I've been sitting on this draft for who even knows how long at this point, so I figured it was time to go through it and publish it as a CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW CAR present for Roxanne.
"Not going to work today?" Wylie asked when Vega came out from her shower in casual clothing.
"Not until later. Kemper had her corrective procedure done last night and I'm going to see her. Cho said it might be good for her. I guess she's going to scar pretty bad and she's having a rough time of it." Vega shook her head. "I don't know how I'm supposed to help her. Our scars aren't visible. My only concern is my ability to do my job, I don't need a part of me no one but you sees to be aesthetically pleasing."
"A lot of people do, though," Wylie said. "And that's okay, you know."
"I know," Vega said quickly. "I'm not saying I'm better than her or anything. I just mean…I can't empathize."
"I'm sure she'll be glad to see you," Wylie said. "Oh, Angela called this morning before you got up…"
"I'll see you later," she said, rising on her tiptoes to kiss him. "Maybe I'll go crazy and make spaghetti tonight."
"Knock knock."
Vega was pleased at the smile that came over her coworker's face when she lifted her head. "Hey."
"How are you feeling, Theo?" Vega asked, walking over to the bed.
"Oh, I'm fine," she said. "They're releasing me today. I'll be back at work by the weekend."
"That's great," Vega said. She sat down in the chair and touched her stomach. "I was glad to be back to work. It was great to prove to myself that I could still do my job. Now, my stomach, oh gosh, it's not pretty, but I felt really proud when I was able to be happy with my body again. Body positivity is so important, and…"
"Vega," Kemper said, "I know what you're doing."
"What do you mean?" she asked, recognizing the incredibly fake tone in her own voice and cringing.
"Cho told you to come here and try to make me feel better, didn't he?"
"He might as well have sent Lisbon, I suppose."
"Look," Kemper said, "I appreciate it. But I've struggled with loving my body my whole life and I've found ways to handle it. I feel like crap now, but I promise you, I'll get over it." She smiled. "My body is the reason my kid exists and that makes it enough for me, most of the time. I just hate being in this hospital again."
"Tell me about it," Vega said. "When I was here yesterday, it was so hard to accept that once again…"
"You were in the hospital?" Kemper asked, looking concerned. "Were you hurt at work again?"
"No," Vega said, deciding to gloss over the incident, "we had a slight concern about the baby and they recommended a little bit of bedrest is all." She smirked in spite of herself. "And don't say it like that. It makes it sound like I'm perpetually getting hurt on the job."
"Baby?" Kemper said.
Vega realized this particular development was not one that Kemper had been enlightened to yet. "Oh. Yeah. I'm almost eight weeks pregnant."
Kemper's jaw dropped. "And I'm the last to know!"
Vega laughed. "Let me tell you, you're finding out early. When Wylie was visiting me at the FWTC, he'd been coming for gosh, I don't even know how long before he let it slip that Jane and Lisbon got married and were expecting Madeline. And Lisbon was already pregnant when I was shot."
"This is different!"
"Yes it is," Vega said. "Because I, for once, am not the last to know something!"
Kemper rolled her eyes.
She was sitting on the couch when Wylie got home. "How's Theo?" he asked. He wanted to ask why she'd never come into work that day, but he sensed it wasn't the time.
"She'll be okay," Vega said. "We had a good talk, ultimately."
"Good." He sniffed the air. "Spaghetti!"
"Told you!"
He smiled. "You okay?"
"Yep."
"You sure?" Wylie's eyes fell on the completely full plate in front of her. "You normally inhale that stuff."
"I'm fine," she said. "Just a little shook up from yesterday, I guess. Kemper's injury combined, it just sort of reminded me how easily something could happen to the baby while I'm at work, and I have no idea how Lisbon held it together and worked up until a few days before Mimi was born."
"You know…there was that phone call from Angela," Wylie said. "I'd told her that you hadn't been feeling well and that's why she hadn't heard from you. She said no pressure, but her position will need to be filled in the next two weeks and it's a lot sa…"
"I can't do it."
"What?"
Her hands were shaking as she aimlessly gestured. "I can't do it. I can't be there all the time." She pulled the afghan up over her knees and rocked back and forth, closing her eyes. "More hospitals, more sick people, that disgustingly sterile smell…I can't escape it. I'd say I can't make it my life but it already is and I can't let it take over my work because it's all I have and…" she stopped talking abruptly, pressing her lips together as tears leaked out.
"Hey hey hey," Wylie said quickly, dropping down next to her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I'm going to tell Cho that we need some time off."
"No," Vega protested. "If I can't even do my job…"
"Michelle," he said, softly, quietly, "the most responsible thing you can do is recognize when you need a break. Give yourself time. Allow yourself to recover to when you can come back and be the best FBI agent you can be, which is a hell of a lot better than most of us. If you get like this just by thinking about hospitals, you're not there emotionally right now and I think you know that. Hey," he said in a whisper. "I don't want to make you feel helpless. I'm not asking to let me take care of you. I just want you to take care of yourself."
She looked at him for a long time, her eyes unreadable. Then she sighed and closed them.
"Jay."
The word was spoken in defeat, in resigned, reluctant acceptance, and she crumpled against him, limp.
I know this may seem that I'm dragging out Vega's emotional pain. But one thing I've learned from my struggles with depression is sometimes you hit a low point, you manage to buid yourself up and think "now things will be better," but then you just hit another low. And Vega's had a lot to deal with the past few years, and they've all managed to come to a head in a couple of days. So she's really struggling right now.
