DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN CSI:NY OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS. I ONLY OWN SAMANTHA FLACK AND THE FLACK KIDS. THE FANTASTIC GUS BROUSSARD IS OWNED BY THE EVEN MORE FANTASTIC MADISON BELLOWS!

MASSIVE HUGS AND KISSES TO MADDY FOR ALL OF HER HELP AND ADVICE! I HOPE I AM DOING GUSSIE JUSTICE!

BUCKLE UP FOLKS, IT'S GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE


Onslaught

"I guess I just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothing ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hoping to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew
Take back all of these times
That I gave in to you."
-Let Me Be Myself, Three Doors Down


"Did I make Kellan the way she is?"

The words came tumbling out of Sam's mouth before Gus Broussard could suggest that the couple that had just been shown into her office make themselves comfortable. Handshakes had been exchanged and introductions made, and just as the Gus moved towards the burgundy suede love seat where her legal pad and pen awaited -she normally didn't take notes, save for initial meetings and if she was observing a client from a different room as issues with horrific therapists and a belief that note taking was impersonal and put up a barrier between doctor and patient- she was slightly taken back by the question posed to her.

"Jesus Christ, Samantha…" Flack muttered, shaking his head in disbelief, his hands planted firmly on his hips. "Why the hell…?"

"It's what you said in the waiting room," she reminded him, hurt evident on both her face and in her voice. "You said that…"

"I know what I said," he angrily cut her off. "But I didn't mean it. I was irritated and pissed off with the way you were being and it just slipped out. I just said it 'cause you were getting on my nerves."

"It doesn't matter why you said it or whether you meant it or not," she informed him. "You still said it. And you're always like that. You've always been like that. You say mean, hurtful things when you get upset and then when you cool down you think that saying sorry makes everything better. That it erases everything. That it makes it okay. And it doesn't. Words hurt, Don. They hurt and they cling to someone and you can never get rid of them completely."

"And I'm the only person whose guilty of that?" he asked incredulously and gave a dry laugh. "Oh that's rich coming from you. The supreme Queen of Mean. You don't say a whole lot of crap when you're upset? You don't go for the jugular during a fight? Or do you think that 'cause I'm a guy that the shit you spew doesn't hurt my feelings? Or is it that it's okay when you do it but it's a mortal sin when I'm an ass?"

"When?" Sam snorted. "When you're an ass? When are you ever not an ass?"

"Mr and Mrs Flack…" Gus held her hands up in both a show of surrender and a silent request for some peace. "Walking into this fighting is not going to do either of you, or your children any good. I understand that there's some strong feelings of animosity and bitterness but…"

"You called me crazy!" Sam reminded her husband. "You tossed it up in my face that I spent time under a psychiatrist's care and that I take medication for my issues! And you accused me of making our daughter the way she is!"

"I never accused you of anything. I just said that maybe she's the way she is 'cause you have some mental issues."

"Oh my God!" Sam laughed derisively. "That is not what you said! Now you're walking into this not just as an ass but a lying ass? You asked me if Gus felt sorry for me for my previous issues or if she thought I made Kellan the way she is! That is what you said!"

"And I just told you that I didn't mean it!" he ground out through tightly clenched teeth. "So why don't you just sit down and be quiet and Doctor Broussard can get the goddamn show on the road?"

"See what he's like?" Sam asked Gus. "Do you see? He's like this all the time. He thinks that he can boss everyone around. That he can rule everybody. That just because he's this bad ass cop when he's on the clock that he can treat the people in his personal life like that too. He can't turn that side of him off anymore. He used to be able to. He used to be able to separate one from the other and now…"

"And now what Sam?" Flack challenged. "And now I'm nothing but a cold hearted, insensitive mean sonofabitch? Let's not get into all of the shitty things you've said in the past eight years. 'Cause we'd hate to tarnish the good doctor's image of the innocent and perfect Samantha. We'd hate for her to actually think you're just as much to blame for this mess as I am."

"I never said that I was perfect or that I was innocent!' Sam argued. "I never once said you were the only guilty party here! I never said that you caused all of this! But you do have a bigger role in this crap then I do!"

