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Where Courage Ignites
11. Promise Me Something
January 17th, 2018
I nibbled at the inside of my cheek as I considered the question on the paper in front of me. Mr. Brannigan's tie-dye lab coat was swaying behind him as he paced in front of my table, looking for the slightest twitch in my eye to declare me a cheater once and for all. I remained composed, minding my own work and keeping my eyes centered on the paper. When suddenly, the bell triggered a swell of groans and heavy sighs from the class.
Troy stood and asked Mr. Brannigan, "Could I stay late to finish my quiz? I didn't have enough time."
Mr. Brannigan addressed the whole class, "Pencils down, everyone! The test is due this instant. Anyone continuing to work on their quiz will receive a zero!"
Troy shook his head and handed his quiz off to the tyrant. He was putting his pencil back in his backpack when he spoke to me, "I bet you didn't sweat that at all, huh?"
I replied, "Not really."
He smiled. "I envy you."
He shouldn't.
"I'll talk to you outside, okay?" I exited the room and waited by a row of lockers for Troy to exit. Once he did, we discussed times to meet and share the book that evening. I was in the middle of describing my scholastic decathlon schedule when an unwelcome face popped up behind Troy, silencing me immediately.
It was Anthony who appeared over Troy's shoulder, taunting me with a cheeky grin and wave. He suddenly ducked behind him while I froze, terrified to finally see cross him school.
Troy glanced over his shoulder before looking back towards wearing a perplexed expression, "What were you looking at?"
"No one- I mean, nothing."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I nodded, "I'm fine."
"Seriously Gabriella," Troy insisted, "Are you okay? I'm worried about you."
"Thank you, Troy. I just…I'm fine, really. But thank you again. I'll text you later about a time to meet up."
"Great," The side of Troy's lip twitched up to form a lopsided smirk. "Thanks."
I continued my way through the loud, crowded hallway. I was maneuvering between the bodies just fine, until a deceptively strong girl shoulder checked me, sending me onto the ground.
I lied on the linoleum tile, reaching my hand out for my book bag when I realized it had disappeared. Not only did my book bag, but the rest of the countless students I shared the hallway with were gone, too. Not a single person remained.
I was looking down the long hallway to its dark end when someone's hands slapped down onto the tile on either side of me. I looked up to the figure above me and found Anthony's depraved, vacant eyes. His words gurgled in his mouth as he spoke something incomprehensible.
Three distinct bangs sounded from the dark end of the hallway, and we looked towards them. Three more sounded and I heard the voice, "Gabriella!" It called. A glowing, spherical shape appeared at the end of the hallway and illuminated the lockers around it. "Gabriella!" The light intensified until it obscured my vision entirely.
"Gabriella!" I felt the soft mattress beneath me and veered my head away from the sun shining directly into my eyes.
Three bangs sounded from my door. "Gabriella!" My mother was yelling.
I sat up on my bed, still shaken from the nightmare.
"Gabriella?" She called out.
"Mom," I dove off of my bed and ran over to the door, swinging it open and stumbling out into the hallway. "Please," I begged, "please don't make me go."
"Gabriella Montez," she growled, "you are going to school! I will not hear another word of it."
I closed my clammy hands over hers. "Mom, please, you need to listen to me!"
"I'm not hearing any more of your excuses!" She jerked her hands away and stomped down the stairs.
I turned to the wall and leaned my sweating forehead against it, bracing myself as my gut began cramping up in an all too familiar constriction. I felt completely doomed; there was no hope that I'd convince anyone to let me stay home today. I could tie myself to my bed, but my mother would just drag us both into her van. I slowly pushed myself off the wall and went into my room, a hand pressed against my abdomen.
I made my way over to the closet and held back tears as I searched for something that'd conceal the remaining marks. I settled on an old button up, long sleeved shirt and jeans. I found my scarf next to my book bag and wrapped it around my neck.
The car ride was quiet, but I could feel her preparing to speak. Finally once we turned the corner into the line of cars at the front of the school she said, "I don't know where I went wrong."
