Right. Because of the way this chapter turned out, I'm officially raising the rating. Be warned for trauma, flashbacks, and other potentially triggering events from here on out.


How can you end my affliction
If you're the sickness, not the cure
-Death of Me, Red


Starscream had been through some truly awful things over the course of his life. He had lost Skyfire, then got his friend back just to lose him again. He had watched the destruction of his city, becoming the Winglord of a broken race as a result, when he was barely an adult. He'd put up with Megatron's abuse since his early days as a Decepticon. There had been times when physical and emotional stress left him unbalanced and angry for days or weeks at a time, unable to function in any socially acceptable manner. Through it all there was that self-destructive urge, a faint shadow lamenting his continued existence.

None of it could be measured against his first day as a reprogrammed mech. He had been able to regain some control of himself by the time he got back to base, but it was a fragile sort of control. Whenever Soundwave was in the same room, Starscream became tense and fidgety, snapping at anyone who spoke to him while trying to discreetly watch the telepath. Several times he found himself staring at a monitor or a datapad without really seeing it, having been too lost in thought to pay attention to what he was doing. Once he looked up after such a lapse and realized Soundwave had entered the room without him knowing, which almost sent him into a panic.

Perhaps most disturbing was the way he reacted to Megatron's presence. It wasn't just that he felt steadier and less fearful when the warlord was around, though that was bad enough. What really bothered him was the sense that everything would be okay as long as he did what he was told. The newly programmed core directives wouldn't let him act against his leader anyway, but the program itself made him not even want to. That, added to the strong desire for approval being instilled in him, was strange enough that he starting to feel ill again by the time his duty shift ended.

Being able to lock himself in his quarters at the end of the day should have been a relief. In some ways it was, because he was finally alone. But at the same time, he was afraid to be alone. Soundwave wasn't likely to try anything with other bots around, but on his own Starscream was a target. A prepared target maybe - he'd grabbed a bottle of acid from his lab - but still a target. What if Soundwave came while he was recharging again?

Starscream stared at the bottle in his hands as his thoughts chased each other in useless circles. He was sitting on the edge of his berth, elbows on his knees and a troubled frown on his face. He didn't know what to do. He needed to rest, especially since he hadn't the night before, but he didn't want to leave himself vulnerable. On the other hand, not resting would do that anyway. One way or the other, he would lose.

The acid splashed against the sides of the bottle as he rolled it between his hands. He had always thought he would rather die than be reprogrammed. Nothing had ever seemed worse than being turned into someone he wasn't, with no way to resist. But his worst nightmare had come to life, and it wasn't what he'd expected.

It was worse. He had never imagined how scared and weak he would feel after being hacked. Never thought he would feel so helplessly out of control that he would actually want Megatron to tell him what to do, just to have a sense of stability. Then there was the simple strain of having his coding changed, which was giving him a headache. It all came together to form a reality worse than anything his imagination had ever produced.

His hands shook slightly as they tightened around the bottle.

He didn't want to live in fear. He didn't want to be enslaved to someone else. He wanted to be himself, and if he couldn't do that... if that had been taken from him... What was left? Everything he had done with his life, every decision and mistake that had made him who he was... What did it matter if who he was could be taken away so easily?

He took a shuddering ventilation and subspaced the acid. He wanted it close at hand, but with his thoughts drifting toward some decidedly self-harmful uses for it, he no longer wanted to hold it. Instead he picked up a pair of datapads that were sitting next to him, which he'd also grabbed from his lab, and moved to put his back to the wall.

Both of the pads were academy-level databooks on programming. One focused specifically on coding, and he'd long since committed the contents to memory. The other took a more psychological view on programming, but he had never done more than skim it. Each contained a section on reprogramming, which was presented as a crime against nature. Morbid reading material for someone in Starscream's position, but he needed to know as much as he could about what Soundwave had done.

For some time he read in silence, stopping occasionally to collect himself before continuing on. In the coding text he found a program description that matched what he knew about Soundwave's addition, and it was just as bad as he had feared. It was a slave program, considered one of the worst because it involved manipulating the targets' emotions until they would willingly do anything their masters wanted.

