You know you really care about someone when your brain gets angry but your heart doesn't.
It had been a week since Remus had spoken to Sirius. He wanted to, but his head was just so mad. Every time he thought about what had happened it hurt. His head pounded, and the ground swam before his eyes. What gave him the right? Who did he think he was?
But when Remus wasn't thinking about it, he missed Sirius with every fiber of his being. He didn't notice it at first, it wasn't something he was trying to do. But there would be split seconds where he would turn to tell him something and he wasn't there. When he would reach for his phone to send him a quick text before remembering. When he would begin to make two pieces of toast in the morning instead of his usual one. Worst of all was when he would roll over in the middle of the night, reaching for someone, wanting arms and legs and hair, and coming up with only sheets.
Every morning Remus got up and tried to pretend he didn't still love him.
Sirius had been staying with James since he had picked up his bags that night. If Remus was telling himself every morning that he didn't love Sirius, Sirius was telling himself every morning that he didn't miss Remus. That he didn't deserve to.
Every text he typed out was deleted. This is your fault. Every letter he wrote down was erased. You don't deserve a second chance. Every word he wanted to say to say got swallowed. He doesn't want to hear you. Every step towards his old home, back tracked. He doesn't want to see you.
He hated the pitying looks he got from James every morning. The way Lily bit her tongue every time she saw him. The way conversations stalled every time he walked in the room. Oh how he wanted to apologize, but nothing he could think to say was enough.
So Sirius threw himself into work, picking up extra shifts, staying late, working overtime without pay, just so he didn't have to see his friends. Just so he didn't have to go home.
Home. He couldn't go home.
Instead he had to return to James's dorm room every night, and he was so grateful James had let him stay with him, but all he wanted to do was climb into bed- his bed- with Remus one more time.
One of his coworkers walked into the bar, finding him slumped behind the wooden slab, head in his hands.
"Shift's done, you can take off."
"Are you sure you don't want me to cover for you? I don't mind staying." Sirius didn't take his head out of his hands, the conversation muffled through his fingers.
"Man, you've taken three of my shifts this week alone. Any more and I'm going to be out of a job."
Sirius slung his bag over his shoulder and sullenly began the walk home. No. Not home.
Walking down the hallway, Sirius could hear muffled voices behind James's door.
"How do you stop being in love with someone?"
"I don't think that's on our chemistry test, Rem."
Sirius, the words not registering, opened the door. All heads turned towards him, James at his desk, and Lily and Remus crowded around chemistry notes on the floor. James and Lily and Remus. And Remus.
For a second, no one spoke.
"Shit man, we thought you were going to be at work for another hour at least." James was the first to move, getting up from his desk and in between Remus and Sirius, shielding Sirius's view.
But not before he had seen those eyes. The ones he hadn't seen in a week. The ones that could look into his very soul.
"I'm sorry. I-" Sirius stuttered, "I'll leave. Walk around for a bit." He didn't have anywhere else to go. Except maybe back to the bar to get drunk.
"No, I'll go." The first words Remus had said to him since he had told him not to come home. He scooped his chemistry notes into his bookbag. "I'll see you in the library tomorrow, Lils, and we can study some more." He rushed out of the room, his face flaming, his arm barely touching Sirius as he fled, the door slamming behind him.
Sirius couldn't look either of his shocked friends in the eye. He dropped his bag, sunk down in a corner and began to cry.
James and Lily whispered goodbyes to each other, Lily leaving with her stuff, and James sitting down at the end of his bed.
"Sirius?" He spoke softly after a few minutes. Sirius tried to stop sobbing, tried to stop the ache in his chest that was ripping him apart.
"I'm fine." He wiped his eyes, getting up shakily.
"You're not. I think you should talk to him."
"What am I supposed to say James?" James had expected him to sound sad, but the only thing in Sirius's voice was defeat. "I don't deserve him, James. I'm never going to find something like this again, and I want it back so fucking bad, but it's my own fucking fault and nothing I say can make it right." Sirius desperately tried to fight the second wave of tears as the spilled out of his eyes.
Outside the dorm, Lily had caught up with Remus.
"Remus wait." He stopped but didn't turn, trying to dry his face before she could see him. "You still love him. You told me yourself."
He turned to face her, his cheeks still damp. "So?"
"You've got to let him know. Talk to him. He's killing himself over this and I can't stand back and watch you both suffer."
"I'm not suffering."
"Yeah and I'm the Queen." Lily crossed her arms. "Don't lie to me Remus. I see you break every time you catch yourself wanting to say something to him."
"I don't know what to say."
"Tell him you forgive him. It was a mistake, Remus."
"I don't know that I do."
"Do you think you could?"
"Eventually."
"He deserves to know." Lily let him go on his way, walking the opposite direction to her own dorm. Her heart hurt at the thought of her two friends never speaking again. In a way she felt partially responsible, since it had all been to protect her.
And Snape hadn't bothered her since. They had saved her from him but it had torn them apart.
And she had never seen two people love each other more than Remus and Sirius. Not even her and James, and she knew for a fact she was going to marry him one day. They would never find something like that again. It couldn't be over. It just couldn't.
Another week goes by slower than both of them thought time could pass. Sirius saw Remus three times, each time darting his glance down, quickening his pace, trying to forget the times he couldn't look away, the times he had never wanted to leave. Remus saw him too, his heart breaking with each step Sirius walked away.
There were so many times during that week that Sirius wanted to reach out. But he can't, scared of overstepping bounds...again. Why is it harder to say sorry when you understand how much you were wrong?
Lily pestered Remus all week. "Talk to him Rem, just talk to him." Nothing gets through.
