Here's chapter two.
Now there's a haze
Pushing me sideways
And leaving me nothing to gain
Taking me back, locking me
Cold in disparity
-Unleashed, Epica
Starscream stared at the wall opposite him, scarlet optics dim and tired. Half his face was still hidden by his folded arms, but his shaking had stopped about an hour earlier. Now he just felt sick. His head hurt, his wing hurt, and while his systems were running hot from stress, his mind still felt chilled from Soundwave's presence.
Most of all he was numb inside, as though he had just watched someone else being attacked instead of experiencing it himself.
He had never felt so weak in his life. Nothing Megatron had ever done to him, no punishment or unjust accusation, had ever made him feel this way. It was all he could do not to purge when he thought about how easily Soundwave had defeated him. Justifications offered themselves one after another: Soundwave was bigger, stronger, better prepared, more experienced, Starscream hadn't had enough room to maneuver. It was all true, but it only made him feel worse.
If Soundwave knew anything about the responsible side of changing code, he would be back to make sure the new programming was properly integrated, and to work on it if it wasn't. Starscream didn't want to be hacked again, but if he couldn't stop it once, what chance did he have a second time? What if an error, or even a glitch, emerged because of coding conflict? How many sessions would it take to fix it?
How often would this nightmare be repeated?
Starscream pressed his lips together as his fuel tanks threatened to empty. The only thing worse than being hacked was not knowing what Soundwave had changed. What was going to happen to him now? Would he be able to tell when the new programming was at work, or would his altered behavior seem natural?
The uncertainty scared him. He had never felt so helpless, so completely out of control. Just how badly would his body betray him? What about his thoughts? How would he be able to trust himself if he didn't even know which thoughts were his own?
It was too much. He gave a low groan and lurched forward, landing heavily on his hands and knees right before purging violently. The sudden movement sent a fresh jolt of pain through his wing, forcing a ragged sound from his throat that quickly turned to choking. By the time it ended his arms could barely support him. His wings hung so low at his sides that the tips brushed the floor. He was alone, but he felt vulnerable, threatened. He could hear himself keening again, but this time he didn't try to muffle it.
He wanted so badly not to be alone right now. If he wasn't so damaged he wouldn't have to be. He would have a Trine that actually cared about him. Instead he had Skywarp and Thundercracker, and he knew they barely tolerated him. He couldn't remember exactly when they turned on him, didn't really understand how it had happened, but it had. Thundercracker - who had explained to him what Trine even was and had helped him make some sense of his patchy coding - Thundercracker hated him, and Skywarp just didn't care anymore.
He sank slowly to the floor, lying on one silver wing and letting the broken one rest on his tightly curled form. The spark of anger was gone as quickly as it had come, unable to find fuel in his exhausted mind. He couldn't blame them for not caring after the way he treated them. It was his fault that he was alone now, just as it was his fault that Soundwave had been able to reprogram him. He should have fought harder.
The justifications came back to the surface as logic tried to show him exactly why he had been doomed from the start. But all it did was feed his despair and bring back the fear.
According to Soundwave's chronometer, it was 5:00 AM local time. A little early for an off-duty mech to be up and about, but for him it was normal. Besides, he needed to check on Starscream and make sure the Seeker was alright before Megatron called them in. Soundwave was a skilled programmer, but he knew Starscream was going to have a hard time for a while.
The blue mech strode through the dim hallways toward the flier's room, his unseen frown at odds with his purposeful stride. Seekers were well known for being difficult to work on, because they had so many programs that other frametypes lacked. That meant more things could go wrong, and that was saying a lot considering how many problems a bad change could create in the simplest system. Few programmers would willingly work on a damaged Seeker like Starscream, and the more Soundwave thought about it, the grimmer he became.
Obedience programs, like all shell programs, were not generally harmful. They worked with the system instead of against it, and if coding conflict arose, the original programs would be allowed to function unhindered, avoiding errors. As long as the reprogrammed bots obeyed orders and made no attempt to harm their registered masters, they could live their lives without any negative impact from their coding.
Starscream, however, was unlikely to follow the rules, and every time the program had to enforce proper behavior, any underlying problems would come to the surface.
Of course, that wasn't always a bad thing. Errors and minor glitches could be excellent deterrents for those who would otherwise disobey constantly. But they could be very dangerous in certain circumstances, which usually made it better to fix the problem instead.
