Warnings: Ritual séance stuff, talking about death and torture and blood.

Summary: Severus and Harry talk about their future and the darkest parts of Severus' past. They soon find out a ritual séance involving the Master of Death is a bit more … intense than they had expected.

Notes: I have to write the last two chapters and inspiration has been running slow. This story turned out much fluffier than I intended and that's making it a tough go towards the end. I'm almost there though.


CHAPTER 15

Shades of Forgiveness

Severus stared at Jasper's newest array of bonding rings with a sense of disquiet distracting him from his purpose. What was wrong with him? He didn't think it was lingering upset about their disturbing find in Black's room yesterday—he did not feel appalled or queasy any longer, only unsettled.

Why? He was two weeks away from bonding with the love of his life and, unbelievably, Harry was just as ecstatic about their upcoming union as Severus was. He should have been delirious with happiness, but something felt … wrong. Something cold and heavy weighed on his chest even as he tried to choose a suitable ring design.

Frowning, Severus analysed his feelings, attempting to approach the situation rationally. What precisely was he feeling? Was there a problem with his relationship with Harry? He couldn't think of one. They didn't argue much, and when they did, they talked out their problems and soothed any lingering hurts with love. And they did love each other.

So what was that cold emptiness inside, like ghostly fingers twisting his guts into a macabre sailor's knot?

No, wait. He knew that feeling. Knew it damn well as he had carried it around like a pet for forty years.

Guilt. Again.

Severus laid aside a ring with a herringbone design and sighed. What had he done to feel such remorse? It would take time to heal completely from his past, of course—Severus knew that all too well—but this raw, heavy guilt seemed out of place given his recent progress. Was it simply lingering feelings he had yet to conquer, or was there something more going on?

He passed over a tungsten ring and looked at one with fire around the edges. Fire like a phoenix. It tempted him for a moment, but the thought of comparisons to teenagers on motorbikes made him shudder. No, not that one.

What was causing his guilt? He could think of nothing. He had worked through his darkness—set aside his painful memories of Harry, of Albus, of Black, Lupin, his parents and Harry's—every possible person he had reason to regret ….

His heart stilled, and he dropped an emerald ring back in the case. No. There was yet one person he had yet to speak of: the one person whose loss cut him deeper than Lily's.

Sarah Elizabeth Michaels. Her name still jerked him out of sleep in a cold sweat. Merlin, he could not bond with Harry until he confessed the truth of her. Of all his sins, of all his failures, she was the worst.

And Severus could not face his bonding day without also facing her death. Only when he had laid his soul bare to his soulmate and received absolution—or not—could he marry his love without regrets.

With a shudder, he laid the rings aside. "I am sorry, Mister Jasper. I see nothing of interest here. I will return next week."

Jasper tapped the counter with a sigh. "If I may make a suggestion, Master Snape?"

Severus jumped. "Y-yes?"

Jasper hesitated, clearly unnerved to see the inscrutable man so affected. "Ah, are you well, sir?"

Severus cleared his throat and forced his wild emotions behind his shields. "Yes, yes. I only thought of something I forgot to discuss with my fiancé. It worried me for a moment, but I am well. What was your suggestion?"

Jasper frowned. "If you're quite sure you're all right?"

"Yes, yes," Severus snapped. "What is it, Mister Jasper?"

"Ah. No need to be so short, sir." Jasper Banished the ring display back into its proper case. "It is only that you have been here four times in search of rings for your bondmate and yourself and are continually dissatisfied. I had thought to suggest that, since it seems what you are looking for is not readily available, perhaps you might prefer to have your rings custom made."

Severus tilted his head, considering. "Hmm. Yes, that might be best. What is the cost?"

"It depends greatly on what materials you decide to use, but the fee for the design itself is thirty galleons, unless the design is inordinately complex. We also offer a warding service that, if you choose to utilise it, costs another thirty galleons—again, unless you wish for something out of the common."

Severus hummed in thought. "I do not imagine we will need a design of more complexity than your fee would cover, but protecting the Chosen One is a particularly complex undertaking, I am afraid. Who does the warding?"

Jasper gave him a wry smile. "Not me, to be sure. We have a contract with Gringotts. They have specially trained warders and curse breakers apply the charms. I believe Professor Flitwick helps with them from time to time, as does the eldest Weasley boy."

"Acceptable. What is the cost for the best protection you can offer and what does it entail?"

Jasper whistled. "For that, you'd need to actually speak to a goblin. We've never had a need for extensive charms." He tugged on the end of his prodigious moustache. "If I may, I suggest you return to your fiancé and discuss what kind of rings you want and what wards you would like added. Return next week at this same time, and I will have a goblin here ready to discuss the particulars with you."

Severus nodded. "That will do nicely. Thank you for your assistance."

Jasper nodded. "It's an honour to serve the men who gave their lives for Britain." He frowned. "You know what, I'll add the extra wards for our usual fee, so long as it doesn't run me into the red. It's the least I can do, after all you gave for us."

Severus flushed. "I … I cannot—"

"Oh, tosh. It's nothing, really. Consider it a bonding gift, if it truly bothers you."

Severus gave him a hesitant smile. "If you are sure?"

"Positive."

Severus bowed. "I gratefully accept your gift, on behalf of my future husband as well, sir. Thank you, from our house to yours."

Jasper returned the bow and shook Severus' hand. "It's a deal. I'll set aside next Saturday afternoon at three for your rings then, if that's all right with you?"

"That is acceptable. Thank you. And now I really must return home."

"Say hello to Harry for me."

