…
Where Courage Ignites
10. Inexplicable
January 15th, 2018
I woke up at 5:15am, an hour and forty-five minutes before my mother would typically wake me. I pushed myself up off the bed and headed across the hallway to the bathroom. I winced away from the bright, fluorescent bulbs and slowly bent over to remove a pad from a box beneath the sink. I pulled my underwear down and sat on the toilet. It felt like someone had a flame on me from where I peed. I was afraid to look down, but I breathed and reminded myself that I would need to eventually. When I did, I found a large mark of blood in my pad. I ripped the pad from my underwear and threw it away before stripping the rest of my clothes off.
I got into the shower and washed my hair first. I gently guided the soap over my bruised arms and swollen wrists. I closed my eyes and braced my hand on the cold tile wall as I washed the blood away from my privates, afraid to see what damage could be there. It was a combination of the pain and sorrow that sent tears down my cheeks until they merged with the falling water from the showerhead. Unable to endure it any more, I lied on the shower floor and let the water rain over my body.
When I got back to my room, I stood in front of the mirror and dropped the towel onto the floor. There I saw the bruises lining my arms and hips, and the dense cluster of them around my neck. I went to my nightstand to grab my phone and returned to take photos of the evidence. I found a long sleeved shirt and a light scarf to hide the marks. I lied on my side on the bed with my knees brought into my chest as I quietly wept. I felt broken, pathetic even. Only the occasional sob escaping from my mouth to be heard in the otherwise silent house. I cried myself to sleep again, until my mother woke me up for school.
"Gabriella!" She knocked on the door. "Wake up! It's time for school!"
My breath caught in my throat and tears immediately formed in my eyes. I soon resumed breathing, but it was heavy and erratic. Using my every muscle, my body started to involuntarily rattle with fear.
"Gabriella?" She opened my door, finding me in a near panic attack. "What's wrong?" She ran to me and dropped down beside my bed.
I heaved, "My stomach."
"You're so pale. We have to get you to the hospital!" She ran out of my room and called for my dad.
He followed my mom into my room and spoke to me, "Can you walk?"
I nodded, my breathing returning to normal, but keeping my hands on my stomach to follow through with the act. My father held onto my forearm for support as I rose onto my feet. Mom said, "David." She approached me, taking ahold of my other arm. "Take Isabella to day care and go to work, I will take Gabriella to the hospital. I'll call you when they find something."
My father stood still, a look of indecision on his features. He reluctantly obliged, "Alright." He rushed off to find Isabella, leaving my mother and I alone in the room.
"Move as slowly as you need to," I balled up the front of my shirt in my clammy hand and hunched over as we walked.
…
When we pulled into the emergency room parking lot, a nurse rushed over to us with a wheel chair. I forced myself into it and let the nurse wheel me through the doors and into a private room, my mother trailing behind us. A man in mint green scrubs and a greying head of hair entered the room next. He set down a folded piece of cloth and introduced himself, "Hello, Gabriella. My name is Doctor Martin. When I leave the room, I'd like you to strip and dress in this gown. The ties go on your back. Do you understand?"
"It's just my stomach," I said.
"I understand that," He said, picking up a clipboard from the counter and beginning to exit. "We still need you to dress in the gown."
"I-" The door between us fell shut as he exited before I could state my argument. I paced the room, stuck in indecision. I weighed my options, knowing that if dressed in that gown I'd be questioned about the marks on my arms and neck. Keeping my clothes on, I took my place in the patient's chair again.
The doctor looked irritated when he opened the door and saw me in my normal clothes. "Why aren't you in the gown?" He asked. Mom entered the room and shot me a confused glance.
I stammered, "I- I feel better."
Mom asked me incredulously, "You feel better?"
"Yes, no. Well, I don't know."
The doctor murmured something under his breath before shaking his head disapprovingly and leaving. Mom snapped, "You don't know? Gabriella Montez, you tell me what is going on right this instant!"
