If this is being dead, it sucks.
Not that he had expected death to be fun or anything, but it's very… weird.
Unsettling.
He's not in pain, which is more than he can say for the last few memories he has, but he's also not… well.
It's… foreign.
He takes a long deep breath and hears, for the first time, a rush of whispers all around him, which is strange all on its own because he hadn't realized he could hear until that moment.
His eyes open on their own accord, and the world floods in — color and light and shadows all around: he's in a medical facility.
He is in the Avengers Compound's medical facility.
He is alive.
There's commotion around him, as someone gasps and then the sound of shoes running, and people talking, but he is having a little bit of trouble taking it all in, because, again, he feels weird.
Light.
Turning his head slightly, he sees Bruce coming in, and his friend looks wrecked, but also a good kind of wrecked — relieved and happy and— are those tears in Helen's eyes?
For him?
He tries to get up, but fails, so Bruce hurries forward and helps him sit up, and he smiles gratefully at the man, looking around slowly — and bit by bit, all sound and color and questions fade around him again as he catches sight of his own reflexion on the mirrored panel facing his bed.
The man looking back is young. He knows he's almost fifty, gray hairs all around and more trouble with keeping up his strength than he'd liked there to be, but the man looking back at him looks ageless, and there's something… otherworldly in him.
Whoever he is, whatever he became, he sure as hell doesn't look like the old Tony Stark anymore.
X
After his — perfectly understandable — freak out, Bruce and Helen check every single thing that could be wrong with him, and nothing is. He doesn't think he's ever been this healthy in his life, and he is having some trouble comprehending that — he wants answers, needs them like air, because he thought he would die, and he clearly got a new lease on life.
"Everyone made it back," Bruce tells him when he's finally done collecting even more of Tony's blood, and he can breathe a little easier now, knowing that it worked.
It worked and he's still alive.
He has no idea how to deal with this situation.
"Peter?" he asks, adding quickly, "Pepper?"
Bruce nods again, smiling in relief.
"Pepper will be by soon — she keeps coming every night, even if just to sit with you. Peter will probably come by tomorrow, he's been really worried," his friend pauses with a weary sigh, "We all are."
Tony stares at him some more, not knowing what to say.
"Come on, Bruce. Give me something here, because this is not…" he trails off, because saying this is not what I expected doesn't even begin to cover it.
"I know. Helen's gone to get the others, they'll be able to explain it better than we can."
A couple of minutes later, Helen comes back and they guide him to a room where Thor is waiting with his brother and another man, along with Strange.
Tony feels a bit ganged up here, because everyone is staring at him as if waiting for him to explode, and he really wants to believe that's not an actual possibility.
"Are you guys planning on telling me what's going on, or do I have to start guessing?"
God, even his voice is slightly different. He hasn't sounded like that in years — young and unbothered by too much drinking and drugs.
"Mister Stark," starts Thor's mystery friend, "we will tell you what we know, but it might not be as much as you'd like."
"Okay…" he trails off, staring at Helen, because she's always good to cut someone's bullshit off, but she merely sighs.
"Tony," he looks back at Strange then when the man calls him, and sees him leaning forward on his own chair, fingers steeple in front of him, his face a mask of gentle sorrow, and Tony isn't sure he likes it, "What Heimdall means is that we're not sure ourselves. Do you remember when I told you this was the only way?"
Tony nods, because he did remember.
"I thought you meant I had to die."
"For a moment there, it was what it looked like," Loki tells him, and Tony can't even process how unsettling it is to have this god explaining things to him in a sitting room, as if they're at a friendly gathering.
"You gathered the stones, and whatever you did with it, it worked," Thor tells him, his voice grateful as he smiles at Tony — the only one of them who doesn't seem fazed at seeing his friend suddenly years younger, "There was this… golden mist around you, and once Thanos was put down, the others started coming back. All of them. You brought all of them back — the Guardians checked some sources, and as far as we can tell, you managed to undo most of the harm that Thanos had done."
"It was what I asked for," he tells them, remembering the sudden rush of power within him, his absolute certainty that he could accomplish anything, do anything, fix everything — and knowing, deep down, that he couldn't. That this wasn't his purpose, that the universe wasn't meant to bend at someone's will like that, not for anyone: a lesson hard learned with Ultron and their Civil War and so many other mistakes, but learned and never to be forgotten, "I asked for it to undo what he did."
"And then you fell down," Thor continued, "Just lying there, and we all thought you were dead — Peter was screaming, and telling us to help you, but we knew there wasn't much we could do by then."
"Yielding the power of the stones is not something one does lightly," Heimdall adds in his grave voice, "I am told you were aware of this, that you had been told of its consequences."
Tony nods at that, because he did know.
"We tried taking the gauntlet off of you — we knew you had very likely sacrificed yourself to keep the universe safe, and having the stones in a single place would be… stupid," Strange says, his voice going almost humorous in his last word, "But then something happened."
"What happened?" he asks, at the end of his patience, because this was taking too long.
"We do not know," Heimdall answers, and Tony has a feeling those are not words that man is used to saying in that combination very often.
"I was told you started to… shine. And there was golden mist involved, and you started to scream. The team brought you back into Shuri's labs, and I, Shuri and Bruce did our best to understand what was happening, to help you, but it didn't seem like we had to," Helen explains.
"What do you mean?"
"When they touched the gauntlet, to pull it off of you, something activated. Extremis started to react with it — we're not sure how, but when we got you back to the lab, you were fully reactive — temperature rising, burning skin, glowing as if you were on fire. It looked like one of the cases we had expected, that the work we did to change the virus had mutated back at the input of too much stimuli, but you weren't burning out, you were just… burning. As if Extremis was trying to cure you, nonstop, as it did to those first test subjects, but something else was keeping it under control until it deemed you cured enough."
"Back in the field, when you started screaming, it became everyone's first priority to bring you back, but we, I and Nebula, and the Guardians, stayed behind to handle the aftermath. Nebula found the Time Stone there, and the gauntlet, which had actually fallen off."
Suddenly he noticed that Strange does have his talisman back around his neck.
"What of the others?"
"Gone."
He startles at the finality in Stranger's voice, "We cannot find traces of the other five, and we can only theorize that they're back into the universe, hopefully never to be seen again."
"Vision?" he asks, and Thor's features turn mournful at once.
"He didn't… return. We do not know why, but as the Mind Stone has vanished as well, maybe he is still in possession of it, but… elsewhere."
Tony is quiet for a second, hearing the explanation for what it is: plaintive words, that Thor himself probably didn't believe.
"You still haven't explained what happened to me."
"Because we— We don't know."
Bruce sounds apologetic, and Tony can't quite make his peace with that. How can they not know?
"Is it Extremis? Did we trigger some unexpected reaction?"
Helen is already shaking her head.
"No. After two days of the burning routine, it started to die down. Bit by bit, your temperature went back down, and as soon as we had the all clear, we started the removal procedure just like we had planned, and, as far as we can tell, it worked. Extremis had been active, but we took it out, just like we planned. It's not there anymore, we — I, and Bruce, and Shuri — we are sure of it."
"So, what? Extremis went overboard, and cured me of my old age as well? Is that it?"
When all the others did was trade looks, Tony got a bit fed up.
