A/N: Sorry for the late update! I'm at the beach, and the internet access here just sort of comes when it feels like it.
"I finished the MRI," Forman said, walking into the diagnostics office, "and look. There's a mass." He put the scans down on the table. Cameron and Chase leaned in for a closer look.
"It's small," Cameron concluded gravely. "But it could definitely be dangerous."
"This," House said from the corner of the room, "is why science conquers fantasy. I'd like to see a wizard diagnose that."
"We have to do a biopsy to confirm," Foreman said.
"Drilling into his head," Chase began thoughtfully. "I'm pretty sure you'll need Cuddy's approval for that one."
"I'm on it," House said, already heading out the door. "Get consent, will you? Although, I can't imagine that they would sue."
"I can get it," Cameron said, standing up.
"Why don't you let me?" Chase said, standing up too. "You've had a long day, going to England and all."
"It's really not a problem," Cameron assured him.
"No, you should eat lunch," Chase insisted. "I can take it from here."
"Alright," Cameron nodded. "Thanks." She gave Chase a fleeting smile. Pleased with himself, Chase headed for the door.
"It's not gonna work," Foreman hummed quietly.
()()()
"The wizard of Oz needs a biopsy," House said, throwing the MRI scans down on Cuddy's desk dramatically. Cuddy looked up from the letter she had been reading.
"Why the hell did you go to England?"
"I…wanted some tea," House improvised quickly.
"You cannot just leave the country in the middle of a Wednesday morning!" Cuddy replied in horror.
"What's the big deal? I was gone for an hour."
"The 'big deal' is that the Ministry of Magic is furious! They've sent two more guards for outside of the hospital and they're keeping a close eye on all of us from now on."
"Looks like someone has a wand up their ass." House chuckled at his own joke. "Well, how about you explain to them that the boy they're trying to protect died of brain cancer because you were too busy bitching about them?"
"He has a brain tumor?" Cuddy gasped, taking the MRI scan off of her desk. "Oh,God."
"I need a biopsy," House said, taking advantage of Cuddy's distraction to slip a few drops of liquid into her coffee.
"Alright," Cuddy sighed. "Do it."
()()()
"What did the test show?" Harry asked as soon as Chase entered the room. Hermione and Ron looked on hopefully.
"Well" Chase began. He neared Harry's bed and sat down on the closest chair. "The MRI showed a mass in your brain."
"A mass…?" Harry asked. "What kind of mass?"
"We're not sure. We have to undergo a process called a biopsy. Basically, we have to open your head and take a piece of the mass."
Ron and Hermione looked horrified. Harry gulped. "And when you do that, then what might you find?"
"The brain tumor could be totally benign," Chase said quickly. "Or…it could be cancerous. Then we'd have to discuss your options for surgery to remove it."
"But you could remove it, then, right?" Hermione asked nervously.
"Based on the size and location, yes, I think we can remove it."
"Blimey," Ron breathed. He looked up at Chase. "And if it's not a bad tumor, what happens? Does he just go on with it in his head?"
Chase paused. "Brain tumors are a little more difficult than tumors in other places. If we think the tumor will impede any of your brain function, we may have to operate anyway."
Harry sighed resignedly. "So what first?"
"Your ministry wants us to treat you as a legal adult. So we need your consent for the biopsy." Chase passed Harry a clipboard of forms and a pen. Harry began to sign shakily. "Dr. Foreman and I will set up the biopsy immediately," Chase continued. "So you won't have long to wait."
"What about Dr. Cameron?" Ron blurted out.
"Dr. Cameron is getting an ultrasound on her uterus," Chase said. Then he widened his eyes in shock. He hadn't meant to say that. Hermione broke out into a fit coughs that were clearly badly disguised laughter.
"You mean she's pregnant?" Harry asked in surprise.
"Five weeks," Chase nodded with a smile.
"Oh, how lovely!" Hermione squeaked. She coughed several more times.
"Do you need some water?" Harry look at her concernedly.
