Warnings: Sirius lovers beware—he's really portrayed as twisted here. I've always thought him to be kind of creepy, so that comes out full throttle in this chapter. Referenced/implied sexual assault. Homophobia. Obsession. Dangerous mental illness.
Summary: Severus and Harry spend time working through their pasts. Severus' drawing of Sirius starts Harry on a search for answers. He finds more than he bargained for.
Notes: Drawing in this chapter on AO3, about 1/4 down under the same username and work title. It will be posted tomorrow sometime if you want to check it out.
CHAPTER 14
Things Unsaid
Severus sat against the headboard with Harry at his side, his drawings in his lap. His fingers shook as he turned to the middle of the book, where a grey-haired old man began to feature prominently in his work. He stopped on one, eyes stinging as he remembered the pain he had rendered in stark relief.
Severus knelt before an old man, a pregnant woman in his arms, her face contorted with pain. Blood dripped from her chest and onto the floor. Tears streaked Severus' face as he cried out to the old man, but Dumbledore had turned his back on his pleas.
"I made this … approximately two months after I became a spy," he said in a soft, broken voice. "Riddle had been increasingly focused on finding her, and I continually tried to warn Albus that something wasn't right. He kept insisting they were safe and protected and everything would be fine." Severus gave a bitter laugh. "But no one counted on the rat."
Harry hugged Severus' waist. "I know. I half wish I'd just killed the bastard in third year. Voldemort would have never returned."
Severus shook his head sadly. "He would have. He would have found a way. And who knows—we might not have been prepared to meet him, had you killed Pettigrew." He turned into Harry and kissed his hair. "And you were an innocent. To kill him when he was helpless would have scarred you permanently."
"This curse—it would've held then, wouldn't it? Because my soul would've been scarred by more than Dimidium Animae—I'd have been a murderer then."
"That is my fear. Let us be glad you did not kill him and that we need never worry about his interference again."
Harry nodded and turned into Severus' side. "It hurt, didn't it? That you kept trying to warn Dumbledore and he wouldn't listen?"
Severus closed his eyes. "I have carried the guilt and anger from that situation for years."
Harry turned Severus' chin to face him. "Let it go. It's not your fault. You did everything you could."
Severus turned away. "I failed her."
"No, love. No. Pettigrew failed her—them, all of us. You tried your best to save us." Harry kissed him softly. "Let it go. I forgave you years ago, and I believe with all of me, she would have too, if she had lived long enough to know what a brave, beautiful man you are."
Severus buried his face in Harry's shoulder, shaking with grief and a rush of warm relief. "Thank you."
"Ssh. Nothing to thank me for. I love you."
Severus laid his book aside and clutched Harry into his arms. "Show me. I need to feel it right now. I need to feel you wash away the pain."
"Severus … are you sure?"
"Yes. Absolve me with your love."
Harry's eyes lit up with fire. "With pleasure."
Harry sat beside Severus against the headboard once more, the position becoming familiar as they continued to work their way through Severus' drawings. The process had been healing for both of them, as much of what haunted Severus had hurt Harry, too. Working through it together had given both of them deeper perspective and healing Severus couldn't find in either his medicine or his mind healer sessions.
The next drawing caused Harry's heart to lodge in his throat.
Severus was kneeling on the grass near two boys. One, eyes painted vivid green, sobbed over the form of an older boy with sightless hazel eyes and a Hufflepuff badge on his robes.
"C-Cedric. Oh gods. Severus, why did you …?"
"It hurt me too, Harry." Severus cuddled Harry close. "I recorded it because I felt as if I should have saved him. I should have stopped the tournament. And seeing how much it damaged you—gods, it tore the heart from me to see you so shattered."
"It was my fault," Harry breathed. "I told him to share the prize with me. Had I not, he'd still be alive. Damn it, the one time I should've been a selfish prat and I had to … I had to …." He choked off his words, struggling to stifle a sob. "I'm sorry. Gods, what I wouldn't give to take it back."
"Harry … love, have you been carrying this guilt so long?"
Harry winced and buried his face in Severus' shoulder. "Should carry it. None of them would be dead if not for me. Remus, Tonks, Fred, Lav—"
"Harry!" Severus tipped up the younger man's face and wiped away a couple stray tears. "Pet, look at me."
Harry opened his eyes and winced at the warmth of tears.
"I ask you now. Do you blame me for … for Charity Burbage?"
"No, Merlin, no. He killed her, not you."
"And for Regulus Black?"
"No, love. You had no choice."
"For your parents?"
Harry huffed. "Of course I don't. Riddle killed them, not you."
Severus raised an eyebrow and said nothing. Harry winced and looked away.
"It's not the same. He was never obsessed with you, Severus. He … it's always been about trying to kill me. People died to save me, damn it. It's … it's not right."
Severus brushed Harry's tears away. "Ssh. People died because a madman decided they were in the way. Tell me, what if Longbottom had been 'the Chosen One' instead of you, Harry? The soldiers and those who died to protect you, if they had died for Neville instead, would you blame him for their deaths?"
Harry cringed. "I … I … n-no."
"Then do not blame yourself. You did not ask anyone to die for you, but rather died so that they would be safe. You bear no responsibility for their deaths."
"But—"
"But nothing. If it does not apply to Longbottom, if it does not apply to me, then it does not apply to you either." Severus kissed his forehead. "I will say the same thing to you that you said to me last week. Let it go, Harry. You are not guilty. You owe no one your remorse. You are not to blame." He kissed Harry until the pain unwound from his heart and ceased to burden him so heavily. "Love, let them go."