"Stop dancing around whatever it is that has you freaked out, and just tell me."
"This Extremis of yours did what it was supposed to do, but it wasn't alone," Loki takes over, and for once, Tony is grateful, because he is probably the one person — god, alien, whatever — who wouldn't measure the explanation out in tiny bits because of Tony's feelings, "Something else triggered it. Something else brought you back. You were dead, Stark — as dead as we all were just a few days ago — and something brought you back, controlled your healing, took off your years and… left you with a present."
Tony frowns at that.
"A present?"
Before the others can complain about it, Loki takes a couple of long strides across the room and, pulling a dagger out of nothing, cuts a line on Tony's hand.
He gasps, pulling his hand away, and then forgets to even listen to the shouting of the others because of Loki's action, because his hand is glowing slightly, as if someone lit up tiny golden lights across his damaged hand, and he watches, in horror and fascination, as his skin stitches back together, not even the trace of a scar left behind.
"What the fuck is this?" he whispers, and it serves to quiet everyone else down.
Loki is still staring at him from a few steps away, his face looking grim.
"We do not know," he repeats, and now Tony gets it.
They really have no idea what's going on with him.
"It's not Extremis, Tony," Bruce tells him, knowing that's where he'd go, "We tested for it, and we got rid of it, and it's not Extremis. None of the readings even come close."
"What is it doing? Is it…" he doesn't even knows what to ask, because what the fuck?
He did not sign up for this shit.
He signed up for making a huge gesture, and sacrificing himself for the good of half of the universe, and then dying, even though he really didn't want to.
"You were unconscious for seventeen days," Helen begins again, her voice gentle in face of his shock, "And while you were, we did every test under the sun, everything we could think of, and the only thing it does is… protect you."
"What does that even mean, protect me?"
"It heals you from harm," Thor tells him calmly, and something — something about the way he speaks now, the way his voice sounds, the way everyone in the room listens, tells Tony that this man is not the same one who left them after Ultron, "Just like it did now."
"What if—"
"It's not controlling you, or manipulating you, in any way, shape or form — it's not particularly magical in its nature either. We have theories, but none of them are absolute. I tested it, my associates from the Sanctum tested it, and it's not influencing or controlling you, or harming you. It is dormant until it needs to heal you. We weren't sure you were going to wake up, or how, but it's harmless."
"I wouldn't call something that hijacked my body and changed it without my fucking consent as harmless," he tells Strange, trying his best to stay calm, but failing miserably.
"No, no one would," Bruce sets a hand on his arm, and Tony sighs, "But you're not in danger. And you're not a danger to anyone, as far as we could test it."
He runs a hand over his face, tired and worn out, and maybe this is what he was feeling before, this weirdness — there's nothing wrong with him anymore, is there?
He's healed of everything.
One by one the people in the room leave when he tells them he wants to be alone, and they understand.
Bruce makes him promise to come to dinner, the others are worried about him, and Helen promises to send him the full medical record of everything that happened while he was in her care, with Thor merely sets a hand on his shoulder and wishes him well, and suddenly, it's him and Strange in that room.
"You knew this would happen," he tells the magician, his voice trying for accusing, and only ever reaching sad.
"Not this, exactly, but I knew it wouldn't be what you expected. I knew you wouldn't stay dead, and I knew you would have a hard time dealing with this."
Tony doesn't say anything, because he isn't sure what to say.
Strange settles for a strained smile, and then he leaves too, leaving Tony to hide his face behind his hand as he sits there, pondering the new absurdity of his life.
"You saved my life."
He startled so badly he almost falls off the chair, his heart beating a mile a minute as he stares at Loki, at the corner of the room, clearly having hidden in the shadows to wait for the others to leave.
"I owe you a debt."
Tony scoffs.
"If we follow down that logic, half the universe owes me a debt."
"I don't know how you achieved what you did. I particularly don't understand how you refused whatever pull those stones must have had to you, because the most I've ever had in my possession was two of them, and I almost went mad with power."
Tony swallows dryly at that, because he does understand — but he also knows he doesn't deserve any medals for not being a power crazy madman.
It is what it is.
"Your point, princess?" he goads, and receives a small smirk in return, something almost fond.
"They don't know what happened to you, or what it is that it's in you — but I know those stones, and I know how they are supposed to work, and although I cannot be certain of it, I can hazard a guess."
Tony doesn't say anything, he waits, because Loki is right.
Quill held that thing out of desperation, and Strange uses the talisman to work with it, but none of them even came close to having it all in his hands — Loki is the one who can understand this the most, probably.
"Those devices are more powerful than anything else in the universe, and I think, you've been bestowed a gift. Enjoy it. I know it's hard for you, because you have to know things, but enjoy it. The magician himself has confirmed it — nothing bad will come of it. Enjoy your second chance."
And then Loki leaves.
X
As much as it sounds like a good thing, Tony isn't used to things not having a bad side.
Everything has a bad side, as far as he is concerned.
So he pours over the medical records Helen hands him when he shows up back at the Med bay a couple of minutes after Loki left, answering his questions with no hesitation, and does Tony question everything, using Helen and FRIDAY to check things out until his eyes feel like they're going to fall off his head from so much reading.
There's nothing wrong with him — physically.
Physically, he is as fine as he's ever been, probably better, because until his scare with palladium, he had never been particularly good at taking care of his health.
After hours of looking through records and test results, he finally gives up, and stares at Bruce, who had come to join him a couple of hours before, when Helen left the Compound — now that Tony is awake and conscious and fine, she has much to do, and there's no reason for her to stay at the Compound any longer.
"What's upsetting you?" Bruce finally asks, as Tony flips through the files again, the blue from the holograms casting his face in an even more ethereal light.
"There isn't a single thing in this whole situation that isn't upsetting to me, and I'm not even sure I've taken it all in yet."
Bruce chuckles at that, and Tony takes a deep breath, because he knows his friend is just waiting.
As much as Bruce isn't that kind of doctor, he's always been good at listening.
"Do I even count as human anymore?" he finally asks the question that has been bothering him, swallowing dry as he waits for an answer.
Bruce cleans the lenses of his glasses on his lab coat, stalling for time, and it does nothing to assuage Tony's fears.
"As far—"
"— as you can tell?" he finishes, his voice sarcastic, "Come on, Bruce. Give me an honest answer here."
Bruce sighs, closing his eyes.
"We had agreed on giving you a few more days to… deal with being alive before going into this, but we should have known better than to expect you not to prod and poke at all the problems instead of focusing on the good."
"Yes, you should have known better, because I don't take things like this for granted. There has to be a downside to this."
Bruce is silent for a second, and then he seems to steel himself and meets Tony's gaze head on.
"From a physiological point of view, you'd count as a human, but you're no longer a baseline. You're definitely enhanced, although we can't pinpoint the origin, but the ability to heal — which we still don't know the extension of, by the way — alone would give you enhanced status."
"Is that what we're going with for public consumption?"
Bruce snorts at that.
"Yes, it is. Everyone was nervous when you disappeared, and we had to tell the people something. You disappeared to a strange planet, people thought you dead, and then you basically saved everyone. And I mean everyone. And although that part is not public knowledge, the Council controlling the Accords, and governments all around, are aware of your part in it, and they wanted to know what had happened to you."