"Oh here we go," Flack shook his head in disbelief and looked over at Gus as the pretty, blond haired psychologist simply stood watching and listening. No emotion visible on her face. "You know what she's going to bring out now?" he asked. "She's going to toss out how I'm the spawn of Satan 'cause I cheated on her. It's the card she plays every goddamn time she gets all defensive of something. When I'm right about anything when we fight, she always brings it up. 'Cause she knows how it eats at me and she knows that it's the one thing she has over me that will break me every single goddamn time."

"I don't…"

"You do," Flack cut his wife off. "You never used to. You used to be the one who'd get mad at me whenever I brought it up. Whenever my guilty conscience got the better of me and I'd talk about how bad I screwed up and how bad I felt about what I did and how I almost lost my family. You'd get all pissed with me and tell me how it was in the past. That you'd forgiven me and you didn't want to think about it anymore. That all you wanted to do was put it behind you and get on with your life. Our life. Together. Did you not always tell me that?"

"I did," Sam admitted. "And I meant it. But…"

"But? How can there be a but? How can you say all of that and then seven months ago turn around and start tossing it in my face and holding it over my head every chance you got? Every time we fought between the end February until I left you've always brought it up. And you still bring it up whenever you get really pissed about something. You either forgive me or you don't. Plain and simple."

"I thought I had forgiven you," she said quietly. "I thought I'd put it behind me and I thought that I could just push it away and act like it never happened. I can't forget what you did. I just can't. It's hard to forget when I have a permanent reminder under my nose twenty four hours a day, seven days a week."

"So that's what it comes down to, huh?" Flack asked. "It all comes down to Dawson. An innocent baby who'd never asked to be brought into all of this. It's all his fault."

"Nothing is his fault," Sam replied. "I willingly took him in. I willingly adopted him."

"And doesn't that just make you feel like some fucking martyr," Flack snorted. "Everyone bow to you and kiss your ass 'cause you took in a baby whose mother had been murdered. Everyone needs to idolize you for this supreme act of kindness and selfishness. Jesus Christ, Sam get over yourself. You're not some modern day Saint 'cause of what you did."

"I never said that I was. I just said that…"

"You keep saying it!" he interrupted. "You keep going on and on about it. Over and over again! You keep bringing it up to everybody that you did this great thing by adopting him! And you know what, it was a great thing. I am still in awe of how you just took to him the way you did. How you love him as much as you do. How you don't treat him any different then you do Kellan and Kallison. But how many times do I have to tell you how much I love and admire you for it? How many times do I have to thank you for it! Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of our lives? Every time we fight are you going bring this up? About how you're the better person 'cause you took him in?"

"Maybe I want to hurt you!" Sam shouted, tears coursing down her face. "Maybe I want to hurt you sometimes! Maybe there's times when it bothers me so bad that I just snap and I want you to feel half of what I felt when you did what you did! Where I think about you and Jordan together and it makes me sick to my stomach and it makes me want to hurt you! You betrayed me! You could have said no! You could have walked away from her! You could have just come home to your family! But you didn't! You slept with her and you did it again, and again and again! It wasn't just once! It was months! Months Don! If it had have been just one time then maybe…then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much as it does!"


A stunned silence fell over occupants of the room. The ticking off the clock above the door and Flack's harsh breathing near deafening in the aftermath of the brutal honesty and fury that had just been unleashed. Fifteen months of anguish and anger had finally culminated and had exploded out of Sam's mouth. A year and three months of holding her torment inside. Of trying to pretend that she was going on with her life and that she didn't want to talk about the past anymore. Of trying to convince herself that in some way, she'd been just as much to blame for what had happened as her husband was.

"I'm sorry," Sam's voice broke the silence as she brought both of her hands to her face. "I never should have…I'm sorry…"

"Sammie…" Flack's voice was quiet and quivered with emotion as he took a step towards her and reached out to lay a hand on the back of her neck.

