DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN CSI:NY OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS OBVIOUSLY.

A/N: OKAY….BRACE YOURSELVES FOLKS. THIS AN IS ABOUT TO CONTAIN CONTENT THAT SOME OF YOU MAY NOT HAVE EVER EXPECTED TO HEAR FROM ME. YOU MAY WANT TO SIT DOWN….

THIS CHAPTER IS FLACK/ANGELL CENTRIC. NO, IT'S NOT A BELATED APRIL FOOL'S JOKE. DO SOME OF YOU NEED SMELLING SALTS? A PAPER BAG TO BREATHE INTO? LOL. IT FEATURES NO ROMANCE AND WILL FEATURE NO ROMANCE. IT WILL BE STRICTLY PLATONIC BUT A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS AND QUESTIONABLE AT THE SAME TIME. I ASSURE YOU, FLACK WILL NOT CHEAT ON SAM AND THAT ANGELL IS BACK FOR THE LONG HAUL. YOU CAN ALL THANK HOPE4SALL FOR THIS SUDDEN CHANGE OF EVENTS. WE'RE CALLING IT THE ANGELL EPIPHANY. AND REST ASSURED, SHE'S NOT GOING TO CAUSE ANY PROBLEMS.

SO STRAP YOURSELVES IN AND ENJOY!

MUCH THANKS AND HUGS TO HEIDI FOR GIVING ME THE COURAGE TO EXPLORE THIS SIDE OF THINGS!

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO MY DEAR FRIEND RACHEL. WISH I WAS THERE TO SEE YOU THROUGH, HUN. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND I AM SENDING YOU HUGS AND LOVE.


What if's, what is

"Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed
You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I've had the best?
You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test
He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

You're the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson's learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!

Oh, won't you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay."
-Thinking of You, Katy Perry


Jessica Angell hated awkward silences.

Those pregnant pauses -sometimes staggeringly long and nerve wracking- that gave someone just way to much time to think. About where they were, where they'd been. The joyous yet often tumultuous moments that paved not just the road behind you, but the twisted and rocky paths that lay ahead. The smiles and the tears, the laughs and the heartache and the profound happiness and sometimes all consuming sorrow that you had shared with those that had once meant so much to you. Past loves that no matter how hard you tried to forget them, seemed to still lay claim to even the smallest part of your heart.

That one person that no matter how many others you sought love and affection -and more often the not just plain lust in- could always stir up feelings of both desire and rage. Who no matter how many came after, you'd never completely replace.

It was those memories and feelings and thoughts that she fought so hard to control as she and Flack strode down Lexington side by side. They hadn't spoken a word to each other since they'd left the station house. She had been fully aware of how all eyes -both curious and concerned- had zoned in on them the very moment that Flack had laid a gentle hand on the middle of her back in order to efficiently, and protectively, steer her through the chaotic precinct. It was a tender side that not many knew he possessed, but held them in awe once they experienced it. The big, bad homicide detective, with his often surly, abrasive disposition, had a wounded little boy vulnerability buried deep down inside.

During the months they'd spent together, he had, while seeking solace in her arms and her body after an emotionally and physically gruelling shift, bared his soul to her. Without having to ask, he'd opened up to her about his overwhelming desire -hell, obsession- to live up to his father's name. His struggle to come out from under his old man's shadow and make something of himself. Earn respect. Something he'd felt, despite high profile busts and not a blemish on his employee jacket, had alluded him for so long. He'd talked about his father's battle with the bottle and the abuse, both physical and mental, that he'd rained down on his wife and children. The pain and anger and resentment had been clearly evident in his voice. As had the tears that had sparkled in his eyes as he outwardly questioned what he'd ever done to warrant his father hating him THAT much.

Jess had done little more then lie next to him and listen intently. She'd hold his hand tightly; stroking his fingers lightly and pressing kisses to his palm. She'd reach up, compassion in her eyes and comb her fingers affectionately through his hair. And when -and it was rare- that the emotion of both his past and a tough day caught up to him and tears were actually spilt on his part, she'd tenderly wipe them off of his cheek with her fingertips or kiss away the salty drops.