Harry blinked tears down his face and nodded. "I … I'll try."
"Good." Severus held him close. "I have my own issues with guilt, pet. Let us help each other through this, hmm?"
"Yeah. Sounds good." With a tearful smile, Harry Banished the sketchbook to the nightstand and turned out the lights. "Your turn to make me forget."
Severus gave a low chuckle. "My pleasure."
Harry held Severus' sketchbook in his lap, this time having asked to pick a drawing himself. He stopped on one dated halfway through his fifth year and sucked in a sharp breath. Somehow, in all their talks, he hadn't seen this drawing yet. It showed Sirius' face, split down the middle by an all-too-familiar lightning bolt shape.
On one side—with a background painted the same shade of green Severus always used for Harry's eyes—Sirius laughed, his left eye crinkled in the expression of humour and joy Harry remembered from years ago. The other side—this on a black background—showed a vicious, snarling Sirius, his right eye full of utter hatred and violence.
It was as apt a rendering as Harry had ever seen of the man's dual nature.
"I drew this after the Christmas hols your fifth year," Severus said in a soft voice. "Do you know I was watching?"
Harry frowned and leaned on Severus' shoulder. "When, love?"
"When Black and Lupin were celebrating with you. I was hiding in the shadows and watching. It … I could not risk showing my weakness, but it hurt me that he was so kind to you and so utterly cruel to me." Severus shook his head. "Looking back, now I do not think he was as kind to you as it appeared. Perhaps, he wanted you to replace the friend he lost and was disappointed when you were not James."
Harry nodded sadly. "Remus and I both said as much to him. That he couldn't use me as a replacement James. To this day, I don't know if he ever loved me or just what he wanted me to be." His eyes stung. "No. Given how he treated me during the curse, I suppose I do know."
Severus rubbed a hand up and down Harry's side. "I do not understand why Black was so cruel to homosexuals. Potter was not homophobic. He did not like me and let me know it often, but once he realised I was notin the running for Lily's affections and only wanted her friendship, his attacks slowed and lost much of their viciousness. In seventh year, when he began dating Lils, he ceased tormenting me altogether. And Lupin had never wanted to attack me at all."
He leaned his head against the headboard, staring at the ceiling. "You know, I don't even think Pettigrew was truly homophobic. He only followed the biggest bully and spouted whatever rubbish they did, the cowardly little rodent. But Black—he was absolutely vicious to me, and I never understood why. What threat did I, a single Slytherin whom even my own house did not support, pose to a popular, well-loved boy such as Black? Merlin, all I wanted to do was study in peace and he could not even let me do that much."
He closed his eyes and shivered. "I know I … I lost control in your third year. I was so livid, I came off as one step away from a madman, but every time I saw him, I remembered what he had done to me. I remembered how cruel he was to me and what we thought he had done to your family and those Muggles. I was absolutely terrified he would get to you. I was terrified he would hurt you. And even if he didn't, I was also terrified he would pass his prejudices and cruelty onto you."
Severus closed his eyes, his posture tense. "Your fifth year was terrible for me as well, because you hated me so much. I thought, with Black's interference, it would never change. Even if we won the war, I feared you would never see me for who I was, or even if you did, you would still hate me for it." Tears slipped down the sides of his face and into his hair.
"Oh, Severus." Harry gently rubbed Severus' tears away. "I had no idea you were so afraid."
Severus shuddered. "Black has always inspired intense fear and hatred within me. I am sorry I was unable to control it."
Harry kissed Severus' temple. "Sev, considering everything he did to hurt you, it's okay. You were afraid and suffering, and he never stopped attacking you. You're forgiven."
Severus hugged Harry tighter and returned his gaze to the drawing in his lap. "I imagine this image is hurting you as well."
Harry nodded, his chest hollow with grief. "Once, I thought him the perfect godfather—a perfect man, really. Everything was black and white then. When I saw his vicious side in your pensieve, it was the first time I realised the world is all shades of grey." He gave a dark laugh. "Did you know I confronted him?"
Severus frowned. "About the assault?"
"Yeah. I couldn't let that slide. Sev, what I saw of it—even just that much was a crime. And … and Da was talking about stripping you the rest of the way when you pulled me out." Harry shuddered. "Did he?"
Severus winced and pulled away, tucking his knees to his chest and shaking hard. Harry Banished the sketchbook to the nightstand and rubbed Severus' back.
"If it's too much, you don't have to tell me. It's okay."
"Black did," Severus said in a whisper. "He r-removed my undergarments. Manually. I tried to kick him, but Pettigrew immobilised me. Then I could only watch. I couldn't even scream. He … he reached for me—like he would t-touch—" He cringed and hugged his knees tighter. "Then his jerked back and he … his face twisted in murderous rage. He reached for me again and might have damaged me if Lupin had not stunned him and kicked him in the head. I have never seen the wolf so furious as I did that day."
Harry scowled. "Left it a bit late though, didn't he?"
Severus laughed bitterly, and Harry ran a gentle hand through Severus' hair.
"Severus, may I hold you?"
Severus gave him a bemused look. "Why would you ask? Of course you may."
Harry flushed as he brought Severus into his arms. "It's just, being an auror has … I've seen things I never wanted to see. Some of the people we saved, they'd been … assaulted. Raped. And many times when a survivor of sexual assault recalls what they went through, the last thing they want is to be touched. So I thought it best to ask, just in case you wanted space."