"No…" she shook her head vigorously and stepped away from him. "Please don't…please don't touch me…just don't…not right now…just please don't…"

Gus gave Flack a sympathetic smile as she approached Samantha cautiously. "That's been dying to get out for a long time, hasn't it," she said in her Louisiana accent, as she placed a gentle hand on Sam's shoulder.

She nodded. "I'm sorry," she cried from behind her hands. "I never should have acted like that. I never should have…"

"There's nothing to be sorry for," Gus assured her, and led the petite brunette over to the sofa placed across from the love seat, a wooden coffee table -a jug of ice water and two glasses perched on top of it- separating them. "You've been bottling all of those feelings up and keeping them inside and you just couldn't do it anymore. And as harsh as what the two of you were saying to each other was, the truth is, you probably both needed to say it. And hear it. Because now you both know what the other has been keeping back for so long. What made you both so bitter and angry at each other. Both of you are hurting. No one in this room is fully to blame and no one here is completely innocent either."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Flack asked, as Sam took a seat, her face still in her hands as Gus moved to the coffee table and flipping over the glasses, filled both with water. "If you had all of that to say why didn't you ever get it out? Why didn't you just tell me all of this?"

"What was I suppose to say to you, Don?" his wife inquired. "What could I have said to you that wouldn't have started a massive fight between us? What could I have told you that wouldn't have hurt you and that wouldn't have had you storm out?"

He had no answer for that.

"I know what you're like," Sam said, and removing her hands from her face, nodded her appreciation to Gus as the doctor presented her with a glass of water. "I've known you for nearly ten years now. I know how you get when you're upset. And I wasn't…I wasn't going to take the chance that you'd walk out on us again. I couldn't do that myself. I couldn't do that to our kids again."

"And that's what you were afraid of?" Gus asked, as she stepped away from the couch and retreated to the love seat. She gathered up her pen and pad of paper and motioned for Flack to take a seat beside his wife.

"I knew he'd walk out if I started in on his affair," Sam replied, her hands trembling as she sipped at her drink. "I knew that he'd get pissed off and accuse me of dwelling on the past when I was the one so hell bent on forgetting about it and getting on with the present. And when he gets upset…when Don gets upset he does two things. He gets nasty and scary and then he storms out. It's just the way he is and the way he's always been."

"Scary in what way?" Gus inquired.

"He is not abusive," Sam was quick to defend her husband. "He's never been abusive and I've never once been afraid that he would be. He's never, ever hit me or ever made a move like he's going to. I was in an abusive relationship. A severely abusive relationship in fact. And Don isn't…my husband is not like that. He'd never raise a hand to me and he's never hit our kids."

"I would never hurt you, Sammie," Flack told her, as he cautiously took a seat beside her. The two inches separated them from shoulder to knee seeming like two hundred miles. "I would never hurt you or the kids. So I don't know what…"

"You frighten me," she admitted.

"But you know I'd never do anything to you or the kids. So how can I…"

"Emotionally," his wife clarified. "You frighten me emotionally. Because you're not capable of abusing someone. You're just not like that. Because you grew up around that and you saw that between your own parents and you witnessed what your dad to your mother…"

Flack shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "That's a long time ago," he said. Clearly bothered by the topic of conversation.

"…and you've always been so determined not to be like him," Sam continued. "And you're not. Like him. Not even in the slightest. But you do have a bad temper and you do react badly to things and you…when you get angry you say things that hurt. They hurt really bad and they cut deep. They do just as much damage as anything physical Zack ever did to me."

Flack blinked. Taken back by her honest words.

"And I know I'm not innocent either," Sam quickly added. "That when I'm angry I get the exact same way. That I've said some horrible things to you in the past eight years. And especially in the past year and a bit. I know that. And I wish I could take them back, Donnie. I wish I could wave some magic wand to take back all the times I hurt you."

"We have a tendency to hurt the ones we love the most," Gus mused.

Both Sam and Flack nodded in agreement.

"I know that all of this is painful for both of you to hear," she continued. "But this is going to be the starting point of fixing your relationship. I know that, from just my initial interview with Samantha alone, that both of you want to repair your marriage. That you don't want this separation to be a permanent thing."

