A/N: I won't bore you with why this has taken so long - needless to say, your reviews and messages have meant the world to me and have been the inspiration pushing me to continue this story. For that reason and many more, I can't thank you enough. You are all incredible.
This chapter is shorter than usual, but sweeter than ever before. I hope you enjoy it and I really hope I can update again soon. Much love.
Chapter Nineteen: Are We Crazy?
'But that's why we kiss: to say with our lips what we couldn't before.' - Iain S. Thomas
"Are we crazy?"
Olivia's voice is soft, breathy. Her fingers curl into Fitz's silky hair and she lets her eyes fall closed, powerless to resist him. There are so many things on her mind, so many plans she wants to make, but he doesn't seem to care about any of that.
Right now, he just won't stop kissing her.
All she can hear as they stand in the stillness of her bedroom is the sound his lips make as they sweep across her skin: caressing her cheek, the corner of her mouth; meandering leisurely along her jaw and down the column of her neck. Her head falls back, tilting her face to the ceiling. His hands are gripping her ass, pressing her into his hot, hard body. After four days, he's ready for her. He wants her. Being desired like this by Fitzgerald Grant is probably the sexiest feeling in the world, and yet… As much as she wants him too, Olivia can't silence the thoughts in her head. There are too many of them; they're far too excited.
"Fitz," she whispers. She pulls on his curls, making him look up at her. He gives her a mischievous smile.
"No," he says nonchalantly, in answer to her question. Then he ducks his head again and begins to place kisses on her left breast: first on her bare skin and then lower, over the lavender material of her blouse. Either he's lucky or he's already memorized her anatomy perfectly because, within seconds, his mouth has found exactly the right spot. His teeth graze over her nipple and she gasps: she's exquisitely sensitive after so long without this kind of attention.
"Fitz," she pleads. "We are crazy. We must be."
She's not having second thoughts - far from it. She's just feeling a little overwhelmed by the enormity of the decision she's made, and she wants to know she's not the only one.
He sighs; nuzzles her breast with his nose, biting gently on the soft flesh just beneath her areola. Then he straightens up and gazes down at her, his expression lustful, amused and deadly serious all at once.
"We're not crazy. I've been waiting for you, for this, my whole life. Don't you see?" His deep voice is full of conviction and he's looking at her so lovingly now, sweeping her hair back from her face with his fingers. "This was always meant to happen, Olivia. I was always going to meet you one day; to fall in love with you in an instant. We were always going to make this baby together."
He places the palm of his left hand on her belly and she has to blink back sudden tears. He knew from the start; he was always so sure, from the very first moment they met - and he was right, all along. Before she can speak he kneels in front of her and lifts the hem of her blouse. She takes it off altogether, discarding it on the floor, her breathing shaky. She's trying her best not to cry but damnit, she's hormonal and pregnant and Fitz is… well, Fitz.
Pregnant.
Her mind rewinds: that word catches, repeats itself over and over. I'm pregnant. It's the first time she's thought it and not been seized by anxiety. Now, she wants to yell it out loud. I'm pregnant! She wants to laugh and run and jump in the air until she's exhausted. There's so much happiness inside of her, she doesn't know what to do with it all.
Fitz distracts her by turning her sideways so he can examine her body. He traces a line with his fingertip, from her breastbone over the flat plane of her abdomen to the low waistband of her pants. He places a lingering kiss just above her hip. "No change yet," he says, sounding a little disappointed.
"Not yet," Olivia agrees with a fond smile, and wonders whether her heart might burst.
He turns her again, back towards him, and this time presses his lips to the skin just below her navel. "Hi," he murmurs, his eyes closed. She's mesmerized by him; by his long brown eyelashes and all the tenderness he manages to fit into that one, small word. "Hi little one. I'm your Daddy."
