4 days later in sickbay:

Kathryn groggily stirred, and then slowly her eyes blinked open. Feeling a heavy weight on her hand, she looked down to see her first officer asleep, clutching her hand under his head. For a moment, everything was right in her world…then suddenly with the speed and devastation of a tsunami it all came roaring back at her. Him leaving, the fire fight with the aliens, beaming him onto the bridge and then falling hard against those blasted rails. With a jolt she remembered the last few moments she was conscious- the blood all around her. Her free hand flew to her stomach to reassure her self...

Chakotay woke up with a start to the sound of a sharp intake of breath near him. He remembered immediately why he was clutching Kathryn's hand in sickbay, and he raised his head, looking up into her startling blue eyes which were awash with tears - she then turned away to look at her now flat stomach before turning back to him. In one corner of his mind detachedly he marvelled at how easily they could communicate even now. Even after nearly 2 months of separation, he immediately knew what she was asking. Inhaling a deep breath he steeled himself for what would probably be the most difficult thing he had to do in his life.

One look into his chocolate brown eyes, eyes that were so easy to read, swimming in tears and she knew. She knew. But she waited for him to confirm her worst nightmare.

"Kathryn…I… I'm so very sorry"… he heard the door open behind him and idly thought that B'Elanna and Tom must have come by for their daily visit to spell him for a few hours. He forced his thoughts back to the present… "The doctor tried everything he could…but the baby...she had suffered too much trauma, as well as being born 2 months early…he couldn't save her. He nearly lost you too. Twice.

Her eyes lost all emotion as he looked at her. He shuddered at the sudden wall that slammed into place at his words. "Maybe it wouldn't have been such a bad thing if he had," she murmured.

He heard the startled gasp behind him and saw her look up, focusing for the first time on her visitors in sickbay. She barely glanced at them before looking back at him. "Are we clear of the alien's space Commander?"

Wincing at the flat lifeless tone of her voice, he answered in the affirmative.

"And the funeral for the b…baby?" her voice wavered ever so minutely, but immediately snapped back to the steel shot voice of command he was so used to hearing.

"The doctor has placed her … body in stasis. We thought that you would want to be there for the ceremony." She nodded as if he were reciting a briefing report. "Very well commander…I assume it is commander since you're in uniform again...Tuvok reinstated you?" at his silent nod she continued. "Schedule the ceremony for 1100 hours tomorrow."

He tried to get through to her again. "Kathryn I know that it seems hard now but…."

"I'm sorry to interrupt Commander but you have no idea what it seems. I assume that you being here means that by now you know that she was not Raoul's child?"

Without waiting for a reply, without giving him the chance to explain to her that even if it had been Raouls child, that nothing would have dragged him from her ever again, she went on. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Maybe things would be different if I had." She paused for a second, imagining a very different outcome, then slammed down on thoughts that would only lead to more pain. "But it's too late now. Too late for anything"

Looking up at her, he despaired at the lack of emotion in her voice. A few months ago he would be staring into a level 10 glare or holding her as she cried. Now she stated it as a fact, her voice as level as ever.

"Now if you don't mind, I'm very tired, and I would like to get some rest." And with that she turned around lay on her side and ignored them.

Chakotay stared at her back wondering what he was supposed to do now. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see B'Elanna with tears streaming down her face hugging Tom. Nodding at them, not trusting his voice yet, he turned around and left sickbay, his 2 friends trailing after him silently.

Alone in sickbay Kathryn's hand went unconsciously too her stomach and she let a single tear roll down her cheek before she ruthlessly clamped down on her feelings. The past 5 months had been hell on earth for Kathryn, but she had borne all of it. This was the final straw. She did not know if she could survive another blow. She locked Kathryn up deep inside herself…the part of her that wanted to cry and never stop, to fall into Chakotay's arms, to rail against the gods at their cruelty. First Justin and her father, then Mark, Chakotay leaving and finally her baby. A girl Chakotay had said. A beautiful girl. Realizing that she was letting herself think she suppressed it all again. Kathryn was gone. The captain was the only thing holding her together…so from now on that was all she would be. The captain. The captain did not hurt, did not cry, did not feel. That was how she would survive.

The next day in the mess hall:

The entire crew was assembled in the mess hall except for the few that were running the skeleton shift that morning. The captain was standing by the side of the torpedo tube, back ramrod straight, arms at her side. Beside her stood Chakotay similar in posture, with the notable difference being the tears streaming down his cheeks. She had declined to speak and had even refused to name her daughter, so that task fell to Chakotay. His voice shook as he said goodbye to his daughter Nelaya, naming her after his sister.

Around her Kathryn heard the muffled sobs. But she remained stiffly at attention as a crewman sounded the traditional whistle and the torpedo was launched into space at Tuvok's command. Spinning around she turned towards her crew and stiffly thanked them for attending and dismissed them back to their duty stations. She saw the shocked disbelief at her coldness, but it penetrated no part of her. Swiftly walking to the door's she ignored any effort by her people to stop and condole her and the last thing she heard as she walked through the doors was somebody muttering ice queen. But even this had no effect. There was nobody left to care anymore.

