state she was in. She was staring down at her desk, though, watching her finger rub along each fingernail one at a time.
"Bella?" Edward whispered right in my ear, bringing goose bumps up and down my arm.
"Hmm?"
"Your hand is under my shirt and as amazing as it feels, your fingers are doing things to me that I cannot control." He shifted in his seat.
My hand was on Edward's stomach, under his shirt and I hadn't even been aware of it. I'd wanted to feel close to him so badly that I was unconsciously touching his bare skin. I pulled my hand out from his shirt. "Sorry."
"Never apologize for that." He kissed my temple, let his lips linger and I closed my eyes. With my eyes closed, I smelled it.
What was that smell? Bleach? No, Lysol. I gagged and brought a hand to my mouth. Gagged again. I got up, walked as fast as I could to the door without a word to the teacher and once I was in the hallway, I ran toward the nearest bathroom. I didn't even bother locking the stall, I just let it all out. Once this started, apparently, it didn't stop. Especially when you're me and you're throwing up in a public toilet. That thought made it worse and I vomited all over again. I closed my eyes, trying hard not to think about where I was and what was happening. I reached out and felt around for the knob to flush. When I heard the last of the water leave the toilet, I opened my eyes again. I waited until I was sure nothing more was coming and then went to rinse my mouth. But Jessica was there. What the hell…did she follow me? I pushed by her and turned on the faucet.
"I didn't follow you Bella," she said as though she'd heard my thoughts. "Mrs. Hines told me to come after you. It's not like I wanted to. Do you think I want the stomach flu right now?" She checked herself in the mirror, smoothed her eyeliner.
"Jessica," I said, my eyes still watering. "Do you have any mints?" I reminded myself then to keep mints in my backpack and a toothbrush and toothpaste.
She pulled a tin of mints out of her backpack and plopped two into my hand, careful not to touch me. I put them both in my mouth at the same time but they were so strong they made me gag again. I spit one out into my hand and shut my eyes, willing myself not to throw up again.
"Do you need to see the nurse?"
"Maybe. But don't worry about it. Go back to class."
I followed her out of the bathroom and Edward was right there. He pulled on my arm until I was against his chest.
"She's going to give you her flu," Jessica said.
"She can give me anything she wants," he said and kissed my head. I watched Jessica leave. Edward tried to kiss my lips but I wouldn't let him. "Bella, you just got sick because of my baby. At least let me kiss you."
I covered my mouth and shook my head. He pulled my hand away. "Please?"
"Okay, but closed mouth only." I pursed my lips and reached up to him but that sneaky boyfriend of mine let his tongue drift over my closed lips. My tongue automatically sought his until I stopped it.
"You cheated."
He just smiled at me. "Feeling okay now?"
I nodded.
"Do you need to go home? I can take you home."
"No. I don't want you to miss your last class. I only have PE. I'll sit out."
He asked me if I was sure and I said I was. "Edward, did you talk to Jasper?"
"I tried. He wouldn't talk. Emmett tried, too. He brought up that homeless shelter that's shutting down in Port Angeles. Jasper still wouldn't talk. Something is up with him."
I explained what Alice had told me, including Jasper loving her too much.
"Do you think we should do something or stay out of it?"
"I don't know," he said. "If it was us, Jasper would definitely do something."
I nodded. He already had done something. Lots of things for us. "But if he needs space…what if we make it worse?"
"You invite Alice over and I'll invite Jasper and we'll just see what happens."
I nodded. And then, instead of returning to Health class, we stood in the hall holding on to each other like our relationship was the one in jeopardy.
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So, I know some of you have been waiting for the showing tummy. It is just beginning. Are you happy, now?! ;)
