Kathryn stared at him disbelievingly. "You're leaving?" she said blankly, her mind refusing to accept what was so plainly set before her. He was leaving the ship. Leaving her. Leaving his child. "Chakotay…why?"
"I seem to remember asking you that a few days ago Kathryn. You didn't answer me then, why should I have to answer you now?"
Gathering her wits around her, she stood up. "Commander you are still an officer on this ship and I am still captain. I would like a …logical explanation, if there is one, as to why you wish to abandon any hope of retuning back to earth, why you want to abandon…friends on this ship."
Spirits help him, he still loved her. He had tried to stop, tried to make himself hate her, but he realized that he didn't have it in him. She had been miserable before meeting Raoul and she had been happy till his tirade in her quarters. Yes, he did love her, but he would have to admit to the fact that she didn't love him. He could not force her to feel anything for him that wasn't already there. He knew she valued him as a friend. But that just wasn't enough for him. And no amount of wishful daydreaming on his part was going to change that.
Instead all he had been doing was making her life a living hell. Having isolated her from the crew, he had hurt her badly, when what he should have been doing, what his duty as her friend demanded that he do, was support her. But it hurt too badly to see her. The only reason he had stayed on the ship was to be by her side. He had nothing waiting for him in the Alpha quadrant. He would gladly risk going back to maybe even a Cardassian prison, if only it meant that he had a chance to stand by her forever. But it was clear now that he had deluded himself. There was no longer any reason to stay.
Emerging from his internal justifications he refocused on her face, seeing her waiting for an answer. Before he could stop himself he had the uncontrollable urge to make her feel a little of his pain before he left, to see if he mattered even a little to her. "I'll tell you why Kathryn. It's because I can't stand to be around you anymore. I can't even look at you. And I hate you for making me feel this way" he spat out.
Hearing her worst nightmares come true, Kathryn could only stand and listen in shock. He hated her. Hated. Well, what did she expect? She should have thought of consequences before she lost herself in the holodeck. But she was still Captain of this vessel. A Starfleet officer. 'We don't buckle under pressure.' Straitening up, she squared her shoulders and tossed the padd back at her first officer. "Request denied Commander. As of right now, you are too valuable to this ship. If you left, half the Maquis would probably want to go with you, and we cant afford the loss of manpower, not with us already being so short handed. Return to the bridge and resume your duties. Your personal reasons are not sufficient reason for your resignation."
"Damn it Kathryn, you can't stop me from leaving." This wasn't going according to plan. He hadn't factored in that Irish stubbornness.
She walked over to him and leaned into his face. "Try me Commander…I dare you." When all he did was stare at her in shell shocked silence, she said with a voice that more resembled a whiplash. "Dismissed."
Without another word, he walked out of the room. She heaved a sigh of relief. Contrary to her bluster, she really couldn't stop him if he decided to go. Luckily for her, he hadn't called her bluff. Yet. Sooner or later he would. If she knew Chakotay, even a board of admirals couldn't stop him when he decided to do something. And he had obviously decided to leave Voyager. She collapsed into her chair and cradled her head in her hands. He was going to leave sooner or later. And there was nothing she could do to stop him.
Yes there was, a tiny voice inside her said. Tell him about the baby. He wouldn't leave his son. No, she thought, he wouldn't. And then she would be as bad as Seska. He would be forced to stay because of something he had done, which he had no control over. His sense of honor wouldn't allow him to leave. He would be trapped by the side of someone he hated. But he would stay. She considered it for the briefest of moments before dismissing it. She couldn't do that to him. Even if it kept him with her, he would be unhappy. And she loved him too much to see him unhappy if she could help it.
Chakotay stormed down a corridor towards engineering. It had been a week since he had tried to resign and he was still here. It was time. As he entered he looked around for his chief engineer. If he was going to leave the ship without the Captain's knowledge, he would need some help.
Noticing a pair of boots sticking out of a Jefferies tube, and the unmistakable sound of Klingon cursing he gave a half smile and made his way towards the wall. Not wanting to startle her he waited till she noticed him, smiling at the look of embarrassment he received on her being caught loosing her temper yet again. "Belanna, I have some things I need to talk about. Would you mind meeting me in the mess hall after the shifts over."
"Any time old man." Noting the lack of the signature grin on his face, her own smile faltered. "What's up?"
"I'll tell you in the mess hall later." And he walked out. Her eyes took in the slouched shoulders and the slow gait. Something was wrong, and she had a feeling she wasn't going to like it one bit
"YOU'RE WHAT!" she bellowed a few hours later across the table from her old captain.
"I'm leaving Voyager." he calmly repeated, as if he were announcing the time or something equally incongruous.
"Why?" was all she could splutter out, still shocked
"Why does everybody keep asking me that? I'm leaving because I want too. It's as simple as that."