Chakotay stiffened as he heard the muttered comment of the ensign. He took a few quick steps towards him intending to make the young man rue his words when he was stopped by Tuvok holding on to his arm. "Commander, I will see to this matter. Ensign Carter will be properly dealt with."

Glaring at his security officer, he looked back at the offender, now as white as a sheet. With a sigh he nodded his acquiescence and left the mess hall, making his way slowly to his quarters. He sat down hard on his sofa, before springing up again, frustration coursing through him. He had just lost the only family he had left. Kathryn probably blamed him for the child's death, the way she was treating him, and he just been denied the opportunity to take out his anger on some prick headed ensign. He headed to the cargo bay to find his stash of ale. He was on leave for the next 2 days, unlike the captain who had gone back to duty after the funeral, and he intended to get very very drunk.

4 hours later, after the end of the alpha shift, he heard the door chime beeping. Ignoring it he took another swig of the bottle in his hand, having long ago abandoned the glass. Blearily he looked around at the 4 empty bottles lying around the sofa, then at the half filled one in his hand.

The door chimed again and then again, but he ignored it. He hadn't even passed out yet. He couldn't even get that right. He turned as he heard the door open immediately regretting his decision. The room swam before his eyes before he forced it into focus again. He hoped against all odds that she had come to see him...to grieve with him, but as his old friend and chief engineer came into focus he turned back to his bottle. Before he could take another sip however it was hauled out of his hand.

He looked up into sorrowful stern eyes and winced. She looked like his mother had when he was 15 and had caught him drinking at his friend's house. Mutinously he raised his head and managed to drawl out something that sounded like the word "what?"

B'Elanna merely raised her eyebrows and took in the bottle riddled surroundings. Sighing, she tapped on her comm badge, ordering a detox hypo from sickbay and watched it materialize. She had expected an argument from the doctor but was surprised when he quickly acquiesced and beamed it over. Looking down at her old captain, she picked him up, dragging him to the bed. Once he was there, she injected him and then left to sit on his sofa. The hypo spray might take a few hours to work judging from the count of empty glass bottles, and she needed time to think.

2 hours later Chakotay emerged groggily from his bedroom smiling sheepishly at his friend. The smile faded however when she saw her serious expression.

"What is it B'El?" he asked carefully. He had a feeling he knew why she was here, but he wasn't going to make it easy.

"Damn it Chakotay" she burst out, "you were in sickbay and the funeral, and though you weren't on the bridge today, she was the same there too. She can't go on like this, and you're the only person I can think off who can break her out of it. Stop being a Pa'thak and do something! "

Sighing again he looked down. It was a full minute before he spoke again, and then only because B'Elanna was showing signs of gearing up for another outburst.

"I lost the right to do anything when I left 3 months ago B'Elanna. If I had taken the time to try and understand, instead of judging, if I had trusted her…or loved her enough to stay… or if only I had never come back, this would never had happened. I know that. And she knows that. And I don't blame her for hating me. I know that someone has to get through to her. But it can't be me. Not anymore."

And with that he left the room, heading to the bedroom for a shower, leaving behind one very frustrated half Klingon.

It was 2 weeks since the funeral and the crew of the U.S.S. Voyager was on edge. They knew something was wrong with their captain and it was reflected in their somber mood.

No one on Voyager could fault the captain at her job. If anything she had become even more immersed in her work if possible and it was exemplary. No, they just missed the Kathryn that attended talent nights, that cracked a smile at the banter between Tom and Harry on the bridge, that whipped Tom at pool in Sandrine's.

Even Chakotay, who was still convinced that she blamed him for Nelaya's death knew something had to be done. All other attempts by the doctor, Tom, B'Elanna and even Tuvok had failed. He had to try now. Even if she was furious at him her anger would at least provoke some reaction when he confronted her. Anything.

Steeling his courage, he approached her quarter's, padd in hand, a pithy official excuse to let him in. He knew she wouldn't unofficially so he grasped at any excuse he could find.

Ringing the chime he waited to be granted entrance, explaining about the urgent report from Tuvok that he had to drop off. He waited a few tense moments, while he could almost silently hear her debate whether to let him in. in the end her sense of duty won out as he had known it would and he was granted admittance.

Kathryn dully watched as he entered her quarters. It had been a week and now the only reason he was forcing himself to see her alone was due to ships business. But she no longer felt the pain that that thought would have once brought. Deep inside her a tiny voice cried out, but the captain quickly quashed it into submission.

She held out a hand for the padd then watched with a raised eyebrow as he walked over to her couch and sat down. Sighing she turned her attention back to the padd, scrolling through it quickly, confused as to why the daily security report had to be hand delivered all of a sudden.

He was shocked by her appearance. She had lost a lot of weight, and if the dark circles under her eyes were any indication, she wasn't sleeping well either. Looking around her quarters, he noticed that what was usually the organized chaos that he teased her about now was probably neater than Tuvok's Spartan quarters.

Turning his attention back to Kathryn he started when he realized that she was now staring at him with an intensity that made him know that he was either going to break through to her in the next few minutes… or forever regret the day that B'Elanna had convinced him this was a good idea.