"Nothing is going on," I nervously laughed.
"You were shaking on your bed this morning, we get to the hospital and suddenly you're cured? You owe me an explanation!"
"I-" I opened my mouth to speak, but quickly soon after dropped my head in defeat when no excuse came.
She said, "This is a waste of my time. I need to take you to school."
"No!" I got off of the bed and found myself retreating into a corner of the room, my hands held out in front of me defensively.
"No?" My mother's ferocious eyes zeroed in on me. "What do you mean no? Was all of this a ploy to get out of school?"
"No, I just…I can't go. Not today. Mom, please. I'm begging." I approached her, my hands folded in front of me as I pleaded, "Just let me have this day off. I can't tell you how much I need it. Please. Please!"
She looked down at me, snarling in disgust. "I can't believe this. You have today and I mean only today to pull yourself together. You are going to school tomorrow."
…
The air inside the van was thickened by the tension and animosity. It was painfully silent, just the occasional honk and screech from the road outside our windows to be heard. I craved to be reunited with the solitary and safe confines of my room. I jumped when she finally spoke, "So...nothing?"
I looked at her questioningly.
"You have nothing to say? No reasons? I'm getting nothing out of you?"
My lips quivered from underneath her disappointed tone. "I'm sorry."
"If this is just some stupid boy thing…"
I turned my head to look out my window as tears began falling onto my cheeks.
"Is that it?" She said, and I imagined she was rolling her eyes. "Huh?" She scoffed.
I didn't answer. Instead, I had to bring my hand up to my mouth and bite down on the end of my shirt's sleeve to muffle my cries.
When we finally rolled into the garage, she exited the car and aggressively slammed the door shut behind her. I exited the vehicle and left enough space between us as I followed her up the steps and into the house. She forcefully flung her keys onto the kitchen island and whipped her purse onto a barstool. She suddenly spun towards me and spat, "You go to your room and think about what you need to do to be ready for school tomorrow. I am going to work. Do not leave the house. Do you understand me?"
I sheepishly spoke, "Yes."
She gathered her items and with one final warning glance over her shoulder, she left. I felt my heart nearly instantaneously crumble inside my chest the moment the door shut. The weight of her shame and the physical exhaustion I was already enduring were proving too much for me to bear. With my legs shaking, I carried myself up the stairs and into my bedroom. I collapsed onto my bed and cried until I fell asleep again.
…
The garage door opening beneath my room shook me awake around five in the evening. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and pushed myself off the bed and approached my backpack. My fingers weeded through the outermost pocket until I felt my phone. Checking my missed messages, I read:
7:31am Troy: Hey, did you need to see the book now? I'm at the gym entrance.
7:58am Troy: I'm going to assume since you didn't respond that you're sleeping off some nasty cold or something. I hope you feel better soon.
9:17am Troy: I know you're not feeling well, but I can bring you the Biology homework if you feel up to starting it, he's assigning a lot!
12:04pm Taylor: Are you coming to lunch?
I responded to Troy's messages: Thanks, but I'm not going to do the homework. I'll be there tomorrow though.
"Gabriella," I jumped to find my father standing in my doorway, a hand on his hip. "Your mother told me what happened in the emergency room today. We need to have a talk."
I sighed, "I think mom's already yelled at me enough for the both of you."
He shook his head. "I won't yell at you, honey." He stepped off the doorframe into my room. "When something concerning like this happens, we should talk about it."
"Okay," I said.
"No matter what interpersonal issues you're facing, you still need to show up. This is true for school and your future professional life. You need to go to school tomorrow. Consider this a lesson in perseverance. Alright?"
"Okay."
"Dinner will be ready in about fifteen minutes."
"I'm okay," I said, just the thought of eating turning my empty stomach.
My father nodded, "Well, you know my rules about eating together, but I'll see if I can sneak you something given the situation between you and your mom."
