Thank you ADD Kyuubi Naruto, la generala, Super Goat Grl, QuinKilo1055, Mysterygal3189, Booklover13 and Fallen Dragonfly for your reviews. I am sure you know already what you are in for with this chapter. I've really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you enjoy it too.


Chapter Twenty-Five - Crazy Lady(s)

As escapes went, Link's efforts were pretty pathetic. Sure, Sheik's body possessed ninja like dexterity, balance and speed and indeed, he did manage to run up a wall, somersault over an roof beam and land in a classic kneeling pose all in the space of ten seconds. And yes, it was impressive. Link's problem, however, was his insatiable desire to show off.

Given the acrobatic feat he had just demonstrated, a sane person would be content to sit atop that silvery beam, gloating and grinning down on his would be captors. Alas, Link could not claim complete sanity as one of his virtues. He just had to cavort along the beam, cartwheeling, flipping and walking on his hands, just to show the Fish Princess Ruto how great he was.

It certainly rattled her cage. She stood underneath the beam where he was practising his gymnastics and glared at him. "Please come down, Sheiky." She begged, cajoling him with her eyes.

"No!" Retorted Link, hanging upside down from his knees.

"Please?"

"Not a chance!"

"GET DOWN HERE NOW!"

"Make me!" Said Link, sticking his tongue out whilst doing a one-handed hand stand with both kicked out above him. He grinned at Ruto and then...

PLOP!

Ruto squealed in delight. "Yay for giant Zora poking sticks!" She yelled, dancing around in a tingle-esque manner. She hugged the dutiful guard who had butted Link off his perch, mid-pose, with the blunt end of his spear. Ruto clapped her hands and turned to her father, "See, I told you arming the guards with Poking Sticks would come in handy, teehee!" Her cod-like father nodded his head wisely and indicated his approval of the guard by clapping his flipper-like hands together loudly. "Ger-guugglle-sniggle-plock?" Asked the Zora King.

"Has Sheiky drowned? Oh no, he'll be fine. Guards!" Ruto patted her father's head and skipped back to the pond to watch the recovery operation. She was giggling still.

Fortunately for Link, his posing platform had been situated directly above the deep hot spring that bubbled in the centre of the throne room (which incidentally was actually rather cold – too hot and the fish-like Zora would have found themselves served as a delicacy at the next royal feast alongside the Lobster). More fortunate still, his fall was broken by the dozen or so self-sacrificing Zora that hadn't managed to swim out of his way in time. It was these same helpful individuals that had grabbed him and hauled – I mean – helped, him out of the pond and subsequently dragged – I mean aided his failing steps – back to his blushing fiancée's side.

Ruto sighed happily and hopped off the stone dais that served as her throne. "Aw you're even cuter when you're all wet, Sheiky." She purred as she threw herself on him, safe in the knowledge that twelve of her devoted followers were holding the hapless man firmly in place. The force of the impact almost knocked Link off his feet and he began to choke as Ruto bounced up and down with excitement, whilst dangling her self around his neck, yelling "Sheikeeeeeeeeeeeee! Sheikkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeee! I Loooooooooooooovvvvvvvve Sheiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkeeeeeeeeee" and then suddenly she stopped.

Amazed to find he could finally breath again, Link cautiously opened one eye. Ruto was stood a hair's breadth away from him, gazing adoringly at him. She grinned. "Oo, your eyes are so red and sparkly, Sheiky..." and then she puckered her lips.

Link made a valiant effort to escape, but against twelve Zora and one hyperactive princess intent on ravaging him, even his legendary skills could not help him escape. He began to wish his training for being a fearless knight had included how to deal with hormonal Zora Princesses.

"Bah, this stupid scarf won't come off!" Screamed Ruto, tugging ruthlessly at the white wrap that covered the lower half of his face. Apart from the fact that he was now being choked for the second time that day, Link thanked every god he could think of for that wonderfully impractical sheikah armour he wore. "Ah well," Said Ruto, giving the white scarf one final tug, which made Link choke, "I'll just kiss ya through it. Pucker up, husband..."

"Eep." He whispered, grimacing and screwing his eyes shut.

The world went quiet and then Ruto squealed again.