In the end, it came down to this: Starscream was missing a lot of code, which left fewer chances for conflict. But it also meant that his programs had established a careful balance to maintain as much normal functioning as possible. The new program would upset that balance every time it activated, potentially causing glitches that couldn't be easily fixed. Eventually a new balance would be established, but it would take a long time if Soundwave didn't help it along.
The problem lay in keeping Starscream alive that long. A single glitch in the middle of battle could end the Seeker, which would set back the plan considerably.
He found Ravage sitting outside Starscream's room when he got there, so he knew the Seeker was still inside. The mechanical panther looked ill at ease, though no one but Soundwave would be able to tell, and it made him wonder what was wrong.
"Ravage," he greeted softly. "Did something happen?"
Ravage turned his head, giving the door behind him a hard stare before looking at Soundwave. "Starscream isn't taking this well," the felinoid said bluntly. "He spent the whole night whimpering, and I think he purged a couple times. It's been maybe half an hour since I last heard anything."
Soundwave nodded his acknowledgement and called Ravage back, choosing to ignore his eldest creation's tone. Once the cat was safely docked he reactivated his comm. scrambler, keyed open the door with an override code, and re-entered Starscream's room.
He found the Seeker curled up in a corner next to a puddle of energon. The hazy, indistinct form of Starscream's emotions told Soundwave that he was recharging, though probably not well judging by the negative feelings he was giving off. The dark face was set in a slightly ill grimace, but there were no other outward signs of distress.
Soundwave settled himself by Starscream's head and gave the flier a small shake, earning nothing more than a groan and the twitch of a wing. Starscream wasn't normally so dead to the world, but he wasn't normally so completely drained either, so Soundwave hadn't expected much. It might actually be better if Starscream stayed out for a while. He certainly needed the rest, and it would make Soundwave's job easier.
The telepath plugged in carefully, pausing when the Seeker stirred, then continuing when he settled again. The firewalls were lowered a few seconds later, giving Soundwave complete access to everything that made Starscream who he was. Personality traits stemmed from the spark, but it was memories and programming that determined how those traits were expressed. All it took was to alter those things, and the mech called Starscream would also change. Alternatively Soundwave could view anything, from the earliest memories to the most closely guarded secrets.
It was tempting, so very tempting, to do some digging around. He wanted to know what Starscream had been hiding all these years. He wanted to know what could drive a Seeker to turn its back on its chosen leader. He really just wanted to know everything. But this was no time for spying; Starscream's mind was currently lost in whatever memory flux he was having, but even a recharging mind would notice an intruder sooner rather than later. It was better for Soundwave to do what he came to do.
He examined the Seeker's coding just as carefully as he had the night before, paying special attention to the programs that would be affected directly if the new one activated. It took time to do it properly, and he was only halfway through when something shifted, warning him that Starscream was aware of his presence. Barely two seconds later Starscream was fully online and jerking back, only to freeze with a yelp as the teeth of Soundwave's cable dug into his access port.
For a tense moment the two mechs stared at each other. Soundwave made no move to restrain the Seeker, hoping it wouldn't be neccesary. He watched Starscream's optics follow the length of the cable connecting them, felt confusion give away to shocked disbelief, fear, and anger as memories of the night before returned. Then what was happening in the present sank in, and Starscream's mouth fell open.
"You- While I was- Soundwave!" he screeched. His hands shot up from under his wing, and only Soundwave's presence in his mind let the telepath catch his wrists before he could rip the cable free.
"Desist," Soundwave said, pinning Starscream's hands to the floor in front of his face. "I don't want to hurt you."
"Desist?" Starscream repeated shrilly. "You're hacking me while I'm recharging! If that doesn't give me a right to freak out, nothing does!"
"Regardless, cooperation is advised."
At least he wasn't fighting yet, Soundwave mused. He was trembling, his wing was still folded down over his body, and possible escapes were flashing through his mind more quickly than Soundwave could interpret the images, but he wasn't fighting. If anything he has struggling with himself and his disgusted disbelief was winning out over his fear. Soundwave took the chance to resume his examination, though he continued to watch Starscream's racing thoughts.
Finally the Seeker burst out, "What is wrong with you? I'm damaged and no one had to tell me that hardlining a recharging bot is wrong!"
"So is killing," Soundwave pointed out, frowning as he discovered a potential error. Starscream started to reply, but the telepath cut him off. "Right and wrong have no place in war."