He pauses there, perfectly still, as if listening for a reply. Olivia, on the other hand, suddenly finds that she's crying. No, not crying: that sound coming out of her mouth is half-sob, half-laughter; those tears on her lashes are made only from joy. It's a release of pure emotion and Fitz stands again and lifts her into his arms, laughing with her as if he still can't quite believe it. Two lovers, two soulmates… two parents, sharing an unforgettable moment.
He spins her around once, twice, his face buried in her hair. When he says, "I love you," she feels it. He really does. It's in every fiber of his being; completely surrounding her. They gradually come to a halt and he draws back to look into her eyes. She doesn't think his have ever been so blue before. "Thank you, Livvie," he says quietly. "Thank you for saying yes. Thank you for giving me everything I've ever wanted."
The way he's staring at her makes her pulse quicken; steals her breath away. She could live a thousand years and never get used to the incredible way Fitz's love makes her feel.
"You don't need to thank me," she replies, studying his face from her elevated position, marveling at how truly handsome he is. "It was our decision. I know you tried to make it mine but it always belonged to both of us. I couldn't have done anything without you, Fitz. This is our baby."
His smile is so wide it shows off all his teeth. "Say that again," he requests sweetly, making Olivia smile too.
"Our baby."
She rubs her nose against his and they laugh together - that soft kind of laughter, on the exhale. His arms squeeze her more tightly, hugging her close, before he lowers her feet back to the floor.
"I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing that," he admits.
"I don't think I'll ever get used to saying it."
Not for the first time, she pictures holding her newborn child: a tiny, warm bundle, its skin a perfect blend of hers and Fitz's, its little face so peaceful in sleep. This will be her life in… thirty-two weeks' time.
Eight months.
She has eight whole months to prepare. That realization calms her fears considerably.
"What do you want to do now?" Fitz is asking. "Do you want to talk, to plan? To read your books?"
She'd made him stop at Barnes & Noble on their way home, after she'd looked up the bestsellers in the pregnancy category on Amazon. "I don't know which one to choose," she'd said, panicking slightly, as he was getting out of the car.
He'd looked back at her, clearly amused. "Don't worry, I think I can handle this."
Ten minutes later, he'd presented her with five different books covering everything from conception to parenting. There was even a sixth which was specifically aimed at fathers-to-be. "I thought you'd want to be prepared," he'd explained, and she'd thrown her arms around him because he already knew her so well.
As soon as they'd arrived at her apartment, she'd wanted to start reading straight away but Fitz had had other ideas, taking her hand and drawing her into the bedroom. Now, still locked in his embrace and high on endorphins and excitement, the rest of the world can wait. The only thing she needs in this moment is to kiss him; to show him that what she said on Randall's Island is true - she loves him. She's in love with him, too.
So, she does.
It takes him one second to respond; one minute to get her onto the bed, covering her body with his. Olivia loses herself in his ravenous kisses as they writhe together, both desperate for closeness after three long days apart and in this brand-new place, where life has changed irrevocably and they love each other in more and deeper ways than ever before - ways they are only just beginning to understand. Her nails graze against his skin as she pulls roughly at his shirt and Fitz kneels up so he can throw it off, giving her chance to appreciate the sight of his bare torso as he removes her pants and discards them too. He takes a moment just to look at her lying there beneath him, wearing nothing but her underwear, and when his gaze finally meets her they share a secret smile. She's the most beautiful woman in the world - he knows it, she feels it - and nobody else has a clue.
Fitz starts to move forward again and instinctively she bends at the hips and knees, letting her legs fall apart, opening herself to him as he rejoins her. Memory always dims it: that sweet explosion, those fireworks, when he presses his rock-solid cock directly against her clit for the first time. Her back arches off the bed as vibrations of pleasure ripple through her, pushing all the air out of her lungs and into the atmosphere as one long, loud moan. No matter how often she's experienced it with him already, and how many thousands of times she will again, she always forgets in the between just how exquisite it feels when her body is awakened like this.