Severus nodded and left the shop. When he arrived at Grimmauld Place, Harry's laughter drifted to him from the back lawn. Teddy giggled and squealed immediately afterward, making Severus smile. He might not have liked the werewolf after his inaction during their schoolyears, but Lupin's son was a sweet little one he couldn't help but love. Harry adored him too.

As he unlocked the door and reset the wards, he wondered if Harry would like to adopt the little boy. They both loved him, and he was sure Harry wouldn't mind to have him around on a more permanent basis.

Then again, perhaps Andromeda mightn't want to let him go. Teddy was the last link to her family she had left, after all. Severus would not wish to deprive her of whatever joy she could find in her grandson when she had lost so much.

Did Harry even want children? It worried Severus that they were so close to bonding and he did not know the answer to such a basic question.

His heart troubled, Severus hugged his waist and watched his fiancé play with the boy. Gods help him, he would be devastated if Harry didn't want children. Severus had been alone so long. He yearned for children to love, to raise in a happy, nurturing home. He had dreamed of giving his family a better life for years, to make up for the lack of love he had experienced.

But if Harry did not want a family, then Severus would have to let that dream go. Merlin, it would hurt when he had cherished that secret hope for so long.

Still, Severus loved Harry and if the man wanted to keep their family to just the two of them and occasional visits from Teddy, well, he would be content. Just having Harry's love was a miracle in and of itself. That alone was more than Severus had ever expected to find, and more than enough to sustain him should he need to let his dreams of family go. He would just have to be content with Teddy's visits and shower the little orphan with love.

Even so, he couldn't help but hope for more. Did Harry have similar dreams? He did seem to enjoy keeping the tyke company.

Severus supposed it wouldn't hurt to ask, as long as he didn't go into the conversation with expectations.

As he neared the door to the back lawn, whispered voices and scuffling from what he had thought to be a closed-off room drew his attention. He followed the sounds to an empty drawing room, an area full of dust and old furniture covered in sheets. Draco and Hermione stood in the middle of the room with an ancient book, heads bent together over its pages and muttering excitedly to one another.

"Good afternoon, Miss Granger, Draco." They jumped, and Severus took unholy delight in watching them knock their heads together.

"Merlin, Severus," Draco grumbled, rubbing his forehead. "Mightn't you give us a bit of warning next time? I swear, your feet must have cat pads on them."

"Why is everyone so insistent that I am part feline?" Severus gave a wry chuckle. "I am fully human, thank you, only trained as a spy. Might I ask what the two of you are doing in the broken parlour? I thought Harry had closed this room off."

Hermione blushed. "Er, he did. But because of that, we thought it would be a great place to put the … secret room for his wedding. He'll never think to look in here, so we can set up any kind of magic we need and he'll never be the wiser."

Severus smiled. "Good work. I will leave you to it then, before he becomes suspicious as to why I did not immediately come to him."

Draco frowned. "Er, how would he know you're here?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "He will have heard me apparate. I will speak to you later, unless you need my assistance?"

Hermione waved him off. "We've got it. Go to your man."

"Very well."

Severus left the young lovers to their planning and joined Harry and Teddy on the back lawn. Teddy stood near the door with his hands over his eyes, counting out loud.

"Seven, eight, nine, here I come!"

Severus chuckled and moved to the young metamorphagus, ruffling the boy's blue hair. "Hello, Teddy. Are you looking for Harry?"

"Yeah! We're playing hide and go seek." He scowled. "But Uncle Harry always wins."

"Hmm." Severus rubbed his chin as if seriously considering the problem. "Yes, I see what you mean. It doesn't seem quite fair pitting an auror captain against a young boy." He knelt down and said in a stage whisper, "But perhaps with a spy on your side, we might even the odds?"

Teddy grinned. "Let's do it!"

Severus chuckled. "Right. Well the first thing you do is look around your environment. Do you see anything suspicious?"

Teddy scanned the lawn, his eyes—brown today—narrowed with concentration. "Um, I don't think so. Do you, Uncle Severus?"

Warmth flooded Severus' heart. "Uncle?"

"Well, you're going to marry Uncle Harry, aren't you? Won't you be my uncle too?"

"Ah, Harry and I are bonding. It is not quite the same as a Muggle marriage, and it is still illegal for two men to marry in the Muggle fashion at any rate."

Teddy scowled. "That's not fair."

"No, I don't believe it is fair either, but there is nothing I can do about it."

Teddy sighed. "So I can't call you Uncle, then?"

Severus patted his head. "On the contrary, I would love to be your uncle, Teddy. I think it would make your father quite happy too."

The wolf would probably laugh himself sick if he knew. Well, when his soul healed, at any rate. Severus suspected the part trapped in Harry was too small to let his grief go. Once the curse ended, perhaps Lupin could take joy in watching over his son from beyond the veil. Severus hoped so, at any rate.

Teddy beamed. "Brilliant! So … um, how do I find Uncle Harry then?"

Severus tapped his ear. "Listen. Do you hear that?"

Teddy scrunched up his nose. A moment later, his ears had grown to the size of dustbins, making Severus chuckle.

"That is a handsome look, young man."

Teddy grinned. "I can hear better too!" He stuck out his tongue in concentration and wiggled his ears, and Severus was hard-pressed not to snort.

"There!" Teddy pointed to the tool shed. "I think he's laughing at us."

Severus smirked. "Well, we shall have the last laugh, I think. Let's go look."

Teddy grinned. "Okay! Oh, but ssh. We've got to be quiet."

Severus nodded gravely and pressed a finger to his lips, struggling to keep his mirth from showing on his face. Teddy crept on tiptoes ahead of Severus and shifted his colouring to all brown and green. Merlin, the boy had certainly inherited his mother's talent for camouflage. Severus followed the child around the shed with all the stealth he possessed, and around the other side, they found Harry with his hands pressed over his face to stifle his laughter.