Severus let go of his knees and laid his head on Harry's shoulder. "Perhaps if he had truly touched me, I would have been uncomfortable, but I am not. I feel safe with you."
Harry tucked Severus' head under his chin and held him close. "You are, Severus." He let out a shaky sigh. "Dear gods. I … he was really fucked up, wasn't he?"
Severus gave a dark laugh. "You are asking me? I am the last person qualified to judge such things."
Harry shushed him with a soft kiss. "You're lovely. Kind and brave and intelligent, and you don't molest innocent boys." He said the last in a voice choked with fury. "Gods, I half wish he'd lived so I could kill the bastard all over again!"
Severus kissed Harry's throat. "You are angry for me."
"Bloody well furious. I love you, Sev. The idea of anyone—especially of someone who should have loved me and respected my choice of partner—touching you like that … fuck no! I'll break the hands off of the person who dares try it, and I won't need a spell."
Severus pressed Harry into the pillows with a passionate kiss. "Mm, my hero."
Harry guided Severus to lie in his embrace instead. "I … I don't know if I can make love right now, Sev. I just … my whole body is screaming with fury and horror and I just … I don't understand it."
Severus nodded and kissed Harry's cheek. "As you wish—I am content to simply be in your company. Tell me what you don't understand, my love."
Harry closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to hold back tears. "I … it's just that I loved that man so much, Severus. He was kind to me. Was being the operative word, but still. When I was young, he was like a big brother. I don't understand—how is it possible that the man who bought me a Firebolt for thirteen years of missed birthdays, the man who hugged me and welcomed me and made sure I was safe, who loved me—how could he have been such … such a monster?"
Severus sighed and turned onto his back. "I have asked myself the same question many nights. To this day, I have yet to find an answer."
Harry let his hand fall and gave Severus a bemused look. "About Sirius?"
"No. Black never showed a kinder sider to me, but I am sure you remember the images of my home life from your Occlumency lessons?"
Harry nodded and turned to rub a hand gently across Severus' breastbone. "Looked pretty similar to mine."
"It was not. Your childhood was worse. My father abused me, yes, but there were also times that he was kind. And Mother never hated me. That is what I meant before. I did not understand how the man who taught me to read, who carried me on his shoulders and boasted about me to all his friends—how could he also condemn me as worthless and beat me until I bled?"
Severus shook his head. "I am forty-four years old, Harry, and I still do not understand. All I can tell you is that, perhaps we all have those extremes in us, but those of us with the ability to temper judgment with love, or even mercy, do not act on their crueller urges. Perhaps people like Black, like my father, like Riddle—perhaps they never learned that ability."
He sighed and held Harry's face. "But I will tell you this: whatever that fragment of Black in your head said, never doubt that the true man loved you. I believe, in time, that love would have overcome his stupidity. Perhaps, if he had lived long enough to see you grow into the man you are now, he would have been a better person."
Harry buried his face in Severus' shoulder. "I don't know, Severus. Even after so long, he never changed towards you. What makes you think he would have changed towards me?"
"I cannot say for certain that he would have. But Black never loved me. He did love you. And that, my Harry, is a force that brings even the worst of humanity to heel."
'A force that brings the worst of humanity to heel?' Harry frowned and held Severus tighter. 'Maybe he was talking about himself, but he's never been the kind of cruel that Sirius was. I don't know if there's anything in the world that can change a man like that.'
His thoughts left him hollow and desolate, and with a sniffle, he laid his head against Severus' shoulder and snuggled in close. The warmth of Severus' arms helped.
Time and distance. Maybe Severus was right. Harry would probably never understand his godfather, but as long as he had Severus to pull him through, he would learn to forgive the man and move on with his life. Someday.
Harry sighed and kissed Severus' chest. "Thank you, Sev."
"Love, these talks are just as healing for me. There is nothing to thank me for."
"Still, I'm glad you're here to help me through this. I might never have talked about any of it if not for you."
Severus stroked Harry's hair. "Perhaps not. You would barely speak of the past before, even after your nightmares." He wrapped his arm around Harry and squeezed him tight. "I am glad I showed you my sketchbook. It has helped us both."
"We should take it with us when I'm able to go to your mind healer sessions with you. If I'm able. Those drawings show the core of you more than words. It would probably help her understand what you need."
Severus gave a wry laugh. "Somehow, I believe she will tell me that you have been the greatest aid to my recovery." He kissed Harry's temple. "I am glad I can repay the favour."
"You're my hero, Severus. Always have been, even when I didn't know it." Harry kissed him lightly and tucked his head under Severus' chin. "Will you just hold me tonight? I don't think I can … but I need to be near you."
"Yes, of course." Severus Summoned the blanket and settled it over them. "Whatever you need, pet. I am yours."
Harry hugged Severus tight and let the warmth of his lover's body—and of his heart—guide him into dreams.
Harry stood at the entrance of Sirius' old bedroom, staring at his belongings and trying to make some sense of the man's bipolar nature. Deep down, he knew Severus had the right of it—that there weren't always clear answers and only time would help him understand—but he couldn't shake the feeling that he had missed something. In their brief time together, he had never seen a hint of the viciousness Sirius had shown during Harry's time under the curse or to Severus in life. There had to be some reason, some explanation for his cruelty.
Harry's heart sunk anew at the thought that, in all likelihood, there probably wasn't a clear-cut reason, and even if one existed, he might never find it now that the man was dead and gone. Still, it might help to look, if only to convince himself that he had truly done all he could. At least then he could move on with a clear conscience.