Hermione waved him away. "I'm fine," she gasped as she caught her breath.
Ron just gaped at Chase. "Who's the father?" he managed finally.
"Oh," Chase lowered his voice dramatically. "We're not sure. The DNA test is pending. I'm sorry to say that I'm one of the possibilities."
"You are?" Ron turned a little green.
"Yeah, are you?" Chase asked, returning to normal volume. "Because if you are, it'd be great if we could test you."
"I haven't known her for five weeks," Ron said, shaking his head incredulously. "Wow, that's really…wow."
"Oh, that's right," Chase said, pretending to remember. "It's hard to keep track with her, you see. It's always the same drill with the patients' friends: go to drinks, go to dinner, go to bed. Usually takes about two days to get from step one to step three. Actually, I'm impressed, given her age. I know she doesn't look it but she's almost forty."
Ron had been struck dumb. Hermione's face was beet red and she looked as though she would soon explode from pent up laughter. Harry just looked dazed. Chase slid the clipboard from out of Harry's hands.
"Well, I should be going, then," he said, a huge smile on his face. "Call me if you need anything." He turned and went out in the hall.
Hermione waited until he had gone out of sight before muttering, "Bathroom," and hurrying after him. Chase was walking slowly down the hall; he seemed to be waiting for her.
"That was brilliant!" she exclaimed, walking briskly towards him.
"It all just sort of came out," Chase said in awe. "I didn't even plan that."
"He totally bought it," Hermione grinned. "Thank you so much."
"Hey, it helped me out too," Chase said with a shrug. "Thanks for forcing me into this."
"Don't mention it," Hermione said with a smile. "Well…I should get back to Harry now."
"Alright," Chase said. "See you in a bit."
()()()
House entered Wilson's office and dropped onto the couch. "House," Wilson said sternly. "Not now. I'm really busy."
"I need a consult," House said.
Wilson sighed. "What?"
"The patient has a mass in his brain."
"Did you biopsy?" Wilson asked.
"About to."
"Then you don't need a consult yet," Wilson sighed. "Is this some new game? Waste my time?"
"No, no," House said, shaking his head. "We play that game on Tuesdays. I have something better." House reached into his pocket and pulled out a thin cardboard box. He tossed it on to Wilson's desk.
"Filibuster Fireworks," Wilson read. "Getting ready for the fourth of July?"
"These aren't just any fireworks," House said mischievously. "These are magic fireworks." Wilson looked at him blankly. "Don't tell me I have to go through the spiel about the wizards, the magic castle, and the funny looking people all over again."
"Cuddy told me about your patient," Wilson said. "I guess she figured you would if she didn't or something. But I just didn't believe it."
"Oho, believe it!" House said with a laugh. "It's pretty screwed up. But anyway, I bumped into these twins—literally—on my way out of the school. They were wearing these hats that made their heads invisible." Wilson raised his eyebrows. "It's true," House scowled, "I have one in my office. Anyway, don't interrupt. I asked these kids how much they wanted for it. They ended up selling me tons of weird stuff for only twenty-five bucks! Turns out they just like to look at our money."
"Wait, House—are you serious? You bought magical pranks?"
"Sure did," House beamed.
"Wow. What are they?"
"Like I'm going to tell you," House scoffed. "You'll find out, sooner or later."
"Oh, damn," Wilson muttered. "This is going to be hell."
"Don't worry," House assured him. "You're pretty low down on the list of people I want to use them on. But I need your help with this one." He indicated the fireworks.
"Oh. Oh. No way, House."
"Come on," House whined. "It'll be so much fun. Those kids'll be mad if I don't use them."
"I'm not saying don't, I'm saying I don't want any part in it."
"I need help setting them off," House said. Wilson bit his lip thoughtfully. "It'll be fuuuuun," House coaxed.
"Fine," Wilson said finally. "But only if you promise you won't use any of your other pranks on me."
"I promise," House grinned victoriously. "Oh, this is going to be so good…"
