Chapter 4
Just saying, I called it. Didn't i? Harvey running much?
I thought I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence
...
Crap! Was all she could think after that kiss. Just crap! It didn't go as she had planned. He didn't run after her after she exited the room. Like she had hoped. Maybe he needed to time to find out too. Process maybe.
He hadn't got down on his knee o declare his undying love for her, like she had dreamed. Maybe tomorrow. After he had processed this to realized what he had to know in his heart for a long time now. He will go back and tell Paula that he had made a mistake and he would come running back to her.
Maybe tonight when she was fast asleep she would hear a drunken knock on her door and realise that it was him at last. After fighting with his demons, drinking himself drunk because of course Harvey would have to struggle with admitting his feelings for her at least a bit.
Then he would lose the battle and find himself knocking on her door at 2am. And she would get up from her deep sleep to go and open the door for him. Well, maybe it wouldn't be such a deep sleep. Considering she didn't think she was going to get any sleep tonight after what just happened. What she had just done. She had smacked down crossed the line. Blurred or not. The aftermath was the deciding factor now. Harvey could either take the bait or run. Which would he choose.
She didn't know. But she had hope. And she left awake that night, with one ear tuned to the front door. Hear anxiously listening, waiting.
The knock never came. But a girl could dream.
Now it was time to get up and go to work. Face the tiger. Yey.
She really wasn't so proud of her never getting sick record right now. She wanted to sleep in today. This was the time when a cold could really come in handy.
…
He didn't know how he had got his legs to move from that office, but h did. Louis had said something to him on the passage to the elevator, and he had answered him. He didn't remember what it was or what he had managed to answer or how. But it seemed Louis was satisfied with his answer. Well, he had paused and asked if he was ok. Ok? Will he ever be ok again. He was going to do something about it or so God help him.
He walked to his apartment, his mind miles away. And what did he see?
Paula sitting on his couch, waiting for him. The horror.
Well, yeah, his backup plan had always been Paula, but not right now. Right now, he needed time to process what just happened. The kiss.
He needed to get his heart, his mind, his soul and his body to function normally before he had to kiss another woman. Any other woman.
He was shocked to see her, and winded and he did maybe manage to keep his shock and odd behavior at a minimal. Because when Paula asked him if it had all gone well with Donna, he may have stared at her like she had sprouted new ears on her head but when he realized that she was only talking about the case, he managed to mumble an answer. Coherent, he would like to believe.
His heart was doing a topsy tuvy dance, his mind was in the wind and he was barely managing to breathe. And it was not because he was happy to see Paula. No sir, it wasn't.
Then she stood up, all smiling and walked towards him with the intention of kissing him.
He didn't want her to do that. Lord please don't let her do that.
Then she came into his arms and puckered up for a kiss. He didn't know what else to do. He felt like he was cheating. And not on Paula. No.
He didn't want to ruin the kiss he just had in the office just less than an hour ago.
But what was going to do? He was a gentleman, so he dipped his head, so he could merge his lips with hers. And he didn't feel anything. Not what he was supposed to feel kissing his girlfriend. Not what he had felt kissing Donna. It was different. And he had never hated Donna more at that moment. She had completely ruined everything. She had rocked the boat. And that was unacceptable.
He was not ready to deal with this shit. He would never be ready to deal with it.
"Move in with me." He found himself saying to Paula. This was his last saving grace. His last strategy at survival against the onslaught of emotion threaten to engulf him ever since Donna kissed him in that office. And the bitch of it was, she didn't even give him a warning. Maybe he could have shielded himself somehow, if she had warned him about. 'Hey Harvey, I'm about to kiss you now. Take cover.' Something like that.
He felt like a man drowning at sea and Paula was like his raft, his very last life line. Moving in with her would be the most reasonable way to escape. He could make it permanent too, but it would seem weird if he suddenly got on one knee here and proposed marriage.
So, casually and abruptly proposing moving in together would hopefully not be too suspicious. After all, she had a key. Which she was only too happy to use, since she had just let herself into his house at the worst possible time.
But now she was stuttering at his proposal as if he had said let's go take a scuba dive or something. So even this was weird. She had reasonably refused. Great.
For someone who had just proposed moving in together, he was not in a very romantic mood. And he didn't have the energy to feign it. So, he gave his excuses, said he was exhausted from work. Funny enough, sleep didn't steal him into a deep slumber that night. All thanks to Donna.
….
Walking into the office was like walking into enemy lines on the battle field. She squared her shoulders and got ready to face off with Harvey. It didn't happen, turns out he didn't want to talk about it. Nothing new there.
What hurt the most though was how Harvey seemed to be more concerned about what she had done to his relationship with Paula than anything to do with their feelings towards each other. Now she knew. The kiss had not told her anything she didn't know already. What she knew now, what she got to find out because of her reckless impulsive behavior, because of his reaction to it, was that she and Harvey were never going to go over that line again.
She had tried to apologize over and over but he didn't want to hear it.
'Nothing short of you saying that it would never happen again Donna.'
'Ok. It will never happen again.'
Still he remained unreasonable. And she had been humiliated, he had all but forced her to confess to it. Declare that their chance together was to never exist. 'Save the best for last' dream was not in the making.
Suffice to say, Harvey. Was. Pissed!
The whole day was a battle back and forth. She would suggest something, he would shut her down, with that permanent scowl on her face. And he didn't want to talk about it.
But when he had shut down their Senior Partner candidate for no reason, and displayed very unprofessional behavior in front of a visitor in that interview, that was the last straw. They had to talk about it, and they will even if she had to force him to do so. She had to make this right. Despite everything, she didn't want to lose him, so she will be the one to bow out. Never again will she put her heart on the line like that.
He called her selfish, a home wrecker and a bitch, in a nut shell. And he clearly said he didn't want more. This time it was clear enough for her.
'Our lines have been blurry from the begging Harvey. I'm the person you call at six in the morning when you need something. We smile, we drink, we flirt."
"That doesn't mean I want more."
And there it was. The answer she was looking for. Time to wrap this up then folks.
'Neither do i. I didn't feel anything when I kissed you Harvey. Whatever I thought was there wasn't."
Ok, so that may have been a bit of an overkill in the lying department, but it had to be done. Rip the band-aid off, sever the arm to save the life. What was important was her relationship with Harvey, as it had always been. If more wasn't what he wanted, then less it was. She would settle for less.
Now, if they were going to keep this charade for the foreseeable future he shouldn't look so hurt when she said she didn't feel anything when she had kissed him. But he had started it, he had hurt her with his words, and with choosing Paula still, wanting to be with Paula and not her. Even though the knowledge that the kiss had affected him, and that he still had not told Paul about their one time, would suggest hope, she was so done with this back and forth. The lines had to be clearly drawn his time, never to be crossed again. Unresolved feelings be damned.
If he wanted Paula then he will have Paula, she'll make sure of that.
And their talk had finally paid off. Well, after a lot of further coercion Harvey had come around. Their friendship was back on track, lines clearer. And they could still hug. Feel anything? Yeah, she was sure that was allowed. Talk about it though? That was an absolute 'No'. Let alone, act on it. Never again. Never again Donna Paulsen.
...
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be