"So you told them, what? I had gained a magical permanent band-aid from a couple of magical stones?"
"No. The official story is that you were using Extremis — the modified version — and it cured you, leaving some lingering effects. The healing is registered as your enhancement, but that's all that's on record."
"And off-record?"
Bruce looks deeply uncomfortable with what he is going to say next, and it does nothing to calm Tony either.
"Come on, Bruce."
"Loki and Heimdall seemed to agree that this healing thing seemed a bit… magical. So they did their own testing."
"Meaning?" he prods, voice already growing with anger, because with this much stalling, he is absolutely sure he's going to hate the answer.
"You're still susceptible to most kinds of magic. Loki and Strange tried a few harmless spells, and they all took hold. Nothing set off the… healing ability unless it actually harmed you, and we didn't try that far."
"But?"
"But Maximoff's magic bounces off. It can't take hold, and you seem to be immune to it," Bruce makes a small pause, gaging Tony's reaction before going on, "By day fifteen we were worried — too worried. Your body was fine, your vitals were fine, but you weren't waking up. She volunteered to look into your mind, see if you were… still there."
"And?" he asks again, voice tight with anger, because the last thing he wanted in his life is that magic coming anywhere near him, ever again.
"It bounced off. She cannot affect you, her magic swirls around, and goes off in smoke. No matter the nature of the spell — trying to read your mind, or trying to move your hair, anything — it bounces off."
Tony takes a minute to process it, and Bruce watches him carefully. He goes back to staring at his friend, head tilted to the side after a few moments.
"You've talked to Loki about this."
It's not a full out accusation, but it's not too far from it either.
"We have."
"And you agree with him."
Bruce looks deeply uncomfortable — and Tony suddenly wants to know what happened between them all — Thor and Loki and Bruce, because there was no time before, and the way they trust each other now is definitely new.
"He told me of his theory — only me. The others are still just as in the dark as they can be, and I saw no reason to go ahead and talk about this, because we have no way of knowing it, but I—" he takes a deep breath, shrugging, "I do agree with him. It makes sense. If the stone powering your enhancement is the same thing that provided Wanda with her powers, then it would make sense that it would protect you from it. Strange didn't try any magic with the actual Stone, but I bet it wouldn't work on you either."
Tony is quiet again, considering this, and it does make sense — he isn't sure this is any better than flying blind, though.
"I don't like this," he tells Bruce, and the man nods at him, understanding.
"I wouldn't either," it's his friend's answer, and Tony sighs, staring out the window.
He doesn't like this one bit.
"Do you want to stay here tonight?" Bruce asks him, looking around the med bay, and on any day, Tony would have scoffed and rolled his eyes, but right then, well, what can he say?
"Isn't that breaking the rules?"
Bruce scoffs.
"Since when do you worry about that?" they trade a small smile, and Bruce goes on, "Plus, I really do think you should give yourself a couple more hours to… digest this. I don't think you've had time to process everything, Tony, the good and the bad — and I'm not just talking about this," he gestures vaguely towards Tony's everything, "Give yourself some time before you have to get out there and deal with… everyone else."
Tony is silent for a moment, looking at his friend.
"Did anyone fill you in on the whole break up thing?"
Bruce nods vaguely, shrugging.
"FRIDAY has been helpful."
Tony snorts at that, because if there's one thing his AIs always are is loyal to him, and she wouldn't have given Bruce an impartial view on anything regarding their little spat.
Bruce smiles, small and fond.
"Nat talked to me too. And Shuri — she explained everything that happened in Wakanda, and also Barnes'… healing."
Tony hums at that, taking a place on the bed, feeling more tired than he ought to be, but that's probably a reaction of the coma.
"He came back with Rogers, then?"
Bruce nods, and Tony decides not to ask anything else — he doesn't want to, not yet.
He wants to enjoy the last little bit of peace he'll have before facing all the others.
It'll probably be the last little bit of peace he'll have for months.
X
The fun thing about being in a magical-stone overdose induced coma is that Tony had spent those marvelous seventeen days without dealing with any crap from anyone.
As soon as he is officially freed from Medical, though, things change.
Apparently, he had been left alone the day before — or as much as they could, with all the visitors to explain his new condition to him — in case he had any reactions and imploded upon waking, or if he woke up with no memories, or something similar.
Now that he is officially in the land of the living again, he is fair game, starting from breakfast.
Truth be told, he managed to sleep very little that night — thoughts of those stones, of Thanos, of the power he had let go, of his disturbingly young face, all of it, hunting him down till the wee hours of morning, and then dragging him into an uneasy sort of slumber, from which he woke up before eight.
And then he made the mistake of heading to the kitchen.
In the whirlwind of finding out he had healing powers and said powers had decided to give him the face lift of a lifetime, it felt right not to ask what exactly had happened to the others, apart from being assured that everyone was alive.
He expects Rhodey to be there — maybe Pepper, Strange or Thor and his weird brother and their friend, and that's pretty much it.
He did not expect anyone else to be there too, but this morning Steve Rogers is in his kitchen.
It hadn't occurred to Tony until that very second that he is still angry at them, angry at everything. Saving half the universe was a top priority, so he hadn't allowed himself to go anywhere near those feelings during those days, he couldn't. He had a mission to accomplish, and accomplish it he did.
Well, he supposes he shouldn't be surprised, really.
They saved the world, the Avengers are back, he's pretty sure there were pardons waiting for all of them the second they set foot on US soil when they got back from Wakanda — the rest of them are probably around the Compound somewhere, and Tony feels unsettled about it. He is angry.
His rush of anger seems to be mistaken as hesitation, because Rogers smiles at him and pulls a chair back, as if inviting him to come have breakfast with him, and Tony feels trapped. Looking around, he sees Nebula at a corner of the kitchen, and he heads there with a nod to Rogers, noticing Rocket and Quill are nearby.
"Hey, man," Quill starts, looking at Tony and clearly trying his hardest not to stare, "Glad you're up and about."
Tony goes for a small smile at that.
"Yeah, we're all happy you're not dead. That would have sucked."
Tony chuckles at Rocket and grabs a mug of coffee, before leaning against the counter beside Nebula.
"It would," he agrees easily, looking around — his back is to the wall behind the counter, and he has Nebula on one side, Rocket on the other. Rogers is closer to the door than he is, but he has a feeling the three heroes closer to him would help if it came down to a fight, "You guys planning on sticking around for a bit?" he asks, and Peter smiles at him briefly before shaking his head.
"Nah. These two wanted to make sure you were alive, though, so we stuck around."
"Like you didn't want to stay," Rocket scoffs, while Nebula only glares at Peter, and Tony feels a rush of gratitude towards these people.
"Thank you. Not just for staying, but for everything — if it weren't for you guys, we wouldn't have won," he says, looking at Nebula and Rocket.
"Ah, finally someone recognizes my value for what it is," Rocket says, making Tony smile.
"We had to stay a while longer anyway — you and Nebula banged the ship a little more that it could take when you got back here," Quill adds, and Tony has to hide a smile when she throws a butter knife at him, hitting the jacket instead of his face.
"If there's anything I can do to help you out…" he offers, and Tony can see Peter glancing quickly at where Rogers is still sitting, and then back at him.
