Chapter 5.
So, did anyone scream wuth the ending of that last episode? i know i did. Darvey shippers, keep the faith.
...
Someone told me but I won't know
That I feel half empty, ripped and torn
They say there'd be plenty other hands to hold
Now I wish they'd told me long ago
Ooh, I don't want this to break you
Ooh, but I've got no one else to talk to-Deep End, Birdy
…..
Things were going ok. She wasn't one to complain after that major disaster with Harvey. The kiss, the freeze out, the fight and then the reconciliation; it had been a crazy week. But now it was getting better. Their friendship was going to take a lot more work than expected but at least they had gotten over the hard part. After that kiss, and Harvey's rejection, it would have seemed insurmountable but now, things were getting back to normal. At least if she willed it, things would be back to normal. Harvey still could not look her in the eye, still spoke to her like she was another employee and not his friend. That was not there anymore, the friendship. It was going to be hard working together under these circumstances, but the other option was unfathomable.
There were no more midnight calls, just to talk, no more flirting and no more drinking together in the office after hours, after a hard day. That was their friendship, their ritual. She wondered if he were to have to go to court one of these days, if he would call her for their ritual, or would he just forgo the whole thing and throw it all in the trash. She had made a mistake, she regretted it now, it put this awkwardness between their easy friendship and now, she was afraid she was going to lose that too. The one time she put herself first, it blew up in her face. Selfishness was never a good thing.
Harvey had declined her offer for a drink the other day, he didn't want to be alone with her anymore. He had shut her down when she offered to talk to Stu on his behalf. He knew she was the best for that, but he was willing to just shut her down. He never used to be like that. If not for Mike who had backed up her idea, Harvey would have ever let her help. She only wanted to do her job, but now he was to keeping things from her. Even work stuff.
He was taking Paula out to dinner with his mother tonight. He neglected to tell her about that too. Back in the day, she would have been the first person he would have gone to with something like this. His girlfriend meeting his mother was a huge deal, his mother whom he had just recently reconciled with. It was amazing how hard he was working to please Paula. To keep his relationship with Paula. He had never let any of his girlfriends meet any members of his family. Not even Scotty. Donna had met his father and his brother, but she had never met his mother. Somehow, she had foolishly thought that she would be the first one to meet her. She had always been the one he introduced his family to. This time it was different though. It was Paula he was introducing to his mother as his girlfriend. That somehow hurt more than any of the other things that had gone on between them. And to think that he didn't value her anymore to the extent of not even telling her of something major like this. His girlfriend meeting his mother was a huge thing. And he was choosing to hide it from her riled. Or maybe he just didn't care if she knew or not. She wasn't that important in his life anymore. One mistake. It had been one mistake. A moment of weakness that she thought she could take for herself for once. She may have lost the one thing that meant anything to her.
No need to be dramatic Donna. Just talk to Stu, get him to buy that company and show Harvey how indispensable you are. Then their friendship will sure be back on the mend.
…
Footprints in the sand remind us that we can just wash away light it turns to dust Leaves because it must evaporate Am I holding on to something that's already gone? Am I holding on to something that's already gone- Heartbeats.
…..
It had been a stressful week but at least his relationship with Paula was back on track. At least it seemed to be getting there. Harvey was determined, and he was not going to let anything, or anyone stand in the way of It. This was the best relationship he had had in a long time. The best. On is terms.
"Twelve years ago, Donna and I slept together." He grimaced thinking about that confession to Paula. The look on her face. It was a combination of shock and realisation, as if she should have guessed it or something. He felt like a heel, like a cheater. "It was twelve years ago." He had tried to explain but anything to do with Donna seemed to threaten her these days.
Now, the issue was had he not told her about this when he had told her about the kiss. Well, maybe he wanted to pace it. Understandably so. Or, talking about that sacred night, to anyone, was still very taboo to him. He had to make himself extremely open to be able to say that to Paula. It felt like he was letting someone else into his and Donna's sacred secrets. It didn't feel right. But he was determined. So, he forged on. If anyone was intruding into anyone's secrets it was Donna, not Paula. Donna was the one who had kissed him, even knowing he was in a relationship.
He sighed again as he remembered how that conversation had gone. Thank God, it had passed. Paula was back with him again, after a few days of fuming and he of convincing and much begging. He was so determined. His heart might be untouchable, but his sincerity showed as he begged Paula to come back to him. Begged her to understand. And he really meant it, with everything that wasn't his heart.
This morning, he had taken it a notch up by making her coffee. Shit! He had put vanilla in it.
He liked her so much he thought he would make it a little bit more special, he was still in the grovelling stage.
"You must have put something extra in it. What is it?" Paula asked him with a smile as she stood looking at him in his kitchen
Should he say it? Should he lie? Did Paula know about the vanilla? Of course, she knew, he had disclosed that in one of his therapy sessions. The special coffee that only Donna ever made, special for him. Not awkward at all. And he could not afford to lie to her again.
"Vanilla." He said. He could see her literally withdraw in realization.