And then she'd kiss him. And one long, lingering, soft kiss would turn into two. Two would become three and three would transform into four and then the comfort would come in the most pleasurable, intense way possible. Despite hating him for what he'd done in the end to her, Jess could still vividly remember the feel of his lips and the slick, erotic glide of his tongue against hers. She could still feel the tingling sensation that consumed her from head to toe as he trailed his fingertips lightly over every inch of her naked and quivering body. She could still feel the weight of his body over hers and smell his masculine, intoxicating scent. She could remember how the muscles in his back and shoulders and arms had felt under her hands. Still taste his sweat on her mouth. And she could, and would for as long as she lived, remember witnessing the intense desire that had taken over his face as she hovered above him, his entire body and soul submitting to her.

Don Flack had, she could admit and would admit only to herself, been the love of her life. A part of her would always love him. She'd never eradicated the memories of him fully from her mind. She had gone on and found love. But that was only after she'd struggled hard to overcome the mind numbing agony of betrayal and heartbreak that had found her a crumpled mess in the middle of her bedroom floor. Fully dressed, sobbing inconsolably and cursing him and the woman that had come between them. Jess had stayed in that position for an entire day. Watching the sunrise and hours later, observing it set.

It had taken months to accept her lot in life. To rebuild her self esteem. She had always prided herself in being a strong, independent woman. Rock hard. And she'd always vowed, even as a teenager, that she would never, ever allow a man, any man, to break her. But being dumped, especially for her dearest friend, had left her feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable and less than desirable. If Flack didn't want her, she was convinced no other man would.

Once she'd pulled herself out of her rut, and convinced herself that she was beautiful and desirable and that any would be lucky to have her, she was finally able to being putting the past behind her. But she'd never completely forget, nor would the pain every fully dissipate. Just as those feelings, although unrequited, would always remain. By exposing his tender and sensitive side, Flack had unknowingly brought those traits back into her own life. It was something she'd be forever grateful to him for. And by letting her go, Flack had taught her that love should never, ever be taken for granted or ignored.

She had, in Mark Powell, found the man she wanted always and forever with. He was nothing short of amazing. Insanely attractive, charming, intelligent. Attentive and passionate. He'd come into her life at a time when she'd needed someone the most. And she LOVED him. Desperately.

But at the same time…


What if's are a fucking bitch, Jess mused, as Flack yanked open the door to Speilman's, a quaint and quiet, family owned bakery/café that they had frequented at least three times a week while they were dating. The scent of freshly brewed coffee and home baked goods floated on the air as they entered the small establishment. The scents and the sights of the terracotta walls and the tan tiled floors and the wrought iron tables and chairs and abstract paintings on the walls bringing even more memories to the surface. Memories of peaceful mornings sipping lattes and nibbling chocolate croissants at a hidden away table at the back. Teasing, flirtatious conversation, the comfortable silence when he concentrated on the newspaper and she busied herself with a magazine.

I can't be the only one thinking about all of this, can I? Jess asked herself, as Flack led the way to a table in the middle of the restaurant. There must be something going through his mind. He is human. We did have some amazing times together. There's no way he can ignore memories like that is there? He must be feeling…something.

She doubted he felt anything for her per say. He'd gone on with his life admirably. He was disgustingly happy and deeply, head over heels in love. He was with the woman he'd wanted all along and who had alluded him from the very beginning. He had worked damn hard to get her and now that the prize was in his grasp, there was no way in hell he was ever letting it go. She had seen at the hockey game, when they'd met up that first time after their break up outside the dressing room, how Flack's eyes had sparkled and his face softened when he talked about Samantha. She also knew they were living together now. A huge step for Flack who had always insisted they keep their own when they were dating. He hadn't liked the finality of moving in together. He'd always wanted a place to go and be alone if things got bad.