I didn't respond. She kept murmuring to herself and shaking her head disapprovingly while we slowly inched towards the drop off. The pain in my gut was becoming unbearable and I held my breath against the awful sensation.
"Get out, Gabriella." My mother quietly spoke. I felt a couple warm tears tickle down my face as I turned to look her in her enraged brown eyes. "Now," She said.
I gripped the handle and pulled it open, using it for support as I stepped on to the curb. I took one final look into my mother's narrowed eyes before shutting the door. I turned around and with more tears leaking out, began walking towards the front doors.
"Gabriella!" I heard Taylor's voice yell out, but I remained resolved in my direction. "Gabriella!" She repeated, and I heard the loud wheels on her backpack quickly nearing. "Gabriella, are you okay?" She joined my side.
"I can't talk to you right now," I sniffled.
"Are yo-"
"Yes, I'm sure."
She stopped at the doors as I went through them alone.
…
Mrs. Darbus didn't notice that I hung my head down her entire lecture, but I supposed she's used to people sleeping in her class. I, however, was trying to hide my leaking eyes and muffle my sniffles.
I crossed my arms over my chest to take up as little space as possible as I walked through the hallways to biology. Once inside, I silently took my seat next to Troy as he was twisted around his chair to talk to someone behind us. I was unsure if he was doing that to avoid speaking to me after I snapped at him yesterday, or if that was reading too much into it. Regardless, I kept my hands in my lap next to my aching stomach and blankly spaced out.
I noticed when Troy eventually turned back around in his seat and silently sat, waiting for class to start. Usually we'd be talking, but this was different. I was different. I had become someone who preferred to hide away and cry, and someone who snapped at their friends. This was me after, a version of myself that I couldn't blame Troy for rejecting.
Sitting there as Mr. Brannigan started his lecture, I realized nothing would be the same. Not my relationship with my family, or my friendships, or my body. I had my identity stolen from me, and I was unsure if I could ever get it back. The truth is, there was no going back. What happened to me could not be undone. I was raped and I must live with its effects for the rest of my life.
"Do you need to leave?" It took me a moment to realize that Mr. Brannigan was addressing me, and feel the wet streaks of tears dripping down my face.
"No," I softly replied, wiping away the tears. I dropped my wet hands into my lap and looked down at them sadly.
Mr. Brannigan awkwardly mumbled, "Alright then," before continuing his lecture.
…
I decided not to risk seeing Anthony at lunch again and stuck to the library instead, messaging Taylor, I'm behind on a social studies paper so I'll be working on it in the library during lunch. I was mindlessly flipping through my novel without retaining any information when I heard the familiar sound of someone's rolling backpack. I kept my book open, but peered my eyes up at Taylor as she settled in the seat across the table from me. She quietly removed a textbook from her backpack and gently placed it on the table, her eyes suddenly glancing up to meet mine.
"I thought you might want some company," she explained, "but I'll leave if you want me to."
"You can stay," I said. I quickly added on, "thank you."
She gave me a small smile as she slid the cap of her pen onto its back and began working. We had a few moments of uninterrupted silence, until we heard some guys speaking on the other side of the bookcase behind me. "No, man. We're in the wrong section."
"No, we're not. It goes by author's name first."
"No, it goes by subject first and then author."
"Gentlemen," A grey-haired librarian approached them, "If there is something I can help you find, please allow me to and keep your voices at a low level."
"I'm sorry, we're looking for a book on Napoleon for a project in our history class."
"History is on the other side." The librarian led them around the bookcase to our side and I glanced at the boys, discovering them to be Troy and Chad. When Troy and I locked eyes, he stayed at the end of the bookshelves while Chad and the librarian worked behind me to find the book.
As they were walking away, Taylor surprised me. "H- Hey Chad," she said, putting her elbow on the table and placing her chin into her hand.
"Oh, hey Taylor," Chad responded, "and Gabriella."
I twisted around in my seat to nod my head at him in acknowledgement.
"What are you guys working on?" He asked.
"Just some scholastic decathlon preparation," Taylor answered.
"Yeah," I said.
"That's cool," he said. "Troy and I just needed to get a book for our class."
"So we heard."