"I want this to work," Flack told her. "I don't want to be away from my family. I don't want this to go on and on forever thinking that one day we're going to be back together, only to realize it had been a waste of time all along. I love my wife. This isn't about whether I love her or not. Because I know how I feel about it. I know how desperately in love with her I am. That isn't what the problem is. The problem is that we're like this…we fight like this…in our home in front of our kids. And I don't want them to see that or hear that anymore."

"Which has been what is happening," Gus told him. "You have been fighting and saying mean things to each other in front of the children."

"Not necessarily in front of them," Flack said. "I mean…I guess they've been in the room a few times…but most of the time they're not around us when we're doing it."

"But they're hearing it," she reminded him. "They're hearing mommy and daddy yelling at each other and they're hearing the two of you say horrible things to each other. They're hearing you tell each other that you hate one another one minute and then hearing you tell each other you love one another the next. Do you see where that could, for lack of a better word, mess them up?"

"I guess I just never thought about it," Flack admitted.

"Let's back up a little bit here," Gus suggested. "Let's get some background here. Into your relationship. I know, from what Samantha told me in our initial visit, that you met ten years ago and it wasn't until roughly a year and a half later that the two of you became intimately involved with each other. How long were you together before you moved on to the next step?"

"We were engaged in March of 2010," Sam told her. "And we got married in February of 2011."

"And we started living together at the end of February 2010," Flack added.

"And what was your relationship like then?" Gus asked, taking quick yet accurate notes. "Did you fight a lot right from the beginning? Is there a pattern involved here? Was there always a lot of tension between the two of you?"

"We had some issues," Sam replied. "I had this fear of intimacy. Not just with him. With everyone I've ever been with. I've always been afraid to…" she sighed. "I've always been afraid to completely give myself to someone."

"Which, as you told me before and from what the records Doctor Melfi sent over show, stems from the abuse you suffered at the hands of your father."

Sam nodded. "And Don…he wasn't like all the other guys, you know? He never has been. He was understanding and he was patient and he was trustworthy and he…he just never pressured me into anything. It didn't matter to him. Or at least I don't think it did."

"I mean it bothered me a bit," Flack admitted. "What guy doesn't want to be intimate with someone they're in love with? But I wasn't going to make her do anything she wasn't ready for. I may be a complete ass sometimes, but I'm not a rapist."

"And after the two of you did become intimate how were things?" Gus asked.

"You mean like how were things sexually?" Flack inquired.

She nodded.

"Aren't we here about Kellan?" he asked irritably. "If we're here about her why are we talking about this kind of thing?"

"I'm interested in getting the history of your relationship," the psychologist explained. "It's all part of the bigger picture. The more I know about the two of you and the way things have been and are, the better."

Flack nodded, then leaned forward and poured himself a glass of water.

"Things were great," Sam told Gus. "Sexually things were great. I mean, we went through the whole honeymoon stage of our relationship where that's all we did. Or at least it seems like it's all we did."

"But we've never had a problem with it," Flack said to his wife. "Sex has never been an issue. Ever. We're really good at it and we really enjoy it and that's that. So I don't get why this has anything to do with us as parents."

"Maybe because we sometimes use it against each other," Sam suggested gently.

Gus' eyebrows shot up. "In what way?" she asked.

"Sam thinks we use it to keep each other," Flack replied. "That us having sex, even while we're separated, is our way of preventing each other from finding it somewhere else. That we use it to keep each other coming back. To keep us connected so that we don't feel the need to 'branch out' as she puts it."

"And do either of you feel that you would, as you put it, branch out if intimacy no longer existed between you?" Gus inquired.

"You mean no longer existed as in forever?" Flack asked. "Married or not married?"

Gus nodded. "If you were still married but for some reason, hypothetically speaking, could no longer have sex with each other, would it force either of you to find that somewhere else?"

"I'm not with my wife 'cause of sex," Flack answered. "I'm with my wife 'cause I love her and we have a family together. I wouldn't give a rats ass if something like that happened. We're not defined by sex."

"Samantha?" Gus asked.