He's over you Jess, she told herself, as she cast a glance at him and found his face completely emotionless. He feels nothing for you and he never will again. And you've got Mark and you just need to let go. Resign yourself to the fact that you and Don are travelling down two entirely different paths in your lives.

"Brings back some memories, huh?" Flack asked, breaking the silence at last as he pulled out one of the chairs and motioned for Jess to have a seat.

"A few," she casually replied, as she shrugged out of her jacket and draped it across the back of the chair before sitting down. "We had some really good times here."

"We had some really good times in general," he gently corrected her.

Jess blinked. Surprised at the words that had just tumbled so easily out of his mouth. She attempted to remain as emotionless and unaffected as possible as she reached for the menus sitting in a small pewter holder to her left. She tossed one at his place as he shed his suit jacket and draped it over his chair and sat down across from her, and snapped the second menu open in front of her.

"I was surprised when you called," she commented, tucking hair behind her left ear, her eyes never leaving the menu. "When I first saw your number on the call display I was just going to pick up, tell you to piss off in way of greeting and hang up."

"And I would have deserved that," he admitted. "You know…considering…"

"Considering you dumped me for my best friend and admitted to me once I confronted you about it afterwards that you'd had feelings for her for the last half of our relationship?" Jess finished.

He sighed heavily and gave the young waitress a tense smile as she arrived at their table to drop off a small wicker basket full of individual creamers and milkettes and packages of sugar and Sweet and Lo and fill their over-sized porcelain mugs with steaming, complimentary coffee. "I guess I could have handled things a lot better then what I did," he said, dismissing he waitress with a curt nod before leaning sideways and grabbing two sweetener packages and dropping them in front of his ex girlfriend.

"You guess?" she asked, then picking up one of the yellow packets, arched an eyebrow. "How long did we work together?" she inquired. "Almost three years? And we dated for nearly a year? All of that time spent together and numerous coffee dates and you could never get it that I take normal sugar?"

"Just one of them things I never paid much attention to," he replied, giving a shrug.

"Yeah…but I bet with Sam you know every little single detail," Jess smirked, and slipping the sweetener back into its basket, selected a package of sugar instead. "How many strokes she uses when she brushes her hair. How long it takes her to brush her teeth. Exactly how she takes her tea. I bet none of that is lost on you when it comes to her."

"Jess…I've already apologized a thousand times. What more do you want me to say? What more do you want me to do? Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and grovel for forgiveness? Do you want me to kiss your ass? I said I was sorry. I meant it. I never should have handled….us…the way I did. At least not the demise of us, anyway."

"You never should have fallen in love with my friend. But that's neither here nor there, is it. It happened. We can't go back and change it now. You handled it the best way you thought you possible and I feel that you were a complete ass for stringing me along for as long as you did. I mean, you could have just told me, Don. You could have just been upfront and honest and told me how you felt about her. I would have been pissed and I would have been hurt. But at least I could have…" she sighed heavily, and tearing the package open, dumped her sugar in her coffee before stirring it noisily with her spoon. "I could have dealt with it a lot better had you just told me and not lied for so long."

"I never lied to you," he said. "I did have feelings for you. I was in love with you. Don't ever doubt that."

"But you had feelings for her. Stronger feelings, right? And I bet the love that you have for Sam is a hundred times more powerful then what you ever felt for me. Right?"

"Jessie…just listen to me…"

"You loved me at the time," she said. "Or knowing what you know now and feel now, you thought you loved me at the time. You used me, Don. You used me and held on to me to get to her. Because without me you knew you wouldn't be able to get as close to her."

He contemplated her words for several long seconds and then nodded slowly and reluctantly. "I'm sorry, Jessie…" he said, sincerity in his eyes and in his voice. "I'm sorry that I hurt you as much as I did. I should have been honest with you. I should have just manned up to how I was feeling about Sam and ended things with you. But I didn't and I'm a first class bastard for that. But I can't take it back."

