I
April Hollerford
21st Century
Planet Earth
England
London
At the age of fifteen years old April Hollerford attempted suicide for the first time. And it wouldn't be her last. An overdose of sleeping pills only led to Bruce Fey, the only person who witnessed it, dragging her to the hospital, having the nurses and doctor's pump the drugs out of her system to save her life. April got lucky and survived the episode. However this only led to Bruce bringing April back home and scolding her. Why would she try to take her own life after everything her parents did for her, and everything Bruce was doing for her then?
However April knew at that very moment that it was Bruce himself that was making her feel the way she did. Mental health was never an issue in her family as far as she knew. No one really suffered from anything. Even if they did, she was never told. But right at that moment April did not know how to keep going on in life when she feared it so much.
After her first suicide attempt, it soon turned to a reluctance of paying for therapy sessions and anti-depressants that made no impact to April's health.
Now over two years later, the fear of staying alive only increased and so did the number of suicide attempts. Perhaps death would bring her peace. Death would take her away from this world. She has no family. Her parents were killed in a supposed car accident on her thirteenth birthday. She lives with Bruce Fey, a family friend who is not the same as he was before her parent's death. The police and Wandsworth council seemed absolutely fine for Bruce Fey to look after April while she grows up. But little did they know at the time what he was going to do to her.
He is the one person in the world April is more afraid of than herself.
But now it is almost five years since she lost her parents and a seventeen year old April Hollerford, wishes to be dead before she reaches her eighteenth birthday.
On a wet Tuesday night, the wind buzzes lightly against the panes of the windows, echoing around the nearly silent house. The house is only small so the littlest sound can be heard all around. Every so often the wind gets a little too harsh and buzzes loudly against the windows, putting pressure around the little terraced house, and yet April only fears that the wind may disturb Bruce Fey's sleep.
It is 11:42pm exactly and April sits in the small and cluttered hallway, directly outside Bruce's bedroom door which has been left open ajar. With her knees up close to her chest, she looks down at her wrist watch and counts the seconds silently, only mouthing the numbers. While counting she listens to Bruce's slow breathing as he sleeps deeply through the night. Occasionally he stirs and rolls over in his sleep. Every time he moves, April finds herself holding onto her breath in fear of him waking up and catching her awake.
It is getting on to 11:50pm and once the second hand finally reaches midnight, April presses her ear against the door. Bruce is fast asleep. She knows it. It takes a lot to disturb him in his sleep but the fear of doing anything to wake him is enough to make April hold her breath.
April hauls herself back onto her feet and silently creeps across the hallway and into her cold bedroom. Her bedroom is rather small and cramped, just like the rest of the house. When her parents were alive, the house still seemed small but it was tidy. Her mother would never leave anything lying around. But with Bruce, however, he leaves everything around the house, and it has only built up over the years. It only takes her a few steps to walk from one end to the other, if she's lucky to not trip over something. She closes the door behind her and hurriedly stuffs a large flask of coffee and some leftover food in her rucksack, along with an astronomy text book and some spare sheets of paper she found, and a couple of pens. Hauling the bag off her bed, she pauses for a moment, once more listening to Bruce snoring in the room next door. When she is certain of herself, she turns to her bedroom window overlooking the cul-de-sac she lives in, and pushes it open. Then without further ado she sits up on the window ledge.
The cold air from outside blows into the room sending shivers down April's spine. It's early March. The spring warmth hasn't quite arrived to London yet. The house April lives in is right is right at the end of the cul-de-sac. The cul-de-sac doesn't end in a circle like most usually do, this one just curves around at a light bend and ends at a brick wall. The brick wall is directly to the left of April's house and runs along to the side of the house directly opposite her. There are five houses to the right that curve around the road to the end where it links onto the next residential road.
There is a single lamppost standing just in the bend of the road beside the small grass area in the bend. The grass area directly opposite April's house ends at a brick wall to the end of the cul-de-sac and is cornered off by the side wall of the house directly opposite. April remains sitting on the edge as she watches a young man leaning against the lamppost. He looks no older than she is. April has lived here for her whole life. That boy only moved in a few years ago but not once have they ever spoken. Nor does she even know his name. Everyone knows everything about everyone in this cul-de-sac. Everyone knows about April and the death of her parents five years ago. However April knows very little of her neighbours. She only judges by what she sees as her life has been confined in that tiny house. Most days when she is feeling relatively okay, she will sit on the windowsill and watch life go by outside wondering what she did wrong to be living this life.
