"What is this commander?" She inquired in the steel shot voice that had made many an ensign run for cover. It was only years of resistance training that enabled Chakotay to stare up defiantly..

"It's an excuse captain."

"An excuse for…?" she replied, still feigning innocence.

"Damn it Kathryn…don't play with me. You know damn well what I'm here to talk about."

He watched as her eyes widened at his sudden outburst. Good. She was startled. If he kept her on edge, she was less likely to be able to marshal up her defenses.

At her continued silence, he said in a very soft whisper "I'm here to talk about our daughter. Why didn't you tell me Kathryn, I would have understood if you thought 'us' was a mistake, but she wasn't. Tell me you don't see Nelaya as a mistake."

Kathryn struggled past the lump forming in her throat. She didn't know if even the captain was strong enough for this conversation, but she would try.

"I'm sorry Chakotay. Sorry that I got pregnant…you have to know it wasn't intentional, sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you, sorry that…" you don't love me. She mourned the fact that if she had told him, he would have cared for the child. Hated her maybe, or resented her, but he would have loved their child. "Most of all I'm sorry that you had to find out you had a child like this."

His heart ached at the sadness and guilt he saw she had burdened herself with. Self loathing filled him. He had promised never to leave her, to always stand by her side, to make her burden lighter. He had broken that promise, she had lost her child trying to save his life and in spite of all of this she was sorry.

"Kathryn, you have nothing to be sorry for. I should have never left you, I should have trusted you. Gods Kathryn... how can you be sorry? It's my fault." His voice cracked, and once again the tears overtook him. "My fault" he mumbled again,

He felt the familiar pressure of her hand on his shoulder and looked up into dismayingly dry eyes. "It isn't your fault Chakotay. It was an accident. A terrible accident." With that she patted his shoulder as if comforting him on the loss of a game pool or velocity and moved towards the entrance archway of her bedroom.

It wasn't working he thought wildly. He had failed. Only one thing remained to be tried, and though he hesitated to use it, knew how much pain it would cause her, he knew he had no choice.

She had nearly made it to safety. A few more steps and she could retire to the comfort of her bed, to stare in oblivion at the starscape she knew all to well, to reign in the torrent of emotions that were threatening to sweep her away while she clutched tenuously at every shred of control she possessed. So close to numbness again. And then he spoke.

"I held her you know. For a few minutes. She did live for a few minutes, but her organs were so undeveloped and along with the trauma she suffered, the doctor said that she wouldn't survive a surgery or a stasis chamber. She was having trouble breathing, but she was still crying. As stubborn as you Kathryn. So small. Yet perfect. Perfect." He kept his voice strong and loud, even though he was dying a little with every word he forced out. "10 fingers,10 toes. I counted. She had your hair. And your eyes. She looked right at me with those big blue eyes"

She interrupted suddenly. "Most babies are born with blue eyes. It usually changes as they grow."

He realized that she was trying to distract herself, to pick out, analyze and explain as an objective scientist, but he continued inexorably.

"But she had my nose. And my coloring. She was so beautiful… I sang to her for awhile. I told her…"

"Chakotay... Please…don't do this…" her voice was shaking now and as much as he hated himself for it, he forced himself to go on.

"I told her how much we loved her, and how much we had wanted her to stay with us. I told her she shouldn't be afraid, that my father would watch over her for me while I was away. I told her about you, and why you weren't there to say goodbye. I…you weren't conscious Kathryn but she was whimpering, so I put her next to you on the bed, turned into you, and she…she stopped crying for awhile…I thought she was just finally tired, and that maybe she knew… she sensed she was next to you, so she had quieted down, but when I went to pick her up again, she…She knew she was safe and I think, I hope, she just went to sleep. When I went to pick her up again… she wasn't breathing..."

He stopped, couldn't go on anymore looking at her, standing stoic as ever, her back to him. The room was deathly quite, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. There was nothing more he could do. He stood up preparing to leave when he detected a tremor running through her.

Hesitantly he took a step forward, and then another. He steeled himself for a rebuff and hesitantly placed a hand on her shoulder. "Kathryn…?"

With a sob that tore from somewhere deep inside her, she turned and barrelled into his arms, her legs giving up their struggle to keep her standing up against the waves of grief that pounded against her. As they both slid to the ground, her head burrowed into his strong chest, trying to absorb to strength, the will, to draw her next breath. The tears ran freely down the faces of the two grieving parents, curled up against the bulkhead. Chakotay held her shuddering form, rocking gently as he felt his shirt grow damper. He tried to comfort her, when there was no comfort to be offered. He could only hold her as the storm raged around them. He'd hold her for however long she needed him to be there, however long he could, until she remembered protocol and dismissed him again and then he'd go... and find a way to put the pieces of his shattered heart back together, or go quietly insane trying.