What have people been saying to the outsiders while he was in a coma?
"We're heading there now, why don't you come along?"
"Yeah, might do you earthlings some good to learn what real space tech is like," Rocket says with a tiny smirk, and Tony smiles at him, nodding.
When they leave, Rocket takes the lead, Quill positions himself between Rogers and him, and Nebula is at his back, glaring with all her might.
How sad is it that these people he doesn't even know are this willing to protect him from his own teammate?
How sad is it that they even think he would actually need it?
Tony spends the rest of the day hanging out with the Guardians and their tech, setting up a communication system, so they can give each other's teams updates or ask for help, if they should need it.
Halfway through the morning, he gets a text from Rhodey, telling him he'll be back by dinner time, and Bruce texts him on and off all day, monitoring his vitals — none of them calls him out on his hiding in this ship all day long, for which he is deeply grateful.
The Guardians plan on taking off at night, and there's a certain rush in the air, which keeps him occupied, and Tony couldn't have been happier for it if he tried — there's too much going on inside his head, too many feelings to sort out, and he doesn't particularly want to examine any of them right now.
He's still angry, he's still hurt, and now that impending death and doom aren't at his door anymore, he doesn't even know how fair he's being.
Nebula and Rocket pull him to the side before they are about to leave, and Tony is intrigued.
"You know, hanging out here these days, even with all the work we put into fixing this thing and all, we heard some things, and I'm not sure I like it," Rocket begins, and Tony tilts his head to the side.
"What do you mean?"
"There should be loyalty," Nebula says, her voice in that clipped tone she always has, frowning angrily — or even more angrily than usual, "in a team. You don't leave people behind, you don't give up on them, you don't betray them just because you disagree."
"I know that," he tells them, an angry tilt to his own voice, because if they are going to start blaming him too, he'll kick them out of his backyard.
"Good. Then get the rest of them to see it too," Rocket says, a scolding tone in his voice, "Because from the things we've been hearing, you guys aren't very good at keeping it together."
Tony sighs, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head.
"Look, things got—"
"Stark," a new voice says, and he turns to see the green girl — Gamora, Nebula's sister, Thanos's favorite daughter — talking to him, "None of us here has a great track record. We didn't always stay on the right side of things, and we all did things we regret, but we got through it because we had each other's backs. Once we got that down, the rest fell into place," she comes closer and puts a hand on his shoulder, "What you did, denying the power those stones gave you, doing only what you set out to do and nothing else, that shows how strong you are, how good you are," she stares into his eyes when she says that, as if willing him to believe it, "Just because you messed some things up, it doesn't mean you're not willing to do what's right, it doesn't mean you're not good."
"I—" he swallows dryly at that, "I know that."
"Good. Then don't let the rest of them convince you otherwise."
He nods at that, and he gets it — or maybe they get it, better than even he and Rogers and all the others did.
"Of course, you could also just not deal with it at all," Quill states, smiling wide at him and making Tony frown.
"How would I do that?"
"Come with us," Nebula says, her voice quiet but determined, and Tony stares at them for a bit, not quite believing it.
"Are you guys serious?"
"Why not? You'd fit right in. Roughish good looks, kick ass weaponry — I took a look at your suits, man, they are great — crappy past, daddy issues, it's like it was written in the stars."
Tony scoffs at that, and, to tell the truth, he is tempted, oh, is he tempted.
Not only because he would be in space. In actual space, dealing with tech he can only dream of now, but also because all of this mess, everything they'll have to fix now that they aren't almost dying, everything they'll have to go through, the backlash from his stunt with the stones, everything — it could all just stay behind him, in the past, on Earth, and he could go off gallivanting through the Galaxies.
How awesome would that be?
Even for Rogers and Barnes and Romanoff and all the rest.
Maybe they'd be better off without him around.
And then he looks out through the window, to the barely lit compound where he knows there's at least two people awake even in the middle of the night, at least one of them waiting for him to get back inside. He thinks of Peter, with no proper backup, no one else he would listen to since he barely listens to Tony anyway. He thinks of Rhodey on his own to deal with the braces on his legs, and of Bruce and the absence of the Hulk. Thor and whatever he is trying to accomplish now, and all of the politics that, apart from Natasha and Rhodey, none of them really knows how to navigate, and he knows he can't. He can't leave them behind just because he has a chance to forget it all.
"Thanks, but you don't give up on your team just because you disagree, right?"
Quill smiles briefly at him and offers his hand to shake.
"Offer still stands. Any time you want off Earth, give us a call, and we'll swing by."
"Thanks, Quill."
He says his goodbyes to the rest of them, leaving Nebula for last, and he looks at her — defensive and angry and broken — before pulling her in for a hug. She tenses in his arms, and he's glad she didn't stab him — although with the healing thing, he'd recover — and slowly she hugs him back.
"Thank you," he tells her, taking a step back as they stare at each other, "For having our backs, and for bringing me home, and for dealing with him in the end. Thank you."
She nods at him, squeezing his arms briefly, before turning around and disappearing into the confines of the ship.
Tony takes one last look around and leaves the ship, standing on the grass, staring at it until they disappear in the night sky.
He stays, looking up at the stars for a little while longer, and he hears Rhodey before the man reaches him.
"Did they ask you to come with?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Why did you say no?"
"This is our home, right?" he says, turning to stare at his best friend, "Where were you today? How come you weren't the first person I saw when I woke up?" he asks, changing the subject because he doesn't feel like talking about it right now.
"Dealing with the grown-up side of things, Tones. Someone has to."
They start walking back to the house, and Tony sighs.
"Yeah, how is that coming along, by the way?"
"Better than expected. No one wants to give the people who brought back half the universe any grief. I'm sure it'll die down in a month or two — or at least until we fight a villain big enough to destroy a couple of blocks, but so far, public opinion on us is great."
"By that you mean that everyone has been pardoned, and they are all full Avengers again," he says, taking a seat at the table as Rhodey sits across from him.
"Yeah," his friend agrees, looking tired and worn out. He keeps staring, and it starts to make Tony uncomfortable, "God, Tones, you look so fucking young. I feel like I should tell you to go to bed."
Tony snorts at that.
"Yeah, because that always worked out so well. Besides, I don't look that young."
Rhodey keeps staring, probably remembering the stupid kid he had to dorm with his freshman year at MIT — the difference between fourteen and eighteen felt so big back then.
"How are you dealing with that?"
Tony shrugs, picking at the sleeve of his shirt for lack of what to do.
"I'm… not thinking about it. Yesterday was just… too much to take in, and today…" he trails off.
"Today you spent the whole time with people who didn't really know you before, so they wouldn't even see much of a difference."
"Pretty much, yeah."
"Did they tell you what happened for real? Because all we got was a vague explanation, a lot of mentions to weird science, and I'm not convinced."
"They don't know either," he says, finality in his voice, and Rhodey respects his wish not to talk about it when he changes the subject, even though he very clearly doesn't buy it for a minute, "So, how about you tell me what's going on since Wakanda?"
Rhodey's face says enough about what he's going to hear, but Tony does his best to keep his opinions to himself as he listens.
Apparently, he wasn't too far off before — as soon as people started returning home, and news of their last confrontation with Thanos started going around, there had been an unanimous claim towards forgiving the rogue Avengers.
