Chapter 13: Turning Point
The road is dark and I don't know where I'm going. But this isn't my home. It will never be my home.
Earlier that day:
King sat in his office reading over his various schedules. It was almost like he was looking for distractions to keep himself out of his own mind somehow. I stood in the doorway watching over him, my presence going unnoticed so far. Last night when we went to go pick up Julia, I could tell something was off with him. Normally, we would do this dance of avoiding the main issue, but Julia's advice was starting to make more sense to me. I was always avoiding my feelings for him at his request to not deal with the situation. But there comes a point where you have to face your problems head on and talk through it. He said he didn't want to be with me in that way, and I had to respect that. But lately, he's been more affectionate than usual. It wasn't until last night that I realized it.
To be honest, it was almost like seeing me with Julia bothered him slightly. Of course, the King I know would never admit to something like that. However after all this time I've spent with him during the years, I'd like to say that I knew him better than most people. My chest felt heavy and my heart raced. I was finally going to talk to him about everything, if not for my sake, then for his. As he jotted down notes on his calendar, I stepped into the room and cleared my throat.
"Hey King."
"Oh, hey Pete. I'm just trying to figure out some of these wrestling tournaments coming up." As he replied to me, he barely looked over at me. With a deep breath, I moved closer and took a seat next to him.
"Why don't you take a break or something? You've been busy non-stop lately."
"Well, it is kind of what I do, you know?" The room fell silent for a second before I decided to change the subject.
"Poor Julia. I was really hoping that she'd get farther in the tournament. You know how important her reforestation data was to her."
"Yeah, she seemed so upset last night. But she's a tough girl, I'm sure she will get what she needs. She's fighting for a good cause, others will see that. And even so, there's always going to be another tournament. So it's not like there's no hope for her to get it back." I managed a small nod and thought about everything she told me last night. As much as I wanted to just small talk our way around everything, I couldn't avoid what I wanted to say anymore.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Last night, your mood shifted a little bit after we picked her up. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay." King looked over at me and after a pause of silence, he continued to look over his calendar.
"I guess I was a bit more tired than I thought. That's all. So what are you up to today?" I immediately recognized his deflection and thought about everything. That night back during the tournament, when he was drinking, he asked me why I loved him. It wasn't until just now that I remembered that I never did answer him.
"You're selfless. You're there for me when it counts. You've got a big heart and a gentle soul." As I spoke, he slowly glanced over at me and put his pen down.
"Pete, what are you talking about?"
"A while ago, you asked me why I loved you. Those are just a few of many reasons why I do." I don't think I'd ever felt as nervous as I did right there in that moment. My heart felt like it was going to explode within my chest, and I felt like at any given second, I was going to get sick. But it was out there now. There was no taking back my words. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me. With a hard swallow of anxiety, I reached forward and rested my hand against his on the desk. As soon as I did, he tensed up and looked at my hand.
"Peter, I…"
"You always know when I'm down and how to pick me back up. You're strong and determined. You don't stop until you achieve your goals. You inspire me."
Gently gripping his hand tighter, I took one more deep breath before making up my mind. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. I wanted him to know that he was loved. So I did the one thing I'd been wanting to do for the past year and a half. I leaned forward, lifting both hands to the bottom of his mask. Slowly, I pulled it up and over his mouth.
"What are you doing?" he asked as he gripped my wrists.
"Its okay, King." Tugging further, I pulled the mask up over his nose and was greeted by his natural dark brown eyes. They were beautiful to look into. He looked at me as I placed his mask on the desk in front of him.
"You don't need to hide who you are around me." Placing my hands against his warm cheeks, I leaned in and let my lips touch against his. I could feel his breathing increase and he opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, I took in the taste of his soft warmth. I closed my eyes and pulled him closer into me, running a hand through his hair as I passionately kissed the man I'd been in love with all this time. It felt amazing, like nothing I'd ever experienced before. My body felt tender, like it was melting against his. His hand slowly traveled up my chest and cupped around the back of my neck. With strength and a precise careful touch, he pulled me deeper into his mouth. All this waiting, all this time, everything had been worth this moment. As he kissed me back, I wished I could just live in this feeling forever.