He left my room, and as the door between he and I shut, I felt a piece of the miniscule chunk that is left of my heart chip away. I held my hand up to my chest and silently wept until I heard another buzz. I picked my phone up from my bed and read:
Troy: I'm jealous. I wish my grade was high enough that I could afford a 0 on an assignment like you. ;P
I crawled onto my bed and held my knees into my chest as I lied on my side. I remained there, fixated on the flashing colon of my alarm clock on the dresser. About an hour later, I heard someone quietly tapping their fingertips on my door. I lifted myself off the bed and cautiously approached the door. "Hello?"
The arrhythmic taps continued. I opened the door expecting to see my father, but saw no one until I looked down. There in her purple pajamas, Isabelle proudly lifted a small paper plate of pot roast, potatoes, and carrots above her head. I took it from her and forced the tears forming in my eyes to stay in their place. She brought her little index finger up to her lips and quietly shushed me, then galloped to her room. I took the miniature dinner to my bed and forced myself to take a few bites, aware that it had been over a day since I last ate. After gagging on the last scoopful, I put the rest in my trashcan.
January 16th, 2018
I woke with a violent gasp as my body jerked itself upright after a loud pounding sounded at my door. "It's time for school!" I could feel my mother's seething wrath through the wall, the heat radiating off of her like a powerful blaze. Her heavy footsteps could be heard stomping on each step as she retreated down the stairs. In order to hide the remaining patches of discoloration on my skin, I dressed in a modest beige turtleneck sweater and a pair of blue jeans. I skipped my make up routine, grabbed my book bag by one of its straps and headed to the dining room for breakfast.
My mother asked me in greeting, "Eggs?"
"Sure," I quietly responded.
She served me a scoopful of scrambled eggs and handed me the plate. I took it over to the table when I heard her speak up, "What do you say?"
I looked towards my father, who only uncomfortably dropped his gaze back to the newspaper. "Thanks." I sat in my chair and used my fork to pick through the eggs for the entire meal as only the news from the TV in the den could be heard.
My act could only go on for so long before my mother snatched the full plate away from me and ordered, "Get in the van."
I picked my backpack up from the kitchen floor and walked to the garage door.
The entire car ride was silent, and I was surprised by how I could keep myself composed during it. It wasn't until I saw the school that I tensed up in my seat. I hummed a flat note to myself to cope with the pain in my gut as our car inched forward towards the front doors. I spotted the scholastic decathlon group and felt some relief, but we kept moving forward along the curb where I noticed the group of skaters.
I whipped my head down towards the console as my breathing became increasingly volatile.
"Get out," My mother said, unlocking the doors.
"Mom, please! I can't!"
"You are not pulling this crap on me again! Get out of the van, now!"
"Mom…"
She yelled, "I said now!"
With my lip quivering and tears streaming down my cheeks, I reached for the handle and popped my door open. I backed up onto the sidewalk and watched as my mother drove off, abandoning me. I dropped my head low and kept my eyes fixated on my feet as they quickly alternated atop the concrete and through the front doors.
The entire time Mrs. Darbus was lecturing on the upcoming play, my eyes were glossed over as I sat curled up in the back of my mind. It was dark in there, only a sliver of white light shining into the space. It was cold, too. I could see my breath rolling out of my mouth and rising into the air. Existing there felt like a punishment, like when a naughty kid is told to sit in the corner. It felt shameful and lonely. I wondered, why me? What have I done to deserve this?
When the bell rang and my fellow classmates bottlenecked at the door, I instead approached Mrs. Darbus at her desk. "Mrs. Darbus?" I asked her.
"Yes, Miss. Montez?" She flung her turquoise wrap over her large chest.
"How did you decide that you wanted to be a drama teacher?"
She smiled to herself before shaking her head, "I'm afraid that's far too long of a story. I'll save it for another time if you're truly interested. You should be heading to your first class. The bell will ring soon. Go on, now."