They had to sign the Accords, they had to understand what had changed in it since they left, but they were pardoned and brought back to the US, including Wanda, who wasn't even America, and Barnes, who wasn't even all cleared medically speaking.
His involvement in bringing everyone back was kept under wraps for about three days, and then they had returned him to the med bay at the Compound, and a twisted, slightly crazy version of what really happened started making rounds through the news cycle, and most of it involved Tony pulling a Jesus and sacrificing himself for everyone else.
People still didn't know he was awake again, and Rhodey recommended that he talk to Pepper before tackling whatever he was going to do now, because it would cause commotion, no matter how they wanted to spin it — because the truth of it is: he could just let it all go. He is already considered out of duty now, and he has changed enough that it wouldn't be impossible to convince people he isn't Tony Stark. He could have something he had never had before: a clean slate.
All his life, Tony had always been something. Howard's son. A prodigy. A genius. A weapons dealer. A lost cause. A hero. Iron Man.
Now he could be… nothing, if that's what he wanted.
As Rhodey tells him that last part, Tony starts to think that maybe this is what his best friend wants him to do.
"You think I should… what? Disappear? Start over from nothing?"
Rhodey tries to look apologetic, but fails miserably.
"Look, Tones, I'm not saying it's what you should do, but honestly? Haven't you given enough? Done enough? You died, Tones. You actually died. I saw the medical reports — something brought you back, but you died because you got it in your head that only you could do it, and, hey—" he raises a hand, signing for Tony not to interrupt and let him finish, "— I know Harry Potter told you you were the Chosen One or whatever, but you did it, okay? It's done. If you want out, if you want to leave, to go away and never come back, hell, if you want to go along with those crazy people to meet Darth Vader in a Galaxy far away or whatever, no one could blame you. No one. Because it's not their right, and because you've done enough. More than enough. More than any of them did, anyway," he stops talking and takes a deep breath, leaning forward until he and Tony are just a breath away from each other, "But if you stay? You'll have to deal with all the assholes who turned the last year of your life hell, who left you for dead in a bunker in Siberia, who pretended to be on your side until it wasn't good enough anymore. And you'll have to do it with them thinking they were right, and that you dying was just another stunt you had to pull. Is that what you want?"
No. That's not what Tony wants — but he doesn't want to forget who he is either.
"Look, Rhodey, I get what you're doing. I do. I know where you're coming from, because no one, not even Pepper, has been around for longer than you. I know you get it, you get me, but—" he pauses, lets out a careful breath before going on, "I've fought for this, Rhodey. To be who I am, to stand where I stand, more than I did at SI, and more than I tried with Pepper, I— I fought long and hard and literally to the death to be Iron Man, because it's what I wanted to do. I still do. Dying and getting an extreme makeover didn't change that."
Rhodey stares at him for a long moment, before leaning back on his chair, his face that careful mask of indifference he gets when he knows he's won and doesn't want to brag about it.
"Okay. I accept that, if it's the real truth," he pauses again, measuring his words to make the most effect, Tony is sure, "But just tell me this: if this is your chance to leave the crazy behind and start over with Pepper? Kids, marriage, the whole deal — are you sure this is what you're choosing to do? Because I'm gonna tell you now, Tones, she won't be your fiancée anymore if you keep this up."
He gets up and squeezes Tony's shoulder once before leaving, and Tony feels wrecked.
Is this what he chooses to do?
X
The next morning, he is up at nine, which is surprising, and as soon as he opens his eyes, he almost screeches in surprise again — Pepper is sitting on his bed, a fond, relieved smile on her face.
"They asked me to wait until you were settled in, so I gave it a day," she tells him — contained and proper and lovely, and everything he thinks he's ever wanted in a woman his whole life.
"Hey, Pep," he greets, and she half-laughs, half-sobs, before throwing herself at him, and he catches her easily, hugging her tightly against him.
The last time he did this, he was so sure he wouldn't be coming back, that he would never get a chance at this again — for a moment, he's almost pissed at Rhodey, because their conversation the night before is the perfect set up for this, and Tony will eat every one of his suits if his best friend didn't know Pepper would be here, first thing in the morning.
They stay like that for a while, and then Tony gets up and finds proper clothes, and drags Pepper to the small kitchen attached to his suite so they can talk.
"I can't get over this—" she trails off over her coffee, waving towards him, and he gets it, he does.
"What?" he shots back, a small smirk on his lips, even if the mention of his appearance causes him a small bout of panic, "Worried that people will think you're a cradle robber now?"
She rolls her eyes and doesn't respond, and Tony takes the time to just take her in.
God, these past few weeks must have been hell on her. With him disappearing in that ship, and then not knowing what is going on, and then him dying and being in a coma and— Pepper doesn't deserve what he puts her through.
She really doesn't.
"Would you stay?" he asks her, not willing to tip toe around this, "If I— I've been talking to Rhodey and—" he kind of stares for a second, missing her talking in between his sentences, and staring into her eyes, he knows she is aware of the conversation they are having.
He also has a very bad feeling that she knows how this is going to end.
"Rhodey thinks I can have a clean slate, a fresh start. Start from scratch, everything, and— If I did, would you stay?"
He hates how young his voice sounds then, how small — and it has nothing to do with his de-aging or magic, but only because if there's one person in the whole universe he would consider giving Iron Man up for, this is she.
"Oh, Tony," she begins, reaching out slowly, with a fond smile on her face, and taking his hand in hers. He raises her hand to his cheek, and turns around slowly to press his lips against her palm, making her give him a sad smile, "You had the best excuses in the world before this, Tony. You were older, and you didn't have any powers, and there were so many people better suited to it than you for that alone. You had people asking you to give this up, to leave this behind, mostly because there was always the chance that one more hit could be your last, and you didn't take that chance then, even with all the odds stacked against you, you want me to believe you would do that now? When you have all the cards?"
"I would do that for you," he tells her, and he believes it too. He would, "Just say the word, and—"
She smiles at him again, patting his cheek fondly before pulling her hand away, and Tony closes his eyes for a second, knowing what's coming.
"I didn't like who you were before all of this, you know," she starts slowly, making Tony open his eyes again, "Before you changed directions, before Obadiah — I admired you, and I could see the person you could be shining below the surface, but you were always pulling away, and always hiding that, because— I don't know why, really, but maybe because you thought that caring as much as you did, as much as you do, would make you soft, or weak, or…" she trails off with a shrug, before sighing, "And then you were gone, and you came back a changed man, and I thought, this is it — this is the man I admire. And you know what brought that man out, more than anything? Iron Man. Not because you're less than him, I never fully understood what Natasha meant when she separated the both of you, because you are Iron Man, and I get that now. Truth be told, I got that then, too, but I wanted to believe that we could work around it, but, Tony, we can't," her voice breaks then, and she takes a second to get a hold of herself before going on, "I love you," she states simply, and his breath catches when she smiles, "A part of me always will love you like no one else in this world, but I'm not built to be with a superhero. I can't understand what makes you go against all odds and keep putting yourself at risk, but that's what makes you you, and I love that," she smiles at him again, but Tony doesn't dare move right now, "Never once, since you said you were retired, since they left and the Avengers stopped… being a thing, I saw you as happy as you were before, when you had them with you, trusting they had your back. And when they left, I realized something that, well, to be quite honest, hurt me very much at first, but I get it now," she reaches out again, putting her hand on his cheek once more, smiling fondly, "You need that more than you need me. You're more Iron Man than whoever it is you were before Afghanistan, and Tony, there is nothing wrong with that."