The next instant, all the arms holding him suddenly vanished, Ruto's included. Link dropped to the floor in an untidy heap, gasping for breath and hoping to wake up any moment from his nightmare. It took him a while for his disoriented (and rather shell-shocked) senses to right themselves. He groaned when he realised he hadn't by some miracle escaped Ruto's clutches. He was still in the Zora throne room. King Zora was still sat on his throne (sucking one of his hands by the looks of it) and the room was filled with excited chatter (and Ruto's loud exclamations of surprise). Link sluggishly raised his head to see what the commotion was. He blinked in surprise.

At the room's entrance were two people he had not expected to see. Nabooru and Ganondorf.

"Double Eep." Thought Link, contemplating running up another wall. He wasn't particularly afraid of Ganondorf, and it was unlikely either of them would recognise him as being Link. Well it was highly probable they wouldn't, given that he was currently in Zelda's alter-ego's body but they might recognise the sheikah gear. So the idea was he had to escape without being spotted.

'Ah, Deku Nuts!' Thought Link, remembering a lesson of his long forgotten youth. Sheikah used Deku Nuts to magically vanish into thin air. He had read it in a comic book once. The only problem with that was that he didn't have any with him and monsters were very good these days and never strayed into towns without permission. That was his one idea out the window then. He answered the problem in typical Link style. He said a very naughty word a little louder than he had intended.

He did not immediately notice that everybody had stopped talking, turned around and was staring at him, shocked that such a rude word could come out of such a nice looking boy. Even Ganondorf and Nabooru were staring at him as if they couldn't believe their ears. Only one person (besides the Zora King who was happy to have learn a new Hylian word and was repeating it to himself, sniggering) was not shocked. Ruto clasped her hands to her breast, her lilac eyes sparkled and the pupils went all big. "Oh, I love it when you talk dirty, Sheikykins."

"Sheikykins?" Ganondorf was momentarily distracted from his glaring by this endearment. He exchanged a glance with Nabooru and cast another look at 'Sheikykins'. They both smiled. "My dear Ruto..." He began, before being rudely interrupted by Ruto who objected loudly to him calling her dear (she was only dear to her darling Sheiky, only he could use such endearments from now on). "Whatever." Said Ganondorf, "I think you'll find that this 'boy' is actually a girl."

"W-H-A-T?"

"It is actually Zelda." Explained Ganondorf, ignoring the fatal look in Ruto's eyes and the way she was motioning to her guards to advance on him with Zora Poking Sticks at the ready. "Watch, I'll prove it! Nabs!"

His right hand woman bowed to him, making a few of the Zora men smirk, and slowly advanced on the hapless Link (although he visibly brightened up when he saw Nabooru approaching, this was because she was wearing an outfit that was only a quarter modest). She grabbed his wrist and dragged him to his feet.

"Now then..." She said, jerking his wrist so that his hand hovered over her breast.

Link couldn't help it. His hand was on reflex. Seeing so much bosom so inadequately covered and so close at hand he just had to have a little...touch... he smirked and murmured. "Nice Squidy-goodness."

"Okay, he's a boy." Snapped Nabooru, wrenching Link's hand away from her person and throwing him to the floor. She marched back to Ganondorf, cheeks slightly pink and her eyes flashing magnificently. Really the things she was forced to do...!

"Ooops, my mistake." Said Ganondorf, patting her shoulder consolingly. "Er, sorry Ruto. Hey wait, what am I apologising for? I am the King of Hyrule and I came here for a reason, not to establish whether your boyfriend was actually a boy. Although, it was a bit of a talk show moment...you know like 'Malon Lonlonlon', every weekday on Seeing Stone One at noon. How I love Malon. She's so pretty and sassy and smart and..."

"Sire, please..." Whispered Nabooru, poking him slightly in the ribs.

"...she really tells it like it is. My favourite bit after the arguments and chair throwing and security getting involved and the crying and making up and Malon giving them what for and telling it like it is, is the end of the show when they get the lie detector test results in, unless its a makeover show but those are just boring, I mean half the time they look worse, but anyway, then she stands there with the envelope and is all like 'okay folks, the results are in!' Sheik is a'...long pause for effect...'he was telling the truth he is a boy' see its just like today, or am I thinking of..."