His hand slowly made its way down my neck and back to my chest. I could feel him tug at my shirt slightly. His palm flattened softly over my heart and as I was becoming consumed in the fire that was his soul, he quickly pressed it into my chest and pushed me away. I took a second to recover from the shock, looking over into his eyes. He looked upset now.
"Peter. I can't do this with you." He abruptly stood up and grabbed hold of his mask, putting it back on as he walked out of the room. Did that really just happen? Had I really just done that? I sat in shock and lifted a hand to my lips. Before I could think of anything to say to calm him down, he grabbed his car keys and stormed out the front door. I sat in silence looking down at the floor as I heard his car engine start up and speed off.
"…Fuck."
I suddenly felt ill and found myself running to the bathroom. Collapsing on the floor, I began to heave over the toilet, choking up what little I had to eat earlier that morning. My body shook uncontrollably and my blood began to feel ice cold. My teeth were chattering and found myself getting into the shower, turning on the hot water as fast as I could, not even bothering to remove my clothes. As the water rained down upon me, I yanked my shirt off of my soaked body and sat on the floor. Curling my knees up to my chest, I sat quietly, allowing the water to warm me back up. As I stared forward at the glass door beginning to fog up, I became lost in a trance. I don't even know how much time passed before I began to snap out of it. By the time I came back to reality, the water was slowly beginning to lose its warmth.
I shook my head and ran a hand through my wet hair, pulling my shorts off of my legs. Reaching for the soap, I washed myself without even knowing that I was doing it. Muscle memory seemed to take over as I stood up and blankly chose a tile to focus on. It was as if my mind became a black hole. No particular thoughts came to me, I just stood there lifeless. I watched the droplets of water fall in what seemed like slow motion for another few minutes before it became too cold to bear. Stepping out of the shower, I grabbed the nearest towel and wrapped it around my waist. With a deep sigh, I moved to the sink and began brushing my teeth.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I wasn't even sure who it was I was looking at anymore. I had gone from emotionally weak to what felt like dead on the inside over the course of the year. Is this was love was supposed to feel like? Is this what it could do to a person? I felt as if this feeling I had inside me just destroyed my bond with the one person I admired. There was no telling if we could ever come back from this. Leaving the bathroom, I made my way to my room and collapsed onto my bed. Looking up at the ceiling, I watched the reflection of sunlight slowly travel across it before closing my eyes.
I woke to the sound of the television in the living room. The room was dark. I must've fallen asleep somehow. Sitting up, I realized I was still laying in nothing but a towel wrapped around my waist. Cautiously trying not to be heard, I got off the bed and moved closer to the door. As I cracked it open, I saw King sitting on the couch with an almost empty case of beer next to him. Our eyes locked and as soon as I saw him looking at me, I quickly closed the door. I didn't know what to say or what to do. My mind was telling me to just stay here in my room until the morning came again and worry about it then. Before I could do anything else, I heard him coming down the hall. Panicking, I froze in place as my door opened back up and the light flicked on.
"Hey", he said to me. I could sense that he had probably been drinking for a little while now. The only thing that came to mind was to apologize.
"King, listen. I'm really sorry about before. I don't know what I was thinking." He didn't respond to me at all. He stood in a tank top and boxers with his arms folded. Normally the sight of him in minimal clothing would be a nice thought but I was too focused on how embarrassed I felt. I moved towards my closet to grab a shirt but before I could get it off the hanger, King walked forward and grabbed me by the wrist.
"You're not going to need that." Without hesitating, he grabbed hold of my towel and pulled it loose from around my waist. I gasped in shock and quickly covered myself with my free hand.
"King! What are you doing?"
"Giving you what I know you want." Before I could say anything, he turned me around and pushed me down against my bed. I struggled to find words as he began pushing my legs apart and positioning me on my hands and knees. His pelvis pressed against my bare ass and I could feel his erection.