"Baby," he breathes against her neck, biting there as his hands find hers and their fingers intertwine. He makes his way to her lips and begins to roll his hips against hers, letting her whimper freely into his mouth, groaning along too. After a little while he withdraws once more, just long enough to remove the rest of his clothes, to slide her panties down her legs and off. When he kisses her again, nestling himself back between her thighs, his tip teasing her entrance in the most torturous way, a sudden thought breaks through Olivia's hazy brain and she turns her face away, breaking their connection.
"Wait," she pants, pushing on his shoulders to give herself some breathing space. "Can we…" Even as she's speaking she realizes that what she's about to say is ridiculous, but Fitz is looking at her with interest and concern.
"Can we what?"
She smiles, embarrassed. "We can still have sex now I'm pregnant, right?"
His amusement lights up his whole face and she tries not to blush. "Yes, we can."
"How do you know?"
He actually laughs. "I just do. Why wouldn't we be able to?"
She's trying to think of any references to sex during pregnancy she might have come across before - they are surprisingly sparse in modern pop-culture. "Knocked Up," she says suddenly, making Fitz frown.
"What?"
"The film. Katherine Heigl is pregnant and they have sex. Or they try to, at least. The guy is worried about hurting the baby."
Fitz smiles patiently and kisses her. "I've never heard of it, but I know our baby will be fine. I also know that no couples go nine months without sex. The Earth's population would have died out thousands of years ago."
She must still look skeptical because he moves off of her and reaches over the edge of the bed to pick up something from the floor - his phone. He unlocks it and hands it to her. "Google it."
"What? No, I- "
"Just do it," he presses. "I know you. You need to make sure."
She can't help but return his grin. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine, baby."
Ten seconds later, she has her answer. "Okay. We're good."
"You sure?"
He takes the phone from her and tosses it back onto the pile of their clothes. She puts her arms around him and draws him close again. "Very," she sighs, kissing him.
Instead of continuing right where they left off, Fitz trails his lips down her body this time, finally removing her bra on the way past. He plays with her nipples for a little while, rapidly escorting her right back to the heights of arousal she'd just left, and then continues on to her abdomen.
"Soon your tummy will grow, Livvie," he says, nuzzling her skin. "I can't wait. You're gonna look so gorgeous… So sexy."
She wasn't expecting to hear that last part. "You think so?" she asks quietly. She tries to imagine it - will being pregnant make her feel sexy? The answer comes to her immediately, without conscious thought: yes, it will. It's yet another new aspect of this situation that she hasn't even begun to contemplate and she adds it to her mental list of 'feelings she needs to work through later'.
"I definitely think so," Fitz murmurs, reclaiming her attention. His fiery gaze holds hers for a moment before he begins to kiss her clit, to circle her with the wet heat of his tongue, and that's their conversation over; the beginning of the end.
He takes her right to the edge with his mouth, to the point where she's just starting to fall, so tense she can barely draw breath - and then he moves, swiftly, and he's pounding into her so hard that she falls anyway, weightless, blinded with pleasure. This is the kind of love they always make when they've been apart - sweet, quiet, frantic - but after the events of the past few days, it's a thousand times more emotional than ever before.
Olivia holds him close as he follows, tears stinging her eyes. She's going to be a mother; she's bound herself to this man for the rest of her life, to raising their child together. There are a million hurdles ahead - just thinking about them makes her head ache - but that doesn't matter. It can't matter, now. Everything she does from this moment on is for her baby, and for the man in her arms. Her family.
In these silent, post-coital minutes as her mind and body calm, her pregnancy becomes so much more than just a choice they had to make. It's a blessing. It's a privilege.
And, already, she knows that growing and nurturing her baby will be the best thing she'll ever accomplish.
Much later that evening they're sharing a bubble bath, Olivia resting against his chest, each reading one of their new books. Fitz had had to go back to his office briefly to attend one important meeting, and had returned just as it was getting dark with almost the entire contents of a deli. He'd laid them all out on a blanket on her living room floor: a decadent, indoor picnic.