"My Lord!" Muttered Nabooru, trying to catch his attention before he relapsed into a seeing-stone related dream.

"...that pilot episode of 'Lies and Fibs' where the hero is actually a girl but dressed up as a boy and then fell in love with a boy who liked boys so she had to pretend to be a boy so he'd like her still but then he turned out to be a girl who liked girls but then she couldn't remember if she was a girl or a boy and then they...

"GANONDORF!" Nabooru pinched his arm and he snapped back into the real world. He saw the sea of shocked faces before him and grinned sheepishly.

"King Ganondorf is going to explore the forbidden caves." Announced Nabooru, quelling the Zora's quiet laughter with glares all round. "You will grant us access and give us supplies and..."

"Gloop Gleeblee!" Exclaimed King Zora.

"What did he say?" Asked Nabooru.

"He said 'Why on earth would you want to explore those dingy old caves? There's nothing down there but that scary monster that's why we shut them off years ago." Explained Ruto kindly.

"That's why we're here." Said Ganondorf, sounding as if he was talking to a very stupid six year old. "You see we're after these special keys, apparently your monster has one. Aganhim told us so. With this key Aganhim is going to help me unlock a certain treasure I stole from the Calatians and once it is awakened, the goddess within shall give me her power and with it I will first destroy Hyrule, or at least I'll get rid of stupid Impa, and then I shall take over the world mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha...eep."

The eep noise that prematurely concluded his maniac laughter was thanks to Nabooru who felt he had said far too much about their plans really. She kicked him in the shin.

"What King Ganondorf means is that we are going monster hunting. Our reasons are no concern of yours." The majority of this conversation seemed to be directed at her King.

"Splock Plip Plop Gibblewich." Said the King.

"Daddy says, 'Fools.'"

"Well tell your daddy if he doesn't let us go into the caves I'll freeze the Zora domain over. Again." Threatened Ganondorf. This earned a nod of approval from his henchwoman.

"Wow, that's original." Sniggered Ruto. "That happens at least once every game...I mean generation. We're used to that now." She saw the sparkling look of absolute irritation on Ganondorf's face and giggled nervously, "But of course we'll give you access to the caves, won't we, Daddy?"

"Schnickle-Schnakle." Said the Zora King, from nowhere he produced a huge golden key. "Blip Blop Plip Plop Mip Mop Drip Drop glooble gin figgidy flulely pip."

"This is the master key, it'll open any door in the dungeon, I mean cave. Oh and here's the map so you don't get lost. Good Luck, King Ganondorf." Ruto handed the key and map over to Ganondorf with a curtsey and a highly flirtatious grin that set Nabooru's teeth on edge.

Link watched the proceeds with a bemused look. "You mean there's a key that opens every door in the caves? And a map? And it's kept here?"

"Well of course, sweetie." Said Ruto. "Every monster-infested dungeon has a master key! How else could people check on the lighting, ventilation and general condition of the place in between intrepid explorers ransacking it? You can't be too safe in these safety conscious days you know! You don't expect people to actually wander around for hours and hours looking for keys and solving puzzles just so they can change a light bulb on the eight floor, do you?"

Link groaned and pulled the lock of yellow hair that hung in front of his eyes violently. The pain made him feel a little better. "Why was I not told this?" He moaned.

"Why would you want to know?" Asked Nabooru, suspiciously.

Link suddenly remembered his company. Desperate times called for desperate measures. He grabbed Ruto around the waist and pulled her to his hip. Ruto squeaked with delight. "Eheheh, I was just thinking of taking my beautiful fiancée Ruto for a nice dungeon crawl one day and knowing that there's actually a master key and map already here kinda spoils the joy, you know?."

"O...kay..." Said Nabooru, scratching her head. "Er, anyway, we'd better be off now. A pleasure as always, Princess Ruto. King Zora."

"Gurble Piddle Folop." Replied King Zora bowed regally. In fact, he bowed so regally and so low that his whole huge body suddenly toppled forward off his throne. He landed with a splash in the pond. "Ferluck." Said King Zora making good use of his new Hylian word.

