I do not own NCIS or any of the characters on the show. I really wish I did, because then I could hang out with Gibbs and the Gang on a regular basis. Warning, this chapter contains discussion of violence and sexual assault. If that will offend or upset you then please don't read this. If it won't upset you then please enjoy the next chapter in our journey. It should have an angst alert on it too I suppose. Enjoy!

Letting Go

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go. -- Sylvia Robinson


Tony was still sitting in the hallway with his head in his hands trying to process Ducky's news when her room was suddenly swarmed by a doctor and several nurses. He jumped up and attempted to enter the room only to be stopped forcefully by Gibbs and Ducky. He began to pace restlessly in circles until the doctor finally came out of the room and addressed him.

The man looked serious as he stood there, his arms crossed against his chest. "Agent DiNozzo, we have to take her to surgery. We've been monitoring her blood pressure since she came in, and it suddenly dropped dangerously low. We're certain that she's got some internal bleeding, and her spleen is the most likely culprit. If we don't do the surgery now she will bleed to death."

Tony nodded wordlessly, a stricken expression on his face, and allowed himself to be pushed gently down the hall to the nurse's station to sign the necessary consent forms. He watched silently as they pushed her bed rapidly down the hall towards the elevators and then sat heavily in a nearby chair. He could feel Gibbs' hand on his shoulder, and he took comfort from the grasp of his surrogate father.

Tony wanted to pray. He figured that it was what people did in this kind of situation. He had not prayed in years having given up on a religion that told him to honor his father even though the man had spent years ignoring him or worse, but he found himself searching his memory for any words that would bring some kind of divine intervention and save the life of the woman that he loved.

Gibbs stood by Tony's side and felt helpless. There wasn't much he could say or do to help, so he sat beside him in the uncomfortable chairs and tried to offer comfort just with his very presence.

The nurse finally came and took them up to the surgical waiting room. Tony sat silent with his head in his hands as he thought about what he'd learned. Eve had been pregnant. She'd been kidnapped, beaten, strangled, possibly raped and had miscarried their baby. He realized that he was scared that he was going to lose everything important to him. Their life together had never exactly been Ozzy and Harriet, but it made him feel complete in a way he couldn't explain.

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair making it stand on end. The waiting was driving him mad. He wanted answers, and he wanted them now. He felt Gibbs place a comforting hand on the back of his neck and turned his head to meet his eyes

"I don't know how much more waiting I can take."

"I know Tony. Just be patient; the doctor will be out soon. How are you; you've had a lot thrown at you tonight. Where's your head?"

Tony sat and stared at his hands for a couple of minutes before replying. "I don't know. I mean what Davis did to her notwithstanding, I just found out that she…we were going to have a baby and now we're not." He gulped in air and rubbed his face viciously. "I'm just so goddamned angry, Boss. That bastard took something from us that we can't ever get back. I hope he's dead. I don't want to have to tell her that he's still alive and our baby isn't." He paused again and started to massage his temples.

Gibbs sat there, listening as Tony ranted then asked, "How would you have felt about her being pregnant?"

Tony looked at Gibbs and blinked, his eyes glassy with tears he refused to shed, as he replied, "It would have been an adjustment since we hadn't discussed it, but it would… it would have been amazing. I don't know what kind of father I'd be…I had such a great example growing up…" His sarcasm was apparent, but Gibbs simply waited for Tony to finish his thought. "…but she would have been a wonderful mother…"

Gibbs snorted and was surprised to see Tony's head snap up as if he'd been slapped.

"Boss, you don't know her like I do. You've never seen that side of her, no one, with the exception of Abby and Ducky, has really even made an effort. You know how highly I think of you, Gibbs, I mean you're closer to me than my own father is, but I love her, and I can't imagine my life without her in it. I just wish the two of you could quit fighting with each other long enough to see that it's tearing me apart. There is room in my life for both of you; will you please just give her a chance?"

Gibbs felt a wave of guilt roll over him, and felt the corresponding burn of embarrassment on the back of his neck and his ears. Tony was right; he'd never really given her a chance to show just what she felt for DiNozzo. He finally looked up and met serious green eyes. "You're right. I guess that she and I need to have a talk when she's feeling better…"

He was interrupted by the doctor coming through the swinging doors. He looked exhausted, and his scrubs were covered in sweat and smeared with blood. "Agent DiNozzo?"

Tony stood expectantly and waited, "How is she?"

