Chapter 15
Rey was sitting in a dark diner with food in front of her, and her head was killing her. She had no recollection of how she had gotten there, but Ben, Poe, Finn, and Rose were all there and eating and talking normally, so she assumed nothing unusual had happened. Ben and Poe seemed to be deeply engaged in some discussion about politics-freedom versus order or something like that. She must have lost track of things while trying to organize her thoughts and maintain the shield.
Ben had kissed her.
Rey thought back on the moment. She had been terrified when he discovered her curiosity about kissing him during the mental shield training, but he had not reacted in disgust or displeasure. He had kissed her, gently and masterfully. It had felt amazing.
Then he withdrew, smiled, and attacked her mind again.
She was not very knowledgeable of these things, but she was pretty sure that kissing normally lead to more kissing when two people like each other, which had brought up some awful questions. Why kiss her only to attack her after? Had the kiss been a planned distraction to test her focus? Had he been teasing her? Was he indulging her desire simply because he knew what she wanted? She didn't understand.
She picked up her fork and set it down again. Vaguely, she realized she didn't remember ordering her food either, but the mysterious meat and vegetables looked okay, except that she had no appetite.
Yesterday, she had fully believed Ben was infatuated with her. However, he had done nothing more intimate than stroke her arm when they shared a bed through their bond, and now it seemed he kissed her only out of pity or trickery. He definitely wanted her at his side, but wanting someone at your side did not mean wanting them romantically. She bit her lip.
Ben elbowed her gently, and she glanced at him. He seemed worried about her, so she forced a smile to show she was fine. She was not fine.
The idea that Ben kissed her to distract or mollify her was mortifying. She had made a mistake revealing her desire to him. She would not repeat her mistake.
Ben's knee bumped into her own under the table, and she moved her legs away rather than indulge in the contact. Anguish hit her heart as she realized she no longer knew what to made of his touch, even the casual, friendly touches.
She felt Ben use the force to brush against her mental defenses, as he had done many times since they left, and she reinforced them almost on reflex. Her shielding ability had improved immensely. Whatever else Ben was, he was an effective teacher.
However, the shielding kept her from focusing on what was happening around her. She barely followed the conversations at the library, where they were told that Luke Skywalker had removed all texts regarding the force over two decades ago. They had searched anyway, hoping to find something missed, but the library closed before they had any success.
Rey supposed she should focus on being thankful that Ben seemed to be getting along well with both Poe and Rose. Even Finn was showing more civility. However, the mental shield training was exhausting.
And her world had been turned upside-down by that kiss.
She hadn't even been certain she wanted to kiss him. Her world had been a solitary one before the Resistance, and she had not been looking for love. Half the reason kissing him had even been on her mind was because she had thought he desired her.
However, the kiss had exposed her to hope, and that hope tore down a wall of defenses that she had not even realized existed inside her. The belief that her abandonment meant she did not deserve anyone special had protected her from romantic desire her entire life up until that moment. With it gone, she found herself crushed to discover she was the one who desired Ben.
The irony did not escape her.
Next to her, the conversation on politics continued. Both Poe and Ben had started off a touch defensive, but they had found common ground to agree on and seemed to both be enjoying the thrill of having their philosophies challenged. Finn and Rose were listening attentively and occasionally offering their own insights.
Rey wished she could follow the conversation, but it was far over her head. She knew about machines and trading, but the only politics that had mattered to her before this week were the politics of survival: Keep your head low and stay away from trouble.
So much for that.
Ben brushed her mind with the force again, and Rey tempered her shield accordingly.
She stared vacantly at the food in front of her. A week ago she would have eaten everything and licked her plate clean within a minute. Her time on Ahch-To had spoiled her, and her distress killed what remained of her appetite.
"Rey, are you alright?" she heard Finn say from across the table. She blinked a few times and realized the table had gone silent. They were all looking at her with concern, and she wondered how long they had been trying to get her attention.
"Sorry, I'm fine. The training is just tough, that's all," she said, and made a point of putting a forkful of food in her mouth. It tasted like ash to her.
"Training? What training?" Finn asked.
Rey looked to Ben for help explaining. "She's learning to maintain a mental shield so that she won't be susceptible to mental attacks, like a force interrogation," he explained. His plate was empty, and Rey realized that she was the only one with food left. Even Growlie had finished tackling his small plate of extras and was roosting on Ben's shoulder again.
"And that makes her look like she's not slept in three days?" Finn asked.
"He's been attacking my mind throughout the evening to make sure I'm keeping my defenses up," Rey said, and immediately regretted it as fury took over Finn's face. "Finn, it's training."
"She's made immense progress. I did not underestimate her potential with the force," Ben said.
Finn slammed his hands down on the table. "You know, I've been listening to you go on and on about how the First Order is great because, even though you're treating people horribly to instill order, you'll be able to reintroduce freedoms gradually later and things will be healthier overall, but you can't do that with people. If you break Rey, you might not get the chance to fix her!"