"Er, caves are that way." Said Ruto, pointing to the hole in the grating behind the throne so recently vacated by the ungainly king. She gazed down at her father and grimaced. "Er, we're gonna need some poking sticks here! STAT!"

"Tatty bye!" Called Ganondorf, skipping after Nabooru until he noticed she was glaring at him, after which he stopped skipping, skulked along in classic 'baddie' stance and glowered at everyone who got in his path. Nabooru took one long last look at 'Sheik' before propelling her King through the opening on into the caves. She noticed how Sheik had been gazing at Ganondorf in a rapt manner most of the time. There was something very fishy about that boy, she decided. Very fishy indeed.


The mammoth effort required to hoist King Zora back onto his throne took about an hour. Given the arduous nature of the task and the exhaustion felt by all after it was accomplished, a strange sense of camaraderie had built up between Link and the Zora. He even found himself laughing at something with Ruto, which was disturbing. He was even thinking she wasn't that bad after all, when she had handed him a glass of ice cold water, adorned with pretty blue flowers. That was until she told him that the glass was a sacred Zora treasure and by accepting it, he had officially married her, and would he like to join her in the matrimonial bed so they could get on with the all important task of producing heirs.

Link spat the water out, and hastily set the glass down. "Er, let me think about that..." Stammered Link, cursing his mind for focusing not on how to escape immediately, but on how producing heirs would actually work given that they were different species.

"Aw, Sheiky." Murmurred Ruto, rubbing her head on his shoulder. "You're just so cute when you're all shy. Don't worry, I'll teach ya all about the birds and the bees and the fish and the froggies and the..."

"That's quite all right." Grimaced Link. "You know, I'm really tired. And I have a headache. And I..."

Ruto silenced him by kissing him through the scarf.

"EUUGGGGHHH." Screamed Link, pulling away horrified, "That was like kissing a fish..."

"Well I am kind of a fish, my love." Purred Ruto, evidently unfazed by his disgusted reaction. "To be honest, I didn't like it that much either. It was like kissing my rubber ducky."

"You have a rubber ducky?"

"Yes."

"And you kiss it?"

"Regularly. He's my make-out buddy."

"And I thought I was crazy. You take the biscuit." Link saw Ruto's bottom lip was trembling slightly, and the pupils of her eyes had gone extra large. Puppy dog eyes were about to be unleashed. Link gulped and remembered something that was bound to give Ruto a distaste for him. His salvation was at hand.

"Er, Ruto...you know what Ganondorf said before – you know, that I'm actually a girl?"

"Ganondorf's a girl?" Exclaimed Ruto, astonished.

"No, idiot. He said that I- as in me, Sheik, am actually a girl. Well he's right. I am a girl."

"Oh." Ruto looked sad for a moment, but then brightened up again. "But Nabooru said you were a boy. You almost had me there, Sheiky. Teehee."

"No – hey, what the heck's Teehee mean?"

"Oh, do you think it's cute? I do. Teehee."

"Oh dear goddess." Moaned Link, tugging very hard on that lock of hair again. He explained very slowly, "I really am I girl. I'll prove it!"

"No, I'll prove your a boy. Let's do the squish test again. You know you want to."

"I know I don't." Retorted Link. The next instant Link's hand was being held tantalisingly close to Ruto's chest. Strangely enough he had no inclination to touch any part of Ruto, least of all her bosom. His hand remained perfectly still. Even when Ruto pressed it against herself, Link was motionless.

"Oo, your just teasing me." Said Ruto when she realised that he really wasn't going to pass the 'would he get a sly squeeze in test?'. She was unperturbed. "I know, Sheiky, I'll just remove your pants, then we'll see."

"No we won't coz my pants aren't going anywhere." Retorted Link, taking a precautionary hold on his belt .

"Spoil sport." Pouted Ruto.

"Freak."

How long the argument would have gone, or how long it would have been until Ruto would have ordered her guards to advance on him with the Zora Poking Sticks armed and ready in order to assist in the removal of wearable items would not be known. King Zora intervened.

"Flik Flik Poddle Snap." He said in the most surprised manner, flapping his fin-like hands around. His face was a little less flaccid than usual. Of course, everybody turned around. Link included.