He closes his eyes then, a tear sliding down his face as Pepper brushes it off, and he feels her getting up and pulling him to her, kissing the top of his head as she stands, in her ridiculous heels, as he sits there and feels miserable.
"I love you, but I can't make you happy, because I'll always make you feel as if you're betraying me, or endangering me, or disappointing me every time you leave to be a super hero, and, Tony, you don't deserve that," she kisses the top of his head, and he breaths her in, "I don't deserve that either. Do you understand?"
He takes a deep breath and nods slowly, and she pulls away after a second, ruffling his hair slightly as she lets go.
"It wouldn't be proper for a woman in my position to be dating a kid your age anyway," she tells him, dabbing discreetly at her eyes, and Tony snorts, "I know Rhodey hopes you could quit, but deep down, he knows you wouldn't. He knows you just as well as I do."
He nods at her, quiet again, for lack of knowing what to say.
"Just promise me one thing," she asks him, eyes serious.
"Anything," he answers, his voice rough with tears.
"Don't go into that team like it was before — you are their equal, and their mistakes are not yours to correct, just like yours aren't theirs either. Go back to being an Avenger, but not like what it became after Ultron, Tony. Either you are all a team or you're not — don't take things in half again. Don't hide things from them because you think they'll disapprove, and don't let them walk all over you because you feel guilty. Go in as a team, or call the space people back," she finishes with a teasing tone.
He nods, swallowing dry at that, and she smiles at him once more.
"I should go — I just needed to see with my own eyes that you were alive and well again."
He smiles at her then, his eyes still wet.
"Would that be all then, Ms Potts?" he asks, the hint of teasing in his tone, and Pepper laughs, bright and clear.
"That'd be all, Mr Stark."
With one last smile, she leaves.
When Tony looks back at the counter they're sitting by, he sees the ring he gave her months ago.
This is it, then.
This is it.
He's an Avenger again.
X
Tony isn't the least bit surprised when FRIDAY tells him, early in the afternoon, that the team has congregated in one of the conference rooms, and he is asked to head there, so they could have a debriefing.
He scoffs at that — more like an ambush, but he supposes he will have to deal with that at some point.
When Tony arrives, the first thing he does is take a quick look around the room, and he isn't disappointed — they are all here. Rogers, Barnes, Romanoff, Wilson, Maximoff, even Barton, all there. In what appears to be an unconscious divide, there are a couple of seats empty between them and Rhodey and Bruce, and Tony takes a seat between the two, nodding politely at the others. Thor and his band of weird magicians is absent, and Tony isn't sure if he's happy about that or not.
The table is round.
He is suddenly overcome with the desire to laugh until he cries.
"It's good to see you," Natasha tells him, her voice quiet, and he nods at her, not trusting whatever he might say if he opens his mouth.
He's just going to get through this meeting, and then he'll figure out what to do about… everything else.
"I called this meeting because I thought it would be a good idea to have everyone on the same page if we are to collaborate together again. Ever since our… disagreement—" Steve starts, but Clint snorts, and Tony can feel Rhodey tensing beside him.
"Got something to say, Hawkeye?"
"Just… disagreement. Don't you mean, that time Tony went over our heads and got us all in jail?"
The thing is that his tone isn't even bitter — Clint honestly thinks he's joking. And suddenly, Tony can see, clear as day, as this is all going to turn out if he doesn't say something, doesn't do something right now, before it gets out of hand.
One day, Pepper will stop being right all the time, but not today, apparently.
He has a second chance, that much is true, and he'll be damned if he doesn't make it count.
"Let's just—" he waves a bit, before the two others can actually start an argument, leaning forward on the table and staring at Steve, "Let's get some shit out in the open before we start this, shall we? Because you see, here's the thing, I died," he lets that sink in, staring at each others before going on, "I thought I was gone, and believe me, I made my peace with it, but apparently, I got a second chance at this, so let's just make the most of it, and by that I mean, let's not start this—" he gestures around the table, "— by leaving things out."
He stares at the people across from him for a second, finally settling on Rogers.
"You betrayed me. And I don't care what you believed in — we could have worked on the Accords without that ridiculous fight in Berlin, and we could have made all of it work, but the fact that you just threw caution to the wind because your buddy over there was involved, makes me believe you're not fit to be the leader of this team, in any capacity."
"Tony, the Accords—" Rogers start, but Tony scoffs, and interrupts him.
"That wasn't about the Accords, and you know it."
"What was it about then?" it's Natasha who asks, and she looks puzzled.
Suddenly, it hits Tony that Rogers might not have told them.
"Did he ever tell you why the fight broke out in Siberia? Why we didn't just all came back as a big, happy family after a day trip to the world's creepiest freezer?" Tony asks, a suspicious tone in his voice, and none of them actually nods, they just stare.
"Wasn't it because of the Accords?" Sam asks.
Tony shakes his head, a bitter smile on his otherwise perfect face.
"The Winter Soldier killed my parents," he lets that sink in for a moment, not caring that Barnes flinches from it, because if he can't handle the truth, then he shouldn't be in this room or this team, "Zemo had been after the video files, and he showed them to me, right in that Hydra base, with them right beside me. The other super soldiers were already gone, and, yes, I did act irrationally, but he killed my mother and I had to watch it," he stops, looks up to see Wanda's shocked expression, tears gathering in her eyes, "Rogers had known about it for months. But because it was about Barnes, he didn't see fit to tell any of us," he states, the last stab in this particular fight, seeing Rogers cringing in his chair.
"Steve?" Wanda turns to him, and it breaks Tony's heart a bit to see that, because this young woman trusts Steve more than she trusts herself, and to see this, it's heartbreaking.
"I thought I was protecting him," Rogers whispers, and Tony can see Natasha shaking her head, her mouth a thin line.
"Apart from that," he begins again, their attention on him again, "Why didn't you tell me about the hidden soldiers? Why weren't you honest from the beginning?"
"We thought you wouldn't believe us," Wilson tells him, and Tony stares at him again, hard and cold.
"What did I do when I found out about the base, about the soldiers, about all of it?"
"You went after Steve to help him," Wanda replies, as if something is finally making sense for her, for the first time, "We thought you had used the information Sam gave you to betray Steve, but you went there to help, and that's how Zemo broke you. You went against the Accords, you went against everything you had been fighting for, and then you found out Steve had hidden the truth from you."
Tony turns to Rogers then, his breathing calm, no anger apparent, no contempt, just the truth, bared for all to see.