My polite smile was faltering as she ushered me out the door. I kept my head down and moved quickly through the hallways to the biology room. I was in such a rush that I didn't notice Mr. Brannigan at the front of the room until he was yelling after me, "Miss. Montez, I suggest you come get a quiz from me so you can get more than a zero."
I pivoted back to him and took a sheet of paper, and then took my seat at the table next to Troy.
"Alright, listen up!" Mr. Brannigan yelled over the class. "You will have half an hour to complete the quiz. Afterwards, you will remain silent and wait for the rest of the class to finish. No cell phones, but you may read once you're done. Any questions? …Begin."
We all flipped our quizzes over and I tried to get started. I could see Mr. Brannigan pacing in front of my table out of the corner of my eye. I kept my thumping heart constrained in my chest and practiced even breathing. He continued to hover over me like a hawk circling over its prey for the whole ten minutes it took me to complete the quiz.
When I was done, I flipped the page back over and placed it flat in the corner on my side of the table. Mr. Brannigan swooped down for the kill, picking up my quiz and taking it back to his desk at the front of the room. I brought out my book and laid it on the table to appear like I was reading, but I couldn't concentrate. My eyes scanned over the words at their typical pace, but nothing was sinking in. I couldn't register any meaning. I got to the end of the page before I realized that I didn't know what the whole last two pages were about.
I felt misplaced in my own mind. Reading used to be part of my identity, but now I can't do that. All I was anymore was tired and bruised and scared. None of the happiness could be salvaged from my life before, I feared. I couldn't even look at my family without wanting to cry. I had been ruined.
This realization sank in like an anchor ripping straight through to the bottom of my heart just as Mr. Brannigan started his lecture. I couldn't hear anything he said. His lecture became inaudible background noise to my primary concentration of keeping myself from crying.
When the bell rang, I carelessly threw my blank notebook into my book bag and pulled its straps over my shoulder.
"Gabriella." Troy called out after me. "Hey, wait up!"
I suddenly stopped in the hallway and impatiently said, "What?"
He shot me a confused glance before shaking it off and asking, "When do you want to meet up to study?"
"I don't know," I started to walk away.
"I have practice after school," he said, trailing after me. "So is it okay if we meet up later?"
"Troy!" I snapped, abruptly spinning back around to him and yelling in his face, "I said I don't know!"
"Jeez," He held his palms up by his shoulder defensively and backed away, "Alright. Sorry I asked!" He spun around and quickly fled away from me.
I remained frozen in that spot, horrified at myself for how I just treated Troy. A wave of shame washed over me and I felt a pressure behind my eyes as tears began forming again. I dropped my head in remorse and trekked through the busy hallways to my next class.
…
I went to the library during lunch, effectively barricading myself with bookshelves. I sat on the floor with my back leaning against the end of one, and opened a book to stare at as I spaced out. After a couple minutes, I heard a buzz from my book bag and removed my phone.
Taylor: Hey, are you at school today? We're having a pre-meeting during lunch about the official meeting after school today. Let me know if you will make either.
I threw my head back against the bookshelf in defeat and typed back, I'm on my way.
My stomach uncomfortably sunk in my abdomen when I approached the courtyard. I stuck close to the walls as I made my way down to the table, attempting to stay away from wherever Anthony could be. I took my seat and heard Taylor say something to me, but was too focused on anxiously checking my surroundings to hear what was said.
She said, "Gabriella?"
"Yeah?" I responded.
"Did you hear me?"
"Um, no. I'm sorry, what?"
She shot me a quizzical glance, "Do you want us to wait for you to get lunch before we start?"
"No, that's okay. I'm not hungry. Please, go ahead."
