Chapter 19 - The fate of a mouse

"Good Evening, Harry," Dumbledore said quietly.

"Good Evening Professor," Harry said slowly. Dumbledore had not met him downstairs since the first meeting, but before Harry could raise the question, Dumbledore had turned and had climbed onto the revolving staircase. Harry stepped up onto the stairs, and then followed Dumbledore into the office.

The first thing Harry registered was a large object on the desk, over which a sheet was draped. Dumbledore sat down behind his desk, indicating Harry to sit opposite, before pulling the sheet. Harry's insides turned over as he looked inside the cage and saw a small, brown mouse scuttling up and down, around the cage. He looked sharply up at Dumbledore, who was looking very sombre.

"Professor..." Harry started, his voice shaking, "Is that... am I... already?"

"I am afraid we must test to see if you can perform the spell," Dumbledore answered sadly. "Do you understand the theory?" Harry nodded.

He had been reading up on the killing curse since that first meeting, and now understood how to perform the curse, but he had never wanted to. The Avada Kedavra curse required the person performing the curse to be able to honestly believe the world would be better without the person or creature they were killing. Then they had to swish the wand straight down, facing the victim and yell the words "Avada Kedavra". Harry did not think he would be able to reach the required state of mind, and he voice this concern to the headmaster.

Dumbledore seemed to have already considered this fact, for he had an answer ready. "I want you to imagine that the mouse sitting in the cage would, in the future, be responsible for the deaths of someone close to you." Harry looked straight at Dumbledore.

"You want me to imagine that this mouse would, in future, kill Ron, or Hermione?" he asked incredulously.

"Or Miss Weasley," Dumbledore added. Even at this time, Harry felt himself go slightly red, but looking at the headmaster, he could see no glint in his eye. Harry sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. He tried to imagine Ron dead, and the image of Mrs Weasley over Boggart-Ron's body, and he opened his eyes. He swished the wand straight down at the mouse.

"Avada Kedavra!" he yelled. There was nothing, no blinding green flash, no sense of foreboding and certainly no death. The only change appeared to be the mouse's apparent shock at being yelled at.

"What did you try then Harry?" said Dumbledore. Harry explained about finding Mrs Weasley and the Boggart, and Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "The poor woman," he said quietly, "bless her she never told me. As to your spell, it didn't work because you were only imagining the death of your friend, not the anger at the person who caused it."

Harry nodded, and closed his eyes again. He could see in his mind the picture of Ron dead in his head, and he tried to imagine the mouse somehow causing it. He couldn't help but grin when an image of the mouse holding a wand came into his mind.

"Something funny, Harry?" said Dumbledore in an amused tone, though the smile did not reach to his eyes. Harry muttered an apology and closed his eyes for the third time.

He imagined that the mouse was Peter Pettigrew this time. He imagined Pettigrew killing Ron, and then transforming into the mouse in front of him. He opened his eyes, which were blazing vivid green, and with a thrill of foreboding he recognised, he swished his wand down.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" he shouted. There was a near blinding flash of green light and Harry saw the mouse in the cage crumple and lay still. Harry sat back, horrified, breathing hard, and there was silence in the office. Harry put his head into his hands. "What have I done?" he muttered to himself. Dumbledore heard.

"Try not to be upset Harry," he reassured him, "you did what you had to. I know now you will be able to do what is needed, and you need not ever do it apart from then." Dumbledore's voice was grave, but he sounded, to Harry at least, a bit relieved.

"So - I won't need anymore lessons?" Harry asked, trying to keep the self- loathing he was feeling out of his voice.

"No," Dumbledore answered simply. "Don't get angry with yourself Harry. The pain you are feeling shows how true of spirit you are. I know it is hard, but you must try and accept and move on from tonight." Dumbledore seemed to sense that Harry needed a bit more emotional support, for he finished with a final sentiment. "Your father would have felt the same way."

Harry nodded, and he stood up. With a small attempt at a half smile and a muttered, "Thanks," Harry made his solitary way out of the office, and back through the deserted castle. He found the common room deserted, and he didn't tarry there long, before heading back up to bed, though he did not sleep for a long time.

Harry spent the next few weeks quietly appalled with what he had done. He had not told Ron and Hermione, but he thought from his behaviour they probably knew anyway.

Ron and Hermione were now back on plain speaking terms, and were becoming close again. Harry wasn't sure if they were going to get back together or not, but he was certainly glad that he didn't have to force conversation out of the two of them. This was especially good as it was hard enough to bring himself to the point of conversation, considering how he was feeling. It was also a bonus that Ron seemed to be making a concentrated effort to stop moaning.