"King, I don't think this is such a good idea." He removed his boxers and slowly rubbed his penis between my cheeks. I could feel myself getting red in the face, not knowing what to say.
"Haven't you wanted this?"
"King, you're drunk." His hands gripped my waist tightly as he pressed himself against me harder this time.
"Do you want me to stop?"
As much as I wanted to say yes, I found myself becoming overwhelmed with my feelings for him. Though I'd never admit it, I'd dreamed of something like this happening for a long time. Looking down to the sheets beneath me, I closed my eyes and slowly shook my head, feeling ashamed of myself for not stopping it.
"I didn't think so." Not having the courage to look back at him, I listened as he spit into his hand and rubbed it against my hole. I found myself gasping at how it felt to have him touch me there. This entire thing felt so wrong, yet for some reason, I found myself allowing it to happen. After a few more moments, I started to feel him slowly push himself into me.
"….King….oh god…" Reaching back, I pressed my hand against his pelvis, trying to slow it down and ease the pain I was feeling. He grabbed hold of my wrist and held my hand against my back, his other hand gripping my hair tightly. I struggled underneath him for a moment until I felt his manhood pierce inside me. Gripping the sheets with my free hand, I yelled out in pain before pounding my fist into the mattress over and over. With a commanding force, he held my head down against the bed, slowly pulling himself back and then pushing forward again.
"I know you've thought about this before, Peter. I have, too." In a matter of seconds, he began increasing his pace.
"King. Slow down, please slow down."
"You like it."
Ignoring my pain, he continued his pace. I groaned and squirmed underneath him, but he held me firmly in place. Unable to move, I grabbed a pillow and bit into it hard, yelling into it as he started to thrust faster into me. I could feel my face burning red as I struggled to control the feeling of pain inside me. He began speaking several obscenities over my grunts and as it continued, I found myself beginning to become overcome with lust towards him. My gasps of pain started to become moans of pleasure and desire. I wanted more.
After a few more minutes passed, I slowly reached down between my legs and started touching myself, struggling to keep myself steady over his thrusts. I'd fallen in deep love with this man and here he was, finally allowing himself to return those feelings. And I could tell he was enjoying it. I found myself calling his name out and begging him not to stop what he was doing. Continuing to pleasure myself, the feelings of lust intensified and I could feel myself getting close to climaxing. My breathing got heavier and my body started to shake under his grasp. As I began soiling my sheets, I cried out to him and bit down into the pillow again. It wasn't long before I could feel him doing the same inside me. Slowing down until it came to stop, he released my arm and let go of my hair before collapsing beside me in the bed. I exhaled deeply and laid on my side against him, hearing him calm himself down.
"You're mine now" he said as he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. Before I knew it, he was asleep and holding me tight against his body. Coming down from the high I was experiencing, I thought about what had just happened. And as he held me, I began to notice something changing inside me. His touch didn't have the usual warmth it had when he used to hold me before. He always made me feel so safe and protected, yet why wasn't I feeling that now? I sat curled against him for what seemed like hours before thinking about what would happen in the morning. I couldn't help but feel that in the morning when he was sober, he'd realize what he did and emotionally shut me out. He'd leave again on another out of town tournament and probably ask me to never bring this up.
This couldn't be what it meant to be in love. I knew deep down I loved King with all my heart and I'd just given myself to him completely. I wouldn't be able to just go around acting like this never happened. I couldn't live knowing he'd only give me the time of day when he had been drinking, or reacting to some terrible event that would happen to me. Something about this just started to feel wrong. Easing myself out of his arms, I grabbed a duffle bag and packed what I could, leaving my phone on the dresser. After throwing on some clothes, I wrote him a note and left it next to him. Taking one long last look at the man I loved, I grabbed my car keys and left the house. Hearing my car start up, I held back tears. Everything about this just felt so final. But for my sake and his, I had to leave him behind for good. He would never truly open himself up to me and I didn't want to be around to hold him back anymore. Grabbing the map out of my glove compartment, I pulled out onto the lonely highway and hit the gas.
The road is dark and I don't know where I'm going. But this isn't my home. It will never be my home.