"I told you I wasn't going to lie to you Paula." He said it with all the sincerity in his eyes. God, he was so not ready to grovel again, but if that's what it took, then he'll do it.
Then she relented, and drank the coffee, and Harvey breathed a sigh of relief. It was nice being with Paula, it was tame. And that's how he liked it. He would not mind putting a ring on it right away. He had no doubts, nothing to hold him back. This was it.
Now, when his mother called to say, 'hi', an idea hit him. Why not take a step further into this thing? Lay a foundation to settle down. And his girlfriend meeting his mother was just the thing.
…..
It's all you get, for holding on to something that will never come. Am I holding on to something that will never come-Heartbeats.
…..
Paula sat smiling at Harvey's mom across the table, laughing at the stories his mom told about him as a boy. She could not believe she was having this moment right now. She knew Harvey's issues and to have him take this step to introduce her to his mother, that must have taken a lot from him. It showed her that he was truly ready for this relationship. He was in this 100%. Or at least that's where he was trying to get, and the least she could do was believe him. Believe in his sincerity. God only knew she wanted this so bad. She remembered the last few days; it had been hard, and she didn't think they would be sitting here, having dinner with his mother. As a Therapist, it told of how Harvey had made so much progress with his emotional issues. And she would gladly take credit for most of it. As a woman, it showed how valued she was, maybe even loved. She had a place in Harvey's life and this hinted on something solid, something more permanent. And after the whole kissing Donna thing and the confession to sleeping with her that long time ago, the fight and the hardship she had gone through because of that; this was refreshing. She was happy. It was true, Donna may still love Harvey, hence the kissing and all, but Harvey wasn't on the same page. He was in love with Paula, not Donna.
She was about to breathe with relief when Harvey's mother thanked her and said she was glad to finally meet her.
"No, I meant when you and I mended our fences, you said the only reason you did it was because someone special in your life encouraged you to. Well it's obvious that someone was Paula."
Only she wasn't. It was Donna.
Paula froze, and took her hand off Harvey's as the awkward silence ensured at the table.
"I just put my foot in my mouth, didn't I?" Harvey's mother said, reading into the awkwardness.
"No, it's not your fault, but I think it just so happens that I'm not the special person Harvey was talking about." Paula said, stiffly.
The rest of dinner was horrible. This was so confusing, even for a Therapist. Donna had to go. She just had to go for her to have some piece of mind.
…..
I don't have enough heartbeats left to spare them on somebody Spare them on somebody Who never planned to see the moments pass Now until forever Now until our last breath-Heartbeats.
….
He had to grovel again, he knew that. So, he prepared himself to explain it away, again. The truth was, though Donna was the special woman he had talked to his mother about, they both knew that, she wasn't the special woman now. Why couldn't Paula just accept that it wasn't Donna he had taken to see his mother and not Donna he was in a relationship with now? Why was she so threatened by things that happened a long time ago? And then recently, again? Well, he kind of understood. And if he were being true to himself, Donna was an ever-fixed threat to his piece of mind, to this relationship. That's why he was so determined to draw the line back on. To step back and gain his control back. This was what he wanted, Paula. He'll do anything.
"You don't understand Harvey, the last time in my relationship it felt like there were three people in it, and it turned out there were. I'm sorry, but I can't do this with her still working so closely with you."
What was she saying now? "Are you asking me to fire Donna?" He had asked incredulously, the possibility of it numbing him.
"I hate asking this of you but, you going to have to."
His heart stopped for a moment. He could not believe that she had just given him an ultimatum like that, and for a moment he thought of throwing it right back in her face.
Then he thought better of it. He needed Paula. This was what he wanted with every part of his being except his heart. That's why it was perfect. A relationship with Paula wasn't dangerous, it would never threaten to kill him. It wouldn't break his heart, it didn't take everything. And since she was the one who had helped him get over his Donna issues, kept his feet on the ground when it felt like all around him was quick sand, she would do it again this time. He wasn't going to be ok, being without Donna, but if he had Paula, after a while, it would not feel so bad.
And progress? He could think of living without Donna now without feeling like his tie was about to chock him to death. That was the effect Paula had on him. For the first time he believed he could do this and survive.
But he could not imagine facing Donna with this. He could not imagine any easy way to do this. Easy was not even supposed to be in that sentence.
He didn't sleep that night, and the next day, he felt like he had a noose tied around his neck all day. Then Stu phoned, raving about Donna's talents. That gave him an idea.
…..
I don't know if you mean everything to me
And I wonder, can I give you what you need?
Don't want to find I've lost it all
Too scared to have no one to call
So can we just pretend
That we're not falling into the deep end?-Deep end.
...
The deal with Stu had been made and things had worked out better than expected. And most of it was thanks to her. Donna, sat in her office doing an end of day report on something. She smiled, today had been great. She had kicked ass today.
Stu walked in at that moment, happy as a pig in mud. And she had done that. Now he wanted her to work for him. Of course, she was the Donna. But she already had a job. Stu was not the first person to want to steal her from Harvey. When will then learn that no amount of money could buy her away? Wild horses wouldn't drag her away.