"It was touch and go for a while; the bleeding was worse than we anticipated. She's a fighter and she came through it like a champ. We removed her spleen and stopped the hemorrhaging. She's in recovery getting a transfusion now, and we'll be putting her in a room as soon as possible."

"Can I see her…just for a second, please?'

The doctor smiled, he could feel the young man's concern, and saw no harm in allowing him to sit with his lover. "I'll get the nurse to take you back. You can sit with her until she goes to her room."

Tony grabbed the doctor's hand and shook it. "Thank you for everything."

"I'll check back with her after she's been awake for a while." He turned and walked back through the swinging doors and disappeared.

A few minutes after that a nurse came and escorted Tony to the recovery area. He sat by the bed and gently stroked her arm. She looked peaceful in her drug induced slumber, the bruises vivid against her pale skin. He took a deep breath, and finally began to speak, saying whatever came to mind.

"Hey Evie…the doctor said you're going to be fine…they told me I could sit here with you while you wake up." He paused and brushed her hair back from her face then continued his voice a hoarse whisper. "Ducky told me…oh God, I wish…I don't know…I wish I had been with you when you found out you could be pregnant…I wish it had been me that was taken so you wouldn't have gone through all this…I wish our baby…" His voice broke and he put his head down on the edge of the bed. He sat there, hot tears scalding his eyes soaking into the sheets when he felt her fingers slowly thread through his hair. He looked up and found himself staring into a pair of emerald green eyes that mirrored his own inner turmoil.

She gave a tremulous smile and whispered, "What happened?"

"You had emergency surgery; you started to hemorrhage and they removed your spleen. You're going to be fine though."

She looked longingly at the cup of ice the nurse had left on the tray-table. Tony reached for it and gently wet her lips with a small piece of ice before letting her suck it from his fingers.

"I'm sorry about everything…I…"

"Hey! Stop that right now. You don't have anything to apologize for. I love you. I would have loved our baby, and you would have been such a great mom…"

Tears started to slip from her eyes as he gently picked up her hand, being careful of the I.V., and pressed his lips to it.

"Will you tell me what happened to you?"

She looked at him through her tears. "Does it matter?"

"Not to me, never to me…I just want you to heal, and you won't if you don't talk to someone about it."

She averted her eyes from his and stared at the sheet. She really didn't want him to know what had happened in that room. It wouldn't change anything or make it go away. She took a deep breath and finally said in that voice that wasn't more than a harsh whisper, "One day…maybe."

He sat beside her; comforting her as she cried, and then as she finally succumbed to sleep once again.


When Eve woke again she found herself in a private room and Gibbs sitting in the chair beside her bed. She lay there for the longest time watching him as he worked a crossword puzzle. He was muttering aloud and finally said, "Hmmm, main artery, five letters…"

She spoke up quietly, "Aorta. Where's Tony?"

He looked up suddenly to find her eyes on his face as he wrote the answer in. "He's getting cleaned up. How long have you been awake?"

"Not long. Gibbs…I just want to thank you for saving my life. I know I would have suffocated if you hadn't been able to get me breathing."

He shook off her thanks and leaned forward in his chair. "You saved Abby. Why would you take such a beating for her? DiNozzo I can understand, but why would you do that for any of the rest of us?"

"Why do you want to know?"

Agent Dupree…Eve, It's important to me. I need to know why."

She began to pluck at the blanket restlessly as she formulated her reply. "You know how I feel about Tony."

He continued to question her. "Actually, you've never said exactly."

She gave an absent smile as she contemplated Tony. "I love him more than you can ever imagine."

Gibbs continued to press, somehow knowing that her answer was important and was something he needed to know. "Why would you take a near fatal beating for us though?"

"Because he would, that's why."

"You love him that much?"

Her voice was deadly serious when she replied, "I will love him until the day I die."

Gibbs nodded, seeming to come to some decision, and then he reached out and picked up her hand. "I think it's time we declared a truce."

She gave him a crooked smile then whispered, "That works for me…" The pair sat in companionable silence until the man they both loved reentered the room.


For the two weeks she stayed in the hospital Tony was able to keep the news from her that Davis had survived his injuries and was again in FBI custody. For those two weeks she didn't mention Davis or anything about her ordeal. He'd asked several more times for her to tell him what had happened, and each time she had turned her head away and refused to answer. She seemed to go deeper inside herself as she dealt with her memories and the nightmares that it had brought. She had actually lost weight while recovering since her appetite had been virtually non-existent, and she had spent most of her time staring at the walls of her room. She hadn't cried since she had awakened from her surgery, and he was getting worried about her lack of reaction.