"If you had trusted me, like you expect everyone to trust you, not a single one of those things would have happened. I doubt Thanos would be much different, and things might have even taken a turn for the worse there, I honestly don't know, but all that mess? All of that? It would have been avoided. The Accords were coming, whether we liked it or not, and by signing that, like you actually did now, we would have had front seats to guide it, like Natasha realized, which is why she supported me at first," he stops and takes a deep breath, letting it go out of him slowly, "I'm not saying I'm blameless, because I'm not. I was acting on guilt and fear when I rushed into that, and I didn't even try to explain the whole process I was expecting to go through with the Accords after we had signed it, because I actually did think you all would have figured that out, that we wouldn't let that stop us from doing good, that we would revert whatever crap Ross tried to shove down our throats — down the line, because that's how politics work. I was panicked, I was in a bad place, and I didn't think," he pauses and looks at the others, "Even when you got arrested, did you really think Rogers would have been able to get you out without FRIDAY's help, even if he didn't know she was there, cutting security feeds, helping him and Natasha along? I'm not exempting myself from blame on the Accords, but on that fight in Siberia?" he scoffs, and turns to Wanda, "You volunteered for Hydra because of a missile that had a Stark stamp on it, even though, by the time that set of weapons was being produced, I wasn't even the one dealing them. And I'm not saying that frees me from guilt, because I do know what the history of my company has caused, but that wasn't on me, personally, and yet you became what you are today so you could get your revenge on me, not my business, not on the man double dealing weapons, on me. Because it was my name on that bomb. T'Challa went after Barnes when Barnes hadn't even done anything wrong. He went after him for revenge, and it took him days to snap out of it — all of that because someone messed with your family, and now you're telling me I overreacted when I found out that the guy who caused a split down my team, the guy I had funded the search for, the guy I was actually trying to help, running the risk of being lumped with the rest of you in jail when I got back, had killed my parents, my mother, and the guy who pretended to be my friend, who was our leader, had hidden that from me. How does that look to you right now? Because to me, it looks like hypocrisy."
He lets his words sink in, getting up slowly from his seat.
"So, you see, we'll have to fight together, and we'll have to find a way to make this work, but from now on, I'm not taking the blame for everyone else's shit, and I'm not hiding my head in the sand because I'm afraid it might mess this up — we fucked up, big time. Until we can work that out? We're not a team. And when we are again, I'm not following you," he finishes, looking at Rogers sharply.
He turns and leaves, not caring about the chaos he leaves behind.
It's about time he went to work in his lab, anyway.
X
The thing about Tony being Tony is that Steve never quite got the hang of dealing with him.
It's not easy.
And not in a way that Steve finds difficult to talk to people on a normal level — Natasha isn't easy either. Neither is Bruce or any of the others, but they are… comprehensible, at a level Steve can understand.
He can't make heads or tails of Tony on his best days, and on the worst ones, he feels as if he's floating in the open sea, not a boat on sight, without a life jacket.
The thing about Tony is that he's sarcastic, and he always sounds as if his opinion is the one opinion that matters no doubt in his mind, and people get offended with his attitude, or angry with his dismissive ways, but they handle it, because they think, oh, Tony Stark is an asshole.
So when Tony actually attacks, when he actually lashes out, when he actively tries to hurt you, it catches people off guard, because they think they knew that Tony is an asshole. It makes them unprepared for his actual rage when he unleashes it.
Then he comes along, strips you of every shred of self-respect you have, and leaves you to hang with the whole team staring at you, and makes you feel like you don't even deserve to be alive, let alone be a part of any team, anywhere, ever.
"You know," it's Clint who starts, and Steve closes his eyes, because whatever comes towards him now, he knows he deserves it, "when we share the problems with the class, I think 'Hey, you know that guy I'm running around with, he killed one of our teammates' parents, and I've known about it for months, but didn't tell him' is one of the things that should be out, for the people who went to jail over it to know."
Steve doesn't know how to respond, but he does open his eyes to stare at Clint, and then slowly looks at Natasha, who is now staring at him as if she's seeing him for the first time.
Wanda is still trying to understand the situation, he can tell — she's staring ahead, not meeting his eyes, hands contorting on her lap, looking even more lost than before. So many blows to her life in the past weeks, especially he fact that Vision hadn't come back with all the others, and now Steve is responsible for one more thing.
"I'm sorry," he tells them all, and hears Rhodey scoff quietly at the table — such a difference from the man who was willing to go to Court Martial for them, but Steve gets that this is different now, this is more.
Back then, it was about getting things done to save the world — right now, it's about bringing their team back together before the next threat comes, and Rhodey knows just as well as Steve, that they can't build themselves like they did before, on a foundation of shaky trust and no true respect.
The fact that, in the end, it had been Tony, Rhodey's best friend, who had to sacrifice himself again to save them all probably doesn't help either.
"I don't think sorry is gonna cut it," Rhodey says, and Steve takes a deep breath, considering his next move carefully.
"This changes everything."
He looks up sharply when he sees Natasha staring at him, her gaze sharp and just a little angry.
"It changes everything. When you left on your own, when you came back, broken and beaten and shied-less, we all thought Tony had betrayed us, Steve. Do you understand how fucked up that is?"
"I told you guys that whatever happened in that bunker wasn't Tony's fault," he says, knowing it's an empty excuse.
"And we thought you were being noble, and trying to get us not to hate Tony," Clint answers, "God, man, when I came back, I refused to even deal with him. Not even when I knew that he was the one to get me and Scott home, to our families, much easier than it could have been, because I was actually afraid he'd… I don't know, set a trap or some shit. How could you do that, Steve?"
He closes his eyes again, all of his wrong choices staring right back all the same.
"I didn't think," it's his only answer.
He hears a chair making noise as it drags back from the table, and he looks up, thinking he'll see Rhodey or Natasha getting up to leave, but the one who's getting up is Bucky.
His best friend stares at him, eyes serious, and broken, and he looks… empty. Like someone who lost everything, and then sees the last hope he has being snatched away.
"I'm not worth this," he almost whispers, and then turns around and leaves.
Steve doesn't know when the others leave, he doesn't listen if they talk to him anymore, because he knows what's just happened, and he can't believe that this is it.
He might just have lost Bucky.
X
Bucky knows every inch of the compound, and he is well aware that it isn't healthy.
He has good memory, so he could, potentially, use it as an excuse, but truth is that he knows every inch of it because for the past two weeks — ever since they got back from Wakanda, pardoned and formally accepted as an Avenger, whatever that means, he studied every nook and cranny of the place, because he just couldn't help himself.
It hadn't been this bad in Wakanda, with his own little house, his own little things, no arm but also nothing to worry about except for the work he had to do and the food he needed to put on his own table.
In his time there, he could forget who he was, who he had been, and treat all of this new world thing as a second chance, as a time to heal, to be better, to work towards making up for the things he had done.
And then Thanos happened, and Steve came back, and he couldn't say no to Steve, not when his best friend needed his help.
Except that now he can see that he may be failing Steve too, because Steve… Steve is not okay.
The more he finds out about the things Steve has been doing, the more he sees that it's very likely that Steve hasn't been okay ever since he was found in the ice. What makes him feel even worse, though, is that he can't help but see this as his own fault.
If he hadn't fallen, if he hadn't been captured, if he had been stronger when Hydra caught him, if he had been able to help his best friend, then the man wouldn't be running around, fucking his own team over, messing up his whole life, putting their lives in danger, just to save him.
He wasn't even the man Steve thought he was, anyway. Not anymore. It's all his fault, and he's not worth this — all this trouble, all this fighting, everything the rest of the team will put Steve through.