"Gotcha, Uncle Harry!"

Harry let loose a full-bodied laugh that melted Severus' insides. "You sure did, Teddy-cub. Now it's my turn to find you." He gave Severus a mischievous grin. "Are you going to help me, Sev?"

"Don't you think that's an unfair advantage?" Severus smirked. "No, I believe I will give you a run for your money, Captain Potter. Let us see how an auror does against a spy, hmm?"

Harry grimaced. "I have to find you? We'll be here all day!"

Severus chuckled. "Consider it training." He leaned down to Teddy. "He'll never catch us now."

Teddy grinned. "I'm going to win this time!"

Harry sighed dramatically and placed a hand over his heart. "My love has betrayed me and my godson is in cahoots. Whatever shall I do?"

"Catch me if you can," Severus said with a wink and swept away, a giggling Teddy hot on his heels.

Harry's laughter followed him all the way to the arbour on the other side of the lawn.


Severus and Harry kept Teddy entertained until dinnertime, when Andromeda arrived to take him home. Severus waved goodbye to Andromeda and Teddy. They waved back and left through the house, Teddy bouncing with childish ebullience and chattering away.

"That went well, don't you think?"

"Sure did, but whew!" Harry collapsed into a lawn chair and fanned his face. "That boy is more exhausting than auror cadet training."

Severus chuckled and settled into the seat nearest his mate. "Hmm. Do you not enjoy it?"

"Oh, no. I love playing with Teddy. It's just tiring. Merlin, I need a nap."

Severus laughed and slipped his hand into Harry's. "You love him."

"Completely."

"Would you think … would Andromeda be awfully put out if we were to offer to adopt him?"

Harry bolted out of his chair. "Severus? You … you want to?"

"Ah, I do love the little man. But I hesitate to ask as Andromeda has little left to remind her of her daughter and husband. I do not want to take Teddy away from her too if she is happy with him."

Harry nodded and sat again. "I don't think it would be good to adopt Teddy, as much as I love the little tyke. Andi needs him."

Severus levitated his chair to rest beside Harry's and tugged the younger man's hand into his lap. "Yes, I see what you mean. But then, would you be averse to having children of our own, pet? I just realised today I have been remiss in discussing it with you, and I think we should talk about it before our bonding."

Harry's eyes lit up. "Our own? Oh, I …." He bit his lip, joy fading into caution. "W-what do you want, Severus? I … I don't want to pressure you."

Severus kissed his hand. "Simply confessing your wish as to whether you would or would not like children is not pressuring me. Whatever your desires, we shall work it out."

Harry gave him a hesitant smile. "In that case, I … I've always wanted a family, Severus. A big one, to be honest. Maybe not quite as big as Mum Weasley's brood, but I do want kids to showerwith love, not like the way we grew up. But if you don't want kids, it's okay. I'm happy enough taking care of Teddy when Andi needs a break."

Relief and joy washing over him, Severus gave his fiancé a warm smile. "I, too, wish for children, pet. And, much like you, wish to give them the love we did not have."

Harry beamed and grabbed Severus' hand. "What, really? You do? Oh Merlin! I've been afraid to ask because I thought—never mind it, obviously it was a stupid thought."

He took Severus' face in his hands and brought their lips together in a slow, languid kiss. "Yes, love. Let's have a family together. We can adopt if you want, but I'd like to try—we'll ask Parvati what she Sees about it first, just because that potion is so dangerous—but I'll be happy to have children with you, love. I'm assuming you want me to bear?"

Severus shook his head. "Actually, I would like to … if I am not too old or in too poor of health, I would like to bear at least one."

Harry stilled, eyes glimmering in the sunset. "Oh. The thought of you with our baby in your tummy—shite, I … just the thought!" He rubbed tears away and hugged Severus tight. "Yes, love. If you want to carry, I promise I'll take care of you to the best of my ability every step of the way."

Severus blinked tears of his own back and kissed his fiancé's cheek. "We shall begin preparations as soon as the bonding is complete. Or would you prefer to have a year for us?"

"I don't know about a year, but let's take some time to settle into the bond first. Unless Parvati tells us we're on a schedule, if you get my drift."

Severus nodded and draped his arm around Harry's shoulders. "We will simply prepare our lodgings then and start the potion when we are ready."

"Yeah, that sounds good." Harry laid his head on Severus' shoulder and laced their fingers together.

"Hmm. If we are to sit outside like this—" Severus levitated their chairs and turned them to face the west where the sunset had painted the sky aubergine and vermillion. "Let us watch the sun go down and make a night of it."

Harry let slip a contented sigh and nuzzled closer. "That's my romantic Sev. Merlin, I love this side of you. Well, I love all your sides, but I'm the only one who gets to see this one."

Severus chuckled and Summoned the camera. "Not for long. We promised my photo we would create a companion for him. Go stand by the arbour. You will look lovely against the sunset and red roses."

Harry grinned and raced to the flowers, giving his cheeks a fresh pink tint as he stood in front of them. His eyes sparkled and his smile was radiant, and Severus knew he would cherish the image of him forever.

"Beautiful," he whispered.

Severus took a few snaps and pocketed his camera. "It is not a Polaroid, I am afraid, so we will have to wait until it is developed to see how it turns out."

Harry grinned. "Can you develop it tonight?"

"And waste an entire roll of film?"

Harry smirked deviously. "Well, we could always use it first." The heat in his eyes left no question as to his intent.

Severus' breath hitched. "Oh, I do like that idea."