"I want to do this with you in the middle of Central Park," he'd told her, in between her grateful and loving kisses. "I want to get this fucking divorce finished with. I'm gonna call my lawyer first thing tomorrow and ask what the damn hold up is."
Olivia said nothing but inside, she was jumping for joy.
They sat propped up against cushions and Fitz poured sparkling white grape juice into two of her best flutes. "I wish we could celebrate properly," he'd said solemnly. "I thought about taking you out, but tonight of all nights I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you. At least here, we can do this…"
He'd kissed her neck; tasted the bubbles on her lips. His free hand slid over her belly and she covered it with hers, feeling as giddy as if she were really drinking Champagne.
Olivia checked one of her books and discovered she had to avoid soft cheeses and pâté, sliced cooked meats and unwashed salad; basically, most of the foods he'd bought. "There's so much to learn," he'd sighed after she'd assured him she really didn't mind just eating the bread, olives, hummus and other Greek dips.
She'd handed the book to him with a cheeky smile. "Better get reading then."
Somewhere between the salted caramel mousse (made with pasteurized cream - she'd checked the label) and their playful, increasingly heated kisses, she'd remembered she had one huge piece of news she hadn't actually shared with him yet. From her purse, she pulled out the sonogram report and showed it to him.
"June seventh," she'd said softly as he looked at it, trying to take in all the new terminology. "That's my due date. The day we get to meet our baby."
His eyes met hers, as full of wonder as if she'd just told him the best news all over again. "June seventh," he'd repeated, committing this most precious date to memory. "The day before my mom's birthday."
If Olivia didn't already believe in fate, that might just have convinced her.
"That's… amazing," she'd whispered, hugging him close. No doubt he was thinking exactly the same thing as her: how much he'd love for his mother - for both of their mothers, in fact - to be able to meet their grandchild.
"It is," he'd said, his voice steady, drawing back to gaze into her eyes. Clearly, it was not the right time to feel sad. "Everything about this is amazing, Livvie. Everything."
They'd ended up making love there on the floor, both kneeling facing the sofa where Olivia eventually fell forwards to rest as the aftershocks of her orgasm began to dissipate. He'd left her there, wrapped up in a blanket with another glass of grape juice, while he'd run a bath and lit almost every candle she owned.
And now here they are, perfectly peaceful; breaking the silence only to comment on something they've read, some new and wonderful pregnancy fact, or to languidly caress each other's bare bodies and make the water swirl gently around the tub.
"I have a confession to make," Olivia says at length, closing her book and letting it fall to the floor. She turns around to face him and he discards his, too. He's looking at her with curiosity, and contentment, and utter devotion. If ever there was a photograph of 'love', it would be of his face, right at this moment.
It's so stunning, it takes her breath away.
"What?" he asks with a wider smile, a small frown.
She shakes her head; tries to remember what she was going to say, and fails. "Nothing… You just look so happy."
"I am." He draws her towards him; they maneuver until she's straddling his lap, her legs wrapped around his back. The friction-less movement between their slippery skin feels so luxurious. "You have made me the happiest man in the whole world, Olivia Pope, and I love you - more than I'll ever be able to tell you."
She's always had trouble with those three little words; has never understood why they're called 'little' when they cost so much, and lead to so much trouble. But Fitz seems to make them easy: both to hear, and to say.
"I love you too," she murmurs, effortlessly, watching the way his eyes light up as she presses her smiling lips to his. Her fingers tangle themselves in his damp hair and she caresses his curls as they continue to kiss, basking in such a sensuous moment.
"We need to do this more often," he says, his voice low and relaxed.
"What, accidentally get pregnant?" she jokes.
She feels the laughter deep in his chest. "Have baths together. How come we've never done it before now? I mean, you're naked and wet and so… easily accessible."
To illustrate his point, he takes her left nipple into his mouth at the same time his hand slips between her legs, stroking her, teasing by threatening to dip his fingers inside.
