Chapter 2

Your memory feels like home to me.

So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds it's way back to you.

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Sam's POV

Two months ago…

You are in your room, silently staring at the fan on the roof as it moves in circles, trying to distract yourself from the fact that your big brother is gone. You miss his typical morning routine, that basically consists of him asking you how many pancakes you want for breakfast, or teasing you because you woke up at 6 AM to jog, seeing you sweaty and "smelly" as soon as you come back home. Now that you're thinking about it, you don't even remember the last time you eat properly, or even went for a run. You are just not interested on doing the things you loved to do anymore. Dean is out there, not being able to control his own body, probably desperate to come back home to you, mom, Cass and Jack. You know that trying to think about something else is not gonna work for more than five minutes, no matter how hard you try,so you found a strategy that is not great but it helps a lot these days. Alcohol is the only friend you want around, mainly because it doesn't ask any questions, it doesn't look at you with sadness or feels sorry for you. It's there for you when you need it the most, and when you drink too much of it, the endless days without a trail to find Dean become shorter and easier to endure. Cass, Mary and Jack have given up on telling you to stop drinking. A part of you is glad they did, but another part of you wishes Dean would come home and give you a parental talk about being sober, even if he'd do the same thing if you were the one out there, scared and alone. He'd tell you to get out and do something, anything but staying in your room all day. You're sure that he'd even tell you to get a chick, get laid and enjoy the ride. You have the Impala now, but it's Dean's most precious thing, and in the state you are in, you could crash it. When he comes home, he has to see her in a good shape. Sometimes you sleep in baby, sensing the smell of Dean's deodorant on the front sit. It's pretty comforting when you want to be alone and, sometimes, cry while holding another beer in your hand.

Jack tries to help you, he really tries everything he can. Sometimes you forget that he's just a kid after all. He's got some sort of darkness inside him, just like you, but he decided to fight the good fight. He chooses to see himself as a person that can get better, not counting on his powers to destroy Lucifer or Michael no more. You've been pushing him away whenever he wants to talk about Dean. Just by saying his name, your world falls apart one more time. The situation reminds you of Jess. You remember dreaming about her, looking away when Dean told you what Jess would want you to do. Dean is not dead though. He is gonna be okay. You will make sure of that. He's saved you when you were turning into a "monster", and even went to hell for you. You freaking owe him a lot more than you know, and it's time to repay the debt for a change.

Your mind can only focus on the very last time you saw your brother, allowing to be possessed by an Archangel, to save your ass as usual, right? You were always a pain the ass little brother to him, yet, he still loves you. He didn't necessarily said it, but you know it. Because of the way your father taught you to be, showing your feelings is a sign of weakness, and being a hunter requires to be strong, sharp and brave. You kinda failed at it, but you don't care about it if Dean's not here with you. John's dead, so he can't tell you who you have to be anymore. It's time to be honest to yourself now. If John told Dean to kill you, he had a pretty good reason to say it. You're a failure. Always have been.

You are the one that caused all of this, and if dying is the price to pay, you're willing to accept it as long as Dean and the ones you love are safe at home, away from the Archangel Michael and its plans to "purify" the world. That word makes a noise in your head, specially during the night. If Michael hurts or kills someone while wearing Dean's body, he will feel guilty as hell. He wouldn't show it, but you know your brother, as much as he knows you. There has not been estrange deaths or anything related to angels, so you supposed that Michael is not causing chaos just yet.

You look at your night table, taking another shot of whiskey, knowing that it will do the effect that you need. Passing out seems to be the right thing to do right now. Four or five shots later and before you are aware of it, your closing your eyes and lost consciousness.

You have had the same nightmare every single night for the past three weeks now. When you drink, it feels more real, and waking up is more difficult than normal…

You're running in the forest in the middle of the night, chasing after Dean, that's ahead of you. You call his name until you're out of breath, but he does not turn around to see you, as he'd do in a normal situation. Even though you're tired,your legs keep moving, and your throat hurts.

You lose sight of him, and that's the point where the dream becomes even scarier. You hear his voice calling you, but it's not Dean the one that's talking back. In the middle of the dark, you kneel and take a breath. You can't run anymore, but Dean is still out there. You gotta find him.

"Giving up so soon on me again, little brother? I thought that you wanted me back in your life. Maybe you'll hit another dog and meet a girl that does not deserve to have you in her life" says Michael, taunting you.

You don't answer, deciding that you're not gonna give the Archangel the pleasure of a pathetic answer. He's won.

"Don't worry, Sammy. Your big brother is here for you. I am gonna take care of you, like I always do. You're an abomination, but I can't change the dirty blood of yours. Or can I?" asks Michael, this time appearing in front of you with its piercing blue eyes glowing in the dark. The angel throws a fist towards your jaw, sending you to the ground. You are still seeing stars, however, your body stands back up. Every movement you do is blocked by Dean, and before you wake up, he takes an angel blade and says with an evil grin on his face

"I should have done this a long time ago, but you cannot change your destiny. Here's the big moment… Goodnight, Sam"

You can't see yourself dying, but you are pretty sure he kills you every time. So many things you could have done differently… Every single choice that you took contributed to destroy the life of your loved ones…

A few hours later, maybe, you hear a knock on your door, that does not help with the headache you earned.

"Sam, can I come in? We need to talk" says Cass from the other side of the door. You want to be alone. Why can't he understand that? Your mouth stays shut, as you hear Castiel calling your name again, this time clearly worried about you. Perhaps he thinks that you choked on alcohol and died. You kinda wish that would happen…

It's pathetic to even think about it, but every little thing reminds of Dean. He would knock on your door, and if you didn't respond, he would open the door anyway. He would push you off the bed, draw a little smile on your face, make sure that you're okay.

"I'm gonna open the door, okay?" says the angel, as is he were talking to a toddler.

"Any leads?" you ask, bot even bothering to be polite or look at him.

"Um… No, unfortunately we haven't heard any news of him yet. We will find him though. Your mother is worried about your health, Sam. We all are. Are you hungry? I can cook something for you, if you want me to. Perhaps, some bacon, or a burger?" answers Castiel, looking at you with sad eyes.

Just by hearing the name of food, your weak stomach feels sick. You barely crawl in time towards the sink of your bedroom, before all the amount of alcohol you consumed and small snacks you ate yesterday are out of your system.

Cass stays still, unsure of what to do. Dean would rub your back, telling you that everything would be okay. It's stupid, but you need those words to feel safe. You feel so empty and numb…

When you cannot stay upright any longer, Castiel helps you walk towards your bed, where you curl up like a scared and lost kid, waiting for his hero to save him…

Cass leaves after several minutes, and all you can do is sob once you're alone. You're a walking mess, and no one is gonna repair you this time. Perhaps it's time to grow up and be as strong as Dean is. That will happen later though , because all you can do is take an aspirin and close your eyes again.

TBC...

Author's Note: THANK YOU GUYS FOR ALL THE NICE REVIEWS! I am so happy and excited to share this new chapter with y'all! If you enjoyed it and want me to continue, leave a review ?

See ya soon! Would you like to read Michael's POV in the next chapter? Maybe Dean can fight to take control of his body! So many things can happen! ?