"Just so long as no one else sees the pictures!"

Severus chuckled and opened his arms for his fiancé. "Here. I will set it to hover on timer and we will take some together now. Some we needn't hide."

"Great!"

Harry watched the camera zoom away and settle into position. He turned Severus to have his side to the camera and brought him into a passionate kiss, not stopping until several clicks had gone off and Severus pushed him back, panting.

"I would like at least a few photographs we might show in our home, you sex fiend."

Harry snorted and turned so he stood in Severus' arms. He laid his head on the man's shoulder and smiled at the camera, closing his eyes as Severus laid his cheek atop Harry's hair.

"Oh, this is lovely. Taking photos for our new home." Harry kissed his fiancé lightly. "I'm so happy, Severus. I'm almost afraid of how happy I am."

"I feel much the same, pet." Severus frowned as he remembered the other reason why he had sought Harry out here. He Summoned his camera and pocketed it. "Harry, may we put off the … intimate photos for tomorrow, perhaps? I think we shall need an early night tonight."

Harry frowned in concern. "Of course, if you need to talk. It's serious?"

Severus nodded. "Besides that Mister Jasper suggested we discuss what we want for our bonding rings—he will have them custom made and warded to our specifications—there is … one other drawing I feel I must discuss with you before we are bonded."

"Dumbledore?"

Severus winced. "No. You are already fully cognizant of everything that happened that night. His image haunts me still but it will wait until after the bonding. It is … the woman I had to … k-kill."

Harry shuddered. "Merlin." He took a deep breath and squeezed Severus' hands. "All right, love. If you need to talk about it, we will. Maybe we should talk about the rings first though, because I think the other conversation is going to rip the very soul from you."

Severus kissed Harry tenderly. "Thank you."

"Not at all. So what do you want for our rings?"

Severus led them back to their chairs and settled in to watch the sunset. "Hmm. What do you think of a design of ivy along the band?"


That night, Severus trembled as he took his sketchbook from the nightstand and carried it to the bed where Harry waited, already dressed in his nightclothes. The very thought of viewing that drawing again—let alone discussing it in detail—left him sick and weak with fear, but it had to be done. He had to own up to his failings, all of them. Otherwise he would always doubt that Harry had truly known what he was getting into when they bonded.

To be sure, Harry knew about the crime. He had even forgiven him for ending one life to save many, but Severus couldn't forgive himself.

One life was still too high a price.

Severus settled himself on the bed, and with cold, shaking hands, turned to the one page in his book that still left him screaming in the night for forgiveness, for mercy that did not exist. Not for men like him, and not for her.

The drawing showed Severus weeping as he drained the blood from a screaming older woman with angel wings. Sarah. She had taken one look at Severus and pleaded for him to bring her home, not to do this and scar both of their souls. He had had no choice, but the idea of hurting her—it had sickened him to his soul. He had wanted desperately to spare her, to take her to her family, heal her wounds, and protect her to the best of his ability.

But he hadn't. He couldn't have, though he died along with her. Severus had been a spy. He'd had no choice but to pretend like her tears, her pain, her life meant nothing.

Six years later, he still felt her blood on his hands.

Severus' tears began to flow the moment he turned to her drawing. "I didn't want to, Harry. Gods, I didn't—I wanted to help her—but what does it matter when she is dead?"

Harry wrapped his arms around Severus' waist. "Tell me what happened. Every detail, so you understand I know the worst of you and will never abandon you."

Severus nodded slowly and took a deep, bracing breath. His chest felt as if it had turned to steel as he started his tale.

"It was in February of the year I was headmaster. Avery had attacked her home outside Cardiff, thinking it would be an easy fight. However, the woman's family had come for a visit, most either Muggles or Squibs, and so Madam Michaels defended them like a lioness …."

Harry listened without interrupting other than to encourage him to speak and to offer gentle kisses when grief and remorse overwhelmed him. After it was over, Harry held Severus while he wept, reassuring him of his love and acceptance, but Severus' guilt remained. After all, Harry's love could not absolve him, not this time.

This time, Severus owed his remorse to another, and she had no power to forgive him any longer.


The dreams returned that night, and Severus woke screaming, her name on his lips.

Harry was at his side in an instant. "Severus? Love, what's wrong?"

His gentle affection was too much. Severus had destroyed something precious, and Harry was comforting him. With her face, her name, her blood screaming for vengeance, Severus broke into bitter tears.

Harry gently pulled Severus into his arms and held him close, rubbing a soothing hand down his back and running gentle fingers through his hair. Severus only wept harder. He didn't deserve this, when he had stolen the same love and life from an innocent old woman. It didn't matter that Voldemort had been at his back the whole time, practically forcing his hand. The fact remained that he had taken her hopes and dreams and life away, and he deserved nothing more than to die for it.

"Gods, Severus—please, tell me what's wrong! I'm scared, angel. I … I've never seen you cry like this before."

"Don't! Don't call me angel right now. I am guilty. I have blood on my hands."

Harry's hand stilled on his back. "This is about Sarah, love?"

"Love? H-how can you love me still?" Severus ripped out of Harry's arms and buried his face in his knees. "I deserve none of it. I deserve to perish, for what I stole from her."

Harry sat beside him and laid a gentle hand on Severus' shoulder. "Sev … you had no choice. He would have killed you, and with you, condemned us all to die. You were the only one who knew about the horcrux in my scar."

"I know, Harry. I know. But it does not absolve me."

Harry held Severus as best as he could and kissed the man's shoulder. "Ssh. You're not the monster you believe yourself to be. I love you. I won't leave you."

"You can't leave me. You are cursed, remember?"