Then Stu said something that he wasn't supposed t have known, unless Harvey told him about it, and she just froze from a minute. The good thing about being a good actress was that she didn't let it show. Even caught off guard. But it had hurt something fierce. Stu had waltzed in here raving about her talents and wanting her to work for him. He sounded like he wanted to steal her from Harvey, only it was Harvey himself who had put him to it. She knew it without a single doubt in her mind. Harvey wanted to get rid of her like an old unwanted rug. And he didn't even have the decency to do it himself. He couldn't even accord her that little respect. When did it get so wrong, so fast? The pain she felt was unimaginable, so instead of dwelling on it, she let her indignation lead the way. Anger was a great cover at times like these.
So, as soon as Stu left her office, she marched into Harvey's office ready to let him know what she thought about the whole thing.
He had tried to deny it at first, tried to play dumb, and that hurt more than anything. Harvey treating her this way was something she had never anticipated. It was her own fault, she had crossed the line, now she was about to lose Harvey. Yeah, Paula might be the one pulling the strings here, but Harvey was consenting to it. He was doing this. As much as it hurt, she couldn't lose him.
"It was one mistake Harvey. Now I'm going to lose my job over this?" She pleaded, she could not believe this.
"You put me in this position Donna." Harvey said, his jaw set. This was happening, and he was choosing Paula.
This was her worst nightmare and she could not just let it happen like this. She had promised herself that she was never going to put her heart on the line again, but this time was different. She was about to lose everything that meant anything to her and she was not going out without a fight. She still had one play left. She could appeal to Paula. Beg her if she had to. God knew Paula had the upper hand here, but if she could hear her out, maybe she would not be so heartless to leave her with completely nothing.
Swallowing her pride as she faced Paula was painful, but nothing could be as painful as losing Harvey, completely.
So, she choked it down and begged.
"I'm sorry Paula, I'm so sorry, but I'm appealing to you, woman to woman. Please you cannot make me leave the job that I love, everything that I've worked for all this time."
Translation- 'Please, don't be a vindictive bitch. Fine, you win, you have him. You can have him but please, don't take him away from me."
Then Paula asked if she could swear that something like that will never happen again. For the life of her she could not even lie, and she could see the last nail on her coffin being nailed in with the look on Paula's face. She was done. She had just lost everything.
Paula set there, all high and mighty, all the cards in her hands and passed judgement.
"See that? That is the reason I can't even consider this. I'm sorry but, no." She said with a final note, passing judgement as if she were a queen. She was. She had all the power right now and if Donna could ever be absolved for kissing Harvey, her grovelling like this in front of Paula was the price. It was penance enough. The look on Paula's face said that she enjoyed in very much. Donna will never apologize again for it. If Harvey wanted her to go, then she will go. She left Paula's with her pride and self-respect in tatters.
….
Ooh, how do we mend?
Ooh, I didn't choose to depend on you
It's out of our hands
Maybe it will work out in the end.
…..
Harvey walked into his office with his usual confident stride only to find a resignation letter on his desk. From Donna. As he read it, the pain dripping from every word she had written, he knew he had been fooling himself when he thought he could do this. Before he could think of breathing, he was already out of that office, running as if to save his life.
This was bullshit! He was running out the door, hoping he would catch up with her. He had to put a stop to this. And he knew how.
He found himself in Paula's office. He didn't know how he got there, how he had made up his mind about this. All he knew was, he could not live without Donna. And this was the reason he had wanted Paula so much. Because he could leave her. But he could never leave Donna. He sure could live without Paula, but he already had trouble breathing because Donna had just left him. This experiment had been blown to hell, he had no more moves to make. Who was the fool now?
So that was that. His relationship with Paula was over, and the look on her face said she had seen this coming. But the hurt there… maybe not quite like this.
He had rushed to Donna's Apartment like someone racing against a time bomb. There she was, looking so…Donna. And so unhappy.
"What are you doing here Harvey?"
"I came here to give you this." He said tearing up the letter.
"Does she know?" Shock did register on her face.
"She does. It's over." He said with resignation in his voice.
"Are you ok?"
"Will you come back?"
"Yes."
"Then I'm ok."
When she said yes, she got her answer. And had his. He was going to be ok. As long as she came back. And he had also utterly lost this battle.
He was angry. He was so angry at that moment. He had thought he was ready, he had been making progress, it had taken Donna leaving for him to realize that he would never be free of her. He could run, or protest or lash out but he could no longer deny that he loved her. The realisation that he would never be free of this curse made him hate her so much at that moment, almost as much as he loved her. To destruction.
So, when she asked if he wanted to come in, he declined. He really needed to be alone right now. To ponder his predicament which he could no longer deny or excuse with the words 'just friendship' or 'work'. He had never set out to love anyone like this.
…..
I don't know if you mean everything to me
And I wonder, can I give you what you need?
Don't want to find I've lost it all
Too scared to have no one to call
So can we just pretend
That we're not falling into the deep end?-Deep end.