On days like this she sometimes wishes that she could just live a mundane life everyone on this street does. There is a tiny glint of hope inside of her for a different life. But then Bruce returns from work and then these thoughts disappear. There is no point.
But every suicide attempt has been a fail. No matter how many pills she swallows, nooses she ties or slits on her wrists she cuts, nothing seems to do the trick. It is as if there is something that is willing her to keep going. But even that thought is just barbaric.
But on rare nights like this, April has a plan. A plan she sometimes can get out of bed to do. She sighs and continues to watch to boy outside standing under the lamppost.
The young boy lives a couple of houses down and all April knows is that he lives with his grandmother. His grandmother that is completely against the likes of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Although it is past midnight, the boy isn't exactly being subtle about his smoking habits. Especially how nosy everyone around this cul-de-sac can be. That's the problem with Wandsworth. Everyone here is very nosy, and it doesn't help that her parents seemed to know everyone.
April watches the boy as he drops the end of his cigarette butt on the ground and stamps it out with the ball of his foot before heading back into his house with his hands dug deeply into his jacket pockets. He looks side to side guiltily as he walks. Not once does the boy notice April sitting up on the window ledge watching him.
Once the boy disappears into his house, April looks out over the cul-de-sac and the London city buildings in the distance. Only a few roads down from where she is, is Wandsworth prison and the top of it can be see clearly from where she is. This is April's childhood home and the view is something she always used to admire. But now the home is her fear. However April doesn't know what scares her the most: the memories in her house and the way Bruce treats her or her own mind.
Her therapist often tells her that she needs to help herself before allowing anyone to help her. She has to stand on her own two feet. But April is not asking for help from anyone. Going to therapy, to her, is not asking for help, it is an escape away from the house for a few hours. But April often wonders what her parents would do if they knew about the state she was putting herself in, if they were still alive. Declan would be angry and Suzette no doubt would do anything to stop her. April used to see herself in her parents but right now, it is as if they are strangers.
They apparently died in a tragic car accident on her birthday. But even today, April does not believe that is is the truth.
The sky has an orange tinge to it that reflects off the street lamps. It's unclear to tell whether the stars are out or if they are covered by clouds. Yet living in London, it is always near on impossible to look at the stars with the naked eye.
Dogs bark in the distance and a few cars speed past along the main road every so often. The city of London never sleeps and April fears that she may bump into anyone that may know of her and Bruce along her route.
April picks up her bag and throws it out the window, allowing it to land on the front lawn with a small thump. She pauses for a moment just in case Bruce wakes up, yet his snores are still heard from his room. Then gripping onto the window ledge, April turns and starts to climb out of the window. She swings her legs over the edge and finds the crack in the wall where she can safely place her feet. After steadying herself and finding her balance, she climbs down the wall until she reaches the window below. Once she is there, she jumps down onto the lawn with ease just as she has done so many nights before.
She does not even hesitate before picking up her rucksack, swinging it onto her back and running out the cul-de-sac. She runs at a light jog but not once does she look back. When she reaches the end of her cul-de-sac, she run across the road, cutting across a green square surrounded by houses, and jogs along the side of Wandsworth prison. She eventually reaches the main road and starts jogging towards Clapham Junction train station.
The busiest railway station in the country seems relatively quiet at this time of night. There are a few people dotted around but April pays no attention to them. She jumps on the first train to Waterloo and then takes the tube takes her towards the University of London's observatory.
Since April was a little girl, astronomy was something that she was passionate about. Her parents, especially Declan, seemed to have a lot of knowledge on the subject, but April dedicated a lot of her time to studying the stars, dreaming that one day she would see them herself.
The dream seems far too out of reach right now. But every so often, April likes to visit the observatory where she can study with many of the astronomers there. She has formed a small alliance with them through her parents. This is something that Bruce does not know of.
Once April reaches the gate to the observatory, she pulls her father's identification key card she managed to take from his remaining possessions, out of her jean pocket and scans it on the panel to the side of the door frame. The panel beeps a couple of times followed by a click as the large iron gate starts to open inwards slowly. April watches it swing open before squeezing through the gap.
