As we got to the end of the ritual there was a final scream from the centre of the devils trap and that's the last thing that I remember as I felt myself collapsing to the floor.
I felt myself waking up and when I looked around the room I could see that Lilith was gone, we had done it we had actually managed to vanquish her. I turned to talk to Will, Sam, Dean and Bobby, confirming that we had done it. We had won we were safe, Lilith couldn't hurt us anymore. Instead of speaking to them, I saw Will carrying me to the couch and placing me gently down what was worrying was that I was unable to feel his arms around me or any part of my body. I tried screaming to make Will, Sam, Dean and Bobby but nothing was coming out. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sam grab his head as though he was having a vision, I walked towards Sam I thought if I got close enough I could maybe whisper in his ear and let him and everyone else know that I was still hear. It didn't work and I was starting to worry that I wouldn't be coming back from this.
I could hear that they were trying to decide whether phoning an ambulance and getting me to a hospital was the best cause of action, or if the reason that I had collapsed in the first place was supernatural and taking me to a hospital would be waste of time. I knew that Will was getting frustrated and his voice was getting louder as he was telling Dean and Bobby, "We need to get her to the hospital, it could be anything and the only way we will find out is having them run tests. I can't lose her, I just can't" Dean replied "I know Will, but it can't be a coincidence that Toni collapsed at the exact moment that she and Sam exorcised Lilith. I don't think a hospital is going to find out what is wrong with her, it is probably something supernatural and we need to work out what and how to fix it." Will looked from Dean to Sam and said "It's the first time since I've know her, that I can't feel any emotions coming from her. Sam can you feel anything? Is she still here? Are we going to get her back?" Sam looked back at him crestfallen and said "I can't feel anything either. I'm sorry Will I should have stopped her from doing this; I knew it was risky but thought that if we did it together then it would reduce the risk."
Whilst the big boys debated whether or not to take my body to the hospital, I went and checked on my sons. I wanted to make sure that the confrontation with Lilith and my drawing on their powers hadn't hurt them. Before I entered the nursery the boys I could feel them starting to stir, and went I entered, I whispered to them "It's ok. Mummy's here. I'll always be watching over you, no matter where I am. Daddy and your cousins will keep you safe even if I can't." Aidan and Cole rolled over in their cribs and opened their eyes, stared directly at me and lifted up their hands as though they wanted me to pick them up. They were smiling as though they had heard me and wanted me to pick them up. Cole rolled back on to his back stared at his mobile and it started to move. At this my heart soared they hadn't been affected by what had happened in the study, 2 floors below them and hadn't lost their powers.
Shortly after that Will, Sam and Dean entered the nursery, they all looked at Aidan and Cole and Will asked "What's up boys, what's causing the fuss." While Will was talking to the boys, they turned to look at me and started to smile, I said "It's ok. Daddy's not mad at you; he's just a little bit upset at the moment." Will turned to Sam and Dean and said "Did you see that, the boys smiled. I can't see what they are smiling at though, but I know they aren't smiling at me. They seem to be looking over my shoulder but there is nothing there. Sam, are you sure you can't sense anything because I could swear that Aidan and Cole can see Toni and that she's talking to them." When Will finished talking the mobile over Cole's head started to rotate and it picked up speed - getting quicker and quicker. As he was unable to talk, Cole was sending his father a message in the only way that he knew, he just needed Will to hear him. Will reached into his crib and picked him up, and said "Is that it Cole, can you see mummy, is she in the room with us." The mobile picked up speed again, and at the same time the stereo turned on and started playing ""Come around more Alabama, by Steve Carlson with Jensen Ackles" the boys' favorite lullaby. Will looked at Sam and Dean and said "Toni's definitely here, Cole and Aidan can see here. So what do we do now? How do we get her back?"
