**Content Warning**: The italicized paragraph in the January 29th entry may be disturbing to some readers. It graphically details Gabriella's nightmare involving disembodied hands holding her down onto her bed and twisting her fingers. Discretion is advised. The paragraph will be marked with two asterisks to signify its start and end for those who would like to skip over it.
Where Courage Ignites
15. I'm Not
January 28th, 2018
I stood at my window and threw the curtains aside to greet the lazy morning sun. Then I went into my closet and searched for something conservative like the lawyer suggested. Afterwards, I met up with my parents in the kitchen. We said grace and silently nibbled on eggs and bacon, although none of us truly had an appetite for what we'd be facing today.
We piled in the van and headed downtown for the meeting with the investigator assigned to the case. With dad leading the way and mom trailing behind with Isabella, we passed through the long row of glass doors to enter the lobby. We weaved through the crowd of businesspeople and piled in an elevator to the sixteenth floor. When we introduced ourselves to the receptionist, she guided mom and Isabella to the waiting area and showed dad and I to a long room with a conference table situated in the middle. Our lawyer sat with us on the side facing the windows with the investigator on the other side.
At first, my heart pounded so hard against my ribcage I thought he could see its beat beneath my shirt. He spit out his questions at me so rapidly as though he would forget them if he didn't rush them out. How long had I known Anthony? Where did we meet? Why did I go to the party? Did I really not know that the punch was spiked? It wasn't until we reached the part where Anthony was dragging me through his house that I realized I wasn't the only one affected by this thorough interrogation. Dad startled me when he shot up in his chair and said, "We need a break."
I followed dad as he checked in on mom and Isabella. Mom stood and asked, "Hey. How's it going in there?" He breezed right by her, approached the water fountain, and poured himself a cup. "David?"
He subtly shook his head and quietly spoke, "It's fine."
"Do you want to switch? You'll watch Isabella and I'll be with Gabriella?"
"No," he snapped, "I don't want you to be in there." It was unlike my dad to snap at anyone, especially mom. It was obvious that my story had disturbed him, but he wouldn't want my mom to take his place.
We went back into the room with the investigator and continued the interrogation for another couple hours. At a certain point, I stopped feeling the affect of his probing and intrusive questions. It was like I was sitting in the back of my mind as he sifted through my memories. By the time we emerged from the room, I stopped feeling altogether.
Later Taylor texted me, but I couldn't be bothered with reading it. Truthfully, I didn't care.
January 29th, 2018
When mom dropped me off, I saw Taylor waiting by the fountain. As I approached her she said, "Hey bestie!"
"Hey," I managed a small smile.
"I texted you yesterday."
"Oh."
"I'm guessing you didn't see it?"
"No, I didn't check it."
"Do you have plans tonight? I was thinking we could do a sleepover."
"Um, I might just want to stay in."
"Oh. Maybe another-"
I walked away. I couldn't even be bothered to pretend like I was interested. I didn't want to see anyone, even Taylor. I didn't want to do anything. I just didn't want to be.
Later in the hallways, Mr. Reynolds pulled me aside. He led me to his office and asked, "How are you feeling?"
I answered monotonously, "Numb. We had the interrogation yesterday."
He sat back in his chair and intertwined his long fingers across his stomach. "That's understandable. I'm sure they asked you about everything you could remember."
I nodded. "And the stuff I couldn't remember."
"How was it talking to the investigators about what happened? How did you feel during it?"
"At first I was nervous, but later I just felt numb. I answered everything they wanted to know, but I wasn't allowing myself to feel any way about it."
"Do you still feel numb?"
"Yes," I admitted. "I feel like I still have those walls up. I feel like nothing could faze me. I'm not sure that I like it. There's no bad, but there's nothing good, either. It's like I'm hardened."
"It's not uncommon for this kind of coping mechanism to arise during a stressful time. I think it's important for you to do things that were the same as before. If you have hobbies that you liked before, try to keep with them. If there are any traditions at home, continuing taking part in them. The goal with counseling is to regain the stability and identity you had before that traumatic event happened. You can find the version of you from before the assault."
"I can?"
"I'm certain."
I nodded. "Sounds good."
He shot me a peculiar look, but I excused myself back to class.