"All right, you stroppy bastard," Harry muttered to himself. "We found your brother's stash—and if we ever get his portrait working, I'll have to take him to task about the fact that he didn't just bloody tell me where the damn thing was. For now though, let's just see what you're hiding."
Harry set to work with fierce determination steeling his resolve. Thinking that Sirius might have known of Regulus' stash and borrowed from his idea, he started at the floor, but upon finding no loose boards, began working his way up. The space between Sirius' mattress and bedspring yielded nothing but yet another porn mag featuring busty ladies and dog-eared corners.
Harry shuddered and tossed the mag back where he'd found it.
"Merlin, Sirius. Didn't want anyone to doubt what lights your wand, did you?"
With a sad shake of his head, Harry dropped the mattress and moved on. He started at the top of Sirius' dresser and worked his way down, finding nothing of interest. He assumed if there had been anything interesting there once, most likely the Order would have found and removed it by now. There was nothing behind or under the dresser either.
Frustration bubbling like acid in his chest, Harry moved on to the walls, but a visual scan, several revealing spells, and even a manual examination yielded nothing. He checked the burned out tapestry, but it refused to budge no matter what he tried. Damn permanent sticking charms.
Harry sighed and flopped onto the bed, his eyes drifting to the pictures of bikini-clad women Sirius had tacked up on the wall opposite. Those had sticking charms on them too, or no doubt Molly or Mrs. Black would have torn them down and ripped them to pieces long before now.
He turned away and his eyes landed on a coat of arms on the wall behind the bedroom door. A Black coat of arms. How strange to find it in a room of someone who had so thoroughly eschewed his family.
Strange, and potentially convenient.
If one had wanted to hide something in a house of pureblood bigot Blacks, a hidden space behind the coat of arms would be a great way to do it. Neither Molly nor the Blacks would have paid it any mind.
Harry moved to the small shield, eyes narrowed and heart pounding. He'd found it. Something in him knew he'd found it. Hands shaking, he tugged at the coat of arms, but only a small clicking sound met his ears—the sign of a tripped password charm.
"Toujours pur." He pulled half-heartedly, but hadn't actually expected that to work.
With a deep breath to brace himself, he whispered to the shield, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."
Another click, and the shield swung towards him, revealing a small cache of magazines and a Muggle notebook.
"Hah! You might have been able to hide this from my fifteen year old self, Siri, but not the auror captain me." With a triumphant smirk, he took the notebook first and flipped through it, stunned to find it full of his godfather's writing and the occasional doodle.
"A journal! Jackpot."
Grinning, Harry sent it to the bed to look at later and took out a magazine. He shouldn't have been surprised to discover it was yet another pornographic publication. What did surprise him was the stark lack of ample bosoms—and females in general.
"Holy shite. Sirius Black, homophobe extraordinaire, has gay porn mags?"
Harry reeled as he looked through the stack and … dear gods, they were all the same. Magazine after magazine of shapely wizards, each one more dog-eared than the mag he had discovered under Sirius' mattress.
"Well, well, well. Looks like you had some secrets of your own, eh, Padfoot?"
Harry suppressed a surge of grief and betrayal—bloody hypocrite!—and lifted the stack up to make sure there was nothing hidden underneath. Ah, yes, there was a slip of parchment. He took it out and his eyes boggled.
"Is this … no! I can't believe it. What in the world is this doing in here?"
It was the missing page out of the Half-Blood Prince's textbook, the one that had driven him mad back in sixth year. Harry could have recognised the handwriting blindfolded, and Severus' artistic technique too. The parchment held the last line of the poem he'd always wanted to finish—I will not go gentle into this dark night—and a technical drawing of a Christmas rose. A lovely drawing for all its scientific accuracy.
He frowned and cradled the parchment close to his chest, cold prickles creeping up his spine. It was a beautiful drawing and, combined with such a powerful line of poetry, it perfectly illustrated Severus' character—hard without and soft and beautiful within—but what on earth was this drawing doing in Sirius' secret stash? And hidden under a stack of gay porn, no less!
Merlin. This just kept getting stranger by the moment.
He swept his hand under the mags one more time to check for anything he might have missed and discovered a Polaroid photo. He pulled it out and gasped. It was a wizarding photo of Snape's profile, most likely taken during Harry's fourth or fifth year, judging by the lines around Severus' eyes. Harry almost dropped it in his shock.
"What the fuck kind of alternate dimension have I stumbled into?"
At the sound of Harry's voice, the photo version of Severus looked up with a glare, then reeled back at the sight of him.
"H-hi, Severus." Harry shook his head in utter confusion. "Merlin, this is so strange."
The photo-Severus raised an eyebrow at him.
"Right. Of course it is." Harry took a deep breath and tried to clear his head. "Sorry about that. So, first of all, you should know the war has been over for five years. And second, I'm your fiancé now, so there's no need to pretend to hate me. I know the truth about you, love."
The photo Severus stared at him, gobsmacked, then tears filled his eyes.
"Oh, shite! Sev, please. I'm not—it's real, I swear. I'd never hurt you like that, honest."
Severus blinked hard and nodded, giving him a hesitant smile.
"Oh." Harry smiled back. "You were just overcome?"
Photo-Severus nodded again.