"Oh.My.God. OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGod." Squeaked Ruto in a pitch so high it was almost inaudible.

"Now what?"

Ruto pointed at the chamber in answer, screaming with excitement and jogging on the spot. His ears were ringing painfully as he turned his head to look but at that moment he didn't care. At last he had found salvation. His saviour had arrived.

"ZeeelllLink!" He shouted happily, sprinting across the room and flinging himself onto an unsuspecting Zelda, clothed in Link's body. He knocked her onto the floor and hugged her ecstatically. The next moment the pile of bodies was joined by Amber, who clearly thought some kind of rough game was afoot. A moment later Ruto thought 'What the hey' and dashed over too.

The next second the foursome had overbalanced and had toppled over the edge of the waterfall into the lagoon below.


Ruto naturally recovered first, Amber second, Link third and Zelda last. They all swam quietly to the edge of the lake (or at least the latter three did, Ruto was somersaulting in the water, squealing and yelling so much that a few rocks fell from the top of the chamber in an attempt to squish her). Link helped Zelda out first, and then Amber and then hugged the pair of them again.

"Er, do I know you?" Asked Zelda, taking a step back and falling back into the lagoon. Link had forgotten that Zelda did not know 'Sheik' yet. Unfortunately, she was rescued by Ruto who had been waiting for such a moment. She executed a dramatic rescue then insisted that the blatantly conscious and stunned looking new guy required a kiss of life. The new guy (Zelda) began to wonder if Link had swapped bodies with the fish girl, only to dismiss the idea a second later. Even Link wasn't that insane.

She was rescued by Link, who dragged her out of Ruto's reach and explained frantically, "It's me! Sheik. Whatever you do, do not annoy the crazy person."

Zelda gazed into the strange boy's eyes and recognised something glimmering in the back of them. His eyes were different, set into a different face, but Link could never quite hide that mischievous so unique to him. "Oh." She said, a little sternly.

"Oh? Is that all you can say?" Asked Link.

"Have you forgotten how we parted?" Replied Zelda tartly. "You ran away without an explanation."

"ATTENTION!!" Screamed Ruto, as she danced around Link and Sheik. Neither looked at her.

"I couldn't face you after what Aganhim said, I knew you wouldn't believe me if I told you the truth." Link turned away and noticed Ruto glaring at him and quickly turned back to Zelda.

"EXCUSE ME! PRINCESS TALKING HERE!"

"Why wouldn't I believe you? Just because I was a little annoyed that you'd not told me anything doesn't mean that if you explained yourself I wouldn't trust you. I've never doubted you. Not until then, anyway." Zelda smiled slightly at her friend and said, "Besides, I can't abandon you. I'm tired of walking in your shoes. I want to be me again."

"THAT'S IT. GUARDS!!"

This scream got their attention, it also made Amber do something understandable. She bit Ruto.

"Ouch. Stupid mutt!" Yelled Ruto, jumping onto Zelda's back for protection from the evil wolf. Then she realised who she was clinging to and squealed again. "OH. MY. GOD!" She began, bouncing up and down again, giggling. "You are gorgeous. Who are you? Will you marry me?"

Zelda cast a confused look at her counterpart and tried to shake Ruto off her back. Ruto clung on like a limpet. She wasn't going anywhere. In fact, she was making herself comfortable.

"You're choking me." Gasped Zelda, trying to prise Ruto's hands off her. Ruto giggled and snuggled up closer. "I can't...breathe..."

"I knew it!" Sighed Ruto, "I knew you loved me too. My beauty has stunned you! You are breathless because of me."

"Well that part is true." Observed Link, he was part tempted to rescue Zelda from Ruto's machinations, but he was enjoying watching her attempts at fending her off. If he had been in control of his body, he would have gotten rid of her by the simple expedient of reaching behind him, grabbing her arm, and tossing her over his head. Zelda clearly hadn't thought of this tactic. But she was getting angry.

"Sheik." She suddenly snapped, glaring at him. "Get this thing off of me!"

