Long chappie! Well compared to the others. Be sure to leave your feedbacks below each chapter! I would really appreciate to know who are the people reading the chapter. ;)
DISCLAIMER: I WISH I own Hunter X Hunter. :D
…
CHAPTER 18: Confessions
When one looked at the history of things, there was sometimes that one event that marked the starting point of it all; The type of instances where one would think: Ah..., it all started then.
For Killua, he would always wonder when exactly he fell for Gon. It wasn't love at first sight, but he was certain he had feelings for her not too far after. He wondered if her drool had some sort of love potion in its genetic make-up.
The thought made him smile. But then that pained expression she made—because of him—flashed before his eyes, and the reality that Gon was actually mad at him hit him as if it was like logs he couldn't carry. The sad part was that he was too shaken to avoid any of them.
He had been so… happy prior to that. How fickle circumstances were. And his fears did get real: now that he knew what the height of happiness felt like, he could only go down. And he was going down quickly.
And, when did this all start? He asked himself, anger ever growing inside him. Gon hates him now…
"Onii-chan… I've been looking for y—"
Something twitched inside of him at the sound of her voice and, judging by her sudden stiffness, she could tell by his aura. The aura of hostility.
"I will never go back to the estate." He claimed, as if it was what she approached him for. He maintained his glare directed at the grass below him. "And you wouldn't be able to force me."
"That's not the only—" Kalluto paused, likely intimidated, before lifting her chin up defiantly. "You should calm down if you want a decent conversation."
"You come barging in my life expecting a decent conversation?" He snapped. "What are you planning by following me here, then? Can't you see you're ruining everything?"
Kalluto opened her mouth to explain, but she couldn't. Her brother was too much into turmoil. She didn't know what happened but she knew it had something to do with a girl—Bisuke?—that same person who made him make such a soft expression a while back.
And then, in her silence, he disappeared in front of her again. It took her a long moment to realize he walked away from her. She would've been embarrassed if it the simple act wasn't heartbreaking.
And so Kalluto, for the second time in her life, gave out a wounded expression.
The sadder part was that the first one happened when he left the first time.
…
Killua ended up somewhere in the freshman building again—to where he sensed Gon's presence only a few moments prior—insides swelled up by a mix of annoyance and hope.
At the back of his mind, he knew it was disgraceful—to vent it all out on Kalluto, but for the most part he didn't really care. Everything went downhill when she and that Bloodsworth woman came to the picture, after all.
He was about to turn at a corner when someone spoke. "There are many differences between us."
Killua whipped his head towards him. Something in Killua's eyes darkened as he stared at Feitan, who seemed to have just been standing idly by the window sill when he arrived there. "Being this pitiful is one of them."
Judging by the distance as well as how loud his voice probably was, Feitan probably heard him snap. But he wasn't about to get looked down upon by someone who did not know him.
"What do you know—" He said without toning down his antagonism. "You don't have a twisted family that ruined everything good happening to you before it even happened."
There was a short pause then and Killua wondered if he hit a nerve. With Feitan, one couldn't just tell with his facial expression: he always looked annoyed. But then he realized Feitan looked calm—almost like he was looking at a child who didn't know what he was doing.
Killua almost calmed down when he realized that the 'child' was him.
"Blaming your misfortune on others…" Killua's eyes widened—there was something about being told these things by someone whom you acknowledged as an equal. "That's pitiful in on another level entirely."
"Why you—"
"Don't show your childishness to me. As your rival, it is demeaning."
Killua's stance softened immediately and he straightened up, never taking his eyes off the shorter man. At some point, it began to make him feel humiliated—as he should. "Why am I even talking to you?"
But as he turned away, Feitan mumbled something new. "Another difference is that she had always known my feelings."
It felt like a train was crashing through his chest.
He didn't move, tilting his head almost robotically to face him again. "...how?"
"I told her." He said as a matter-of-factly. Somehow he had a gut feeling that it happened when she chose him instead of Feitan.
The insecure part of him began wondering why she even did that in the first place. Considering how he was reacting to everything, he wondered if he was more of a man—even when Feitan was being more talkative than usual.
What got to him most was that the words he had been struggling to utter to Gon—Feitan managed to say so effortlessly.
He decided he should really stop talking to him.
…
Feitan mentally glared at himself for being so talkative. The silver-head had a way of negatively going under his skin. He was calmed down when a figure emerged from the corner Killua almost took earlier. His eyes softened at the girl who asked him for the favour.