"Ah. Well, it's okay now. I'm yours. Well, your human self. I just … gods, I'm utterly gobsmacked here. You're in Sirius' secret stash, for Merlin's sake. I don't get it." He sighed and carried the photo to the bed, setting the journal down beside it. "Do you know anything?"
Severus fixed him with a wry look, and Harry laughed at himself.
"I've lost my bloody mind. You can't talk to me. Well, not much." He sighed. "I guess I should explain how I found you first anyway." He ruffled his hair in frustration and took a deep breath. "Okay. So I came in here searching for answers and eventually found Sirius' cubbyhole."
Photo-Severus mouthed, "Why you?"
Harry gave a nervous laugh. "Well, because Sirius has been dead for six years."
The look of relief on Severus' face startled Harry.
"Merlin, Severus! I know you hate the man, but you're really glad he's dead?"
Photo-Severus looked away, his expression pained.
Harry's stomach jolted. Oh gods. He knew that expression—one of combined shame, anger, and hurt. He saw it every time Severus talked about the nightmarish incident after his OWLs. The implications of that left Harry hollow and sick.
Sirius must have done something terrible to the photo.
Harry swallowed hard and held the photo closer. "Sev? Are you … okay?"
Severus looked back at him and shook his head slowly. Harry winced.
"Can you communicate what happened at all?"
The photo shook his head again, his eyes sad.
"So I'm to guess if I want answers." He shook his head wryly. "You know, this would be a hell of a lot easier if photos could do magic. Then you could just use our Legilimentic link."
Severus' eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open.
Harry gave him a wry smile. "Yeah, that's about the reaction you gave me when we first learned of it. You were injured during the war. It hurt your voice, and so that was the only option you had if you wanted to talk. We use it all the time now, mostly to communicate what we don't want others to hear."
Photo-Severus paled and tapped his throat, his expression questioning. Harry understood easily enough.
"Oh no, you were healed—your voice was anyway—within a few days. It's fine now." Harry smirked. "Actually, your voice is one of the sexiest things about you."
Severus blushed and jerked back, eyes wide and hands folded protectively over his chest.
"Oh Merlin. I'm sorry, love. Guess I overwhelmed you a bit, hmm?"
Photo-Severus shook himself and gave Harry the same shy smile he remembered the first time he had called Severus by the pet name. He remembered the man's objections to it, too.
"Yes, Severus. I love you."
The man in the photo closed his eyes and covered his face with a shaking hand.
"Ssh. It's okay. You won't have to be closed up in that dark hole any longer."
Severus lowered his hand and gave Harry a grateful smile.
Harry sighed. "Sev, it's going to be okay now, but I really do need your help figuring some things out. If you can just nod or shake your head, maybe you can help me?"
Severus nodded.
"Okay. Well, I'll just tell you more about what I came in here for to start with. I was looking for answers on Sirius' behaviour towards us. You see, several weeks ago, I got hit by a soul curse out on a raid—er, I'm an auror captain now. Anyway, it wouldn't have affected me usually. But since Sirius adopted me into the Black bloodline and you and I are half-souled—"
Severus' jaw dropped.
Harry flushed. "Er … long story, but it's true. I'd have long since gone entirely mad had we not learned your touch—our love, really—is defeating the curse. Since our souls are sealing the tear with every step we take closer to each other, the curse is slowly losing a foothold as our relationship grows. By the time we're bonded, I'll be free of it entirely."
Severus gave him a pained look and lowered his head.
"I … what's wrong?"
Severus smiled at Harry, but it was sad, resigned. Pain and insecurities flickered in his dark eyes before he hid the emotions away, and Harry's heart thumped.
"Oh, I think I understand. You think I'm only bonding to you because of the curse?"
Severus glared.
Harry blew him an air kiss. "It's not like that at all. You and I have been completely in love with each other for five years. We just didn't realise it until recently."
Severus' eyes filled with hope and a tentative smile curved the corners of his mouth.
"Yes, love. Our relationship is real, not just a cure. You've been my best friend and my confidant ever since the end of the war. And now you're my partner too. I'm really happy with you, and I think you're happy with me, too."
Severus' voice murmured from the entryway, "I am, love. Totally enamoured of you."
Harry jumped. "Shite, Sev! I know you're a spy and all but … make a noise or something when you walk. Worse than a bloody cat."
Severus chuckled and sat beside his partner. "I shall consider getting a bell."
Harry gave him a wicked look. "You're going to wear a collar for me?"
"Don't push your luck."
Harry laughed. "How'd you know I was up here?"
"I heard you talking, naturally. And when I realised you weren't at the floo, it frightened me. I thought your curse had returned."
Harry gave him a sheepish look. "No, just telling your photo here that we're in love."
Severus frowned. "It is an odd feeling to be jealous of oneself."
Harry snorted. "Whoops." He kissed Severus softly. "Nothing to be jealous over. I just wanted him to know he's not alone." He hummed. "Maybe we could take a photo of myself to keep him company?"
"Ah, I believe he likes the idea." Severus nodded to the photo. Photo-Severus was smiling, hope and joy written all over his face.
Harry's heart warmed. "You really are beautiful when you smile, Sev."
The real Severus nuzzled Harry's neck and wrapped an arm around his partner's waist. "Only when I smile, hmm?"
"Hush, you. You know I think you're gorgeous."
Severus kissed Harry's ear lightly. "Hmm. I think you need new spectacles. But may I ask what precisely you are doing up here? And where did you find that photo of me? I do not remember posing for it."