…
**I laid face up on my bed peacefully, my breathing even and my eyes shut. My hands reached out on either side of my body, palms facing up. My eyes began searching from beneath closed lids when I felt a hand lightly stroke mine from my fingertips up to my wrist. The hand constricted around my wrist while more hands began holding down my fingers and snaking up to press down my arms. Suddenly, I felt hands grab onto my feet and other hand. They pushed me into the mattress, more and more crawling up my legs and holding them apart. I tried to scream, but I was paralyzed. The hands were landing higher and higher up my inner thigh and the ones on my hands began twisting my fingers until the bones snapped. My head jerked up and I let out a deafening scream, when a hand popped out of my headboard and grabbing onto my face, pushing my head back down onto the pillow.**
I woke up breathing heavily and entirely dowsed in sweat. I jumped from the bed that the hands had confined me to and immediately ran out of my room. I looked around the dark hallway, my breathing still heavy. It was like everything that had been bottled up since yesterday came flooding back in. I walked to the bathroom and took off my damp clothing. I quickly rinsed the sweat from my body with cold water and then walked back to my room. I opened the door, flicked on the light, and looked at the bed. I then turned off the light and turned around, heading downstairs to try to sleep on the couch.
January 30th, 2018
I didn't fall asleep until it was nearly time for me to wake up. I heard my mother knock on my door upstairs and proceed to pace the hallway. "Gabriella?" She called out.
"Down here!"
She walked down the stairs and entered the den. "What are you doing in here? Have you been here all night?"
"I had a nightmare so I came down here," I explained.
"Have you been up all night?"
"Most of it."
She sat by my feet and asked, "Do you want to try to go to school?"
I groaned, "Not really."
"Alright, I'll call the school."
"Thanks." I pulled the blanket back up to my chin.
…
It was a quarter to four when I finally woke up on the couch, my hair resembling a puffy and tangled mane. I yawned, stretched, and decided to make everyone some tea, following Mr. Reynolds' advice that I should try to keep some things the same as they were before. I filled the teakettle on the stove with water, and then removed the teapot and the cups from their cabinet. The water particles on the bottom of the kettle were just starting to steam when I heard a knock from the front door.
I flicked the whistling piece down on the kettle and set off through the den and living room towards the door. I opened it and found Troy standing on the porch, his hand on his backpack strap that was hung over his shoulder.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi."
"You weren't at school today, so I wanted to see that you were okay."
I could tell there was more to this visit than just that. I wished he would just come out and say it, but since he wouldn't, I did. "I know you know. It's okay. Everyone knows."
Troy stepped up to the house and turned to lean against the doorframe besides me. "I wasn't going to bring it up. I figured you wanted to be treated like nothing happened. I know how exhausting it can be to always be asked how you're doing and lie every single time."
"I wouldn't mind telling you the truth. We're friends after all. You can ask me about it."
"I'll remember that."
"Anyway, I'm fine. Thank you for checking in, you didn't need to."
Troy lifted his shoulder supporting the backpack and said, "I brought the textbook, in case you wanted to study."
Before I could answer, I heard the whistle from the kettle and said, "Come inside."
Troy entered and followed me into the kitchen where I turned off the burner and removed the screaming kettle from it. I opened the lid of the teapot and heard Troy slide onto a stool at the island. "I hope you like campfires."
"I love them," Troy said. "Why?"
"This tea, lapsang souchong, tastes exactly like that." I slowly poured the hot water over the leaves in the infusion basket.
"And it's good?" Troy asked me disbelievingly.
I shrugged. "Some would say so." I set the kettle back on the burner and replaced the lid on the teapot. I rested my hands on either side of it and looked up at Troy. "I prefer it with sugar and milk."
Troy nodded, and then brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck. "Gabriella, I don't mean to pry, but did something happen again that kept you from school today?" His tone suddenly became deep and threatening as he said, "I swear to God if that asshole is making you uncomfortable, just let me know and I can handle it."
"He's not at school." I shook my head and looked down at my fingernails. "It wasn't him. Well, nothing new at least. It's the memories and stuff."
"Oh." He nodded.
"I had a nightmare about it last night," I confessed. "That's what happened."
"I'm so sorry."
I shook my head, "It's alright. I'll be fine."
Troy put his elbow on the counter and leaned onto his hand, "Do you have someone to talk to? Like a counselor?"