"And that makes this okay?" Starscream demanded. He sounded and felt slightly unsure though, and Soundwave wondered how well he understood right and wrong to begin with. A few more image-thoughts flashed across Starscream's mindscape, all pictures of individual mechs, Autobot and Decepticon alike. They seemed to be symbols for abstract concepts, but without knowing what they meant to Starscream, Soundwave couldn't decipher them. Whatever meaning they held, the Seeker's doubts vanished.
"We're on the same side," he said, trapped hands balling into fists. "Even in a war, that makes this wrong."
Soundwave vented heavily and continued searching out errors, having decided the first one was unlikely to manifest. "What is wrong about this?" he asked, knowing the answer but wanting to keep Starscream occupied. The smaller mech snarled, shaking his head in an effort to rid himself of the data cable.
"It's a violation!" he snapped, now trying to free his hands. "Even if you weren't reprogramming me, it's still hacking. Doing it while I'm recharging, when I can't even say 'no', is just..."He trailed off with a shudder as Soundwave leaned forward. It was to give the taut cable some slack, but Starscream didn't know that, and his struggles immediately ceased. He stared at the masked face above his own for a moment, then turned his head away and shut off his optics, venting shallowly.
"Don't be afraid," Soundwave said, rubbing his hands gently over the Seeker's forearms in an attempt to calm him. "I won't hurt you."
Starscream didn't believe him, of course. But Soundwave could afford to be patient. He already knew it would take a long time, but he hoped that one day he would gain the younger mech's trust.
"I hate you," Starscream muttered, following Soundwave through the hallways. The words were barely audible, but he knew they were heard. He had never met a mech with such sensitive audios, except maybe Red Alert.
"Noted," Soundwave replied, and Starscream couldn't repress a shudder. The telepath's voice had never bothered him before, but now a single word was enough to conjure up memories of being pinned and invaded. He pushed them back down as quickly as they came, wanting nothing more than to pretend it had never happened. There was no way he could keep working with Soundwave if he didn't.
It helped to have the larger bot ahead of him. At least he would see it coming if anything else happened.
The Seeker's jaw tightened as he rubbed one forearm, wishing he could get the feel of Soundwave's hands off his plating. He didn't understand the other's behavior at all. Not that he ever could, but there was something different this time. Something deeply unsettling. Part of it had to do with Soundwave's insistance that he wouldn't be hurt, which was an obvious lie, but there was more to it than that.
Frag it. He wasn't supposed to be thinking about this. Starscream started rubbing his other arm as he looked beyond Soundwave to Megatron's office door.
He seriously didn't want to be here. He couldn't deal with Megatron on top of what had already happened today. But here he was, wing burning from the fresh welds and tanks still deciding whether to expel the half-cube of energon he'd forced down. Escorted by his hacker to speak with his abuser.
Maybe if he purged he could hide in the med bay for a few hours.
The door slid open at their approach, and Starscream's gaze dropped to the floor. Bad enough that he had to listen to Megatron's gloating, he didn't want to see it too. He stopped just behind Soundwave and forced himself to stop clawing at his arms.
"Well, Soundwave, did it work?" Megatron asked. Starscream could feel his leader's optics on him, just as clearly as he felt the phantom touches on his arms and head. There was no way he could get through this without some kind of breakdown. It was impossible.
"Reprogramming: successful," Soundwave said, making the Seeker flinch. "Starscream: fully obedient."
"We'll see about that." The groan and creak of metal warned Starscream that Megatron had left his chair. "Did he give you any trouble?"
"Affirmative. But it was futile."
Shame. Burning, tank-churning shame. But what did he have to be ashamed of? He was the wronged party, so why did he feel like the one at fault?
"So you hacked him." Megatron's voice was closer now, and harder. "You had better not have caused any lasting damage. I have no use for a traumatized Second."
Starscream hunched his shoulders, wings low and quivering. Soundwave, however, seemed unfazed when he replied, "Chances of long-term damage: seven percent. The new program operates primarily through emotional influence. Emotions deemed harmful will be mitigated."
"What?" Starscream jerked his head up to stare at Soundwave, not wanting to believe what he'd just heard. "Are you crazy? Do you have any idea what you-"
"Starscream." A single warning word and a heavy hand on his wing. That was all it took to make him fall silent again. He shrank away from the contact, half-expecting pain and unwilling to be touched, then tensed when the hand tightened. For the first time since entering the room, he looked around at Megatron. The warlord didn't seem angry, but beyond that his expression was unreadable. Trembling slightly, Starscream looked away again.