"Alright," She nodded, addressing the group. "We have regionals fast approaching. We need to make sure that each member of the team is prepared for any possible problems they could ask." Taylor continued as I kept eyeing around my surroundings. "After all, we are only as strong as our weakest link. I propose that within the next few weeks, we find additional times…" Her words slowly silenced and the rest of the world faded to black as my eyes centered in on the figure just above us on the balcony. Anthony sat on the railing as he casually scanned the courtyard below until an angered teacher yelled at him to get down. While the two were in the heat of an argument, I took my opportunity to escape.
I grabbed my book bag and started to leave, when I someone's fingers drag across my forearm. I jumped away as though it had burned me. "Gabriella?" Taylor asked, her eyes wide with concern, "Are you okay?"
"I have to go."
"Wh- Where are you going? We're just getting started."
"The library."
"The library?" She questioned me, but I kept walking away. "Gabriella! Wait!" She called after me as I scurried through the doors and into the hallway. I found the nearest girls' bathroom and dropped my bag beneath the sink before running cool water from the tap. I looked at the disheveled, terrified girl in the mirror, her skin nearly matching the porcelain sink. I rinsed off my shaking hands before cupping them and dipping my face into the little pool I held. I turned the faucet off and remained there, leaned over the sink until my breathing normalized.
I put my hand underneath my face to catch the dropping water particles while they fell as I stood up straight. Only then did I turn to my side and find that someone was there with me.
"Is everything okay?" Taylor asked.
I scoffed, "Does anything about how I'm acting seem okay to you?" I heard my tone and winced. "No! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"You seem very stressed."
I brought my damp, cold hands up to the rub the back of my neck. "You could say that."
"Is it…school?" She guessed.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Do you want me to take you up to the counselor's office?" She offered.
I snapped, "I said I don't want to talk about it!" I recoiled at the sound of my own voice, dropping my head in embarrassment. "You should go."
"I want to make sure you're alright first."
"What I meant is please go."
"Well…If you ever wan-"
I cut her off, "I know, now leave."
I watched on as Taylor hesitantly left the bathroom, a familiar sadness washing over me at the sight of her departing figure. When the bell rang, I cursed under my breath and went out into the hallway. I was cowering as I walked, terrified that Anthony would be just around any corner. I sat down in my next class and quickly thought to text my mother; I'm staying after school for a scholastic decathlon meeting.
I lingered in my last class for about ten minutes before seeking out the room for the scholastic decathlon meeting. I could hear Taylor's delegating from the hallway and entered.
"-which is why…Oh!" She blinked her eyes as she looked at me. "I didn't think you'd make it." She paused, "We're glad to have it."
"Thanks," I took a seat with the others as Taylor continued her instructions.
…
All I wanted to do when I got home was sleep. So I carried my weary body through the house and up the stairs until I could gracefully fall into the blissfulness of a well-earned nap. It wasn't until my father called me for dinner that I woke up. I came downstairs to join them today, but spent more time lazily chasing after my peas with a fork than actually eating. At the end of it, I was still seated at the table between my father and Isabella as my mom was clearing plates when I said, "We need to talk."
"Sure, sweetheart," My father said. "We want you to talk to us. Tell us what's going on."
"Mom, dad…I want to leave East High."
"What?" He asked. "Why would you want to do that?"
"Because I- I just need to, okay?"
My mother said, "You're not leaving East High."
"Why not? We're only in the second week of the semester. I can catch up easily at West High."
"I don't want to have to drive halfway across Albuquerque every morning and afternoon to get you."
"I'll be driving myself in a year."
"I said no, Gabriella!"
My father butted in. "Honey, tell us more about what's going on at East High and maybe we can fix it."
My mother declared, "I'm not hearing any of her excuses." She then abandoned the sink full of dishes and went into the den.
I turned to my father and held my folded hands up in front of me while I begged, "Please, dad. Would you drive me?"
"I work way out by the airport."
"Dad-" I whined.
"Just stick it out a little bit longer. We'll talk about it another time."
A/N: Do you think Mrs. Montez' harsh parenting prevents her from noticing Gabriella's issues? Do you think Gabriella will ever tell anyone else what happened?