"You know what I'm really sorry about?" she asked.

Flack shook his head.

"I lost an amazing friend because of you. Losing that bond with Sam…it was like losing part of myself and not having the courage or strength to get it back. We were so close. You know that. We were this awesome force in and out of work. I was closer to her than my own family. We told each other things that we never told anyone else. We were always there for each other no matter what. And then you…" she shook her head. "You just fucked all of that up."

"Jess, I never…"

"I blame you for that," she continued. "Solely you. Because you were the one that used me. That carried these feelings for my friend while professing your undying devotion to me. Sam may have had feelings for you, but she never acted on them. She respected me enough to realize how happy I was and she backed off. But you? You hung on to me in order to get closer to her. She had no idea what you were up to until you showed up that night on her doorstep after dumping me."

Flack didn't respond. There was nothing to say. He was long out of excuses and every word spilling out of her move was the truth. And hearing it with his own two years and owning up to what he'd done to hear was humbling. And he was ashamed and sickened that he'd treated another human being that way.

"Is it true that she wanted to tell me?" she asked. "That you were the one hedging on it?"

He nodded. "I just…I wasn't ready to deal with that yet. And I was trying to protect her. From your reaction. And maybe…I don't know…maybe I was worried about what would get said between the two of you and she wouldn't want to be with me anymore."

She laughed at that. "What did you honestly think I was going to tell her, Don? What deep, dark secret did you share with me that would tarnish her image of you? Aside from the extremely bad judgement you had with me, I mean. You're an amazing guy. In retrospect, I can look back and say we had some great times. You treated me like a princess. Even if I always didn't deserve it. And I know I was pissed off and that part of me still hates you, but I wouldn't purposefully destroy your life by making up nasty shit about you. How callous do you think I am?"

"Well…" he sipped his coffee and chose his words carefully. "Considering what you said to Sam after she told you about us…"

"I lashed out," Jess reasoned. "I was hurt and I reacted. Badly. I never should have said what I did. About how she deserved that asshole Zack. Or called her a home wrecking slut. And trust me, I've wanted to take that all back. But I can't."

"She missed you, Jessie," Flack told her. "She misses you even now. You have no idea how many times she's wanted to call you but was too afraid to. And honestly, I think I felt threatened by it."

"Look Don," she sighed, her eyes downcast as she absentmindedly smoothed the wrinkles out of a napkin laid out on the table in front of her. "We can sit here and tall about what we should have done and how we should have handled things. Truth of the matter is that all of that is the past. And that's where it belongs. In the past. And when you called me and said you needed to talk to me about Sam, well if you hadn't have said that, I would have told you where to go and how to get there. And not politely either. I'm not here for you. Or for me. I'm here for her. Plain and simple."

Flack nodded slowly.


"So…" Jess cleared her throat noisily and cupping both hands around her mug, lifted it to her lips. Blowing on the steaming beverage before taking a tentative sip. "What's going?" she asked. "You sounded upset."

"I need your help," he replied. "With Sam."

"What kind of help?" she inquired. "Is she sick?"

"I don't know…I guess so…maybe…"

"I can only help you if you start making sense. What's going on?"

"You remember when you told me when we were going out that Sam was going through some things. How you used to spend a lot of time over at her place or taking her out places. And how you were the only one she ever wanted around?"

She nodded.

"And when you confronted me after the blow out you and Sammie had you warned me about how crazy and unstable she was?"

"I just said that because I was pissed off," Jess defended herself. "I never meant that…"

"Well she's going through some heavy duty shit right now and I'm trying to make sense of it. Trying to take care of her. I've talked to her step dad about it, I'm waiting on a call back from Hawkes so I can run some things past him. But I feel…helpless. Like I could do so much more but at the same time I don't know exactly what it is I should be doing. And I figured, seeing as you dealt with it before…"

Her eyes briefly left his as she spied the waitress heading over to take their order. She simply shook her head at the young woman, dismissing her. "What about Lindsay?" she asked, trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "I thought she and Sam were besties."