During lessons Harry was often distant, but none of the teachers, not even Snape, seemed to either notice or do anything about it. He was not called upon to be in front of the class, and was not told off if he didn't respond to an instruction. Harry was sure that Dumbledore had told the teachers to do this, and he felt grateful to Dumbledore for that.

All he could think about, was the horrible guilt. It was gnawing at him like he was being eaten from the inside. Every thought, moment, day, he was constantly in a depressed state, walking slowly from one lesson to the next, before isolating himself in the common room in the evenings.

But a few days after his evening with Professor Dumbledore, none other than Ginny Weasley forced Harry back out of his guilt.

"Come with me Harry," she said, in an almost angry voice. Harry got up sullenly, and followed her unquestioningly out of the common room and round into an empty classroom. She turned to face him, her hands on her hips and face a bit red.

"Harry," she said angrily, "You've got to snap out of this. Ron and Hermione told me what you're upset about, and I understand. But you can't let guilt run your life Harry! You did what you had to do, nothing more, nothing less." She trailed off, and her voice became a lot softer and sadder. "Come back to us Harry."

Harry looked up, and saw the sadness in her face. Tears shimmered in her eyes, and she was struggling to hold her previously angry pose. Harry felt another rush of emotion; was it more guilt, or something else? He wasn't sure. But he was sure she was right.

"I'm sorry Ginny," he murmured quietly, and that seemed to be enough for her. She walked forwards and hugged him, before they both returned to the common room, Harry desperately trying not to fall back into his own guilt. Ginny's right, Harry thought, I only did what I had to. And on that thought, Harry settled down to play some wizards chess with Ron, who seemed very relieved to have Harry back to normal, though he was looking very shrewdly at Ginny. She just smiled at him, and left them to the game, which culminated in Ron asking for a draw as both were reduced to three pieces.

January flowed reluctantly into February, which brought with it the end of the snow, and more revision. As Hermione kept insisting the exams were only a month and a half away, and Harry and Ron found themselves night after night, sitting by the fire in the Gryffindor common room. The teachers had slowed up the homework in terms of essays, but each was insisting on several hours per week of revision and study of their subject. Harry had all but abandoned Quidditch practises, and he had postponed the reforming of the D.A, (which Hermione had decided on), until after their exams.

The D.A, (or Dumbledore's army to give it it's full name), had been a secret society where Harry taught defence against the dark arts in their fifth year, while they had been taught by Professor Umbridge. Professor Umbridge had been a ministry witch who had been widely regarded as the most evil teacher in school. (Harry had even thought about placing her higher than Snape in his personal teacher hating hierarchy). Harry had decided to teach some of the lower students the "Impeditia" spell they had learnt with Professor Diggory, while he worked with the sixth years on a more advanced version of the banishing charm, called the "Fetworth" charm after its creator. (Harry had found this spell whilst looking up hexes for the first task of the Triwizard Tournament in his fourth year, but had not had to use it before).

There was one thing, however, that Harry was still making sure to do, even amongst all his revision. This was to read his mum's diary. He had, the previous night, read up to the point of buying Godric's Hollow, and he had just read the diary entry for the day before moving in.

It was, therefore, with slight trepidation that Harry went upstairs later that evening, and settled himself in his bed. He propped himself up on the pillow, opened the book in his lap, and started to read.

"4th of June. Baby due – 9 weeks We have just moved in! It is very exciting, as we have had Sirius, Remus and Peter around to help James move stuff in. With their help we were done very quickly, and I used my lovely new kitchen to make them all a big lunch as a reward.
The speed of moving in has meant that we have had a chance to examine the garden more thoroughly, something I did not have time for while we were first looking at the house. It is beautiful at the moment, just perfect, and I'm sure that the baby will love growing up here. James and I were intrigued by a door we found, which led a little way underground and ended up in a small, hollowed out room. We found nothing in there, and I think James is planning to have a secret room down there for card games with his friends. I will certainly not allow that! I will make it a shrine to the baby or something much nicer than a cards room!
The baby is due in just over two months now! James is getting a bit restless I think, though at least worries for the baby and the moving into the house has at least taken his mind off Voldemort. EXTRA NOTE: After going up into the attic to try and find my missing cutlery set, I found out something interesting. If you are looking out of the stained glass window and line up the eye of the Lion with the top of the tree at the bottom of the garden, the by looking directly through end of the lions tale, the secret door is visible! I wonder if that is just coincidence?"

Harry looked up from his reading, breathing fast. So that was where this secret door was, and Harry's mind was set. There was a Hogsmeade visit next weekend, and he would be sneaking off to the house to try to find the secret door.