"I don't think so. You don't just pick up and leave after 4 years. What happened to change your mind so suddenly?"
"I think you know what happened." He muttered darkly.
"Come on Chakotay, your still holding that against her…" she fired back
"No I don't hold it against her. I just can't stay anymore. I can't be around her anymore. I've tried. It's not working. So I'm leaving. And I need your help."
She was in her ready room when the alarms went off. At 5 months along, she didn't quite stride as much as waddle onto the bridge. "Report" she barked out.
"Its commander Chakotay ma'am", Harry answered, the salutation demonstrating how shocked he was. "He's taken a shuttle and jumped to warp."
"How in the hell did he do it without setting off alarms before this?" she demanded.
"I'm not sure captain. It looks like someone disabled internal sensors in the shuttle bay, and disengaged the door warning mechanism." A beeping noise filled the utter silence of the bridge. "Captain, I have an incoming transmission… It's from Commander Chakotay. He's requesting that it be relayed ship wide."
Nodding her head, she turned towards the main view screen, finding it blank. "Harry? She questioned. "Its audio only Captain."
Static filled the bridge clearing to the sound of Chakotay's voice. So she wouldn't even get to see him one last time. Focusing her attention on the words she tried to discern what he was saying through the haze that seemed to envelop her. She caught only fragments.
"The time has come for me to leave you'll. Due to personal reasons, I can no longer be a part of the fine crew that I have come to respect…yes it was a fine crew, but for how long without him … even though I have to go, do not let my absence change what you have, a family….they were a family and he was deserting them, her…with as fine a captain as you'll have I have no doubt you'll make it home soon. I wish you fair winds and following seas. Chakotay out."
And just like that he was gone. "Captain shall I set a pursuit course" asked Tom breaking the shock induced stillness.
"No, Lieutenant. Put it up on the main viewer. Let him go."
She looked up at the screen and watched as he flashed out of her life. "I'll be in my ready room…Chakotay, you…" her voice cracked a fraction…she had to get to her ready room. Commander Tuvok, you have the bridge. And she left.
Across the nebula they had just navigated, another man bent over the controls of the helm. She hadn't even tried to convince him to return. It was for the best.
And across the ever increasing distance between them 2 hearts bled.
It had been a month since Chakotay had left, and things were starting to seem normal again on Voyager. B'Elanna had been restored to duty after a week in the brig for disabling the security systems. Tuvok had taken over as first officer, and despite protests from Neelix, Joe Carrey had taken over as chief of security. Harry had finally promoted to lieutenant and the dynamic between the crew was returning to equilibrium. The only person still lost was the captain. Oh she hid it. Attended parties, opened the beginning ceremonies of Prixin, went out with Naomi on the holodeck. She was the captain and it was up to her to set an example for the crew. But alone in the privacy of her quarters, she would relax the iron hold that kept her upright during the day and reality would crash down upon her. She would feel her child rolling leisurely around and wished that he could be there to feel it. But there were no more tears. She had cried so often the first few weeks, especially the day when she first felt the infant move, that she didn't know if she had any tears left in her. She ate well and slept when she could, mindful of the baby growing inside her. But everything else seemed dulled, surreal. She would catch herself wondering where he was. What he was doing. Whether he had found somebody to share his new life with. It was that last thought that brought her the most comfort and the most pain. He would find someone who could love him back. Someone who could make him happy. And she would always have a part of him with her. To love as much as she wanted to love him.
She placed a hand on her slowing moving child and even though she tried to stop it, a solitary tear ran down her cheek.
About 3 weeks behind them, a man sat, coaxing every bit of speed out of the shuttles engines as he could. He had tried to put her behind him. He really had. He had traveled back a few light years to a small colony where a humanoid species lived. Voyager, having been fully restocked after the Bremarains generosity, have made contact for only a day and then left. The people were almost human like in appearance. He had hoped they would welcome him and he was not disappointed. But it was not enough. He found himself thinking about voyager. He wondered if Harry had gotten his promotion now that he had left. He wondered if B'Elanna had gotten into much trouble because of him. He wondered what they were having for dinner that night.
But mostly he wondered about her. What she looked like. If she was getting enough rest now. Whether she was happy. Whether the baby was a boy or girl.
After three weeks of wondering, realization dawned like a new day. As hard as it was seeing her with another man's child, it was harder not seeing her at all. As hard as it was knowing she did not love him, it was harder knowing she was not his friend.
Gathering up his things and leaving his new friends behind, he set a new course for Voyager. He would go back and hope she forgave him. He did not know how long it would take for her to trust him, or even if she ever would again, but he had to try. Even if they could only ever be friends, he would accept it. As long as he was near her, by her side. He only hoped that I wasn't too late.
He did not know that he was nearly out of time already.