"Thank you." She said, eyeing the skies outside behind it. It was dusk. "You didn't have to… tell him that last one though."
His actions could've gone either way—that guy would've embraced his inferiority and leave Gon, or he'd be inspired to finally confess. But at the moment it felt like the right thing to say—to shake him, because he was being utterly childish it was grating his nerves.
It was demeaning to lose to a person like that.
"Are you sure you're not confusing infatuation with pity?" He asked, very seriously. And after staring at him, she shook her head.
"Pity wouldn't make you feel like this." She claimed, even touching the part of her chest where her heart was to make her point. She was both sensitive and insensitive and it made him frown.
Because at that point he was already pretty sure that warm look would never be directed at him.
"So why run away and hide from him?"
"I didn't want to face him yet." She mumbled. "You're so brave…, you probably wouldn't understand."
"You'd be surprised to know how many times I considered avoiding you entirely."
"EH?" "But I—"
Feitan looked at her. How unfortunate that she simply couldn't imagine him having the feelings that he had, directed towards her. She knew how he felt, but she did not understand. Seriously, he should stop making a fool out of himself and stop chasing after this woman.
But... looking at her—remembering too easily the things that shook his apathetic guise—he wondered how he'd do that.
"If I'm going to get dumped twice… I guess I better do it so you'll be as bothered as I was." He said, facing her, and tilting his head down. Gon didn't know how to respond and only looked at him. "Just one."
"Eh?"
She didn't feel pressure on her lips—she was relieved—but her heart skipped a beat when she felt his lips on the spot above her cheek: on her eyelids.
"Good bye Gon." He said and they had a silent understanding of what he meant. He'd need to keep his distance if he wanted any chance of moving on.
Gon, believing he will be able to move forward, gave him a smile in response. "See you soon."
…
Killua went back to where he yelled at Kalluto and saw she was still there, where he sat, leaning down dejectedly. Her form was illuminated by the crimson skies, it would've been a beautiful sight if a new wave of guilt had not surged through him.
Hearing his footsteps, she slowly lifted her head up. He never saw Kalluto look so… sad before. He never actually noticed his own sister—the only one sister in fact, at least biologically—show anything other than an impassive expression.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you." He said, rather stingily. "I was just stressed out."
"Because of who?"
"…a lot of people."
There was awkward silence that occupied the space between them for a while but, both being used to quiet, neither really minded.
"I didn't want to bring you back—I wanted to follow your footsteps." She said, eventually, to break it. Killua raised an eyebrow at that.
"What?"
"I didn't have the courage to do something myself, so I never did until Nerys—" She paused and heaved a soft sigh. "I'm sorry."
He stared at her for a while, that bubbling feeling of amusement finding its way in his stomach. "Cowardice runs in the family," he told her, this time with a small smile gracing his face. "At least it's a new common ground."
Kalluto's eyes widened a little at the expression and she almost wondered if Alluka was behind her because he was the only sibling Killua would show that face to. Then, she froze. Alluka.
"W-We have Alluka with us." Killua blinked at this, albeit he wasn't surprised. Ah, Alluka, he mused. The only brother Killua liked—and treated as a sister, despite it was this one who was the only female. And also another one of the little common ground that Killua would be willing to discuss with her.
He looked impassive for a while—calculating—until she noted the change in his stance and she could tell he was even more stressed out than he let out. "I thought so," was all he heaved out. "How is she?"
"She's staying at the apartment." "Nerys will probably be with Alluka later." He flinched at this. "You better be prepared."
"Where?"
"I'll tell you if you tell me how it is before we arrived." Kalluto said firmly. She wondered what he meant by ruining everything—he and Bisuke, despite their incompatibility and lack of chemistry (was that what people called it?), seemed to get along well.
"There is someone I like…" He paused at the understatement, but didn't correct himself. "I was afraid the family would do to her once they found out."
Kalluto's eyebrows furrowed for a second, and her head flinched a little at a realization. When she was certain, her natural impassive face returned. "I'm guessing Bisuke isn't the person."
Her brother's mouth made a thin line, obviously regretting what he just said. Kalluto didn't want her brother to be so guarded around her. What can a girl do to gain her own brother's trust?
"Go to her." She said with an actually audible intonation than usual. "The girl you like." She paused at this, and she realized she truly wanted to meet the woman who changed her brother. "I'll be waiting somewhere and we'll go to Alluka together."
Her brother didn't react immediately, as if waiting for her to say something that would take her proposal back. But she never did and he surprised her by giving her that smile again.