The purpose of the core directives was explained too; they existed to alter a target's normal behavior in a way its master found agreeable, as well as providing a baseline for obedience. Creative bots could find loopholes while following orders, but the directives couldn't be broken, which fit with what Soundwave had said. Starscream was definitely creative enough to need the extra layer of control.

Unfortunately, programming them had meant letting Megatron into his head. Not nearly as deeply as Soundwave had gone, perhaps, and Starscream had allowed it, so it wasn't technically hacking. Assuming consent could exist between master and slave, which was debatable. It had been frightening either way, though it helped that Megatron hadn't seemed too happy about it himself. Starscream had expected to be heavily restricted, but only two directives were programmed: He couldn't act against Megatron in any way, and he had to follow plans as presented, without changes of his own. It could have been a lot worse, but that only made him wonder why it wasn't worse, so he tried not to think about it.

On the psychological side, this program was also one of the most dangerous. Not because of glitches, of which there were generally few, but because of the emotional side effects. Given enough time the program would completely take over the emotional cortex, and from there it would dominate the entire social center. During this the slave would become more reclusive and more dependent on its master, gradually losing any and all desire to make its own decisions.

But it was the next part that had Starscream's vents stalling: The longer the program was in place, the more damage it caused to the social center if it was removed. It was a fail-safe, a way to keep escaped slaves from trying to have it removed, and there was no record of anyone recovering fully once it was installed.

This couldn't be real. Tossing the datapad aside, Starscream stood and started pacing his quarters, arms wrapped around himself in an attempt at self-comfort. He was trying to focus on venting normally so he could avoid a heat-induced processor crash, but it was hard. His thoughts kept returning to what he'd read, and he was too worked up for any kind of mental discipline.

Without a doubt, this was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. How could Megatron have authorized this? If he was finally tired of Starscream, it would have been more merciful by far to just kill him. This was just so... "cruel" didn't begin to describe it. "Sick and twisted" was more like it. How deranged would a mech have to be to do something like this to another?

The Seeker groaned, kicking his berth in frustration before sitting down again. His arms tightened around himself as he bent over, pressing his face to his knees and forcing down the mounting panic. If only Megatron would listen to him for once! He would use these databooks to back up his argument, explain every detail in simple terms if he had to, whatever it took to convince Megatron that this program was destroying him. He would go present his case at once if he thought it would fix anything.

But it wouldn't. One word about programming and he would be lucky if Megatron only silenced him verbally. He would never be allowed to speak long enough to make his point properly. But what else could he do? Soundwave and Shockwave were the only Decepticons besides himself who knew anything about coding, but neither was an option. He couldn't change his own coding unless he wanted to create a virus and introduce it to his systems. It wasn't technically impossible to attack specific programs that way, but the risk of it damaging the entire system was too great. It would make a good last resort, but he would prefer something less debilitating.

So what did that leave him? No who could remove the program had any reason to help him, and everyone one else... They most likely wouldn't care that he had been reprogrammed. Some might even think it was about time.

A soft whimper slipped out before he could stop it, but he ruthlessly shoved down the sadness that had surfaced. He didn't need any of them. They couldn't help anyway, so what did it matter whether they cared or not? He was fine on his own.

Of course, he hadn't been fine against Soundwave... but he didn't want to remember that, so he shoved it down too. He didn't need to get caught in that logic loop again. The idea had brought something else to mind though, and his hands fisted against his sides as he mulled over the new idea. Maybe Soundwave did have a reason to help him. The telepath clearly wanted something, and might be willing to assist him in exchange for whatever it was. Soundwave wouldn't go against Megatron's orders, but maybe he could be persuaded to talk to their leader and convince him to have the programming removed.

It was a long shot, and there were so many ways it could go wrong. Soundwave might be refuse to help, or he might ask for more than Starscream was willing to pay. Megatron might ignore them, or punish the Seeker for going behind his back like that. Then there was the question of whether Starscream even had the courage to approach Soundwave with his request.

