I woke up in my own bed, Tucker snoring on my floor. I was so grateful he'd stayed in my room last night. In the moments that I found myself alone, with nothing to do but realize I was alone, my heart started feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest and that absolutely nothing I did was going to help me breathe better. I looked up at my ceiling, watching sunrise begin to streak across the sky. It was way too fucking early. What happened to sleeping in until noon? Where had that gone?
But I had also spent the last couple of months trying to sleep so that I could block out everything else that was going on. I tucked my hands behind my head, just trying to listen to Tucker breathe. It was a lot heavier than Sam's breathing but it was comforting to know that there was someone else around me that was alive. That he, specifically, was alive. I stayed still as the sky grew even lighter. Tucker might sleep in. Despite how late we were, I couldn't imagine Jazz staying in bed that far past ten.
I heard footsteps and my whole body went tense. I tried to look like I was sleeping and I shifted toward the door, keeping an eye on it. But it was just my mom, her robe over her pyjamas, peeking around. She looked in Jazz's room first and then she stopped and stared in at Tucker and I. I don't think she noticed that I was still awake because she just smiled to herself and continued down into the kitchen. I let out a sigh. Vlad was in a thermos. Elliot was in a thermos. My mom and dad weren't going to hurt anyone. It was all going to be fine.
I had a feeling, though, that I was going to become a frequent visitor to Walker's prison, just to make sure that Vlad was exactly where I left him. I knew what a hard-ass Walker was, but I also didn't know if I could trust him completely. It wasn't as if he and I had the best history, after all. He might lock me in a cell, though, if I annoyed him too much, so I'd have to watch my step. He didn't have to see me, after all.
I heard Dad start to move around his room and, then, over the sound of his heavy footsteps, I heard Mom in the kitchen, talking to someone. I bit down on my lip, hoping that it wasn't a call about Vlad. It would make sense to call Mom and Dad if he went missing, they were his 'best friends', but I was hoping I had another day or two of grace before anyone started to miss him. It wasn't like he and Dad talked every day and the bastard didn't have real friends. I waited until Dad had checked in, me first and then Jazz, and gone down the stairs before I sat up. I floated across the floor so as not to disturb Tucker and creeped toward the stairs, just enough that I could pick out her individual words, even though Mom was trying to be quiet.
"No, Pamela, if they're both up for it, I think it would be nice."
Sam's mom? I guess it shouldn't be that weird. They'd been friendly since the Mansons had moved to Amity and they'd probably become closer since Sam and I went missing. After all, they'd thought we'd run away together in a fit of love, like Sam and I were the type to abandon our families. I sat down on the upper step.
"No, he's not awake, but I'll ask him about it when he gets up."
Well, now I was just too fucking curious.
"How's Sam? Yeah, that sounds about right. Danny spent the night with Tucker and Jazz. I'd have Tucker move in if I thought it would make him happy." Mom laughed and it almost made me laugh too. As if Tucker hadn't half-lived here our entire lives. "He's quiet. Danny was always so loud but now he's just … so quiet. Even his face and his expressions. He won't tell me what happened but I've been scared to ask too. It's hard to know that about your kids … No, Pam, I won't keep you. Thanks for calling. Yes, the same to you and Jeremy. Bye."
Once I was sure she hung up, I made me way down the stairs. Dad was putting Mom's coffee cup down in front of her. Neither of them noticed that I was standing there and I had to clear my throat to get their attention.
"Morning, Danny!" Mom said, grinning happily. "You're up early."
"Couldn't sleep," I mumbled, sliding into a seat next to her.
"Do you want some coffee?" Dad asked.
"Okay, thanks," I said. I couldn't handle lying to them about anything right now and so I confessed to Mom, "I came down because I heard you talking about me."
"Well, Pam and I just had this little idea about holding a small party for your return. You know, a lot of people helped us out in looking for you. Search parties, flyers, donations, t-shirts. We just want a chance to thank them properly and let them see that you two are going to be all right."
Not all right. Going to be all right. It wasn't as if Mom were wrong but it still kind of rubbed me the wrong way.
"Does Sam want to? We don't exactly have the best track record at parties."
I still couldn't get Mom to smile about it.
"She's talking to Sam when she gets up and I'm talking to you now."
"I will if Sam will," I said.
"It'll just be at the Mansons' house," Mom said. "You'll dress up nice but it won't be massive or anything."
Dad put coffee down in front of me.
"Thanks, Dad."
He was strangely silent as he sat down next to me with a bowl of cereal.
Mom stood and kissed my cheek. "I'll text Pamela after I get out of the shower."
She left the room and I grabbed a bowl, pouring my own cereal. Dad and I crunched for a moment.
"How you feeling, Danny?"
