Summary:
They all sat in the Meeting room and Bilbo was glad that Bell had offered to stay with the children instead of going to the Celebrations, Lobelia and Saradoc deciding to help her and spend some time with their children.
"What was that?" Legolas asked, "Father?"
Bilbo sighed.
"Bard has given me colors and I have given him some as well." Thranduil said simply.
"But... mother...?" Legolas asked.
"Your mother..." Thranduil stopped and looked at Legolas, "You are my son, Legolas, your parentage does not change that, but I did not sire you."
"Mahal." Dwalin whispered.
Gimli grasped Legolas' hand tightly, blue and gold spiraling from his grasp.
"What?" Legolas whispered.
Thranduil sighed, "Your mother was my brother's wife, when he died she barely had the strength to come to me, you were born early and your mother faded away before you managed to enter the world, I cut you out because she had made me promise I would raise you."
"I..." Legolas squeezed Gimli's hand, blue painting the Dwarf's hand.
"Legolas." Gimli said as he drew the Elf to sit on the ground with him, somehow managing to settle the Elf in his lap without it being awkward, "It's okay."
Gimli continued murmuring to Legolas gently, petting his hair.
Thranduil looked like he wanted to take Legolas into his arms but let Gimli comfort his son, watching them with knowing eyes.
They waited until Legolas turned to look at them, "I'm not going to call Bard dad."
Gimli laughed, "He's a bit young for that isn't he?"
Legolas smiled sweetly at Gimli and curled into him.
"You don't have to call me dad, that would be weird."
"Do we have to call King Thranduil Father?" Tilda asked, "Can we?"
Thranduil looked at her startled at her eagerness.
"The Elvish wod for Father is Ada." Legolas informed them.
"Please!?" Tilda asked, looking at Thranduil pleadingly.
Bard laughed at Thranduil's lost expression, "If you like you may."
Thranduil found himself nodding.
"Great!" Bilbo grinned, "Moving on."
"You can call Thorin Uncle too." Fili blurted out.
Bilbo hid his face in his hands as Sigrid slapped Fili.
"That wasn't how I wanted to tell them!"
"Tell us what?" Bard asked, slowly.
"This is the best story." Dis whispered to Bilbo.
"I've seen better." Bilbo whispered back.
"What could be more drama filled than this?" Thorin asked.
"Oh, you should have seen my first Birthday party, Tooks and Bagginses all in one garden, I'm pretty sure my Grandmothers nearly killed each other trying to get me to walk to them, each one standing on opposite sides of the room."
"So, who'd you go to?" Nori asked.
"My Mother." Bilbo said.
"WHAT!" Bard cried, "But you're still so young. And you!" Bard pointed at Fili, "You should have asked me!"
"Bilbo has been chaperoning us, we have done nothing but court." Fili promised.
"Bilbo is not her Father, nor are you his responsibility!" Bard screamed.
"Actually he is." Bilbo said absently.
"What?" Bard turned to Bilbo.
"Yes, what?" Dis asked.
"Oh, right, Hobbits." Bilbo realized, "Well, considering at the time of the quest I had no young children and Kili and Fili were very obviously too young to be there and Thorin's nephews and that Thorin had given me my Hurt-colors, well, by Hobbit standards we were Married and Thorin's responsiblities became mine which means that I've basically been in charge of the boys since the quest."
"Is that why you kept telling Kili to eat more at Beorn's?" Fili asked.
"And why I kept you from drinking with the others." Bilbo said.
"You said there wasn't any more beer!" Fili cried.
Bilbo rolled his eyes.
"But how does that make them yours?" Legolas asked.
Bilbo frowned, "I guess it's sort of a hierarchy, the Oldest Hobbit present is the one in charge, let's take Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, for example, when we were on our way here it was just us, had something happened to me it would have been Sam's responsibility to see them to safety, essentually he would have become the parent, even once they had arrived Sam would have kept charge of them even under an older Hobbit, even under his own Mother Sam would still have been a parent to Pippin and Merry."
"What about Frodo?" Dis asked with a frown.
"Frodo is Sam's Match, he'd have been just as much a parent to Pippin and Merry. By Hobbit standards they are Married." Bilbo explained.
"They are children." Thranduil shouted.
"Yes, they won't have any adult urges until they are around thirty three when Hobbits come of age." Bilbo said.
"You married them so young?" Bard asked.
Bilbo shook his head, "Not the way Men, Elves, and Dwarrow Marry, Hobbits are Married when they recieve their Hurt-colors."
Thorin frowned, "Then how long have we been married, by Hobbit standards?"
"Since you grabbed me in the Misty Mountains." Bilbo told him, "Hobbits can feel the spread of Hurt-colors."
They stared at Bilbo.
"Huh." Dis sounded, "Hobbits do things very simply."
"Yes, well, we are simple folk, and we like it that way, thank you very much." Bilbo sniffed.
"Well, at the very least we can be assured that are alliances are sound, not that they weren't before." Legolas laughed, "By the time we are all married to our matches we'll be a giant family."
"I suppose we will." Thorin said, "So, Bilbo, who else is courting that you know of?"
Bilbo raised an eyebrow, "Well..."
"Bofur and I!" Ori blurted.
"Ori!" Dori cried.
"Oh, like you didn't stop by to ask Bilbo about Balin." Nori sighed.
"Nori!" Dwalin growled.
"You asked me last week to help make apology cookies." Bilbo reminded Nori.
"Nori." Dwalin murmued, voice softer.
"Mahal." Thorin muttered, scrubbing his face.
"This will likely be the most fun I've had since Legolas was a child." Thranduil admitted, helping Tilda climb onto his lap.
"Can I ride your moose?" Tilda asked.
"We'll see." Thranduil told her.
"Okay." Tilda shrugged, "Can Tauriel teach me how to fight?"
"Yes, Tauriel can." Tauriel accepted.
"Fine." Bard said, "But not Swords."
"How about Knives?" Tauriel asked seriously.
Dis grinned, "You're good for us." She whispered to Bilbo.
"You've been good for me too." Bilbo smiled and leaned into Thorin's shoulder.
A/N: I think this got a bit cracky there at the end but Gods can you imagine how crazy that family would be once they all get married to their soulmates? The family dinners alone would be hillarious.
And Bilbo being the Adultiest Adult, come on you all know it's true.
I kinda wanted to add Mpreg at several points in this story, how would you guys feel about that?