What if he was wasting his time? It had never been his way to give up without a fight, but what if there was no escape this time? How could he live knowing that he would never again be free?

...Would he even want to?


"I don't like this," Megatron said flatly. Soundwave sighed in annoyance. He had thought they were past this, but apparently not.

The two mechs stood in Megatron's office once again, safely away from any who might try to listen in. Megatron himself looked thoroughly disgusted, and he radiated anger. Soundwave already knew that he'd been watching Starscream all day and hadn't liked what he'd seen, but the telepath stayed silent. He would have his say when Megatron was done.

"I don't know what you did to Starscream," the warlord continued, but you must have done something more than reprogram him. I've never seen him act the way he did today, and it was only around you. What happened last night?"

As though he cared. He had never done anything but hurt Starscream. He wasn't allowed to care.

"It was necessary to restrain him before reprogramming could commence," Soundwave explained stiffly. "His wing was damaged in the process. Nothing more happened. Query: Why do you care?"

That was the key to dealing with Megatron, Soundwave had found. Accuse him of something as "weak" as caring about another, and many conversations could be redirected, or avoided completely. True to form, Megatron's mindset slid from offensive to defensive, and he shot Soundwave a hard look.

"We've been over this. He's my Second in Command. I need him functioning and able to do his job, not the nervous wreck I saw today."

Well, that was a bit of an exaggeration. Starscream had been jumpy and restless, yes, but that hardly made him a nervous wreck. He'd actually done quite well considering his state of mind. But Soundwave didn't say any of that, and after a few moments Megatron continued.

"If you truly did nothing else to him, then the only cause for his behavior today was the reprogramming. Yet I clearly remember you telling me that it would not have any seriously negative impact on him. Several times in fact. But after you left him here this morning, he almost had some kind of breakdown right in front of me. That isn't normal, and I'm beginning to wonder if this was a mistake."

The warlord's voice was hard, his emotional field angry, and Soundwave was feeling a bit miffed himself. Most likely Megatron had said or done something hurtful and Starscream had been too stressed to deal with it. But perhaps part of the blame was Soundwave's; he'd neglected to mention that reprogramming was much like physical surgery. The modified mind delicate and painful at first, just like fresh welds. Right now Starscream was fragile, mentally and emotionally, and he probably couldn't handle Megatron's normal treatment of him.

Of course, the omission had been deliberate, so Soundwave couldn't come out and say that. He was actually counting on Megatron to push Starscream in his direction through sheer ignorance. But he did need to say something to appease his leader, so he replied,"Starscream was afraid to be reprogrammed. He has yet to accept that it happened, and may try to fight it. He only requires time to adjust."

"But how long will that take?" Megatron asked impatiently. "Thanks to the last raid's failure, we need to launch another as soon as possible. We don't have a lot of time."

"Time required: varies by mech. If you wish it, I will help him adjust," Soundwave said. Megatron frowned, then delayed answering by gathering a few reports from his desk. The telepath waited patiently, listening to his unspoken doubts and feeling sure that he wouldn't voice any of them.

Sure enough, all he said was,"How can you help him when he seems to be afraid of you?" A detail which didn't bother him near as much as the question of how Soundwave intended to help. But asking about that would make it seem like he cared, and he'd already been accused of that.

Soundwave couldn't help but smile slightly at his leader's foolishness. Caring was not the weakness Megatron believed it to be. If it was, the Autobots would have been defeated long ago. Maybe he would live long enough to realize that, but probably not.

"I will speak to him," Soundwave said. "Status: important. He and I still have to work together, so he has to accept what I did." He coupled his words with a telepathic nudge, reminding Megatron of his own trustworthiness. After a few moments the warlord gave a slow nod, seemingly convinced.

"Alright. You seem to know what you're doing, and you've never failed me before. But I'm trusting your judgement on this. If something goes wrong, it's on your head."

"Acknowledged."