"I wouldn't cheat on my husband regardless of the circumstance," the brunette said. "I love him as my husband. As the father of my children. As a care taker and a provider. And it wouldn't be the end of the world if we could never have sex again. Sure, I'd miss it. I'd miss that intimacy with him. But it wouldn't stop me from loving him and wanting to be with him."

"So why is it that you both feel the need to be intimate while you're separated?" Gus challenged. "If both of you could live without it, why is it you can't resist it now?"

"Because right now it feels like that's all we have left," Sam admitted. "Because it's the one time we're connected in the most purest and deepest way possible. Where we're in sync and we're not spewing venom and hate at one another. And I just can't…I just can't lose that part of us."

"I can't back away from it 'cause I'm worried she'll go somewhere else," Flack said.

His wife stared at him, shocked at his admission.

"I am…" he shrugged and took a sip of his water. "I'm worried that you'll go and find some other guy to be with. I'm worried that if you don't see me like that anymore, that you'll find some guy you do see like that. Call me insecure, I guess. You're always talking about how conceited and arrogant I am. Maybe I just act like that so you don't realize just how paranoid I am about shit like that. Maybe I cover that part of me up so that no one knows how vulnerable I am in some ways. 'Cause I'd rather be the obnoxious ass then the self conscious weakling."

"No one said you're weak," Sam told him. "I've never once said that. Why didn't you ever tell me this stuff? Why didn't you ever admit to me that you think about stuff like that?"

"I don't know…" he shrugged. "I guess maybe I didn't want you thinking any less of me."

"What?" she breathed, and then shook her head. "I could never, ever think less of you for admitting something like that. Think less of you for being human? Don, don't you think that if you came out and told me this that maybe I'd be less…I don't know…less overbearing and less self conscious? That maybe I wouldn't be accusing you of being over protective and possessive all the time?"

"I'm only like that 'cause I know that you could easily walk away from me and find someone else," he told her.

"But I don't want anyone else," Sam said. "I want you. Only you. Don't you think I worry about the same thing with you?"

"I don't want anyone else either. Jordan was a one time thing. I did it and I messed up. Huge. And I can't take it back and I can't ever really forgive myself for it. But I don't want anyone other than you, Sammie. It's always been you."

"Do you think that it would be beneficial for the two of you to see a marriage counsellor?" Gus asked softly. "Kellan, and eventually Kallison, are my clients and because of conflict of interest, I couldn't ethically see you as a couple. If it was to discuss parenting concerns or the girls themselves…"

"We did the counselling thing after I cheated on her," Flack said. "And it obviously didn't work or we wouldn't be separated right now."

"Neither of you want to be the way you are," Gus pointed out. "And a lot has come out today that will do you both a world of good. It will do your relationship a world of good. And if you had an outlet for some of the anger and guilt inside…"

"I want to go to counselling," Sam spoke up.

Flack looked over at her.

"I want to save this," she told him. "I want to save us. And not just us, but our family. I love you, Donnie. I don't want to lose you completely. And if we don't go…if we don't go I'm afraid that that's going to happen."

He nodded slowly, taking her words into consideration before tentatively reaching out to lay his hand on the back of her neck. "I don't want to lose you either, Sammie. Not anymore than I already have. And if you think that counselling will help…"

"You need to think it will help," Sam said. "Not just me."

"Babe, at this point in time, I'm open to anything. Anything it takes to keep us together. Our family together. Okay?" he leaned across the couch and pressed a iss to her temple. "Anything, Sammie. We'll go to counselling, alright?"

"Alright," she agreed, and gave a small smile.

"This office works in conjuncture with several other therapists," Gus told them. "I can put in a referral to someone."

"That would be good," Sam said. "Thank you."

"There is a slight concern I do need to express," the other woman said. "Regarding the fact that you're separated but being intimate with each other. Are the children at all aware of what is happening?"

"They see their dad in the mornings when he stays over," Sam told her.

"And I assume that it makes things harder on them when it's time for him to leave," Gus said.