The observatory is quiet as she jogs across the car park to the large circular building in the centre. She swipes her key card again on another panel by a door and it clicks to unlock. Grabbing hold of the mental handle, she pulls the door open and steps inside the round observatory. Taking in the brightness radiating off the ceiling lights and computer screens, April sees about a dozen astronomers wearing long white lab coats, running around and taking notes excitedly around the large telescope in the centre of the laboratory. Sensing their excitement, April looks up at the top of the telescope which peeps out the top of the observatory's glass rounded roof.
One of the astronomers wearing thick, black, round glasses looks up from his clipboard and notices April walking through the observatory, gazing up at the telescope. The man smiles broadly.
"Ah, April, there you are!" He calls which brings everyone's attention to April. "We have a surprise for you." His smile widens as he approaches her, however April does not return one. Once she reaches the computers in the centre, she takes off her bag and drops it clumsily on the floor. Another astronomer picks it up and places it neatly on one of the swivel chairs as she moves towards the telescope.
April notices that there is a slight change of mood in the observatory tonight. Usually it is quiet and they often sit around the computers doing research in which April helps with. But tonight the air is filled with excitement like change is on its way.
Visiting the observatory most nights and researching with professional astronomers was the only thing that keeps April's mental health at bay.
"Take a look, April. See if you can figure out what it is." Another astronomer, who cradles a clipboard to his chest, says. April silently walks to the telescope, glancing up at the ceiling before looking down through the eye piece. She stays there for a moment, examining the strange looking planet that the telescope is focused on. This new planet is of a cream colour with peculiar circular brown and orange markings across its surface.
"Fifty six light years away." April mutters under her breath as she twists a nozzle on the eyepiece to zoom out ever so slowly.
"Fifty six point three to be precise," The astronomer to her left corrects. "It's quite habitual. We think somewhat similar to planet Earth as it's just about the same distance from its sun as we are except their orbital cycle is a little slower by at least twelve weeks," The astronomer pauses momentarily as if expecting April to say something but she doesn't. "What do you think?"
The astronomers here were very close friends to her father and she notices the way they are very tentative around her, but she says nothing about this.
There is a long pause as April continues to examine the planet. She is aware of the other astronomers around her eagerly awaiting for her response. She ignores them and continues to watch this interesting planet. She admits to herself that this planet resembles very slightly to a crème brulee which her mother used to make all the time. However as she zooms out on the telescope, she quickly discovers that the planet's atmosphere is cluttered with small asteroids. As she continues to slowly zoom out, she notices that there are more and larger asteroids circling the planet.
"Most likely not habitable any more," She says eventually, keeping her voice monotone. "There are asteroids surrounding the planet." April takes a step back from the eyepiece and looks up at the ceiling. One of the other astronomers takes a step forward to look through the eyepiece.
"Explain your point." One of the female astronomers encourages.
April folds her arms across her chest. "Well think about it, the way the speed of light travels in light years, we never see other planets or stars in the present moment. We always see them as how they were in the past. It's the same as looking at your own reflection in the mirror. Depending on your distance to your reflection, you're always looking at yourself in the past, never the present moment. Therefore we're looking at this new 'habitable' planet fifty six point three light years away that's," April hesitates for a moment. "God knows how many years in the past but it won't be the same now. And judging by the many different asteroids surrounding the plant and floating in its atmosphere, I doubt anything will be living on it now. Most likely the asteroids would have collided into the planet. At some point," April shrugs her shoulders. "Just a hazard guess. Could be wrong."
There is a moment of silence before the astronomers start to mutter among each other and take notes.
An hour passes and April starts to work with everyone as they study the planet: looking at the texture of the air and the ground, the amount of water it holds, the hotness of the air and what type of creatures would be able to survive on such a planet. Other astronomers start to measure the distance between the planet and the asteroids, the distance between each asteroid and the speed of their movement.
It is getting close to two o'clock that morning and April, along with one of the other female astronomers, Mrs Wimble, are standing on the balcony of the observatory, overlooking London. April clasps her flask of tea in her hands as the wind blow harshly. She runs her fingers through her mid-length black hair which is blowing in her face.
"Is this what you want to do in life?" Mrs Wimble asks after a long silence, taking in a drag of her cigarette. "Go up and see the stars and discover what's really out there?"
April nods as she purses her lips.