Sam said "We need to do some Research. I think that we should start with Bilocation or Astral Projection. Will do you know if you have a spirit board in the house? I tried that to communicate with Dean during his stay at the hospital in South Dakota. We could try it and see if we can talk to Toni. I also think that this solves the hospital question. We need to keep Toni at the house. How about we bring her up to her bedroom from the study and make her more comfortable." Will nodded in agreement and said "I'll go and get her. I'm not sure that we have a spirit board; it's not something that Toni would normally have lying around the house. We can check f there was one in the selection that Bobby brought with him. If not Dean can you run out and pick one up, I really to need to have a conversation with my wife.." Dean nodded at Will and said "Sure, I'll run out and pick one up anyway as it may be quicker than searching through all of Bobby's belongings."
Dean left to go and pick up the spirit board, Sam went to the study to start the research and let Bobby know what was going on and Will followed him to collect me and bring me back upstairs to our room. He laid me down carefully on my side of the bed, and climbed onto the bed beside me and wrapped himself around me. Although I couldn't feel his actual presence I could feel the love that he felt for me, it must be the residual from the boys power shift. If I could feel my heart I know it would be swelling to bursting but as it was my soul as that is the only way I could describe what I was feeling was that I was light as a feather.
An hour later the spirit board was set up on the floor at the bottom of the bed, I thought this is never going to work how am I going to move anything I don't have a physical presence to do it with. Will came and sat on the floor on one side of the board and I sat on the opposite side. We put our hands on the table and Will started asking the questions.
"Toni, are you here" – I pushed the table towards the 'Yes'
"Were you in the boys room before" – again I pushed the table towards 'Yes'
"Do you know what happened to you?" – this time I pushed the table to the 'No'
"Should we take you to the hospital, or do you want to stay here" – I move the table around spelling out 'H – E – R – E'
"Can you feel anything, are you cold, hot" – I moved the table around spelling 'N-O-T-H-I-N-G."
Dean, Sam and Bobby had remained downstairs doing the research giving Will some privacy to ask the questions he needed to ask. Will was asking his next question; Sam and Dean appeared at the door.
"Why did you do it, why would you put yourself in danger like that" – I moved the table around 'K-E-E-P Y-O-U S-A-F-E'
I was about to finish with 'Keep the boys safe' but was interrupted by Will saying, you didn't need to do it that way. He looked up at Sam and Dean and said "We all need you as much as you need us. We could have found another way." Sam coughed to bring Will's attention back to the present and what we were trying to accomplish getting me back into my body or onto the other side.
At that moment I saw a light and it was getting brighter and brighter in the corner of the room and then it faded out and I saw someone standing there, it looked an older John. I walked up to him and said "Is it really you John." He smiled at me and said "Yes, Beanpole it's really me. I see you met my boys. They are great boys aren't they, I'm so proud of the way they turned out even with the life they have led." When he used his nickname for me he brought a smile to my face, I knew it was really him. I leant in to hug him and realized that would be pointless as neither of us had a body.
I replied "Yes, John they are great. You can't believe how pissed I was at you when I found out that you were dead. That you made a deal for Dean and yes I know the phrase 'pot calling the kettle black' comes to mind. But, I can still be mad at you. You took away the opportunity to get to know my nephews and help you through the grief. I had no-one around to help with Mum and Dad's funerals. You didn't get to give me away at my wedding or even see my wedding and have you seen your nephews. They are beautiful boys John. Have you come to escort me to the other side? Is that why you are here?"
All the time that John and I were talking, Cole and Aidan were watching us and reacting to my voice and that they could see someone else in the room that they didn't know. The mobile in their room started to spin like mad and the stereo volume shot up and '(Don't Fear) The Reaper' started to play. Will and Dean rushed into the nursery to check on the boys and Sam rushed to my side. He put his hand on my throat and started to feel for a pulse, he shouted to Will "we need to get Toni to the hospital, her pulse is way down I think that we are going to lose her…"
[I] I know I'm completely rotten – does Toni get to live or should she pass on ? I've not decided yet and I could go either way… [/I]