"Thank you."
…
Kalluto found Feitan sitting on the balustrade, the one that divided the arcaded walkway with the landscaping next to the structures—one feet on the marble, the other hanging. She was walking around, to calm herself, as she waited for her brother to do what he wished.
Kalluto lifted herself to sit on the elevated marble surface, closing her eyes to feel its coldness, and didn't say anything.
Turning around, she looked at the air in front of her, eyes ending to the spot she had just been in a few minutes prior. She didn't realize they could be seen from there. In any case, she decided to passively watch as the sun's light slowly disappeared for the day. It was kind of fitting really, considering how she and this guy looked like at the moment.
"We're kind of pitiful." He said, echoing her thoughts, and keeping his eyes on the plants below them.
A light sardonic smile graced her feminine features. "Yes." She whispered back. "Yes, we are."
…
On another side of the campus, a certain Ice Queen sat alone in the middle of the clearing again, practicing her Ten. Training was cancelled because everyone had things to deal with. She didn't realize it was twilight until she began to feel the cold evening breeze.
"Walker-san?" She flinched immediately at the sound of his voice but this time, rather than ignoring him (how that turned out she didn't want to remember), she opened her eyes to look at him impassively. Or rather, look beyond him as she was facing him because—really—she did not want to see him.
The caveat in her head lately was that, when it came to him: ignoring meant embarrassment.
She remembered many of the female students pretended to be troubled to spend time with him. She pushed the familiar feeling of annoyance at seeing the queue all the way to the back of her head.
"Hello new councillor." She said, focusing on that small patch of bandage on his head. "…assuming you were ever really the school president, did you demote yourself?"
"I'm still the president." He responded, smiling that usual smile of his. "I just thought I could take a new job and all. Oh and…" He bent his head in a way to make sure his eyes were in her line of sight. This made her eyes to widen. "I'll appreciate it if you actually look at me when I speak to you, Walker-san."
She frowned. She couldn't afford to look at him. It didn't make sense—how could the school president look at her the same way her father did to her mom? Like Killua or Feitan to Gon?
Or maybe it was just her imagination. Hence, at that possibility, she gathered the courage to look at him.
Doki
She looked away again.
"Mah." He said with a shrug, sitting beside her. "I'm glad we're having a civilized talk."
She blushed at embarrassment. It was true, she had been irrational—running out on the school president out-of-nowhere. But there was something about him that made her act so childishly.
He looked at the sky and smiled. She raised an eyebrow.
"Ah~ We're actually watching the clouds together." He let out a chuckle. "Oh wait. It's the stars this time."
She didn't say anything after that.
…
'What are you planning?' She thought after a while of silence. She simply did not understand this man.
"Zenny for your thoughts?" He asked, without taking his eyes away from the sky.
She really wanted to ignore him and go back into meditating, but she went against it. Something worse was bound to happen if she chose to do so. "Why did you suddenly become the guidance councillor?"
She refused to believe it had something to do with their little exchange under the rain.
And whichever case it was… she realized it softened her guard a little.
"I wanted to be closer to the students." He said, almost politically. "And now that all the seminars and conferences are over for the season, I have time." Then, he tilted his head to face her. "You do not believe me?"
"I find it difficult to." Ah, how rude she was. "You shouldn't expect everyone to believe everything you say."
"I don't." He said with sternness that, to her chagrin, made her head turn to him. Her eyes widened at his expression. He wasn't lying—he really didn't expect everyone to believe him.
But he was hoping that she would.
She turned her head back down and closed her eyes. Surely she was jumping to conclusions—she couldn't possibly know what this old man was thinking.
"What's wrong?" He asked, not even touching her, but the sound and tone of his voice made her wince. It was displeasingly soothing.
"Do you treat all your students like this?"
"Just you." He said—was he flirting with her?—and he was obviously eyeing her to see her reaction. She steeled herself.
"You seem particularly shameless today. What happened?"
"Nothing new." He gave her a soft smile then—very unlike the smiles he gave the other students—as if just being there made him especially happy.
She couldn't even tell if he was disingenuous, a part of her knew he was otherwise. But her head did not agree.
One of the things Kurapika hated was this sort of uncertainty—her life already had too much of that—like she was walking on uneven ground, not even knowing where she was going. She'd rather rush to stable ground and work out the details (and consequences) from there.
So she composed herself and turned her head to him, making him flinch a little. "Are you flirting with me?"
"…what?"