"Yeah, I see Mr. Reynolds from time to time during school when I get overwhelmed. He's a pretty understanding guy. He lets me hide away in his office."
"I should have shown you how to unlock the door up to the rooftop garden. It's a good spot. I like going up there when I get stressed out."
"What stresses you out?"
"Life." His shoulders fell forward in a slump.
"You know that's awfully vague, right?"
"Yeah," He crossed his arm over his torso and began rubbing his elbow, "I know."
I crossed around the island to his side and positioned myself between him and the empty chair next to him. I carefully laid my hand on his arm and said, "Whatever it is, I'm sorry it bothers you."
He shot me a weak smile and said, "It's okay."
"The tea's probably done," I said before crossing back around and pouring two cups. "Do you want milk and sugar?"
"I'll take it however you take it."
"Sounds good." I turned towards the pantry and removed the little glass container of sugar from it. "I hope you like it."
"Don't worry, I'm sure I will."
I replaced the sugar and brought out the milk next, cautiously pouring it until the liquid turned over into a light brown color. Troy suggested that we do some homework and I reluctantly agreed. About thirty minutes after we started, my mother entered the room and jumped at the sight of Troy.
"Troy," she said. "Hello. I didn't hear you come in."
"I got the door," I said. "We made tea if you want some."
"That's alright. I just wanted a snack is all. What are you two doing?"
Troy answered, "Biology."
"It's very kind of you to come over and help her keep up with her work."
"Trust me Mrs. Montez, she's helping me way more than I'm helping her."
Mom smiled and grabbed an apple from the bowl of fruit on the end of the counter and said, "You're welcome over anytime."
"Thanks," Troy said as she left. "So, are you going to the game on Friday?"
"What game?"
Troy laughed, "The basketball game of course."
"Oh, I didn't know there was one."
"You should come. Bring Taylor. It'll be fun."
I eyed him suspiciously, "Will it?"
He laughed, "Yes. I promise."
"I'll be there…I promise."
The wooden floorboards groaned from across the island and we both turned our heads to find my father standing there, silently staring Troy down. He accusingly asked him, "What are you doing here?"
"Biology," Troy said, gesturing towards the textbook.
Dad kept his eyes on him for a few moments longer as the intensity in his angered stare grew. "Go upstairs, Gabriella."
I asked, "For what?"
"Now," he hissed.
Afraid of what would happen when I left, I hovered in the kitchen. I was slow to leave the room, but then ran up the stairs to my bedroom. I found my phone charging on my bedside table and called mom's cell.
On the fourth ring, she finally answered, "Gabriella?"
"Where are you?"
"I'm in the study with Isabella. Is everything okay? Where are you?"
"Dad is talking with Troy in the kitchen. It looked serious. You need to intervene."
"I'll go right now."
I waited a few minutes until I knew mom would be there before I snuck out into the hallway. I slowly tip toed down the stairs to the foyer. My father's words were threateningly sharp, yet too quiet to decipher. I could hear Troy intermittently answer, "I'm not…I'm not…Sir, I'm not."
"David," I heard my mother say before the rest of the sentence was too quiet to make out. I leaned my head against wall besides the doorframe to hear them better when dad's heavy footsteps approached.
He found me, pointed up the staircase, and firmly said, "To your room."
My mother spoke up from the kitchen, "She's concerned you're going to scare off her friend!"
"There's no reason to be scared off if he's not up to no good."
He backed into the kitchen and I followed him in to find Troy a shade paler. Troy said, "Sir, I promise you I only have good intentions."
Dad crossed his arms over his chest before interrogating, "Where were you that night? Were you at that party?"
"Absolutely not. I don't associate with that group."
"Did you know my daughter was going there?"
"No sir."
"Had you seen him talk to her at school?"
Mom spoke up, "What is your point, David?"
"I don't have one. I'm just asking questions."
"You're being very rude about it!"
"Well excuse me if I want to make sure that my daughter is safe with this guy!"
"Do you honestly think we'll have to clear each of her friends for the rest of her life?"
They soon began arguing over one another, neither of their sentences intelligible with the other's loud words intermixed. I interrupted, "He's not Anthony!" The room fell into a stunned silence.