Flack nodded. "It does a number on them. 'Cause they get up and see me there and think that it means that I'm back to stay. To live with them and mommy. And then when I tell them that I have to go back to my own place…"

"They freak out," Sam spoke up. "They cry and throw tantrums. They beg him to stay. Don has to practically peel them off of his legs and has to physically prevent them from following him out of the house."

"That's pretty hard," Flack admitted, his voice solemn.

"And do you notice a change in Kellan at this time?" Gus asked. "I know this aggressive, violent behaviour and the self harm started while the two of you were still together and that it got excessive worse after the separation. Am I correct?"

Flack nodded. "She's gotten a hundred times worse since we split up," he said. "Sammie was always getting called by the school to come and deal with Kellan. She was always the passive one, you know? Then she starts knocking other kids around. Kicking them. Pushing them off of slides and swings and shoving them off of the monkey bars. Some of these kids have gotten really hurt. Broken arms…"

"Black eyes, split lips," Sam added with a heavy sigh. "And never mind what she does to herself. Yanks out her hair, bites herself until she bleeds, bangs her head off the floor when she throws a fit."

"Split the back of her head open for ten stitches," Flack said. "Last time I took her home and told her I was going to be a bit late picking her and her sister and her brother up on the Friday night. She just freaked out. Slammed her head off of the driveway. Intentionally. Busted her head open. Scared the shit right out of me."

"And is there an increase in this behaviour after you've spent the night?" Gus asked.

Sam nodded. "She's violent when he leaves," she replied. "And not just to herself. To her sister and to me. And I'm worried…" she choked up once more. "I'm worried that she's going to do something to the baby one day."

"Don't cry baby," Flack rubbed comfortingly at the back of her neck. "Don't cry…we're here and we're going to get her some help."

"I just never thought she'd ever be like this," Sam sniffled. "That either of my kids would be like this. But especially…especially not Kellan. And to be having to say these things about my own child…"

"It's hard," Gus sympathized. "But the important thing is that you're recognizing all of this and you're getting her the help that she needs. You both came here willingly, to get your child what she needs. And some parents…well unfortunately some parents don't get the help that their kids need."

"Our kids are our everything," Sam said. "We had to work so hard just to get our girls here. They're our miracle babies. There's nothing we wouldn't do for them. Or for Dawson."

"Your children are my clients," Gus reminded them. "They are my main concern and will remain my main concern. And what I'm worried about right now, is what the topsy turvy nature of your relationship is doing to them. One minute you're yelling and screaming at one another and calling each other every name in the book and daddy's moving out of the house, and then the next you're lovey dovey and daddy's there in the morning when they get up sometimes. And that's not healthy. For not only them, but for yourselves as well."

Flack sighed heavily and nodded.

"Forgive me for my bluntness, but it's time you both either shit or get off the pot," Gus said. "You've both said that you want this to work and you both have said that you love each other and will go to therapy. And you both know, I think, that you're not ready to live under the same roof again."

"We're not," Sam said. "Not by a long shot. We need to get our own issues ironed out before that happens."

"And the children do not need to be brought into it even more than they already have," Gus informed them. "And by allowing yourselves to be intimate with each other, you're messing those kids up even more. You're confusing them. Those girls don't know whether they're coming or going right now. One second daddy's spending the night and the next he's going back to his own place. Kids need routine. They need consistency. And quite frankly, you're both doing them a serious injustice by screwing them and each other around like this. And I know neither of you want to be hurting your children anymore than what you already have."

"Of course we don't," Flack told her.

"Then I think you both know what steps you need to take to ensure that that doesn't happen," Gus said. "What the real question is is you're both prepared to take those steps. For your children's sakes."

"Whatever we have to do for our kids," Sam vowed. "Whatever."

"The ball is in your court," Gus said. "So make it a good play for everyone involved."

"Never mind a good play," Flack gave a small laugh. "We're going to knock this whole thing out of the freaking park."