"I'm not sure this is an improvement," Megatron said skeptically. "Why is he acting like this?"
"Starscream: now driven to please you. However, the program doesn't know what you expect of him. Result: heightened anxiety. He will calm once core directives are programmed."
Heightened anxiety. Starscream felt like he was about to crash from stress, and Soundwave labeled it "heightened anxiety". The new program must not have been working right, because the sudden, violent desire to kill the telepath didn't feel mitigated at all.
"Core directives?" Megatron repeated. "Shouldn't you have included those to begin with?"
"Soundwave: lacks authorization. Directives can only be accessed by registered master."
Oh Primus. This was just getting worse.
"Is that really necessary?"
"Affirmative. Directives require no expertise to program. Without protection anyone could change them."
"I don't remember things being so complicated when the Combaticons were reprogrammed."
"Circumstances: different. For Combaticons: simple programs were sufficient. For Starscream: such a program offers too much leeway."
"I see." Megatron's hand finally left Starscream's wing, much to the Seeker's relief, and he moved back around the desk. "You're dismissed, Soundwave. I wish to speak to Starscream alone."
"As you command." The telepath brushed passed Starscream, who couldn't help but flinch away again, then the door slid shut behind him and silence fell. The Seeker flicked his wings apprehensively, painfully aware of being alone with a mech he no longer knew how to respond to. He glanced up briefly, then looked away again when he realized he was being watched. His chronometer told him that only a few seconds passed, but it felt like much longer before Megatron finally spoke.
"Well, Starscream? Don't you have anything to say about all this?" It wasn't asked in a gloating manner, or even an amused one, and it threw Starscream off. His leader sounded perfectly serious, which was the last thing he'd expected. But it gave him hope that his opinion was actually being requested, and he took a moment to consider the question.
"I don't know what to say," he admitted at length, hating how small his voice sounded. He reset his vocalizer and forced himself to meet Megatron's gaze, trying not to look as pathetic as he felt. "Why did you do this to me? I haven't done anything, not since the Combaticons. So why...?" He trailed off and looked back to the floor, unable to continue.
"You haven't done anything yet," Megatron replied, "but we both know it's only a matter of time. Only a fool would believe exile had any lasting effect on you, and your behavior yesterday proves that it didn't. In fact, nothing ever has a lasting effect on you."
Starscream's optics narrowed, and he curled his hands into fists. He'd done nothing wrong the day before except remove his Seekers from the sky when the Autobots showed up with anti-aircraft weaponry. Fliers weren't as effective on the ground, but they'd done alright until Megatron noticed and ordered them back into the air. Next thing they knew Thundercracker and Ramjet were both down, with Skywarp and Thrust almost getting shot while catching them. Megatron was forced to call the retreat, though of course he blamed the failed raid on Starscream. The Seeker accused his leader of paying too much attention to Optimus Prime and not enough to the other Autobots, and it all went downhill from there.
In retrospect, it had been a largely painless confrontation. If he hadn't been so angry he would have realized something was amiss, especially since Megatron left with Soundwave. But at the time he hadn't even cared.
Now he was angry again, and it overrode his fearful anxiety. He lifted his head and wings, face set in a defiant glare, and spat, "All I did was what you should have done! The Autobots won because you couldn't take three seconds to understand why we landed. You just sent right back into danger, and I honestly don't know who the bigger idiots are: You for ordering it, or the others for obeying!"
He was shouting by the end, even as he backed away from Megatron, who was striding toward him. The silver-gray mech still showed no signs of anger though, a fact which scared Starscream more than rage would have.
"You've proven my point perfectly," Megatron said as he backed the Seeker into a wall. "All these years I've been lenient, no matter what you've done, and you repay me with defiance and treachery. You should be grateful to have your life."
Starscream winced as the shame made itself known again, and even though he was sure it was a product of Soundwave's program, it felt no less real. It hurt to know Megatron was displeased with him, even as his logical mind insisted that he had no reason to feel that way.
A hand wrapped around his throat in a familiar crushing grip, and he reflexively clung to the large forearm as he was pushed back against the wall. "You have a habit of blaming others for your mistakes, so let me make something very clear," Megatron said, putting his face close to the Seeker's. "This is your fault. You chose to rebel, you have tried again and again to kill me, and now you will pay the consequences for your actions. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Starscream rasped, barely able to get it out. He felt like someone had taken a blade to his spark and carved the cruel words into the crystal. Megatron had basically just told him that he deserved to be hacked, and he was starting to believe it. Whether it was a natural result of the trauma, or the new coding agreeing with Megatron, it didn't matter. The searing pain in his spark was there regardless.