The three of them stared at me completely unmoved. Troy was the first to unfreeze as he closed the textbook and said, "I should go."
Dad said, "Yes, you should," before walking outside onto the back porch.
Troy breezed by me and left without saying another word.
For the very first time in my life, we didn't have family dinner. Instead, my parents spent that time arguing in the study. That night as I lied in bed, waiting to fall asleep, my thoughts kept circling back to Troy. Truthfully, I felt awful for how my dad talked to him. It was close to eleven when I texted him: Hey, just so you know, I'm really sorry about tonight.
He responded: It's okay. Those two words alone sent a wave of relief over me.
I feel so bad about what happened.
Honestly, it's not a big deal. I get it. He wants to protect you.
Again, I'm really sorry.
Seriously, you don't have to worry about it. It's all good.
Good. :) Sooo can I ask what you were talking about before I came back down?
Nothing, it was just guy stuff.
I overheard you repeating, "I'm not". What was that about?
I don't remember.
Troy…
Honestly, I don't remember.
So…you want me to believe that you can remember that it was "guy stuff", but not exactly what?
Yes please.
Lol. But seriously! No lies. What were you talking about?
He wanted to know my intentions and I was reassuring him.
But you kept saying "I'm not"…you're not WHAT exactly?
He never responded.
I looked through my other messages and found Taylor's unanswered one. I called her up.
She groaned into the phone, "Hello?"
I gasped, "Oh my god, did I wake you?"
"Well, it is eleven so yes."
"I'm so sorry. God, I didn't realize it had gotten so late. We can talk about this tomorrow, but I just wanted to apologize to you while it was on my mind. I'm really sorry about yesterday. I wasn't feeling like myself, but that's no excuse to be rude to you."
She impatiently sighed, "Of course I know you're stressed, Gabriella. You don't have to tell me that. I know everything that's going on with you. It's unfair to take your frustration out on me when I'm not even involved in the situation. I'm not the reason why you're stressed, so why do I get snapped at and ignored?"
"Taylor, you're completely right. You deserve so much better and I promise I'll be more conscious of how I talk to you and treat you. I'm sorry I've been such a shitty best friend. I really, really want to make it up to you. I'll buy us snacks and a movie for a sleepover, if you still want one."
"Well obviously I still want one."
I laughed. "Aw, thank you! And I promise you things will change."
"We'll see about that tomorrow. For now it's bedtime."
"Goodnight, I love ya, girl!"
"Love you, too."
January 31st, 2018
As the supply drawers slammed shut and the beakers rattled against each other in their stands, the substituted yelled over the excited class's chatter, "The test will be passed out five minutes after class starts on Friday. Do not wait until two minutes 'til to review the material. Study, study, study!"
Troy dragged his hands down his face and grumbled into his palms, "Jesus Harold Christ. I'm never going to pass that test."
I patted him on the arm consolingly. "Don't worry. I made a detailed study guide. It has over a hundred practice problems and all their solutions on the backside. There are vocabulary terms, step-by-step examples, and keys." I unzipped my backpack and smacked the thick guide onto the black lab table. "Once you use it, I can guarantee at least a B."
"Sweet! Thank you so much."
I let him pick up the stack of papers and sift through the detailed pages. It was my way of giving him a feel for its potential before I snatched it back and said, "All you have to do is finish one small phrase and then it will be all yours."
He sighed, "Let me guess, I'm not…?"
I smiled. "Precisely."
"I'm not…ever going to tell you."
"Troy, you need this study guide."
"I know and if you won't give it to me because I won't tell you what we were talking about, then that's your choice."
"Wow, very impressive how you spun this on me." I crammed the study guide back into my book bag.
"What?" He held onto my arm and gently pulled me to look at him. He lowered his head closer to mine, the intensity in his eyes making me hold my breath. "I don't mean to manipulate you. Ever. What I meant to say was that regardless of this study guide, I still can't tell you. At least not right now. Not with how skeptical your dad is of my intentions."
"Can you at least tell me the topic or something? Anything?"
He shook his head. "Trust me, I would if I could. Please let it go for now."
"Alright." I dug the mangled bundle of pages from my backpack and handed them to him. I would let go of it for now, but I definitely wouldn't forget.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Please tell me what you thought with a review. The sixteenth chapter will be released on Thursday, May 24th!