"Yeah, sorry to interrupt." Chad began walking towards Troy.
I twisted back around in my seat to face the table. I decided to take out my phone from my book bag and sifted through the messages Troy and I had exchanged. I was toying with the idea of reaching out to him when I felt a hand land on my shoulder.
"Hello little Gabriella," he spoke, his calloused hand rubbing my shoulder. I was stunned by my fear, unable to muster up even the smallest word of resistance, no. "Why don't you say hi?" He gripped the back of my neck.
Taylor said warningly, "It doesn't look like she likes being handled like that, Anthony."
He chuckled and gave me one last squeeze before releasing me. "Whatever," he sauntered away proudly.
I started breathing again as fresh tears fell from my eyes.
"Are you okay?" Taylor asked, reaching her hand out across the table towards me.
"I have to go," I choked out. With tears falling down my cheeks, I grabbed my book bag and departed the library. I heard Taylor shuffling to gather her things, but wasn't bothered to warn her to leave me alone.
I left the library and crossed the hallway into the girl's restroom. I checked that all the stalls were empty as I crossed to the opposite side of the room and jumped up to sit on the window ledge. I waited a few seconds until the door creaked as Taylor ran in urgently. I asked her, "Can you lock the door?"
She nodded, still breathing heavily, and locked the door behind her.
I let a few more tears fall onto my jeans in the silence between us before I spoke, "I need you to promise me something."
"Anything," she said.
"I need you to promise me that after I tell you what happened, you don't tell anyone else. That includes your parents, any teachers, anyone. Can you promise me that?"
"I promise," she crossed the tile floor and hopped up to join me on the ledge. She offered out her pinky and I hooked mine around it.
I closed my eyes and breathed as I prepared to speak, to finally voice what happened to me. "I went to a party on Saturday. I accidentally got drunk and Anthony took me upstairs, saying that he had medication for me to take. I didn't believe him. I knew something was wrong." I murmured more to myself, "I always knew something was wrong. He forced me into a bedroom, where he…he…"
"What did he do to you?"
I choked out against my sobs, "He raped me."
"Jesus," Taylor said, raising her voice. "Well, can't we do something? Can't we file a report?"
"I won't…I can't."
"You can't face him again, you mean."
I nodded, wiping my tears.
"So that's why you've been acting so different. God, I'm so, so sorry that happened. I wish I knew something better to say. I wish I could do more than just apologize." She put her arm around me, "I wish I could help more."
"It's not your problem, it's mine. I don't mean to concern you, Taylor. I don't want you to carry this, too. I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't've said anything."
"No, no. Don't say that. You're not burdening me. I'm glad that you talked to me about it. I'm just saying that I really want to help you more. Is there anything I can do?"
"I don't think so. This is just how it is. I'm never going to be the same again."
"I don't believe that."
"I'm doomed, Taylor. Can't you see that?"
"Gabriella…I will keep my promise and not tell anyone, but might I suggest you speak to someone?"
"No. I don't want this getting out there."
"I mean like a counselor. They can't tell anyone else if you don't want them to. The meetings are completely confidential. I think it'd be good. They'll give you advice on how to cope and help you regain control."
"I don't know."
"I'm not saying you need to enter intensive therapy. I'm just suggesting you make an appointment with a school counselor. That's the first step. If we get to the day and you're uncomfortable with it, nobody can force you to go. Let's just make the appointment. Do you have your school email on your phone? Search for the guidance office and ask for a time to meet."
I took out my phone and did as she instructed, but paused, "Seriously, Taylor…if I don't want to go, you don't push me."
"I won't push you."
"Fine," I agreed. I drafted an email to the guidance office and hovered my finger over the send button.
"Can I push you just to send the email?" Taylor asked.
I briefly smiled before saying, "I can't. Will you do it?" I passed my phone to her.
"Sure," She agreed, hitting the send button.
"Thanks," I sighed heavily.
"It's the least I could do," She leaned her head onto my shoulder and wrapped her arm around me.
"You're a good friend, Taylor." I said, squeezing her hand.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Do you think Gabriella will go to the counseling session?