Harry frowned. "That's what's so strange, Severus. I came up here looking for answers about why Sirius was so different with me and why he turned on me."
Photo-Severus paled and mouthed, "Turned on you?"
Harry gave him a sad smile. "Yeah. The curse I mentioned forced me to hear the voices of every dead Black for five centuries back. As soon as Sirius realised I was in love with you, he turned vicious. He started attacking me, not just for loving you, but for being gay." He lowered his head and swallowed a wave of grief. "It … it still really hurts, so I was up here trying to find some kind of explanation."
Severus stroked Harry's hair. "You do realise that finding an answer when he has been dead so long …?"
Harry gave him a sad smile. "I know. I had to try anyway." He frowned. "And I did find some things. I found that niche behind the coat of arms."
Severus' eyebrow shot up. "That was password-protected. You guessed it?"
Harry chuckled wryly. "I should have known you'd have found it first. And yes, it wasn't too hard if you knew Sirius. It was the password to the Marauders' Map. I told you about it, remember?"
Severus nodded. "And this photo was in the niche?"
"Yes, along with a journal and … and a giant stack of gay porn, the hypocrite."
Severus blanched. "Wait, wait just a moment. Your extremely homophobic godfather kept a journal, a stack of homosexual pornography, and my photo in the same hiding place?"
"Yeah. And this." Harry held up the scrap of parchment with Severus' rose drawing. "He nicked it out of your sixth year potions text, but what I don't understand is why."
Severus clutched at the parchment and reeled. "Oh sweet Merlin. Surely not. I must be mistaken."
Harry looked between his appalled partner and the pained grimace on the photo Severus' face and knew he had missed something vital.
"Um … Sev?"
Severus plucked the photo out of Harry's fingers and waved a shaky hand towards the journal. "Read it. Pick something from either the time I worked in Grimmauld Place with the Order or from our school years, should the journal go that far back. Look for my name."
Harry frowned. "O-okay, but are you all right?"
"If what I suspect is true …."
Severus' photo nodded grimly.
The real Severus winced. "Then I am most definitely not."
Harry slipped his hand into Severus'. "Then I don't care about his journal. What can I do to help?"
"Read the damn journal, Harry. I can't—can't even bring myself to—" Severus doubled over and turned faintly green. "Just read it."
"A-all right, I guess." Bemused, Harry took the journal and flipped through the pages, searching for dates. He watched his godfather's handwriting develop from childish scrawl to a more mature hand, and chased his progress to his adolescence.
There. He had caught sight of Severus' name in a later entry. Harry checked the date—17 March, 1979. So it was from Severus' last term at Hogwarts.
"Found something, I think."
"Read it aloud."
"A-all right." Harry squashed a prickle of foreboding and cleared his throat. "Snape, damn him. Gods, what is wrong with me? I've all these gorgeous girls all around me and all I can think about is him. Why him of all people? I can't stand it any longer."
Harry reeled and gasped. "No. Wait a minute, that can't be—can it?"
Severus' expression was grim. "Keep reading."
Harry forced himself to obey. "I'm going to fix it tonight. Maybe if Moony messes up his face—" He cried out in horror. "What the fuck? He wanted to … to tear up your face?"
"Apparently breaking my nose in fourth year was not enough," Severus whispered.
"Oh dear gods." Harry stared at the journal, stomach churning, heart pounding. "I don't understand. Why? What in Merlin's name could hurting your face possibly be in aid of?"
Severus tapped the page, and Harry gulped. He would only find the answer in Sirius' journal, but he was no longer sure he wanted it. Already, he regretted ever coming in here today.
"Go on, Harry. I am not sure I can speak of it."
The shaky tone of Severus' voice made Harry's chest pang. He slipped his hand into his fiancé's and, propping the journal open on his knee, Harry read on.
"M-maybe if Moony messes up his face, I'll be able to stop looking at him." His breath hitched. "No. It … it's not … it's not true. I …."
Severus let go of Harry's hand and wrapped his arm around the younger man's waist instead. Harry only realised Severus was trembling when their sides touched.
Shaken to his core, Harry steeled his courage and forced his voice to work around the bile creeping up his throat.
"After I lead him to the Shack tonight, he won't look so—no! I won't say it. I won't! I'm not like that. I'm not abnormal. It's him—he's poisoned me. He's enthralled me or something. It must be that. Some dark spell—I'd never look at a man like this otherwise."
Harry stifled a sob and choked out the rest of the entry. "Well, after tonight, it won't matter. It'll all be over. A couple of moments with Moony will fix this infatuation with Snape. I'm sure of it."
He threw the book away from him with a cry of disgust. He was shaking with horror, reeling with disbelief, and sick with the realisation that his godfather had been even madder than he'd thought. At the same time, pieces that hadn't fit before began to fall into place. So this was why Sirius had maintained such an unreasonable level of hatred for Severus all these years. Why he hated Harry.
"Oh my gods, Severus! He was in love with you!"
Severus scowled in disgust. "I think obsessed is a better term. Infatuated, perhaps. Nothing about what that demon felt for me remotely resembled love. Certainly nothing like what you have shown me, Harry. In the few moments since you have found my photo, you have shown him more love than Black did in the entire course of the twenty-four years I knew him."
Photo-Severus nodded vehemently.
Harry dropped his head into his hands. "Sweet mother of Merlin."
"That about sums it up." Severus shuddered and held Harry tight.
Harry was a wreck. Severus had half carried him to their bedroom, levitating the journal and the rose drawing behind him. Harry cradled Severus' photo to his chest, his heart panging with the realisation that Sirius had likely used it for nefarious purposes.