"You could do it you know," Mrs Wimble continues. "Go out and see the universe up close for real. I can see it: April Hollerford, the first female astronomer to land on Mars!" She chuckles lightly.
April snorts. "Because we have that sort of advanced technology."
Mrs Wimble sighs. "Or maybe not."
April shifts on the spot. "Nah we'd never make it past the moon." She glances at Mrs Wimble. "And I'm not exactly an astronomer either."
"Yet."
"I don't have the qualifications." April's voice is merely a grumble.
Mrs Wimble laughs heartily. "And you're stopping yourself from getting them. You know that," she shifts turns to look at April. "April, your father was a good friend of ours. He was a fantastic inventor, you know that. He tried to enhance our equipment. There just wasn't enough money to make it. Unfortunately he was unsuccessful and businesses never bought his creative work. But since your parents..." she hesitates. "For the past five years with all the help you've given us and the true statements you've discovered yourself, I don't think you need GCSE, A Level or even a degree to be part of our team. Someday, April, you will go out there to see the stars. I believe in you."
April looks down at her flask; the natural scowl on her face, which she has apparently had for most of her life, increases. The crease lines in her forehead becomes prominent. Mrs Wimble hopes to see April smile one day but the young girl never likes to talk about the reasoning's as why she seems so unhappy. Mrs Wimble constantly worries about April's mental health seeing as she never opens up to anyone which makes it increasingly hard for others to help her, let alone April to help herself.
April takes a sip of her coffee and remains silent.
Mrs Wimble changes her position so that she can face April rather than out to London. "How is it back at home?" She asks. "Has your therapist helped at all?"
April takes the last gulp of her coffee. Her scars on her wrists hidden under her hoodie sleeves suddenly start to feel like they are burning at the mention of her therapist.
"Yeah," She starts. "It's uhm…it's opened my mind a little."
Mrs Wimble sighs knowing that April is lying to her. "What about Bruce? He doesn't know you're here, does he?"
April's eyes hover over her flask before she pushes herself away from the metal rail. "I don't think he's quite recovered from my parent's death." April forces herself to smile but the smile does not reach her eyes, nor does it remove the scowl that constantly remains on her forehead. She lets her words hang in the air knowing that that is not the case. She knows that Mrs Wimble thinks the same.
"April," Mrs Wimble says softly. "You're parents died five years ago. He doesn't hurt you, does he?"
April hesitates for a little too long.
"April." Mrs Wimble warns.
"He doesn't," April lies. "He's just very distant."
It is clear that April is lying and that there is something she is hiding from, but Mrs Wimble doesn't bring up the subject again. Instead she looks back out to London again and finishes off her cigarette.
As it gets closer to four o'clock, April knows that it is only three hours before Bruce will wake up in time for work. She collects all her belongings, stuffing them back into her rucksack and leaves the observatory. She runs along the streets, taking the tube, going the same way she came and back to her cul-de-sac in Wandsworth.
Once she reaches her house, she climbs up on the top of the window ledge and using all her arm strength, she hauls herself through her bedroom window and clambers inside. However she clumsily knocks over a china model of a ballet dancer from the windowsill but catches it easily with one hand, stopping it from falling on the ground. Silence fills the house which is only quickly followed by Bruce's snoring. April manages to hide her rucksack away under her bed before setting her alarm and getting into her pyjamas.
Night slowly turns into dawn and April is so awake from the excitement of discovering a new planet that she can't even bring herself to attempt to try to fall asleep. Nor does she really want to sleep – excited or not.
But just as soon as she crawls into her bed that is a little too small for her, she hears a noise outside on the road. A quick high pitched machinery sound that only lasts a couple of seconds before it goes. April gets out of bed and moves over to the window. She looks out at the cul-de-sac. All that can be seen is a man wearing a long brown coat running away. April watches him with curiosity, sure that she has not seen him around this area before.
Once the man disappears, her neighbour's burglar alarm suddenly goes off. April jumps in fright and closes her eyes tightly in a panic.
In a matter of seconds, her anxiety starts to get the better of her. Her breathing becomes rapid and her throat closes up, making it harder for her to breathe. Before she has anytime to process her anxiety attack, her bedroom door bursts open.
It is only moments later before Bruce Fey storms across the room and out of his uncontrollable anger, knocks April unconscious on the floor.