"They are. And Lindsay's been really good about helping out. She stayed with Sammie last night while I went and talked to Sam's step dad. But you know how she can get. When she gets in her moods. She can get downright nasty and violent. And I just don't think that Lindsay can handle that if the situation came up."

"Sam would easily knock her on her ass," Jess concluded.

"Well…that and I worry about what the stress of putting up with Sam will do to her. I don't want anything to happening to her baby."

Her eyes narrowed. "Whose baby?" she asked. "You and Sam are having a baby?"

"What? No. That's a firm, definite no. Sam and I are nowhere near ready to have a baby. We've already had that whole conversation and we decided until we get our shit together, we're not torturing a kid by bringing them into our insanity. Lindsay's having a baby. Her and Messer just found out. And he's already spooked every time she so as much sneezes or coughs too hard. He's major paranoid about something happening to the kid, and honestly, I don't want to put that kind of burden on Linds. Not while she's pregnant. I'd hate for something to happen to the baby. So I'd feel better if the two of them just stayed out of it from here on out."

She nodded and sipped her coffee. "A Messer-Monroe offspring huh? So I guess both of them obviously skipped school the day sex ed was taught or feel asleep in class just as the teacher got to the part where they put the condom on the banana."

Flack couldn't help but smirk.

"Well that's one kid I seriously hope will look like it's mother," she said. "Good for them, though. Things are finally going well for them. I guess you can only give the guy the brush off for so long before you finally need to make up your mind if you really want him or not."

"Jess…come on…I know you're not the biggest Danny and Lindsay fan. And everyone has a right to their opinion. But they're both trying. Cut them a little slack."

She held her hands up in surrender and leaned back in her chair. "So Lindsay's in a delicate condition and couldn't handle Sam if she got out of hand. And if you were to do it, you'd be charged with domestic assault. So what you're saying is that you need someone that can hold their own against her. Or drop her if need be."

"What I'm saying is that you and her were best friends and she misses you. And you've dealt with this before and I trust you to be able to deal with it again. I wouldn't be here, asking you for help if I didn't think you could handle Sam. Effectively. And preferably non-violently. She needs someone that's gentle and patient, but who can turn around and tell it like it is. I trust you. I always have. And I trust you with Sammie."

Jess nodded slowly and fingered the simple platinum rope bracelet she sported on her left wrist. "I'll help you," she said, raising her eyes to meet Flack's. "But it's only going to work if I do things my way. If I deal with her exactly the way I did before. I don't take any shit, Don. She's not going to pull this sulky, despondent crap with me. Because letting her be that way? Humouring her? You're not going to solve a damn thing. The longer you coddle her, the longer this will go on. She's not going to snap out of it or even agree to help if you baby her. So I handle Sam my way. Sound like a plan?"

"Do I have a choice?" he asked.

"Do you want my help or not?" she inquired. "I know what I'm doing. You said you trust me? Well show me how much you do. Starting right now."

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Jesus Don. I'm not asking permission to torture her or anything. It's not like I'm going to go into this to beat the living shit out of her. I want to help her. And trust me, it helped the way I was doing things before. So you're either with me, or against me."

He closed his eyes briefly and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "I'm with you," he said at long last.

She smiled, and leaning forward, laid her hand on his left forearm as it rested on top of the table. "It's going to be okay…" she assured him, as her hand drifted down his arm and over his wrist. The tips of her fingers gliding against the top of his hand. "Things will be okay."

He nodded and ran a hand over his face. Then as if realizing they were making physical contact, yanked his hand away from hers.

"Don…" she backed away. "I never…"

"It's okay…it's just…last thing I need is relationship problems. And I can just imagine the gossip that's already made its way up to the crime lab when people saw us together."

"That's all it is though," she said. "Gossip. And God knows the people around there love to gossip."