It wasn't until he had finally got her home that he was able to see exactly how bad things could be. She spent another two weeks sitting in the window sill of the big picture window in their living room, just watching the people in the streets below. She she had quit sleeping in the bed, had actually quit sleeping completely in an attempt to stave off the nightmares that came with regularity. She didn't leave the apartment unless he made her go, and she seemed to have lost the spark that made her so unique.

Tony finally got tired of watching her wither away to nothing. She had slowly turned into a ghost that silently haunted the apartment they shared. He consulted the NCIS psychologist to ask about PTSD and how to help her deal with it. Once he was armed with that information, he came home one evening determined to have it out with her, to make her give him some kind of reaction. He found her sitting on the deck with a cigarette in hand as she watched the sun slowly set on the horizon. He sat down beside her.

"It's good to see you outside, even if you are smoking again."

She didn't respond, just stared off into the horizon. She had become completely emotionally detached from him and their life together.

He tried again. "Eve, please talk to me about this...it's killing you…us…please just tell me what you want me to do."

She looked at him and just shook her head then stood and walked back inside the apartment without answering. He followed and grabbed her arm forcing her to look at him. "Talk to me, Goddamn it! I'm not going to lose you to…THIS!"

Something flared behind eyes that had been dull for too long. "You want me to talk to you? You really want to know what happened." Eve clinched her hands into fists as she watched him rant at her.

"Yes damn it! I want you not this wraith that has been living in our apartment. Tell me so we can get past it."

She saw the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes, and that finally got through to her. Eve realized that he was hurting, and she wasn't making it any better. She took a deep breath, walked over to where he stood and slowly put her arms around his waist. It was the first time she had touched him voluntarily in almost a month. "Tony…"

As soon as he felt her arms wrap around him he relaxed and swooped her up in his arms. He sat down on the couch with her in his lap, cuddling her as close as he could. "Tell me, Evie, please…"

She sat there silent for the longest time then she said in a small voice, "He raped me."

Tony sat as still as possible and tried not to flinch when she began to give him details of the attack.

"I wouldn't tell them anything, and I wouldn't quit fighting, so his men held me down and Davis raped me. I laughed at him…told him he was a joke and a coward, and that's when he beat and strangled me the first time. I really thought I was going to die. I lost consciousness; when I finally came to I was covered in blood, and I realized that I had miscarried..." Her voice trailed off as she started to shake. He felt her tears wet his shirt as she began to cry. "Tony it wasn't the rape…that was bad, but it can be an occupational hazzard; I can compartmentalize that; it was losing our baby...when I realized I had, I…Christ! I'm so sorry." She began to cry in earnest, and he knew that it was going to finally be alright. She had let go of everything and could finally grieve.

He held her for the longest time while she released her pent-up sorrow, and when her sobs finally subsided he tilted her head up so he could look at her face. "We're going to get through this, and we're going to get through Davis' trial."

She went completely still in his lap then asked, "What do you mean his trial?"

"He survived the stab wounds. The FBI has him in custody again" Shit! He hadn't meant to let that slip.

She sat silent while she digested that bit of information then she said, "Good."

He was taken aback by her answer. "Good?"

"Yeah, good, this way I get to kill him. An eye for an eye."

Tony let that go, not wanting to push her away again. "You need to get some sleep. Come on, let's go to bed."

He stood up and carried her into the bedroom and gently tossed her on the bed. She lay there for a minute and watched him intently then finally patted the mattress next to her. He gave her a huge smile then stripped down to his boxers and slid in beside her. He took a deep breath when she immediately snuggled up next to him and rested her head on his chest. It was the first time they had shared the bed since she'd been home, and he realized just how much he'd missed it.

He pressed a kiss into the top of her head then whispered, "Evie?"

"Hmmm…" She had already started drifting off to sleep.

"Do you want to try again?"

"Maybe…once I'm feeling more like myself…I think I would." She paused for a second then murmured, "I love you."

Her breathing evened out and for the first time in almost a month she slept. Tony tightened his arms around her, the closeness bringing him as much comfort as it did to her. He whispered into the darkness, "I love you too." A few minutes later he felt himself drift off, exhausted by the emotional storm they had weathered.