No wonder photo-Severus had said he wasn't okay.
With a sniffle, Harry vowed he would be from now on. He conjured a frame for the photo and set it on his nightstand, tucking the rose drawing underneath. "You'll be safe here, okay? No one will ever hurt you again."
Severus' likeness gave Harry a grateful smile and blew him an air kiss. The real Severus raised an eyebrow and shook his head as if unsure how to react.
Harry laughed weakly. "Oh, Sev. Come on. There's nothing to worry about. You know I love you."
"Hmm. The feeling is mutual." Severus motioned to the journal. "What do we do with this?"
Harry cringed. "Burn it for all I care."
"You may regret that decision later, when time has cooled your anger and grief. While I have no doubt there are further horrifying entries about myself—I shudder to think of what he may have written after the OWLs—there are also likely entries about your parents and Lupin."
"Not worth it," Harry said with a cringe. "I can hear stories of them from other people. It's not worth it."
"You may change your mind later."
"Fine." Harry took the journal from him and scowled at the cover. "How I ever looked up to this tosser is a mystery." He snarled and tossed the vile book into the back of his closet. It could stay there forever for all Harry cared.
With a sigh, Severus levitated the journal onto the highest shelf and closed the closet door. "There, now it is not likely to draw undue notice." He turned back towards Harry and gave him a searching look. "Harry, are you well?"
With a strangled sound halfway between a laugh and a sob, Harry collapsed onto the bed and buried his face in the pillows. "No. Gods, no."
Severus' hand stroked through his hair. "I am here." He kissed Harry's head and a brush of magic rushed over the younger man's body.
Harry looked down to realise Severus had removed his partner's trainers and denims and was in the process of setting his shoes by the door. A second wandless spell removed Severus' lab smock and trousers, leaving him in a white dress shirt, navy-blue pants, and black socks.
A sudden movement drew Harry's attention to the nightstand. Photo-Severus had turned his face away. He was blushing and trying not to look at Harry, while at the same time sneaking quick glances at his legs.
Harry gave him a wry smile. "Merlin, it's okay to look, Sev. You're my fiancé."
The real Severus gave him a bemused frown, but shook his head as his eyes fell on the photo and its furiously blushing occupant. "I reiterate that it is odd to feel jealous of oneself." He lay beside Harry and wrapped him in a loose hug.
Harry laughed in spite of himself. "You're the only one for me. And since he's you, I love him too. If that makes any sense."
Severus scowled. "I am going to pick up a couple of frames and a camera while I am out shopping for rings tomorrow. He may have a Harry of his own, not mine."
Harry chuckled into Severus' neck, but his mirth faded fast. "Sev, I can't believe this. I … it really hurts."
"I know, love. I am quite shaken myself. I never imagined—of all the strange emotions I believed Black might have harboured towards me, I confess, I never dreamed attraction to be chief among them." Severus cringed. "I fear what Black may have done to my photo."
Harry gagged. "Oh gods."
Severus buried his face in Harry's shoulder—he was shaking hard, and no wonder. Harry would be disturbed in his place too.
"Well, it mightn't be as bad as we think," Harry tried to soothe him. "Given how much Sirius hated his attraction to you and the wear and tear on his magazines, maybe he didn't use the picture for that." Harry frowned and turned to face the photo. "Er, d-did he?"
Severus looked to the photo too. Photo-Severus grimaced and looked away.
Bile crept into Harry's throat. "Oh dear gods."
Photo-Severus flinched and flushed.
"Ssh," Harry soothed. "It's not your fault. It's okay. It's over now. You're safe."
The man slowly turned his face back around, eyes full of shame and fear.
"No, pet. I don't blame you. It's all right."
"Merlin help me," the real Severus murmured in a small, distant voice.
Harry whipped around and held Severus tight. "Gods, you poor man. Are you okay?"
Severus shuddered. "I am … more than a little unsettled."
Harry kissed Severus' forehead. "I won't let anyone hurt you. I love you."
Severus relaxed a fraction and clutched Harry's waist. "As I love you. I am simply in shock. It is … disturbing, especially considering how cruel he was to me."
"It's disturbing for me too." Harry snarled. "Merlin, it's not even just how terrible he was to you—horrifying as it was—I can't believe what he wrote about Moony, his supposed best friend! He was willing to hurt you both just because he couldn't face up to his feelings. He might have gotten all three of you killed just because he couldn't deal with his sexuality! Maybe Dad, too." As Harry cradled Severus' cheeks in loving hands, tears stung his eyelids. "And he wanted to hurt your face—your beautiful face. I can't …."
Severus tucked Harry's hair behind his ear. "There now. He did not manage it, thank Merlin."
Harry nodded and struggled to control his sniffles. "M'sorry."
"Ssh. I think, if I were not so shocked, I might weep as well. It is traumatising." Severus frowned. "Merlin, my disgust must hurt considering he is your family." He shook his head. "To clarify, it is not so much that he cared for me, but the manner in which he acted on his feelings that has horrified me. I am sorry if my revulsion hurts you."
"I'm just as horrified, Severus. It's okay. You can't help how you feel and you have a right to be disgusted. It's … frankly, that journal entry was appalling."
Severus rubbed a shaky hand down Harry's side. "It was indeed." He shook his head and nudged Harry to lie with his head on Severus' chest. "I am sorry, pet. Had I realised that entry would be that disturbing, I am not sure I would have encouraged you to read it."