"You underestimate her," Ben said, looking coolly at Finn.
"He might, but she looks awful, Ben, and she's barely touched her food. Ease up on her, would you?" Poe said from where he sat next to Finn and across from Ben. "At least so she can eat and get back to her room without falling over."
"I can carry her back if need be," Ben said to Poe before turning his gaze to Rey. "What do you want, Rey?"
She wanted to turn back time to when her gut reaction to his presence was to attack him. It was easier fearing for her life than for her heart. She sighed. This whole attraction thing was stupid and distracting. Regardless, she definitely did not want him to think she was weak. "Keep training," she said. "I want to be prepared."
Ben raised an eyebrow at the others, as if inviting them to challenge her. Finn grumbled. "She still needs to eat."
Rey felt the wariness of Ben's attention through the force leave her mind. "Eat," he said. She stared blankly at her food, and Ben sighed at her side. "Do I need to do a force suggestion to make you eat?"
"Can you do that?" Rose asked.
Rey shook her head and said, "Not with me. It doesn't work on me, but force suggestions can work on others. I used a force suggestion on a stormtrooper to get him to free me on Starkiller Base."
Ben chuckled softly. "I wondered how you pulled that off. You really are amazing. You had shown no signs of force ability when I captured you on Takodana, and it was clear you had no idea what you were doing when you fought my interrogation and jumped into my mind. Now I learn that within the five minutes I was gone, you had discovered and successfully used a force suggestion. You will rival me when you reach the height of your powers."
"Wait, why haven't I heard of this?" Poe asked, clearly delighted at the news. "Rey, you invaded his mind when he tried to interrogate you?" Rey blushed at the implied praise and glanced to see her other friends' reactions, but Finn and Rose seemed more disturbed than pleased. "So does that happen often? Where two force users simultaneously try to invade each other's mind?"
Ben shook his head. "I had not heard of it happening before. I have wondered, since then, if perhaps that is the origin of our bond."
Rey glanced sharply at Ben. "But Snoke said…" Her voice faltered. Now that she thought about it, she really didn't have any reason to trust that Snoke had been telling the truth.
"It's very possible that the visions we had were true. After all, you came, and Snoke died as a result, freeing me to follow my own path," Ben said.
Rey studied him dubiously. At the time, she thought her vision had been of him as a Jedi. She had since decided that would be impossible for Ben. She wasn't even sure if being a Jedi was possible for her. The stories she had learned from Luke of calm warriors who never acted out of anger or passion were a far cry from her own turbulent personality. She examined the vision again and realized that he had become something neither dark nor light. In her vision, he had balance within him.
"So I'm just wondering here… these mental shields you're working on, would they block you from connecting through the bond?" Poe asked.
Ben shook his head. "No. My shields were up most of the times we connected previously. The bond slips right past them. I cannot read her emotions through the bond though."
"Fascinating," Poe said earnestly and glanced at Rey's plate. It was empty. Rey had no idea when she had started eating, but she felt better for it. "Well, since everyone's done. Let's head on back for now. Where will you be staying tonight, Ben?"
"With Rey," Ben said calmly as they stood up to leave.
Rey froze as a wave of emotions hit her, and she realized she could sense her friends' reactions now. Poe was amused, though he coughed to cover it. Rose felt concern and a touch of jealousy, though Rey had no clue what the jealousy was about. Finn was furious at Ben and worried for her, though she was surprised to realize he wasn't jealous. She had thought he would be. Maybe she had misunderstood everyone.
She realized after a moment that they were looking at her to respond, even Ben, though she could not read his feelings. "Why are you staying with me?" Rey asked him.
"To continue your training. I said earlier that you would need to learn to defend yourself even in your sleep."
The suspicion Rey immediately felt from the others nearly overwhelmed her, and she wondered if there was some way to turn off her ability to read others. She was more comfortable not knowing their thoughts, though it would have been a useful skill on Jakku.
As far as Ben's plan, she was not thrilled to continue the training or spend more time with him while her heart was hurting, but she knew defending herself was important, and the sooner she adjusted to her new reality with him, the sooner she could focus on their friendship again.
"Okay, everybody. Ben's staying with me. Let's go."
This chapter was a headache to write, given that it's from Rey's POV with a headache and lots on her mind. I did a lot of editing, but I have a feeling it could probably use more. Unfortunately, I hit the point at which I wasn't going to give this particular chapter more time. If it's really off, please let me know.
And yes, Rey completely misunderstood things from the previous chapter. Yay insecurities and poor communication mucking things up.
Unrelated, but I've had the Into the Woods song "No One Is Alone" stuck in my head while writing the last few chapters. To be fair, it's a pretty good song for the whole lonely Rey/Ben thing.
As always, please review.