He nodded in agreement. "I just…I don't want to give Sam anymore reason to freak out. Thank God she called in sick today, or she'd be calling me every five seconds reaming me out for being with another woman. She's insecure enough. I don't want need to be giving her a reason to think I'm doing anything wrong."

"Well you're not doing anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with needing help from a friend. I mean, don't get me wrong. What we had was really, really good, Don. And there's time I wonder what if and all of that. But Mark…I'm wildly and crazily in love with him. He's feeling like my forever. And you and I…I don't think that was ever going to happen with us. Do you?"

"Honestly?" he gave a shrug. "I don't know. I guess there were a few times I thought long term. Like happily ever after long term."

Her eyebrows arched. "Really?"

"You sound surprised," he said.

"I am. I mean, considering how things I ended I never thought…"

"I did love you," he told her. "Regardless of what you think. I did love you. And there were times I seriously considered forever with you. We just never…I don't know. We just never got there, I guess. Life had different plans for us. We weren't meant to be. Sammie's my forever. I can say that without a doubt in my mind of my heart. And I'm glad that you found a guy that treats you better then I ever could."

"You still love selling yourself short, don't you," she stated.

He gave a smile of his own. "I'm happy for you Jessie. And I really hope that you have found your forever."

"I hope so too," she said. "And I hope that you and Sammie…despite what I may have said or thought at the time…I hope that the two of you get your happily ever after."

"Yeah…" he gave a heavy sigh. "I hope so too."

"You will," she promised. "And let's face it, this has to be it for you, Don. Three strikes and you're out. Devon, me, now Sam. You don't knock this one out of the park and it's game over."

"Since when do you give the sports anaologies," he chuckled. "This coming from a girl I couldn't pay to watch the Mets or the Rangers with me."

"Well let's just say I've met someone even more obsessed than you," Jess laughed as well. "So you know what that means? I'm either a hockey or a baseball widow. But at least he doesn't own NHL underwear. We'll leave that tacky stuff to a certain homicide detective I know."

Flack grinned. "I retired those a long time ago. You're the only one who knows about them."

"Yeah? Does anyone else know about your penchant for being handcuffed to the headboard?"

He flushed slightly. "That was once," he reminded her. "And you only did it so I couldn't answer my phone."

"Oh trust me, I was five seconds away from cuffing the other hand and…"

Her sentence was brought to an abrupt end as the shrill ring of his cell phone interrupted their flirtatious, innocent bantering.

"Just give me a second here," Flack said, and reaching into the left pocket of his suit jacket, pulled out his cell phone. A slight frown replacing his smile as he took a look at the call display.

"I see business still manages to get in the way of pleasure," Jess chided, as she sipped at her coffee and watched as he pushed his chair away from the table and stood up.

"Some things never change," Flack mused. "Excuse me…I have to take this."

She nodded, her eyes remaining on him the entire time as he moved away from the table and situated himself several feet away, his back towards her.

There was something so…incredibly sexy about the man. Even when he was doing something so simple as talking on the phone. Maybe it was his deep, authoritative voice. Or the brooding look that came over his face when dealing with business, the frown that wrinkled his forehead and the way his eyes darkened. Perhaps it was the way his broad shoulders were so squarely set.

Or maybe it was because she had seen, and loved both sides of the man. The tough, aggressive, 'take no shit' side, and the surprisingly tender and passionate one. She had seen those strong, large hands manhandle a perp and then very skilfully, just hours later, expertly bring her to heights of a pleasure she'd never experienced before him.

Stop, Jess ordered herself. Just stop. You don't want him. He doesn't want you. You're just letting old feeling come into play here. Do yourself a favour and kick them the hell out. Get on with your life.

Why was that always so easier said then done?

"Sorry about that," Flack said, snapping his phone closed as he returned to the table. "I hate to cut short our re-connecting, but…"

"You have to go," she concluded.