The others won't let him leave, though, he knows that. He's not good for Steve, that much is very clear, but the people who followed Steve, hell, they'd probably follow that stupid punk again if he asked, and they will want Bucky close — but the rest of them…
Maybe he can make the rest of them see reason.
X
"I would be offended that you think you can sneak up on me in a place I designed myself, but it seems like the arrogance of super soldiers knows no bounds these days."
Tony heard Barnes coming, and even if he hadn't, Friday had warned him that the man was on his way to the lab as soon as it became clear that that's where he was headed. He has no idea what Barnes wants with him, and he has no idea what to do with this situation either.
He has no idea about a lot these days, mostly because dying will do that to a person. He almost wants to ask for a few days to get his bearings, but he doesn't think he's allowed — hell, even if he did get a few days to get his bearings, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
You fall, you get back up and keep on marching on, that's the thing he has to do — it's how he's always dealt with everything.
Maybe now that everyone is back, maybe now that the threat he has been dreading for the past six years has actually come to pass, he can process this in a different manner, in a different way.
Maybe he'll even be able to forgive the people who wronged him, and be forgiven by the ones he hurt as well.
He turns around, and sees Barnes standing close to the door, looking ready to bolt, and Tony sighs, running a hand over his eyes quickly — maybe this is a good place to start. If he can work things out with Barnes, he can do that with everyone else, he's sure of it.
"So, what's up, Elsa?"
Barnes takes exactly one step into the lab and then stops, apparently questioning his right to be there, which, as far as Tony can see, is fair.
He waves the man closer to a stool he has lying around, and waits as the (hopefully) former assassin comes in and takes a seat.
"I'm sorry," the man starts, looking at Tony with broken eyes quickly, and then looking down and away, and Tony can feel his resolve to make this difficult melting away with practically no fight.
Damn, but Barnes looks broken.
"I can see that," he answers, drawing Barnes's gaze to him once again, "I don't… Look, I tried to kill you, you tried to kill me, we both survived, and that's, you know, not cool, but it's in the past. You died, I died, we came back, let's just move on, ok?"
"It's not— It can't be that easy."
Tony huffs a small laugh.
"Of course it can. You think a single one of these people living in this place can afford to not let things go?"
"You just told Steve you don't trust him," Barnes points out, and Tony nods.
"Yeah, and I don't. I think I trust Rhodey and Bruce, and— that's about it, from the people who were in that room. It doesn't mean we can't, you know, work together. We'll fix this. We can fix this."
Suddenly Barnes is looking at Tony as if he has never seen anything quite like him, ever.
"You're serious."
"Of course I am."
"Why?"
"Because it's how this works." Suddenly, Tony straightens his eyes, staring at Barnes with a calculative gaze, "Why did you come here? Actually, why did you come here, like, ten seconds after I dissed your best friend?"
Barnes actually flinches at that.
"Steve doesn't— I don't—" he sighs, running a hand through his too long hair, "I don't deserve to be here. I'm not like you guys, I didn't make those mistakes because I thought I was doing the right thing, and Steve—" the man shakes his head, "He gets blind, you know? I'm not sure if it's the guilt or what, but he just gets blind when I'm around. I'm not good for this, I shouldn't be here."
Tony scoffs a bitter little laugh at that.
"So you came down here because you thought I could ask you to leave, and then you'd have a reason to do that. So Steve could, what, heal?"
"So he could stop screwing his life up trying to save mine," Barnes mutters, and Tony sighs again.
It's too early for this. It's too early in life for this.
"You do know that if I were to do that, the only thing it would accomplish would be Steve leaving to go after you, right?"
Barnes doesn't answer, but Tony knows deep down the man knows this too.
"Look, Barnes, I'm not your keeper — I'm not even sure I'm my own keeper right now, because I'm fucked up after this whole thing. Dying and coming back and this," he gestures to himself vaguely, "I know we didn't really get a good face to face before, but I don't look like this. This isn't my face anymore, and that is fucking me up, but, you know what, this is not the point," he takes a deep breath, "The point is that, if you don't want to be here, then don't be here," he states very calmly, "And by that I mean, go talk to Steve, and tell him you want out. You don't have to do this whole super hero thing if you don't want to, no one can make you — hell, I'm sure Shuri would let you back in Wakanda in a heartbeat. Go back to, I don't know, what were you even doing there?" he asks, genuinely curious, and waits.
"Raising goats," he replies after a few seconds, and Tony can't help it — he laughs. It's short lived and he knows it's inappropriate, but he can't help himself.
"Goats?"
The soldier nods, something in his eyes softens at the sound.
"In a farm. I didn't put the arm back in until we heard Thanos was coming — the kids from the village would help me, and I was just…" he trails off with a small shrug, and Tony smiles at him.
"Healing."
Bucky tilts his head, considering it.
"Waiting. I knew it wouldn't last, but it was good."
"Do you want to go back?"
The other man doesn't answer for a long time, and Tony starts to get impatient — his quota for meaningful conversation has already been filled for a month now.
"Look, last night, those space people asked me to go with them. Ten minutes later, my best friend told me I could resign from being myself and start over, doing whatever, being whatever, and both times, I said no. This, the team, Iron Man, protecting the Earth — this is what I do. It's what I am. But I know that, Barnes, I chose that. You don't have to choose this if you don't want to. No one would blame you for wanting to raise goats for the rest of your life, and if they do, then they should fuck off and mind their own business. You've had a lifetime of HYDRA telling you what to do, you don't need that now."
Barnes looks uncomfortable for a few seconds, looking down and away.
"Steve—"
"Steve doesn't own you," he snaps, more angrily than he intended to, "If he went after you and imploded his own life to do it, that's on him, not you. You didn't ask him to, and I'm sure you wouldn't have asked if you could either. Those were his choices, Barnes. Make your own now, but not for him."
He waits a little longer, and when Barnes seems content to just stare at the floor between them, Tony shrugs the awkwardness off and turns back to his designs — he's lost some weight with the getting younger thing, and he'll have to redesign some stuff with the nanites and think about testing it out soon. Tony gets lost for a few minutes, and startles a bit when Barnes's voice sounds beside him again.
"When you said Wanda volunteered…" he trails off, and Tony glances at him sideways before scratching his head quickly.
"A Stark Industries missile hit her building. Killed her parents, left her and her brother stranded in there until rescue came, hours later. She was a kid, she was scared, and hurt, and angry, and HYDRA preys on that."
"But she volunteered," he says again, as if confirming it, and Tony takes a second to look at him before nodding.
"Yeah. She volunteered."
"And you still took her in, and put her in your team."
"No," he says, going back to studying the screens around him, trying very hard to keep his voice light, "Steve took her in, and let her in the team. Actually, Barton did that, and no one corrected him, so. She did help us fight Ultron."
"Wasn't she the one who helped create that thing?"
Tony just stares at him for a moment, before sighing.
"Please don't kill the resident witch."
Barnes snorts at that.
"I won't."
"Because you won't be around to do it?" he risks asking, seeing that Barnes is getting up to leave.
The other man stops and stares at Tony for a long moment, before shaking his head.
"Nah, just not worth the effort."
He takes off with a small smile to Tony, and he turns back to his work — machines. At least these he can understand easily enough.