"I'm … okay. Sorry for closing myself off with Jazz and Tucker last night."
"We knew where you were," Dad said, making me feel even more guilty. "That was the important part. We knew exactly where you were."
Only for most of it, I thought, realizing just what my parents would have looked like if Vlad had bested me last night. If Vlad had been more aware, if Vlad had realized I was there before I figured out where he was … I could have destroyed them all again. I didn't like the thought that I had that power. I had enough fucking powers. My parents didn't deserve not knowing where I was or what I was doing. It really wasn't fair to them at all, was it? I put my elbow on the table and my head in my hand, miserably swirling my cereal pieces around in my milk.
"If you ever want to talk, you know I'm a good listener, Danny. You can tell me anything you want."
Fucking hell. My dad wasn't going to make me cry.
"I know, Dad," I said, a lump growing in my throat. "And it's not that I don't want to tell you, I just don't know how. I don't have the words and I can't even think about it. I think I'll explode if I do. Just … I … Jeez. I know you're there, Dad. I really do."
Dad seemed satisfied with that response, at least.
"Maddie and I were talking. Did you want to go see a therapist?"
"Not yet. I mean, um, I just … I don't know. I can't say it. I can't think about saying it. I'll let you know if I start needing anything like that."
"We just want you to talk to us."
"I will. When I have something to say, I will," I promised.
"Okay, we trust you."
They really fucking shouldn't, not with all of the lies and secrets and dick-ish behaviour that I had given them to work with over the past few years. It didn't stop me from trying to smile at him, even though the expression felt strange on my lips. I was grateful when I heard footsteps and Tucker staggered in, Jazz in his arms. He put her down in the kitchen chair, so gently that it made me uncomfortable to watch.
"Someone doesn't like to walk in the morning."
"Someone also likes coffee in the morning," Jazz replied.
At least they made me laugh. As Tucker grabbed coffee mugs for him and Jazz, I muttered, "Good dog."
Tuck's head snapped around and he glared at me. "Like you're not the king of getting whipped by girlfriends."
I rolled my eyes. "My girlfriends were never your sister!"
"Because I don't have a sister! If I did, we'd be having a very different argument."
I squinted at him. "Why do you think your sister would be hot?"
"Because I'm hot."
"Let's not get an ego about anything," Jazz droned, and I was so grateful for my sister's sense of humour.
"She's mean before the caffeine," Tucker sulked.
"You should be used to it," Dad said. "Given how long it's been."
"Ah! Ah!" I interrupted. "I don't want to know."
"Why not?" Dad asked.
"I don't want to know how much I didn't see … and how much I missed," I added.
They'd had lives. They'd done things. I'd been at a stand still, not even realizing that time was passing. I still wasn't sure I'd really wrapped my mind around that. Maybe it really was a sign that I was selfish.
"Well, your eyes need to open sometime," Dad said and I decided not to read too much into that.
Dad patted my shoulder and left the room. I watched him go and then leant across the table, telling Jazz and Tucker about the party that Pamela and Mom were trying to put together.
Jazz sighed, which wasn't what I'd been expected. "Danny, this isn't a chance to get back together with Sam."
"I know," I said, and I think it surprised her. "And that wasn't what I was going to say but, thanks."
"Sorry," she said, her cheeks turning red.
"I spent months, alone, chained up by the neck, with her. I understand what I did to her, as best as I'll ever be able to. I changed too," I said, trying not to dwell on it. "I hurt her. When she's around me, she gets hurt. Sam gets space, Sam gets distance, Sam gets to never speak to me again. Whatever she wants. It's not up to me. I get it, okay? I get it."
"I'm really sorry."
"Okay." I looked down at the wooden table. Tables. Another thing I'd spent months without. Tables, chairs, changing my clothes. Fuck. There was no other word to describe it.
"What were you going to say?" Tucker asked.
"That I don't know how I'm going to feel walking into a party like that again. I don't know how to stop looking over my shoulder for Vlad, even though I put him away. It doesn't feel real or that I did it at all. I feel like he's out there and I'm still in danger. You're still in danger. I feel like I want to shake and explode every time I think of Sam being alone, without protection, or you guys being alone, without protection, or Mom and Dad being alone, without protection. I can't protect myself, let alone one of you, let alone both of you. I think I don't know how to breathe anymore!"
I felt angry and my hands shook. I wanted to run away. I didn't want to leave them. I felt anchored in place and that feeling just made me start crying all over again. Jazz forced herself on her feet and tottered halfway around the table so that she could wrap her arms around my shoulders. Tucker's hand rubbed up and down my arm.
"We'll get there, Danny," Tucker said and all I wanted was to believe him.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Superman or the Reflections Universe, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash reflections dash universe. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~