He nodded, and scooping up his suit jacket, shrugged into it. "One of my new guys needs my help with something back at the station. You want a lift back or…"

"I took the subway from Mark's place and I've got some errands to run," she responded, downing her coffee and getting to her feet as well. "You can walk me to the station up the street," she told him as she reached for her jacket. "If you want to," she added quickly.

"I want to," he said, and reached for her coat before she could slip into it.

Their fingertips touched briefly. Jess tried hard to suppress the sharp intake of breath that rush out of her as electricity passed through her. She'd always thought that it was fodder for cheesy romance novels. An undeniable spark that could pass between two people through simple glances or touches. But there it was. There it STILL was to be exact. The first time she'd ever experienced it had been that day, more than two years ago, when sitting in Flack's squad car while trailing Amber Stanton. They'd talked about their respective families and Flack had teased her about whether or not she was dusted for prints after she came home from dates when she was younger seeing as she had a detective Sargent for a father and four older brothers. She had shot back that if had have been up to them, she wouldn't have known boys existed until she was twenty one.

"I'm sure the boys knew you existed," he'd responded.

The words had been simple and delivered so calmly and casually. But there'd been something behind them. She had picked up on it in his tone. Had seen it in his eyes. Of course she hadn't been able to resist calling him on his attempts to bust his game on her. And she'd been somewhat taken back, but ultimately pleased with herself, when she'd managed to get a bashful grin out of him and bring a noticeable flush to his cheeks.

It was the first time she'd ever seen THAT smile. A genuine smile that crinkled the corners of his sparkling blue eyes. That made him look years younger. Less troubled and more at ease.

She loved THAT smile. She still did. And she missed it.

"Let me help you with that," Flack said, his voice quiet, snapping her out of her reverie.

She wasn't sure if he'd felt anything at that innocent touch. Searching his eyes with her own, she saw…nothing. He was emotionless. He wasn't feeling the same things, nor was he troubled by memories of what had been, and what could have been.

She gave a smile and nodded, allowing him to help her into her jacket. She could smell his aftershave as he stood behind her. She felt his strong hands on her shoulders and his warm breath against the back of her head.

"We should go," he said and backed away.

"We should," she agreed.

And I should let go, she thought and turned for the exit.


The sun was bright in a vivid blue sky. It's golden rays were warm and soothing and the soft breeze that wafted through the streets was refreshing as they headed, once again in silence, to the subway station two blocks away.

A take out cup of coffee in one hand, Flack reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket with the other, and pulling out a pair of sunglasses, slipped them onto his face. Beside him, nibbling on a blueberry muffin she'd purchased before leaving the café, Jess suddenly gave a warm laugh.

"What's so funny?" he asked, glancing at her.

"I was just thinking about that time we went to Coney Island and you won me that massive stuffed panda bear," she replied.

Flack grinned. "The one that took me dropping thirty bucks at that stupid pitching game just 'cause you had to have it?"

"It's not my fault baseball isn't your sport," she teased. "Had I known your pitching game was just as bad your flirting and mating game…"

"Hey…easy…easy…my game is obviously not THAT bad. I've got an amazingly sexy, beautiful incredible girl waiting for me at home that obviously thinks my game works just fine."

Jess cursed herself inwardly for allowing herself to feel hurt by the simple mention of his girlfriend. He was head over hells with Sam Any moron could see that. And she certainly wasn't going to stand in his way. Or toss away a second chance at an incredible friendship with Sam because of her feelings for Flack.

"And it landed you, didn't it?" Flack teased. "So it can't be that bad."

She grinned.

"But yeah…I remember that bear," he said. "Didn't you give him a name? Fluffy? Floppy? Fuzzy?"

"Freddie," she admitted, a flush creeping into her cheeks.

"Can't believe you name your stuffed animals. Or that you even have stuffed animals," he said, chuckling and shaking his head. "Or that you had the nerve to let that damn thing take up my side of the bed."

"It was one!" she laughed and elbowed him playfully in the side. "Once! You were working a triple and I didn't like sleeping alone! So I just thought…I don't know…I thought considering you and Freddie both have the same amount of body hair…"

Flack smirked. "You're so harsh, Jessie."