Less than an hour later, Flack and Sam found themselves sitting across from each other at a small table for two at the back of the hospital cafeteria, sipping at their respective beverages and barely speaking. Both emotionally shaken and exhausted from the appointment with Gus Broussard and the long pent up frustrations, secrets and anger that had come tumbling out. The hurt of what had been said still lingered, but it was mixed in with feelings of great relief and hope. The weight of the world had been lifted off of their shoulders and now they could concentrate on helping their children and helping themselves. It was going to be a long, trying road. They both knew that. But they also knew that the love they shared could see them through anything. Could climb any mountain and weather any storm.

"So I think that went pretty well," Flack broke the silence. Leaning forward to snag two packages of sugar from the plastic tray holding their drinks and a variety of food they'd picked up, he smacked them against the palm of his hand before tearing them open and dumping the contents into his extra large black coffee.

"You mean after we got past my freak out?" Sam asked, as she stirred her iced caramel cappuccino with her straw.

"Let's not talk about that, okay? All the things you said…they need to be said, alright? You'd kept all that shit inside of you for over a year. It was going to come out sooner or later. Personally I would have preferred sooner mind you. Like as in after this whole Jordan thing came out. Us in the privacy of our own home as compared to a doctor's office."

"I wish it had have been sooner too," Sam sighed. "Sure would have saved us a whole lot of grief."

"And a whole lot of money," Flack added, a grin on his face. He reached across the table and brushed some hair out of her face. "Just kidding babe," he said, as he grazed his knuckles across her smooth cheek. "You okay?"

"I don't know…" she admitted, and laid her hand over his. "I know that this is for the best. Us being apart and all of that. I know that it's what we need. And what the kids need."

"But it's hard as hell," he concluded, entwining his fingers with hers as she laid their joined hands on the table top.

She nodded.

"You know that I'm not going to be with anyone else, right?" he asked worriedly. "You trust me in that respect, don't you?"

"Of course I do," she smiled. "And you know the same thing about me, right?"

Flack nodded. "We have to do this, Sammie. We both know this is something that we have to do."

"But aren't you scared?" she asked. "Aren't you scared that the longer this drags on you won't feel the same way anymore? That being apart from me…that you're going to actually get used to it and you're actually going to like it?"

"Samantha, you're my wife. And every second away from you is one second too many. I'm still going to love you a week from now. Or a month from now. Or six months from now. Even a year from now. I meant what I said when we got married. Those vows meant everything to me. This is forever. Me and you are forever. I'm not scared. At all."

She sighed.

"Should I be scared?" he asked. "Are you trying to tell me that there's a reason to be? That you're going to fall out of love with me and like being away from me?"

"No," she replied. "That is never going to happen. Not in a million years. I love you too much, Donnie. Nothing is ever going to change that. I just…I don't want this to drag on forever. I don't want this to turn into months. I want this to be over as quickly as possible. Just how…how are we going to know when we're ready? How are we going to know it's time to get back together? For you to come back? How will we know? And what if we're not ready at the same time?"

"We'll just know, Sammie. One day we'll just look at each other and we'll know. And we'll mention it to each other right? You'll tell me when you think you're ready? And I'll tell you the same thing? I think that's the right way to do this. Don't you?"

"None of this is right." she said, shaking her head sadly. "I know we have to do it. But none of this…you can't tell me you think any of this right."

"Of course I don't. I hate being this way. I hate being away from you and my kids. But…"

She bristled at the use of the word.

"But this is for the best. For us and for the kids. And we know we love one another. That our issues are not about that. And we're getting help for them. It's just a matter of time, babe. It's not going to happen overnight. It's probably not even going to happen in a week or even a month. But it is going to happen. We're going to get our shit worked out and we'll be a family again."

"And in the meantime?" she asked. "In the meantime what are we? Estranged spouses? Friends?"

"I guess…" he replied.

She snorted and sipped at her drink. "Two friends and their broken family," she said.

"Hey…" Flack stroked the top of her hand with his thumb. "It may be broken, but it's still good, Sammie. It's still good."

She sniffled and nodded.

"And one day…one day it's going to be great again," he told her.

Sam gave a smile and squeezed his hand tightly.

Flack just hoped he sounded more confidant than he actually felt.


A huge thanks to everyone that is reading and reviewing! And even just lurking! I appreciate each and every one of you and I am humbled by all of the love and support!

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