"Fitz," she gasps, and he withdraws.
"Sorry," he says, smirking. "I can never resist."
She takes a breath, regathering herself. "You might be able to, once I have stretch marks and swollen ankles and- "
His kiss stops her. "I said never," he admonishes, his tone serious. "I want you to remember this, sweet baby. Never means never." His expression softens and he outlines her face with his fingertips, adoring her. "Don't you realize that you growing our baby will only make me more attracted to you; even more in love? Your body is miraculous. I'm already in awe and you haven't even begun to change yet."
As ever, the sincerity of his words moves her deeply. "Thank you," she says quietly, because there's no other possible response.
"Anytime, beautiful."
Fitz decides it's time to get out and brings a towel over for her, wrapping it around her body and then helping her out of the bathtub. "I wonder how long I can hide it," Olivia muses as she lets him dry her. If he insists on pampering her, she's more than willing to accept. "I'm supposed to start showing around twelve weeks, but apparently every woman is different so it could be some time before or after then."
She can't pretend otherwise: despite all the stress it will cause, the thought of having a little baby bump fills her with excitement.
"I guess it depends on how quickly you grow," Fitz says, leading her into the bedroom. "I don't want you to have to hide at all, though. I want the whole damn world to know."
Olivia pulls on her panties and London t-shirt before crossing the room to him, where he's dressing in boxers and a gray tee. She waits until he's done and then wraps her arms around his waist. "So do I, but not yet. I really think it would be better to wait until you're divorced. We can announce our relationship and then, a bit later, make a small, casual mention of the fact we're having a baby together."
Fitz sighs. She knows what he's thinking: that this is all his fault for being married, for not being able to hurry proceedings along more quickly.
"Hey," she says, squeezing him tightly. "It is what it is. Don't you dare feel bad. Smiles only."
It's a phrase which takes them right back to London, to their last morning in the hotel when he held her and said exactly the same words.
"This won't fit you forever," he says, glancing down at her t-shirt, obeying her command to smile.
"Maybe when it's too small, we'll be ready to face the world."
In truth, Olivia has no idea how long it will take her to fill it out, but it's nice to have something to aim for.
"Are you going to meet Harrison soon, to make plans?" Fitz asks as she moves away to her dressing table to apply moisturizer.
She shakes her head, looking at him in the mirror. "As much as it would give me peace of mind, I don't want to tell anyone else just yet. I like that this is our secret."
She turns and smiles at him; then, with horror, she realizes she's already broken the rule. "Shit. I forgot to say… I told Abby." She's certain she looks as guilty as she feels and hurriedly continues, defending herself. "I was waiting outside the clinic, trying to decide what to do, and she was in the area getting a coffee. She knew there was something wrong; I didn't really have a choice. I'm so sorry, Fitz. Can you forgive me?"
He gazes at her for a long moment - which feels like forever, in the circumstances - and then he smiles. "It's okay. She's your best friend. I really don't mind."
Relief washes over her. "Oh, thank god. I thought after Stephen- "
Not for the first time that evening, he silences her with a kiss. "I don't care that you told Stephen; I was only upset because you went to him for advice, not me. But I'm fine now. More than fine. You're the mother of my child, Livvie," he says reverently, cradling her face in his palms. "There is nothing you could do that I wouldn't forgive."
It hits her in waves, the reality that she is really pregnant. Right now, a tsunami crashes over her.
"Wow," she breathes, trying to hold back tears. "I'm pregnant."
Fitz laughs and lifts her into his arms, carrying her to bed. "Don't worry baby," he says as he lies down, settling her on top of him. "You have until June seventh to get used to the idea."
His mouth finds hers again and his kisses deepen rapidly, flooding her skin with heat. "What happens after June seventh?" she asks breathily when he eventually lets her get some air.
He flips them over, his hands delving beneath her t-shirt as he begins to push it up, revealing her to him once again.
"That's when the fun begins," he grins.