Starscream had decided to risk talking to Soundwave. He didn't want to, and a large part of him recoiled from the very idea of being alone with the telepath, but he had to. This was the only thing he could come up with that might work, and time was against him. If he wanted the program removed with minimal damage he had to act sooner, not later.

So now he was standing outside Soundwave's quarters, wishing he had more choices. It wasn't too late to go directly to Megatron, but he had already determined that it wouldn't do any good. He was beginning to wonder how much the new program was influencing that decision though, because the uselessness of arguing had never stopped him before. Nothing had changed except for that one thing, and he shivered when he realized his behavior was already being affected. He had to get things put right.

If only there was another way...

He was still standing there, fighting with himself, when a hand on his wing jolted him from his thoughts. He spun around, cursing himself for zoning out again, and stumbled back when he found Soundwave standing in front of him. Then he felt the cold press of the wall behind him, and suddenly the hallway was gone. He was back there, struggling as he was pinned against his door, a single sheet of metal between him and escape, and he just wasn't strong enough...

Little by little he became aware of arms around him, holding him as he fought and begged to be let go. His own arms were trapped against his chest, and it slowly sank in that he couldn't kick because he was sitting. Finally he remembered that what he was fighting had already happened, and his panic was replaced by despair. His struggles subsided into full-body shudders as his vents stuttered and stalled. He couldn't live like this! He just couldn't!

"Calm down," Soundwave said, sternly but quietly. "You'll damage your systems that way." Then, when that yielded no results, he raised a hand and began lightly stroking the back of the Seeker's head. At first Starscream cringed away from the touches that inevitably brushed his access panel, but he gave up when they kept coming. He just stared at his own hands, curled into useless fists against Soundwave's chest, and wished he had been smart enough to stay away.

He paid no attention to his chronometer, so he had no idea how long they stayed there. After glancing around and spotting a desk on the edge of his vision, he didn't even care much. They weren't in the hall, so no one was going to see them, and it barely registered that he was apparently in Soundwave's domain. All that mattered was gathering the memories related to his flashback and hiding them, burying them under less painful recollections and hoping they would stay there until he was ready to deal with them. Which would probably be never. Nothing that hurt so much was worth revisiting.

He felt calmer by the time he was finished, perhaps more so than was normal for the circumstances. He couldn't stop trembling though, and the sensation of being trapped kept his fear alive. He was sure that his proximity to Soundwave was the problem, and he wanted to pull away, but something stopped him. He opened his hands and pressed them against the other's chest, ready to push off, but...

"Why are you doing this?" he asked, doing his best to keep his voice steady. "Why are you being nice to me?" The question felt strange to ask, but he had to. He couldn't handle the uncertainty along with everything else.

"I do not wish to see you like this," Soundwave said. "Megatron has gone too far this time."

Starscream scowled a little at that, taking it as an insult to his intelligence. "I want the truth, Soundwave!"

"Suggestion: let me explain. I know the dangers of reprogramming. I argued against it. However, Megatron doesn't care how well you function as long as you can no longer resist him. I had no choice once he threatened to send you to Shockwave."

"But..." Starscream shuddered, curling in on himself as a strong sense of hopelessness welled up inside him. If that was true, there was nothing Soundwave could do to help him. He was trapped. Something about that story did seem off, but he was too distressed to figure out what.

"Why?" he whispered, slumping lower and resting his head between his hands. "Why did he... What did I do?"

Soundwave remained silent for a moment, hand stilling on the Seeker's head. Then he resumed his careful petting and said, "Did you ask him that?"

Starscream hesitated this time, unsure how he should answer. He was better at reading vocal tones than movements, and he didn't like the way that question was asked. There was an edge to that otherwise flat voice that unnerved him, leaving him reluctant to say anything. So he stayed silent, flinching away from Soundwave's hand when it moved to his chin and forced him to look up. The arm around him tightened at the same time, and every story he had ever heard about optical contact aiding telepathy came back to him. He shoved hard against Soundwave's chest, shutting off his optics as he tried to turn his head away. But he was so tired... What had the telepath done while they were talking?