He looked genuinely startled. Although, as with her case, it was hard to notice. He looked away then, and she could swear that small hint of red creeping up his cheek, and—to her chagrin—it made her blush a little. She only hoped it was too faint for anyone to notice.
But he did notice, and he somehow regained composure because of it. This bastard, she told herself, and he looked at her—wearing that blasted look on his face whenever he was facing her—and asked: "What makes you think so?"
She looked back at him then, almost looking away under his gaze, although ended up marvelling at how much she could ultimately steel herself. Looking at him now, with as much objectivity she could muster, she had an inkling feeling he had no idea he was looking at her like that.
Finally, she opened her mouth. "The way you look at me."
And she was right. She saw his surprised face again, but this time much longer than the one she saw before… the night of the ball. He turned his eyes away, probably to think of a counter, or an excuse, and his hand found itself on the back of his neck, nervous.
If she didn't distrust him so much, she would've found the sight cute.
The faster-than-usual beating of her heart was definitely inconclusive. At least that's what she told herself.
An awkward silence followed, and she had this sense of pride at the fact that she finally made him stutter. And people were most vulnerable when they were nervous. She needed to take advantage of this.
"You do not look at the other students that way."
"Oh, you noticed?" He spat back, and despite his attempts to be composed as usual—she heard the little crack in his voice. It allowed her to ignore the own nervousness and surprise that was occupying her own senses.
"I'm very observant." And considering her exiguous confidence in him… "Especially towards people I do not trust."
"You still distrust the school president?"
"Are you the type who liked making people repeat themselves?"
"How impertinent." He said, but it was absent of the normal hostile tone that was associated with the word. It made her feel a little guilty—but as always, she fought through it like she always had when it came to him. Her eyes ended up on his forehead.
"If you show me what's behind the bandage, I might... change my mind." She said guardedly, not really knowing what she was expecting—or hoping for that matter. "It should be a small scar by now right? Surely you aren't childish enough to be bothered by scars."
"Are you serious?"
He only stared at her, this time more guardedly and she realized she regretted telling him what she saw. She blinked at that thought. It bothered her even more. She looked at him firmly, to show him that she was actually serious.
"If you promise not to run."
"I do." She said, and her heart fell a little at that. Why would he need her to promise that? Was it that hideous a scar?
Or was it what she feared—or was this anticipation—to finally find the man behind her suffering?
It all happened very slowly, and it made her already-quick heart rate to sound like it went even faster. She watched the muscles under his button-up strain as he round of bandage detached one by one. And finally, his forehead was revealed.
"YOU—"
And as she promised—she really didn't run.
Instead, her eyes whipped from cerulean to red and she sprinted from a seiza to an attacking position without warning—grabbing his neck with much force Kuroro could only manage to stay seated.
Kuroro looked down at her, barely breathing. At least she didn't run away, he thought. He'd be amused if she didn't actually have a chance in actually killing him.
"Listen to me—"He chocked out but Kurapika was not going to have any of that. All she saw was red—in all senses of the term.
"You bastard."She said and tightened her grip at his throat. If there was another part of her—the usual Kurapika—that was watching her, that other Kurapika would be surprised at how much bloodlust she was keeping away under her calm façade.
Kuroro saw this.
But most of all: he understood it.
His arm found its way under the arm holding his neck and with just enough force, he pushed it up the air. His other hand quickly took her arm, and the other touched her collarbone and pushed in an attempt to immobilize her. She reflexively used her thigh to kick him—he was impressed by the strength—but it, along with making his leg immobilize hers, only made him use a little more force than he had intended.
Doki
Both their eyes widened at the realization. Too close.
With his hand on her hands, legs against leg, breath against each other's skins…
He ended up pinning her to the grass.
…
Gon heaved a sigh as she caught sight of her house. It had been a long day, after all, and she could really use some rest.
However, just as she stepped on her house's front porch, about to enter the key, she felt his presence some distance away. She stiffened before turning her whole body, only to realize—a bit too late—that he was now less than a meter away—panting and sweaty from the rush.
She could hear her heart beating steadily, yet loud enough that she could hear it. She stared at him, and he—as he tried to catch his breath—returned her gaze with even stronger vehemence.
However, as Killua opened his mouth…, nothing seemed to come out. The only thing he could do was to look at her pleadingly. It was only until she walked to him and held his cheek when words resembling a series of croaks came out. "I'm sorry."
"I was never mad at you." She smiled, her hand sliding down from his cheek to his palm. Even his palm was sweaty, but their hands entwined effortlessly. "I was only disappointed—especially when you lashed out on Kalluto."