Harry nodded and buried his face in Severus' chest.
"Tell me what is going through your mind, Harry."
Harry buried his face in Severus' shoulder and murmured into his chest. "I loved him. He was my world for years, even for a while after his death, but the whole time there was this secret obsessive side he never let me see, this dark nature to him. And then, if that wasn't bad enough, he was willing to let us all burn to fuel his denial. It's horrifying. He despised all the good parts of himself and by it, turned himself into an utter disaster of a human being."
Severus cringed. "You call his obsession with me a good thing?"
"No. Not at all. But if he hadn't hated himself so thoroughly, it might have been love and not obsession."
Severus gave him an incredulous look.
Harry smiled sadly. "Well, maybe not, but then, look at us. You spent years pretending to hate me. I could have chosen to remember that when you were dying in my arms that night in the Shack, I could have focused on the hate and the negative aspects of our relationship, but instead, your apology, the way you touched me, it changed me forever."
He shook his head. "I suppose it's not exactly the same, but I guess what I'm saying is that all it took was remorse, forgiveness, and a bit of faith for us to change something terrible into love. Sirius could have done it too. But he never tried, he never accepted himself as he was, and because of it, he … warped himself and hurt us all."
Severus brushed his hand through Harry's hair. "I find I prefer that he did not accept his nature. Not because I wished you to be harmed, but I do not think I could have forgiven the man even if he had tried to make amends, not with the degree of abuse he subjected me to for the entire duration of our acquaintance. And if somehow, I had been able to look past his cruelty and trust him, even if he had turned into a decent man down the line, I would not have you."
"Yeah." Harry kissed Severus lightly. "I guess we would never have fallen in love then."
Severus traced a hand down Harry's cheek. "Most likely not. And this, Harry, I do not think I could find a love like this if I searched the world over." He shook his head. "No, I am content. Having you is worth everything I endured. I would go through it again if—"
"Ssh. Don't even think that. I'm neverletting anyone near you again, not to hurt you anyway, and damn sure not to steal you away." Harry glared. "You're mine now."
Severus laughed and hugged Harry tight. "Yours. As you are mine." He kissed Harry's forehead. "Harry, I know it hurts now, but we will move on from this. At least now we know it was nothing we had done—the problem was in himself."
Harry gave Severus a sad smile. "Yeah. I just wish … I wish I'd known what he was doing to himself. Maybe if I'd talked to him back then—" He winced. "No. Sirius would have just ignored me or cut me off, wouldn't he?"
"He may have done worse." Severus shuddered. "I would not want you to suffer the same fate I did at his hands."
Harry cringed and tucked his head under Severus' chin. "I know you're right, but it still hurts."
"I imagine it will for some time. But …." Severus tipped Harry's head back up to meet his eyes. "You have good memories and bad memories of Sirius Black. Cherish the good ones, and forgive him for the bad. There was something broken within him." He smiled wryly. "After this, I think even I will be able to forgive him someday."
Harry gaped. "Really? After all this time?"
"Knowing what he was doing to himself—and the knowledge that he had feelings for me, however twisted—I … it has changed my opinion. Where before I felt only rage and betrayal, now there is also a healthy dose of pity mixed in. It seems … foolish to hold a grudge against such an ill person."
A tight knot of anguish that had clawed at Harry's chest since the day Sirius had first turned on him released.
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. He was sick. There's no point in hating him for it, especially since there's nothing he can do to hurt us any longer." Harry gave Severus a wry smile. "I never imagined I'd be thanking you for wisdom concerning Sirius Black—"
Severus snorted.
Harry grinned back. "—But thank you, love. I think … I'll be all right now. Will you be okay?"
Severus shrugged. "However much it might have disturbed me when the man was alive, he is gone now. What can he do to me from beyond the veil?" He kissed Harry and smiled. "I would much rather focus on us, pet, rather than wasting energy on things that never came to pass and never will."
Harry nodded. "Good philosophy."
Severus chuckled. "Albus was good for something then."
Harry grinned. "Something other than lemon drops and blinding the student population with his fashion sense, you mean?"
"Precisely."
Harry laughed and snuggled closer. "We … we're going to be okay, right, Sev?"
Severus kissed Harry tenderly. "We are going to be wonderful. We are going to let this go, continue to work on our healing together, and be stronger for everything we have endured at each other's side."
Harry blinked back tears of relief and love. "Yeah. You're right. It's going to be fine."
"It will indeed. Assuming I can ever find rings that are worth the money."
Harry chuckled. "You will. I have faith in you." He hugged Severus tight. "Thank you."
"Mm, there is nothing to thank me for. Now, what do you say we get dressed again and start lunch together? Perhaps we can eat on the lawn and make it into a picnic."
"Whoever said you weren't a romantic was a bloody idiot." Harry kissed him and sat. "I'm not sure I can eat though, love. Everything is so … twisted inside."
Severus held him close. "I know. We should at least attempt it, but I will not hold it against you if you are unable to eat. I am not sure I can stomach anything either." He shook his head. "Perhaps we will simply pack some fruit and tea and enjoy the sun."
"Now that sounds lovely, Sev. Just the thing to heal."
Severus stood and stepped into his trousers. "That is the idea, love."
Harry chuckled. "Well, what are we waiting for then?"
"We are waiting for a certain dunderhead to dress. Romantic I may be, but I am not an exhibitionist."
Harry laughed and Summoned his denims.
