Chapter 3
The TARDIS materialized with a rattle and a thump, and two faces peered through the doorway into the control room.
"All fixed?" asked Rose.
"Did we land, or should we be panicking?" asked Jack.
The Doctor did not immediately respond. Although he was nearly certain that he and the TARDIS had worked things out and that she was now responding to his control, he still took the time to check the outdoor camera. The reflected image showed greenery and flowers, and there was nary a naked statue in sight.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" he demanded of his companions, who still hovered in the doorway, uncertain of their welcome. "I thought you lot wanted adventure."
Rose smiled; hesitantly at first, but soon her whole face lit up with excitement and pleasure. "Where are we?"
A flicker of disappointment crossed the Doctor's face, accompanied by a merry twinkle in his blue eyes. "You suddenly grow timid?"
Rose's smile grew even wider as her trainers slapped against the metal grating in her headlong rush to the door. The Doctor heard her gasp in astonishment followed by "Beautiful."
Casting a smug glance at Jack, the Doctor flipped a few more switches and exited the TARDIS, Jack following on his heels. "Like it?"
Rose whirled to face him and engulfed him in a hug. "It's fantastic!"
This was exactly the response he had been hoping for, and he relished every nuance of her delight – the feel of her arms around him, the rapid beating of her heart, the slide of skin against skin as she slipped her hand in his as if that was where her hand belonged.
Even Jack could not suppress the gleam of appreciation in his eyes and he gazed at the extensive variety of flora that stretched before him in a riot of shapes and colors. "The botanical gardens on Lobelia?" he asked.
The Doctor nodded. "Lobelia is unique, Rose," he said, not wanting to give Jack the chance to upstage him. "The soil here is unusually fertile, and the climate is well suited to growing plants of all kinds. The ancient peoples here were space explorers and took advantage of this by bringing back seeds and sprouts from all over the universe. Eventually, the entire planet transformed into a botanical garden."
Jack piped up, "Mind you, we'd probably best avoid the carnivorous plant exhibit."
"Yeah," agreed the Doctor, giving Rose's hand a squeeze. "Jeopardy-friendly, she is."
"Oi!" said Rose, digging her elbow into the Doctor's side. "You gonna show me around or stand here gabbing?"
"We can go, but no flower picking. We stick to path and leave things as we found them, yeah?"
"Yes sir," saluted Jack as Rose nodded.
With some good natured jostling and ribbing, the trio wandered the gardens – Rose wide-eyed with wonder, the Doctor clutching her hand, and Jack nodding appreciatively. The Doctor proved to be very knowledgeable about the plants on exhibit and the planets from which they came. Jack, on the other hand, demonstrated extensive knowledge of a different kind.
"You know," Jack said conversationally, "the fragrance of that particular flower is supposedly an aphrodisiac."
Rose stopped mid-sniff. "You having me on?"
Jack ignored the glare from the Doctor. "No. It's true. They also say that eating the leaves of that plant ensures hyper-fertility. You know triplets or more."
"More?" squeaked Rose and slowly backed away from the innocent looking orange bloom as if afraid it might bite.
The Doctor scoffed. "Jack, you know the effects only work on the Dog People of Garou."
"Jack!" Rose exclaimed before stomping over to him and punching him lightly on the arm.
"I'm just saying," Jack replied with a chuckle, lifting both hands in surrender. "Course, the violet one next to it is recognized on several planets as an offer to shag when presented as a gift." He waggled his eyebrows at Rose. "And when coupled with the blue one here," he gestured to the small blooms at his feet, "it becomes an offer of a committed life-long shagging partnership."
"You better stay away from that one, then," commented Rose with a snort. "One partner for life? You'd likely burst into flames."
Jack placed a hand over his heart in exaggerated pain. "You wound me, Rose Tyler."
Rose rolled her eyes and grinned. "Amazing isn't it that with you around there are so many flowers and plants that are related in one way or the other to…," Rose stumbled for the word, casting a furtive glance at the Doctor, "dancing". That makes, what, twenty in the past 10 minutes? I'll bet you're making this stuff up."
Jack shrugged. "I didn't choose where we landed. The Doctor did that. Can I help it which plants are here?"
"Uh huh," Rose replied, her tone clearly indicating she didn't believe him. "I think you're full of it."
Jack moved in close, his body nearly plastered to her front. "You want to find out for sure?" His voice sounded low and seductive.
"Oi," griped the Doctor, "we gonna stand here listening to mister hormone or we moving on?"
Jack sniffed indignantly and took an exaggerated step away from Rose. "That's Captain Hormone, thank you very much."
"Sorry," murmured Rose, returning to the Doctor's side and grabbing his hand. "Let's go!"
Momentarily appeased, the Doctor led the group further along the path, his pace more hurried than it had been before. Though his rough-hewn features were carefully schooled into nonchalance, a niggling suspicion in the back of his mind was growing into a full-blown concern.
The problem was that Jack had not been making up any of the sexual factoids he spouted. Everything he had told Rose thus far had been true, and the Doctor was beginning to suspect that the TARDIS had not landed them near the Extinct Plants of Earth exhibit as he planned, but had instead put them on a direct course for the…
They turned left following the very tall and green wall of hedge and stopped short. The hedge encircled a large patch of garden, artistically arranged around a series of statues. A series of naked statues. A series of naked statues of aliens in all shapes and sizes engaged in some form of procreation.