Harry gently eased Severus' face from his knees and kissed him softly, tears and all. "Even if I wasn't, I wouldn't leave your side. Severus, I adore you. You give me life and joy and hope. No, you're not perfect, but neither am I, and I love you as you are."

Severus broke down into helpless sobs and buried his face in Harry's shoulder. "It hurts. Hurts so very much. I wish I could save her."

"I know you do." Harry's voice broke. "I wish you could too."

"You are weeping for me?"

"For your pain, love, and for hers."

Severus clutched Harry close and wept bitter, desolate sobs that wracked his very being. Harry just held him and crooned to him, reassuring Severus over and over of his love. And, though it took until the twilight of predawn, eventually Severus gained back some measure of self-control and struggled to stop his tears.

"Sev?" Harry tipped back Severus' chin and gently wiped his face with a handkerchief. "I have an idea. If you wanted to … I still remember where I dropped that stone. Maybe we could use it, just long enough for you to try to explain."

Severus shuddered. "Merlin, no. It is too dangerous, and besides that, I do not believe it fair to disturb her rest when I am the one who forced her into it. That is, of course, assuming the stone calls true shades of the dead and not facsimiles."

Harry slumped into Severus' shoulder. "I suppose you're right. It's only I hate to see you suffering like this, and I thought, maybe she might be suffering too. She doesn't know, Sev. She doesn't understand why she died."

"She died because a megalomaniac decided she was unworthy of life." Severus scowled. "How could that knowledge possibly help her?"

"No, Sev. She died so that you could live long enough to teach me how to win the war. Without her sacrifice, we'd all be dead."

"I … yes. I suppose there is that." Severus sniffled and turned into Harry's shoulder. "But we should leave that stone where it lays, Harry. It is simply too dangerous. Too tempting."

Harry sighed. "All right." He stroked Severus' hair, a thoughtful frown on his face. Severus could almost hear the wheels turning in his mind.

"Pet, what are you thinking?"

"I … I'm just trying to think of a way to help you heal." Harry frowned. "Maybe … have you ever tried to make reparations to her family, Sev? Or did the Wizengamot try you for her death after the war? I never heard mention of it during your trial."

"It was a closed trial, with no one given access but myself, direct eyewitnesses, and the family." Severus hugged his chest tightly. "I have never been so close to breaking as I was that moment, when dementors tugged at my soul and Sarah's daughter glared at me as if I was no better than Riddle. I felt no better. I begged of them to kill me for my crimes, as it was only just."

Harry winced. "Sev …."

"I know. Had they executed me—we would both have been lost. Perhaps it was divine intervention, then, that brought mercy to me that day."

"What happened?"

"I asked for Veritaserum and told them everything. Even under the sedating influence of the potion, I could barely breathe for tears. It took three calming draughts before I could begin to speak."

Harry closed his eyes, his expression pained. "Oh, love."

"They removed the dementors then. I was too distraught to continue with their presence, but even with them gone, my grief did not cease. I could not stop crying, but I forced my story out between breaths. It took me an hour to tell them what should have taken but fifteen minutes, such was my misery. And at the end of it, when the Wizengamot looked at me with pity in their eyes and Sarah's daughter was in tears along with me, I bowed my head and asked them to take my life in return for hers."

"Gods, Sev. I …."

"I know." Severus shuddered and cuddled closer within Harry's arms. "It was then, that her daughter asked me why. Why, if I was willing to die in her place, did I not at least attempt to get her to safety. And I told her, that … that if my death would not have also meant yours, I would have. I told them about the horcrux, and that I was the last person alive who knew of it.

"And when they understood, when they knew what the cost of my death would have been, her daughter approached the bench. Her expression was blank, and I thought … I was relieved. I thought she had come to exact justice."

"Sev …." Harry's pained whisper cut Severus to the quick.

Severus rocked Harry closer, attempting to soothe him. "She stood right before the chair and bid me to look into her eyes. I could barely lift my head. It hurt, to look into the eyes of Sarah's daughter. It ripped the soul from me to see her grief. But I tried. I tried to hold her gaze, and I told her, 'for everything I have taken from you, for the mother I have stolen from your life, I am so terribly sorry. Though it means nothing, and nothing will bring her back, I am sorry. If killing me will bring you peace, take my life and welcome.'"

"Sev …." Harry choked the words past sobs and buried his face in Severus' hair. "Oh gods. I … oh, gods. I wish …."

Severus kissed a stream of tears away and held him tight. "I know, pet. I wish too."

"W-what did she say?"

"She broke down on my shoulder. She hugged me and wept, and did not move for a long time. I am not sure how long I held her and wept with her, apologising over and over."

"Oh, Sev!" Harry kissed him and held his face. "She forgave you?"

"She never said so in words. I imagine she could not. However much she pitied me, I had still taken her mother from her. I do not think such a crime is forgivable. But neither did she condemn me. Nor did the Wizengamot. Half of them were in tears as well."

"I think anyone with a soul would be." Harry wiped his face and sniffled. "Case in point. But what was the final ruling?"

"The court ruled I was forced to kill Sarah under duress and was not culpable beyond a monetary endorsement to her family." Severus tucked his head into the space under Harry's chin. "I gave Mrs. Meadows—her daughter—every penny I had out of my savings and continue to give her a portion of my profits every week along with sending her flowers, but it is not enough. There is nothing I can do to repair it. I could buy her the world and it would never bring her mother back to her."

Harry sniffled and kissed the top of Severus' head. "I'm sorry, love. I don't know how to fix it. I thought, if you used the stone, maybe you could tell her that she didn't die in vain. I thought it might give her some sense of purpose and you a bit of peace. But you're right. It's dangerous. And if you've already talked things out with her daughter, it's probably best not to bother her again. But I don't know what else to do."