"Fine." Link shrugged and whistled to Amber. "Amber, tug!" He grabbed Ruto's waist and Amber took a chunk of her blue dress in her jaws and after the count of three, they both pulled as hard as they could. Amber added effect by growling. It was clear the wolf was enjoying herself. Tug of war was her favourite game. It took a good minute of tugging to finally loosen Ruto's hold on Zelda. She finally gave in with a shriek.

"I didn't know you were so jealous, Sheiky." Sighed Ruto, picking herself up from the floor. She simpered at him. "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to drop you. This guy is way hotter than you. I've decided to marry him instead."

"I am not going to marry you." Retorted Zelda, blankly. She took a step towards Link and clutched his arm.

"Why?" Pouted Ruto.

"Er...because I'm a..."

"-he's already in love with me." Suddenly interrupted Link. He didn't want to have another 'squeeze test' inflicted on anybody, least of all Zelda. Besides, he needed to talk to her alone.

"But you're a boy." Ruto pointed out. "We've already established that."

"Well yeah but...it doesn't mean I can't be in love with Link."

"Link? Ooo, is that your name. It's gorgeous just like you." Ruto smirked at Zelda.

"Er, it's true. This guy really does love Link, I mean, he loves me." Added Zelda, hastily. She clutched Link's arm even tighter and cast a scared look at Ruto. Suddenly she felt Link wrap an arm around her waist. She jumped in shock and glanced at him.

"It's true. I really do love you. That's why I had to leave." Explained Link, there was just enough sincerity in his voice to make Zelda blush. She squirmed out of his reach and took a step back. Today was not a good day to be receiving various declarations of love. "Please, can we just be serious for a moment?" She asked, backing against a wall and hoping that she was hallucinating. It was all just a bad dream, decided Zelda, any moment, she would wake up, Ruto would vanish and Link would be back in his body. The craziness would stop.

"Sure we can be serious." Answered Link, he saw Ruto was advancing on Zelda again with a strange hungry look in her eye and quickly grabbed the Princess's wrist forcibly holding her back. She tried to slap him away and screamed. Knowing that the guards would be there any second, Link gave Zelda a very brief explanation of what had transpired that day. (It went something like: met Saeru, made pact, Ruto's mad, Ganondorf in caves. Gotta hurry). Zelda processing the information as quickly as she could and latched on the most important part of his speech. "Ganondorf's in the caves?"

"Yes. With Nabooru." Link winced as Ruto began digging her nails into his skin in an attempt to escape into Link's unwilling arms. "They're after Lukarn."

"They couldn't destroy him, could they? Oof." Zelda crashed to the floor as Ruto finally made her escape, cannoned into her and pinned her to the floor, hugging her and grinning deliriously.

"I don't know. Aganhim may have found a way. Er, are you all right?" Link watched as Zelda rolled from under Ruto and pinned the Princess's arms to her side, holding her a good arm's length away.

"Fine." Said Zelda, "This body does have its uses. Anyway, if Ganondorf manages to defeat Lukarn and get the signet ring, where does that leave us?"

"Buggered."

"Well we'll just have to stop him won't we."

"He has got a map a key and an hour's head start."

Ruto started bouncing up and down at this point. "Oh I know! I know!" She yelped. "I can help you! I know a secret way in to the chamber. You could meet the scary Lord Lukarn that way. It's about a mile's walk though and I'll only show you the way if..."

"Let me guess, if one of us marries you?" Sighed Link. Ruto nodded happily. "Fine. I, Sheik, will marry you IF you get us to Lukarn before Ganondorf and IF we find what we need there. Deal?"

Ruto was disappointed not to get Link out of the bargain but Sheik was a pretty good substitute, she decided. She shook his offered hand and dashed off. "You'll need a Zora Poking Stick each." She said, giggling as she danced ahead. "And I hope you're both good at swimming. Teehee." She missed the look that passed between the two friends.

"Sheik will marry Ruto, will he?" Asked Zelda, giving 'Sheik' an amused glance. "And what happens when she finds out who Sheik really is?"

"Just the usual - either she'll give up or we'll run for our lives."

"Sounds like fun." Smiled Zelda.


Sorry again Ruto fans, but I couldn't resist this particular parody! Anyway, I hope you understood the purpose of this chapter under the craziness. I.E. I hope you are beginning to understand what Nabooru's evil plan is...