"Starscream, it's alright," Soundwave said soothingly. "Calm down. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Stop saying that!" Starscream burst out, still straining against the arm pinning him. "You keep saying that, but you keep doing it! What- what did you do to me?"

"You need rest. A poor physical condition is more stress than your mind can handle right now." The hand on his face shifted, the thumb rubbing gentle circles under his optic, and he couldn't move away; he'd already turned his head farther than what was comfortable.

"Your frame understands things your mind doesn't," Soundwave continued softly. "Your mind is afraid of me, but your frame recognizes and accepts the comfort I'm offering. Combined with your exhaustion, recharge is a natural outcome."

Starscream wanted to argue that, but it was hard to dispute something that actually seemed to be happening.

His mouth worked silently for a few moments before he managed, "It was still deliberate though."

"You don't need to fear me. I only wish to prove that." Soundwave's hold loosened somewhat, and Starscream briefly considered bringing out the acid now that his arms had more mobility. But he wasn't stupid enough to provoke a fight he could neither escape nor finish, so he stayed still, trying to think of a way out. It seemed like his only option was to play along though, and he resigned himself to it with a sigh.

"You won't do anything?" he asked quietly, not having to fake his nervousness. It wasn't like he could do much to defend himself, even if he had to.

"Negative," Soundwave replied. "Nothing will happen. I promise."

Starscream didn't believe him, but he gave a small nod and forced himself to relax. His instincts were screaming that Soundwave couldn't be trusted, and that coming here had been a bad idea, but he allowed himself to be resettled against the telepath's chest. If nothing else, he was used to doing things he didn't like in the name of self-preservation. He just had to avoid similar situations in the future.

It was almost frightening how quickly his frame relaxed once he made a conscious effort to stop resisting. He knew that it was dangerous, that one should never drop their guard around a proven enemy, yet somehow he was doing just that. He had to have been glitching or something, because there was no way he would still be here if he was thinking straight. He tried to stay awake, regardless of how tired he was, but it soon proved useless.

His last thought before darkness claimed him was to hope this wasn't a big mistake.


Soundwave gazed silently at the now-motionless Seeker in his arms, optics dim behind his visor. It had taken a lot of telepathic proding to get Starscream calm enough to even speak with after that flashback, and one wrong move had almost set him off again. Getting him to sleep had been harder by far, and it wouldn't have worked if he hadn't been so worn out. Maybe not even then, under normal circumstances. But that was why he had established an empathic link with Starscream after Ravage told him how badly the Seeker was coping. Such a link was basically a direct tie to another's emotional cortex, making them easier to influence than usual. Given how badly Starscream had reacted to his appearance earlier, it seemed to have been a good idea.

The blue mech sighed, shaking his head. He was pretty sure Starscream didn't know why he had been reprogrammed, and it had to stay that way. Megatron was easy enough to deceive, but Starscream wouldn't be so trusting if he found any inconsistencies. He really was too clever for his own good sometimes.

Soundwave shifted his grip on Starscream, leaning him more against one arm and brushing his fingers over the flier's face. Sometimes Starscream reminded him of a rebellious youngling; good at getting into trouble, but not so much at getting out. What the Seeker needed was proper guidance, someone to help him off the self-destructive path he was on. But no one cared enough to do that.

Until now. Starscream was too used to abuse to see it, but he really did want to help him, and eventually the younger mech would realize that.

He just needed to make sure Megatron didn't interfere.


We were kind of blurring the line at the end, but I wanted to say that there will be no slash between Soundwave and Starscream. I just figure that since he's a telepath who caries other bots in his chest, Soundwave's idea of personal space and privacy are a bit different from the norm. His intentions are... well, as innocent as the circumstances allow.

Anyway, next time we'll finally get an unbiased account of what Megatron really thinks of all this, and a few more characters will show up too. But since this story is getting about as dark as an arctic winter, I'm taking a short break to write something more lighthearted for the holidays. The next chapter will come out sometime after that.