Severus leaned onto his elbows and frowned. "I agree that it would be in bad taste to disturb her family now. I hope they have found some peace since the war. They lost so much." He closed his eyes around the sting of tears. "B-but perhaps there is a way to contact Sarah without using the stone."

Harry jumped up. "There is? How?"

"A ritual, pet. It would not be like when your parents returned; she could not speak to us, but we could speak to her. And without disturbing her rest, I hope."

"Sev, really? You mean … we could give her peace without hurting anything?"

"Perhaps. So I hope, at any rate."

Harry sat and held Severus' face in gentle hands. "Let's do it. What do we need?"

Severus searched his soulmate's eyes, seeking any sign of condemnation or fear, but found only love and resolution in his emerald gaze. With a breath of hope settling on his spirit, he gave Harry a nod and stood.

"We shall need hellebore flowers, ground sea salt, and several candles to start."

"Hellebore … like the drawing I found in Sirius' stash?"

"Yes, exactly."

"It seems … fitting."

Severus gave him a wan smile. "Yes. We shall both lay our ghosts to rest this morning, hmm?"

Harry grimaced. "Not sure I'm ready for that conversation, but I'll definitely help with yours."

"As you wish." Severus leaned over the bed and slipped a hand in Harry's hair. "If ever you do wish to confront your godfather's spirit, I will help you."

"I imagine you have a few choice words for him yourself."

Severus gave a dark laugh. "Indeed. For now, however, let us focus on those who need healing rather than a kick in the arse, hmm?"

Harry chuckled and nodded. "I'll go get the salt and candles. You handle the hellebore and anything else we might need?"

"Yes." Severus took Harry's hand. "Stay with me?"

Harry squeezed gently. "I promise."


The sun had not yet risen when Severus and Harry finished setting up the ritual spot in the back lawn. They moved under cover of intense wards and twilight, chanting by the light of the stars and twenty candles Harry and Kreacher had gathered. Each small flame floated in a circle around them, above a circle of sea salt and around an altar with hellebore, calla lilies, and the last candle.

Severus might have found the scene lovely, if he didn't know its purpose.

As the ritual chant came to an end, silver light filled the air. Severus had expected a glow, but not one so bright, it blinded him. He closed his eyes against the pain, heart pounding, mind whirring with questions and possibilities he didn't want to contemplate. Dear Merlin, had they done something wrong?

"S-Sev?" Harry's panicked voice forced Severus to open his eyes.

Sarah stood before them, not a shimmer or memory of her essence, but a full, solid person, expression wary and hands raised before her in a defensive posture.

"You," she breathed.

Severus sank to his knees, stunned and struck through. Merlin help him, this wasn't supposed to happen.

"Oh my gods," Harry stammered. "Oh, dear Merlin. We didn't mean to—this wasn't supposed to—how? We only did a séance. It wasn't supposed to bring you back from the dead!"

Sarah fixed her gaze on Harry and gave him a perplexed look. "Why are you asking me? I don't know. I felt death calling me back here and so I had no choice but to answer."

"Death …." Harry choked and covered his mouth. "Oh shite. It's my fault. Because I'm the master of Death—it has to be."

Severus forced his voice to work past the tightness in his throat. "But I thought you discarded the hallows, with the exception of your cloak."

"I-I did. M-maybe because there's no possibility for a new master now, magic still acknowledges me in that role." Harry bowed his head and hugged his waist. "Oh gods, Missus Michaels, I'm so sorry. We had no idea this would happen."

"Well, there's no need to get in such a tizzy about it. It's not permanent, you know. Nothing can bring the dead back permanently."

Harry knelt beside Severus, his relief palpable. "So … so we haven't messed everything up?"

She gave him a sharp look. "My death, no. I'll go when the ritual ends or when I'm good and ready to leave. But before I do that, I would like to know why you summoned me along with the man who tortured me to death."

Severus shuddered and bowed his head. "Gods forgive me."

Harry rubbed a soothing hand down Severus' spine. "It's okay, love. Tell her what you wanted to. I'm with you, no matter what."

Severus turned his head into Harry's shoulder, giving into a moment of weakness and letting the scent of his lover give him strength. He breathed Harry in—sleep-warmed skin and morning dew—and steeled himself for the most difficult words he would ever need to say in his life.

He hadn't expected it to be like this, but no matter. Whether Sarah could answer him or not, she deserved the truth.

Severus bowed, hands on the ground before the brave woman he had wronged so terribly, and took a deep breath. Before he had even started to speak, grief already pulled his throat tight and burned his eyes.

"Madam Michaels," Severus said, voice low and shaky, "I … there is nothing I can say to … to make up for what I have done to you, nothing I can do to give you back the life that I stole, but I … Merlin, I am so sorry." He buried his head in his hands and choked the rest of his words out around tears. "I w-was a spy. I did not wish to hurt you, but I … I could not convince him to stop. And if I had pushed any harder, I would have b-blown my cover. And we all would have died."

Sarah stared at Severus, arms crossed over her chest, gaze sharp as a sword. "You would have died, you mean."

Harry laid a hand on her arm. "No. He meant what he said. Had Severus died that night, we would have lost the war."

Her eyes went wide. "H-how? What could one man's life possibly mean in the face of such tragedy?"

Harry's laugh was bitter. "Believe me, I've asked myself the same question a thousand times."

She winced. "They put too much on your shoulders, you know. I've always thought so."

Harry nodded sadly. "Yeah. The thing was, they were right."

"What?"