"I'm just teasing you. I just put him in the bed so I wouldn't feel so lonely. So that I'd feel that presence beside me. I still have him you know."

"Frankie?"

"Freddie," she sighed exasperatedly. "He's taking up space in my closet. Lots of space. Mark's always on me to get rid of it."

"Maybe you should," Flack suggested. "Get rid of it. Sometimes we have to do that. Get rid of things that reminds us of certain people. Certain moments. Comes a time when we need to put things behind us so we can get on with the future."

Busted, she thought. Then bit her bottom lip nervously. "That obvious, huh?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Just a bit," Flack replied.

She sighed and picked at the muffin in her hands. Embarrassed that she'd been outed.

"Look Jess…" he began gently. "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you at I don't feel anything for you. 'Cause I do. How can I not? You're an insanely beautiful, alluring woman that any red blooded guy would kill to be with. But…I don't want to be with you."

She nodded slowly. The words were spoken with compassion and she had expected them. But they still stung.

"There's an attraction and I feel that," Flack continued. "But it's not enough to make me want to give up my life now. I love Sammie. I never thought I could love another human being this much. And she's…she's my world. My future. And you…the ex girlfriend part of you…that's my history. And it's never going to part of my present. Ever."

"You always did practice brutal honesty," Jess said miserably. "I guess it just takes some people longer to learn to let go. And I'm sorry. If I've made you feel uncomfortable."

"You didn't," he assured her.

She stared pointedly at him.

"Okay so maybe you did," he grinned. "But just a little," he added, nudging her arm with his elbow.

They stopped at the top of the stairs leading down into the subway. Flack sipped at his coffee while Jess tucked the muffin back into the small paper bag in her hands before shoving it into her satchel style purse. Reaching up to the top of her head where her stylish sunglasses rested, she pulled them down onto her face.

"Don…I…"

"You asked me earlier if I ever wondered about what if's," he said. "And truthfully…yeah…sometimes I do. Sometimes I wonder how far we would have gotten. Where we'd be now, five years from now, ten years from now. If we'd even still be together then. I think it's human nature. I think we all wonder that about certain moments and certain people in our lives. What if we'd done this or said that and so on and so on. And you know what I think?"

Jess shook her head.

"I think what if's exist to make us realize how much we love our lives now. And the people in it."

She smiled.

"Thanks for coming to see me," Flack told her. "And for agreeing to help Sam."

"Thanks for calling me. If I'd known sooner she was dealing with the depression again, I would have been there in a heartbeat."

"I know," he said. Then leaned over and kissed her cheek softly. "We'll talk soon," he promised, then backed away from her and turning on his heel, started off down the sidewalk in the direction of where he'd parked his squad.

"Hey Don!" Jess called to him.

He stopped and turned towards her.

"I gotta say. Your game? It's definitely improving!"

He smiled and shook his head.

God that boy is beautiful when he smiles, she thought.

"See ya!" he yelled in return, giving a small wave before turning his back on her once again.

She sighed and watched him as he went. Admiring the confident, almost cocky way in which he carried himself. Noticing -and finding it appealing- the way his hair was cropped extremely close to his head, playing up the premature grey. He was an incredibly handsome man. No woman in their right mind would ever deny that.

Jess was horrified by the sudden sting of tears in her eyes and the lump of raw emotion that threatened to choke her.

You'll be okay, she assured herself. You love your life. The man in your life. You're just dealing with the past and putting it behind you. It's painful but necessary. You'll be okay.

And for the first time since that heartbreaking night in November, as she steeled herself and turned and headed down the stairs to the subway, Jessica Angell truly felt confident with those words.

And with herself.


Thanks to everyone that is reading and reviewing! I appreciate all of the support and great feedback and even the ideas that some of you have tossed my way! So thanks to all of you and all of the lurkers! I hope you all keep enjoying this! It's my baby at the moment!

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