For a few seconds the narrow crimson optics studied him, then the hand left his throat and Megatron stepped back. Starscream slumped against the wall and tried to control himself, shaking so much he could barely stand. To his utter horror his vents hitched slightly, a clear indicator of his approaching meltdown. For a moment he dared to hope it had gone unnoticed but, of course, he was never that lucky.
"Did Soundwave do anything besides reprogram you?" Megatron asked, clearly suspicious. The implications of that question combined with Soundwave's strange behavior almost made Starscream purge then and there, especially when he remembered waking up with that cold presence in his head. The telepath had hurt him, and not just by breaking his wing; the comforting words and touches were painful in their own way, mostly because the comfort offered was fake. That it was offered at all scared him almost as much as being reprogrammed, simply because he didn't know what Soundwave wanted from him. But Megatron wouldn't care about any of that.
"No," Starscream whispered, not trusting his voice enough to raise it. "Nothing."
Somehow Starscream made it through the rest of the meeting without a complete breakdown, but it was close. He left the room in a daze, upright through sheer force of will. He knew Megatron hadn't believed him about Soundwave, and while the subject had been dropped, he hoped the blue mech would be kept away from him. Whatever Soundwave was after, it couldn't be good if he was playing nice.
Starscream needed to get out. He needed a place without walls or security cameras, someplace where he could collapse without being seen or stumbled across. But his quarters and his lab were both places where he could be easily found, which left him with only one option.
Five minutes later he was in the air, not caring that it was unsafe to fly when he could barely walk. He was used to flying in poor conditions, both his own and those of the weather, and a small, dark part of him gloried in it. There was always a chance, however slight, that he would crash and burn on one of these ill-advised flights. That small part of him longed for the day it happened.
He was shaking badly again, despite being in his altmode, which made it impossible to fly straight. It was almost like being caught in turbulence, except that no corrections he could make would help. The best he could do was dip lower and avoid the wind currents higher up that would make things harder.
For a brief moment he considered shutting off his engines and just dropping. Then he pushed the thought back into the recesses of his mind where it came from and kept going. The urge returned when he reached the west coast of North America, and the presence of solid ground below made it harder to resist. But he was used to holding his darkest impulses at bay, and he shoved it down again.
He transformed above a forest clearing and landed awkwardly, falling heavily to his knees. He doubled over with a soft whimper, wrapping his arms around himself as though it would ease the pain in his spark. All he could hear was Megatron's voice telling him this was his fault. All he could feel were the fresh wounds that hurt as much as any physical injury. Nothing else was real.
In the past he had always reacted to emotional pain by lashing out at whatever hurt him. Anger was his best defence, the only way he really knew to protect himself from others. But this time there was no one to get angry at, no one to blame but himself. This time he didn't know how to handle the pain.
Eventually the whimpers and moans became sharp cries, his vents hitching with shuddering sobs. With nothing to hold his weaker emotions in check, they spilled from him in an uncontrolled rush. He finally lost the battle with his tanks and purged, splattering the ground with energon the Decepticons couldn't afford to lose. A small thing, but his turbulent state made it almost unbearable.
At length his exhaustion overtook him and he slumped sideways, curling up in the dirt without a second thought. His wing was hurting again thanks to his earlier flight, but he cared about that only slightly more than he cared about the dust on his plating.
He wished he could just erase the memories of the last fifteen hours, but it was too dangerous. From a medical standpoint, his mind could only take so much tampering before being damaged, and Soundwave had already pushed him over that limit. The risk of making the damage permanent wasn't worth the relief of not remembering. Medical reasons aside, he needed those memories. He needed to remember that Soundwave could and would hurt him, and might do it again. If he deliberately ignored that, he would be asking for trouble.
Speaking of remembering, he was supposed to be on duty right now. He really didn't want to move, but he forced himself to his feet, and then into the air. He never saw the small black and red shape that had followed him from base. But Laserbeak had seen everything, and while he had no fondness for Starscream, watching the proud Seeker fall apart had been unsettling. Now, gazing after the other flier from a tree, he found himself wondering if Soundwave had finally made a mistake.
I'm not sure how dark this is going to get, and I may raise the rating later. But if anyone thinks it needs to go up at any time, just let me know.