"There was a reason Voldemort tried to kill me. You see, Sev overheard this prophecy before I was born—he wasn't a spy yet, but this prophecy, or rather, Voldemort's reaction to it, was what drove him to our side. Anyway, this prophecy said that the one with the power to defeat Voldemort would be born at the end of July that year and that I would have a power he didn't know about. That was all Severus heard, and he ran to tell Voldemort—if he hadn't, he'd have been killed then."

Sarah nodded and motioned him on. "I'm listening."

"Thanks." Harry conjured a sofa and an armchair for Sarah with an ottoman. "It's a long story. Let's sit while I tell it, okay?"

"All right."

Harry guided Severus off of his knees and onto the sofa beside him. He cupped the man's face and whispered into his mind, [I love you. Whatever happens tonight, know that will never change.]

Severus' eyes filled with tears, garbling his response. [I l-l-ove you t-too.]

Harry guided Severus to rest against his shoulder and stroked his hair. "Sit here, Sev. I'll tell her our story."

Severus sat and wiped his eyes. "No. That should be my place, Harry. But I may need your support, if she does not believe me."

Harry slipped his hand into Severus'. "You have it."

Severus squeezed Harry's hand and took a deep breath. "As Harry said, I only heard the first part of the prophecy when I reported to the then Dark Lord …."

Sarah was in tears long before Severus had reached the end of the war. "S-so Harry, he had one of those awful horcrux things in his head and you were the only person who knew?"

"Albus did," Severus said in a soft voice, "but as he was long dead by the time you were taken and Riddle had control of the school, I could not depend on his portrait's ability to reach Harry with the information. Indeed, it was far too dangerous for Harry to set foot in the school with Death Eaters at every corner."

"How did you learn about it then, Harry?"

Harry shuddered and curled into Severus' arms. "Merlin, it was awful, Missus Michaels."

She gave him a wan smile. "Call me Sarah, little one."

"All right." Harry clutched Severus' hand. "I didn't learn about it until the final battle of the war. I came with my two best friends into the Shrieking Shack in Hogsmeade—there's a secret passage through it to the castle—at the same time Riddle decided he had to kill Severus to gain control of the Elder Wand, even though I was already its master.

"At the time, I thought Severus was a traitor and a murderer, but watching Nagini attack him—dear gods, it was the most horrible thing I've ever seen. He was dying … blood and venom was everywhere, but he still passed his memories on to me to tell me about the horcrux and … and spent what we all thought would be his last breaths to tell me he was sorry and that he had always cared about me."

Tears streaked his cheeks, and Harry covered his face. "I c-couldn't just let him die, but I didn't know how to heal then. I ended up casting this dark spell I'd seen in the horcrux book—"

Sarah cried, "Mercy me, child! Didn't anyone ever tell you not to use dark magic without knowing the cost?"

Severus choked out a laugh in spite of himself. "Only every time it's mentioned, Madam Michaels."

Harry groaned. "Merlin, it really never ends, does it? Even when we get to the afterlife, Mum and Dad are going to box my ears about it!"

"Serves you right," Sarah said with a huff. "Dark spells, indeed."

Harry glowered at the laughing Severus.

Severus smirked. "What?"

Harry huffed. "You wouldn't be here had I not cast that dark spell, thank you very much! And we most certainly wouldn't be bonding in a week, either."

Sarah gasped. "Bonding! Merlin, child, you and Severus will be bonding?"

"For more reasons than the obvious," Severus said softly. "Besides the fact that Harry's kindness to me that night—and my apology and gentleness to him—set in motion a love that has lasted five years, the spell Harry cast saved my life by blending our souls. We are half-souled, and the only way to restore Harry to full health is to bond."

Sarah gave the boy a dark look. "Did I not tell you, child?"

Harry blushed. "Yes, yes. I've learned my lesson, I swear! I studied enough healing in the auror corps to almost be a mediwizard just so I'd never have a reason to cast dark magic again. C-could we move on now? Only the sun will come up soon and I have no idea if the Muggles can see this part of the lawn or not."

Sarah frowned. "If the house is under Fidelius, I think not. But we can move on. So this spell saved Severus but at the cost of making you half-souled. What happened next?

"Er, I fainted," said Harry with a shudder. "The pain was unbelievable. But it could have been much worse." He scooted closer to Severus. "When I came to and we realised I was mostly intact—we didn't know about our souls yet, obviously—I had my house elf take Severus out of the battle and went to go look at his memories."

Harry bowed his head, tears dripping down his face like rain. "It was … the most lovely, and the most terrible thing I had ever seen. He had included images of Mum, of their childhood and how much he had loved her. They were best friends from childhood, before Hogwarts. And then … then I learned what I had to do to win the war. What Albus had raised me to do. I had to die, to sacrifice myself willingly, or we could never win."

Sarah paled and clutched at her chest. "Oh, Merlin no. Does that mean we're still at war?"

Harry gave her a brittle smile. "No. I walked to my own death and let him kill me."

She cocked her head. "But you're not on my side. I can feel it."

"No. Somehow the magic rebounded," said Severus. "Instead of killing Harry, it killed the horcrux in his scar and left Harry untouched. We do not understand it. Albus appeared while Harry was 'dead' and told him the power of his soul, being full of love and pure, had saved him." He hugged his knees. "But how can that be, given that he had just split half his soul with me—a murderer and a … a monster?"

Harry tucked Severus' head under his chin. "Love, ssh. You aren't a murderer. And you sure as hell aren't a monster. Riddle killed Sarah and all those others, not you."

"No, I … I held the knife, I … I cast the spell … I …."