This was definitely not on the Doctor-planned tour.
The Doctor sighed deeply and ran both his hands over his close cropped hair. The TARDIS had ensured their path would take them through the Pleasure Gardens. Similar to the other flora they had passed thus far, each plant grouping contained a placard that listed the name of the vegetation as well as the planet of origin. In addition to this, however, each grouping also contained a statue that graphically depicted the act the plant aided.
Unbidden, his arms crossed in front of him and he glared at the garden, as if he could make it disappear through dirty looks alone. It wasn't that he was a prude; nine hundred years was a long time to get used to all kinds of things, even if he didn't engage in them himself. But the TARDIS blatantly pushing this agenda, one he was resolutely not going to pursue, made him angry. Sure, he and his ship had disagreed in the past, but never before had she gone to such lengths, especially after they had reasonably sorted matters.
No, this was nearly mutiny, and he briefly wondered if perhaps he had misunderstood her communication. His eyes flickered briefly over the nearest statue before discarding the notion like so much rubbish. There was nothing subtle about this message at all. He knew what she was up to, and somehow he had to make it stop before Rose got the idea he was some sort of intergalactic pervert.
Jack had practically dragged Rose further into the garden, leaving the Doctor to glower alone. The Doctor watched them in silence, noting Jack's delight and Rose's embarrassed curiosity. Her face was flushed and her movements uncertain, and she kept casting furtive glances at him, but she was not backing away. And why should she? Had not the Doctor told her there was a different morality out among the stars and that she should get used to it or go home? Unbidden, a small blossom of pride flowered within his hearts as he regarded his daft ape.
Jack and Rose moved to stand before a statue depicting a male Ratbor, a species known for having exceptional attributes. The two had been too far from him for any pieces of their conversation to reach him until now, and any smile that might have bloomed from his prideful thoughts died horribly as he heard their conversation.
"OK," giggled Rose. "That has to be an exaggeration."
"Not at all. The Ratbor are renowned throughout the universe for this reason. Those that choose to go into the service field are some of the best paid escorts in the universe."
"Escorts," Rose replied dully.
"I haven't ever been able to afford one myself, but one day…." Jack's eyes turned dreamy.
Rose gawped. "But that can't be physically possible. I mean, the females…to fit…" Her words trailed off as she tried to wrap her mind around the implications.
"The females are exceptional as well," Jack started, pulled from his fantasies. He quickly scanned the clearing to see if there was a comparable statue. "I guess that since the females don't need to use the flowering herb we see here, they decided not to include a depiction. Shame."
"Uh, yeah," Rose said. She tried to imagine what attribute the females would need, and boggled at what her mind told her.
"Guess it makes sense the males would use herbs. They'd have to in order to satisfy that kind of a woman." Jack waggled his eyebrows at Rose, trying to lighten the mood and ease her embarrassment. "Though I doubt I'd need such help."
His technique worked and Rose choked out a laugh. "You can't be that good."
"You won't know till you try," he added with a wink.
Rose laughed harder. "With you, I'd have to take a number!"
"Oh, Rosie. You, I'd put at the front of the line."
"Uh huh," she said with another giggle. Deciding she'd had enough of alien bits and pieces, she moved away from the statue and towards the Doctor.
"I'm serious!" Jack called after her.
Rose waved him off. "So," she said to the Doctor, "the TARDIS is still busted, yeah?"
The Doctor stared down into her brown eyes, amazed at this creature he'd had the good fortune to meet. Most people by now would have written him off as a connoisseur of alien porn and demanded to be taken home. Not his Rose. She trusted him completely, giving him the benefit of the doubt even when he didn't deserve it. He hoped he'd never take that trust for granted.
He reached out and grabbed her hand. "Yeah. Still broken." Some part of him, he knew, wasn't talking about the TARDIS.
Turning to retrace their steps, he called out to Jack, "Jack, pack it in! We're heading back."
A somber mood swept over the trio as they returned to the TARDIS. Jack walked slowly, taking in as many sights as he could before they left, while the Doctor seemed lost in his own thoughts. Rose watched the Doctor with a concerned eye, noting each time his brow furrowed, his eyes squinted, his ears flushed, or his hand squeezed hers. And each time she thought he needed it, she squeezed back.
Once inside the TARDIS, the Doctor picked up his favorite rubber mallet and purposefully advanced on the console. Rose and Jack shared a look before scurrying off into the depths of the ship where, hopefully, there would be safety.
The Doctor waited until his companions were out of the room, and then laid the mallet down on the metallic surface. Hands propped on the console, he leaned forward menacingly. The light of the time rotor reflected off the hard planes of his face giving him the appearance of a demon.
Not bothering with projecting his thoughts, he spoke to the TARDIS directly. "Cut. It. Out!" he demanded, his voice low and full of threat.
The TARDIS responded by sending him an image of Rose, wreathed in golden light, the Vortex dancing in her eyes.
"Right," said the Doctor. "This means war."