Except for James.
"Remus we need to talk." Remus tried not to roll his eyes back into his head, mentally preparing himself for the barrage of 'but you love him' and 'he's really sorry.'
"Yeah James?"
"Me and Lily broke up."
"What!?" He was kidding right? "What happened James?"
"She called me obnoxious. Disagreeable. Took my worst fears and confirmed them." Remus was confused. They had broken up because of...that?
"I don't mean to be rude James, but that sounds like a bit of an overreaction."
"She wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it. I mean forget all the amazing times we had, if that's how she really feels, forget it."
"Do you hear yourself?' Remus asked. "You're throwing away all the wonderful times you had over something she said, probably in anger, and probably...no definitely didn't mean?"
"You're right. Just because she said something she didn't mean doesn't mean I don't love her. Doesn't erase every fantastic memory I have with her face in it. Doesn't mean I can't forgive her, or trust her again."
Remus was beginning to understand what this conversation was about. "You guys didn't really break up did you."
"No."
"He did a bit more than call me obnoxious, James."
"I know. But the principle still stands."
"It's not the-" Remus started but James cut him off.
"I know it's not the same Remus. I know what he said broke your trust and hurt more than I'll ever understand. I'm just using an easier to understand situation to get you to try to see that throwing this away might be something you'll regret."
Remus didn't answer.
"Do you remember your first date? I know we've never talked about it together, but I can tell you that the night Sirius came home, he talked to me about you until three in the morning. I've listened to in depth, thesis level analyses of almost all of your dates, with pleasure, because I have never seen him so happy. Do you remember all the times I've come to you guys for relationship advice? It's not just because we're friends, its because you guys work."
"But what he said-"
"What he said was a mistake. HIV is not what he sees when he looks at you Rem. I am more sure of that than almost anything in the world. Because he's told me what he sees when he looks at you. And it's your sense of humor, your mind, your compassion, your amazing drive. And it should be him telling you this, not me, I know, but he is killing himself over this."
Remus stood there, his breath caught.
"Don't do this to him. Don't do this to yourself. Just-" James put his hand on Remus's shoulder, "Talk to him. At least." His speech said, James wandered off to his next class, leaving Remus stunned in the courtyard.
When Sirius got home he was drunk. It had been a slow night at the bar, and all he wanted was a tequila or maybe seven. Who cares if you get fired if you're not going to amount to anything anyways.
He fumbled with the lock on James's door for about three minutes before stumbling through the door frame, knocking over a lamp as he went.
"Heeeeeeeeeey Jamesss." He slurred, smiling bleary eyed, up at James and Lily, who were talking earnestly to each other. "Can't feel hurt iff youuu can't feeeeeel your faaace."
"Sirius oh my god, are you drunk?" James looked disappointed and Lily had her hand over her mouth. "Oh, buddy, this is literally the worst night to be drunk."
"I'm not drunk." Sirius tried to stand up straight but the effort made him giggle. "I'm shiiitfaaced."
"Oh my god," Lily groaned, "Sirius, did you see the door?"
James had walked over to the door of his room and peeled down a piece of paper that had been taped there. He handed it to Sirius.
"To drunk to read to drunk to read." Sirius mumbled, handing the paper back. If he could have seen through the tequila flavored haze he would have read 'We need to talk. Meet me at the courtyard?' in Remus's hurried handwriting.
"Sirius, it Remus. He wants to talk to you."
Even the news he had been waiting for all week couldn't sober him up completely. But he made an effort. "What? I'll go I'll go I'll go-" He hiccuped and then clamped a hand over his mouth. "Shiiit," Sirius ran to the bathroom, punctuating his arrival by throwing up. James sighed, hoping he had made the toilet.
"He's not going anywhere. I'll put him in bed. Call Remus and tell him he can come if he wants but he's not going to remember anything in the morning." James kissed Lily on the forehead and went into the bathroom to try and guide Sirius into a bed.
Minutes after the call Remus was knocking on James's door.
"Tequila?"
"Smells like it." Lily let him in and he rushed over to the bed where Sirius was almost passed out.
"Hey you idiot." He sat down by the side of the bed. "How many?" Sirius held up seven fingers. Remus hoped it was because he was too drunk to count. "Jesus Christ, Siri, you know tequila makes you do stupid things."
"Oooh, like that one tiiimeā¦"
"Oh boy, they don't need to hear about that." Remus shut him up before he could finish the story. James and Lily, sensing there would be other things they didn't need to hear, quietly left the room.
Remus sat by his bed for a while, holding James's trash can for him to puke in, and stroking his hair, winding his fingers in between the dark strands. It's amazing how quick old habits return. Everything he had wanted to say to him in the courtyard melted away. Remus knew he hadn't meant it, and even the day it had happened he had seen how instantly Sirius regretted it. It was pointless to make him- to make them both- suffer.
Remus was almost asleep himself, when a drunk voice floated out into the quiet.
"Remus. I'm sorry."
"I know Sirius. I forgive you."
"Nooo. You shouldn't." Came the slurred reply.
"Well I do anyways." Seeing Sirius again had made Remus realize that James was right. He would regret throwing this away. It was stupid to be angry. How could anyone be angry at this tiny drunk slob. " I think this hangover is going to be punishment enough."
That made Sirius laugh, and soon Remus was laughing as well. One super drunk idiot, and one totally in love fool rolling around laughing at nothing.
The laughter subsided, the alcohol just at the point of putting Sirius to sleep. Remus brushed Sirius's hair of his damp forehead and kissed him right on the hairline, wrinkling his nose at the strong tequila smell.
"I love you, Sirius Black."
"I love you too."