A gentle hand on his shoulder riveted Severus to the spot. He looked up, eyes wide, trembling all over, to find Sarah hovering over him with tears in her eyes.

"No," she said. "I know you didn't want to hurt me."

Severus gaped. "But I … how can you … I don't understand."

She shook her head and sat beside him on the sofa. "Do you remember how you killed me?"

Severus winced. "The Killing Curse."

"Exactly. And what had Riddle ordered you to do?"

"To … to draw it out and … and …."

"And make me suffer for hours and hours while you traced my magic into my core. I remember. The Avada, in my case—I knew even then it was mercy. I knew you had cast it to spare me pain you could not otherwise prevent. I knew you had no choice."

Severus' world tipped on its head. "You … you knew?"

"The entire time, yes."

Severus gaped. "But if you—if you could tell, Riddle must have known. H-how am I not dead?"

She laughed. "Oh, Riddle had no idea. He would have to be able to feel the pain of others before he could see yours turning your entire core red."

Severus froze, struck through. "You are an empath."

She nodded. "I knew the entire time, dear. I only wanted to hear your side of the story."

"Oh. Oh gods." He broke into sobs and curled up on Harry's shoulder. "I can't b-believe it."

Sarah rubbed his back. "Let it go, child. You've held onto the guilt for far too long when it was never yours to begin with. I was fully prepared to die that night to protect my children and grandchildren. I gave my life for theirs. But I didn't intend to make any other innocents suffer."

She held Severus' hand. "That's why I begged so hard that night. It wasn't just for my pain—it was for yours. Every cut he forced you to make cut you twice as deep. And I didn't want you to bleed forever."

Severus choked back howling sobs, broken to bits and healed at once. "Oh gods. I c-can't."

Harry pulled Severus into his lap and hugged him tight. "You hear that, love? She knew the whole time and wanted you to be okay. So you can let it go. You can move on and be whole again, and know you're innocent."

She gave Harry a sad smile. "He would have to be. Otherwise you'd both be dead."

"I've said as much too." Harry kissed Severus' temple. "It's only that he's held onto his guilt since Mum died. I don't know if he knows how to let go."

Sarah patted Harry's shoulder. "Teach him then. Learn to heal together. That's the beauty of a good marriage—helping each other through the rough patches as much as sharing in each other's joy. I can trust you to put him back together for me?"

Harry hugged Severus tight. "You bet. I'll take care of him."

Severus kissed Harry through a choking scourge of tears. "T-thank you."

"Ssh. Nothing to thank me for. It's all right."

"Never would have had this chance for r-redemption if not for you."

Harry kissed his forehead. "You don't need to be redeemed any longer, love."

Severus reeled, rocked to his core by the truth of that statement. "I … I don't, do I?"

Sarah stroked his hair. "No, child. You bled from my pain much longer and harder than I did. Let it go, little one. It's over now, and you have a full life ahead of you."

Severus stood and threw his arms around the older woman, grateful Harry's abilities had given him a solid presence to hug. "Thank you. Oh gods, thank you so much. And Merlin, I'm so sorry."

"Ssh." She patted his cheek. "It's all right now. You're going to be okay." She wiped her own eyes and moved back. "Is my family all right? I've not seen them yet. Did they pull through?"

Severus nodded. "They all survived. I have sent your daughter a portion of my profits and fresh flowers every week. Today is my day to send them again."

"Send her a message from me?"

Severus winced. "I don't know if she'll receive it, but I can try."

"Tell her to perform a ritual séance tonight." She gave Harry a smile. "Your magic should hold over me for two more days—at least enough time to let her know I'm okay."

Harry squeezed her hand. "If not, as soon as I'm free to leave the house, I'll go to her so that you can say goodbye properly. It's the least I can do." He tucked Severus into his arms. "Nothing can repay this—giving him his innocence back is … Merlin." He buried a sniffle in Severus' hair. "Thank you. More than I can say, thank you."

She hugged them both. "Thank you for telling me the truth. I feel better knowing I didn't just die for my family's sake, but for our future too. It's good to know." She kissed Harry's cheek. "You, young man, have done quite well for yourself. Congratulations on your bonding, and well done, child."

Harry choked back tears and gave her a smile. "T-thank you."

Sarah nodded and took Severus into a hug. "Well done, little one. Your bravery might have cost me the last few years of my life, but thousands of British children will go on to become grandparents because of all you sacrificed for us. Don't bear the burden of guilt any longer. Let it go to the grave where it belongs, and go into your bonding day with joy. I forgave you long ago."

Severus hugged her tight and wept into her shoulder, completely overwhelmed. "Thank you. Merlin, thank you so much."

Her kiss on his hair was absolution, and with it, the crushing weight of sin he had carried for so long faded to nothing. He stepped back and wiped his eyes, smiling in spite of his wild emotions.

"Now, boys," she said with a sniffle and a smile of her own, "I think my work here is done. Especially if I'm to meet Elizabeth tonight, I'll need a bit of rest."

"Good luck," Harry murmured.

"Yes, from me as well," Severus said. "I will pass on your message as soon as I can find proper flowers for her."

"Thank you." Sarah smiled one more time. "Goodbye, and blessings on your bonding, boys." She blew them an air kiss and vanished.

"Merlin." Harry caught Severus into his arms. "Are you all right, love?"

Severus laid his head on Harry's shoulder. "Not quite. But I will be." He squeezed Harry tight, shaking from emotion and sheer relief. "I will be."

"Yeah. And I'll be here with you every step of the way."

Severus buried his face in Harry's shoulder and held him tight, thanking Merlin, the gods, and whoever else might be listening for the chance his love and sacrifice had given him.