"You were there?"
She shook her head. She wasn't. "I was there when you were talking with Feitan."
Can his self-worth go even lower?
How was he supposed to tell her explicitly how he felt when he kept feeling like he didn't even deserve to have his feelings returned?
"A-Ah…" was all he could utter, feeling the numbness of his hands. The only thing he could move that moment was his head. He leaned down—as if he was lacking the energy to face up—and ended up placing his head on her shoulder. "I acted so childishly." He managed to say. "How embarrassing…"
With her free hand, she stroked the back of his head re-assuredly. "We're kids." She said. "We're supposed to be childish.
"Besides—they do say you only grow old when you stop being a child." Then to his surprise, she chuckled. "I'm sure you don't want to be called an old man." And her hands paused to pat his head to make her point. "With your white—I mean silver—hair and all…"
He smiled in spite himself, but the humiliation resurfaced too quickly. "Feitan was right though—blaming my predicament on others is weak and despicable."
She let some air pass between them, because she knew Killua needed to breathe. After a while, she opened her mouth to speak. "Mito-san once said to me that when you blame others you are affirming you have no power." She went on before he could say anything. "…that your existence is a mere reaction to their power."
He lifted his head and stared at her. How ironic that Gon—who everyone would assume to be the most childish person in her age bracket—ended up acting like the most mature every time the situation called for it.
She did not deserve the drama he kept pulling her into. She deserved better.
But he decided that if he were to push himself towards her, she'd have to get a better version of him.
He stared at her intently, trying to think of what to say—but then she blushed under his gaze, and he found his thoughts stuttering and thrown out a moment later.
"When I first met you I already knew you were beginning to pick down my walls," he told her, scratching his head as a nervous tick. "And yet... before I knew it was already torn down—completely and irrevocably.
"Now if I were to put it back up again," he inhales, as if he was doing just that. "It'll be to keep you in."
Her eyes widened a little, and she said nothing. Killua scratched his cheek a bit more nervously, looked down, and looked at her again. "You..." He breathed out, holding her hands. "You know what that means... right?" Blushing further—he could almost see how it was reaching farther parts of her face—she nodded.
"I know you're a strong woman." He went on. "That's why—all I've done… it's not about your weaknesses." "It is mine."
Without taking his eyes away, he continued on. "I also know that there will be obstacles—dangerous ones, along with the disparity between our families: Mine criminals, yours of the law."
"But for now please settle with the 'me' now." At that point he could barely feel his face. It felt like it was burning. "Because I will become stronger. So—"
Something felt like it was stuck inside his throat, and his stomach dropped in despair. Was he really going to chicken on now?!
"Killua." Gon interrupted his monologue of despair. His eyes met hers—bright, shy, and warm—and his eyes widened. "Go out with me."
.
.
END OF CHAPTER 18
Coming Soon:
CHAPTER 19: Overwhelmed
REPLIES TO ANGELS
Grandpamuffin – The feels are hurt?! Well, hope this chap heals them, then! *wiggles eyebrows* Oh, and thx for reviewing!
Dragonbooks249 – Thank you for the review! Haha. Glad you liked how things turned out and looool. What's wrong with being a sap?! Sappiness BANZAAAIIIII! And kiss? Sure. xD Soon.
SlightlyYandereMelissa – Ok, Mel-chan~ Thank you for reviewing! ;D And haha—oh ye Killua-baka baka baaaka! Let's all hope he chooses the smart moves from now on. Lelele
Elezan Tress – (ch12) yay! Glad you love this story! I hope that love won't diminish (esp with my horrendous update rate) and thx for the review~
Phoenix-Thunder – Oh yes, drama! xD Thischap is (hopefully) lighter and more fun and glad you like the chapter! Thank you, as always, for being so supportive and do enjoy this chapter!
Fingesofbone – This is late, but, good job on your exams! *fighting!* And hahah glad you like the way I write Kalluto! It's a challenge I had fun with. Thx for reviewing btw!
Leofrick – Hihihihi. Glad the story captured your interest! I'll do my best not to lose it..., and thank you for reviewing, kabayan!
AngelKitty27 – Oh my—spicy?! I imagine perverted things lolololol. Anyway, I hope things remain as exciting, and thanks for reviewing!
Riri – Awww, don't apologize. We all hate Nerys. Haha. Anyway, more KilluaGon moments? Your wish is my command. ;) And thx for the comment!
Guest [Aug 25 2015] – (ch11) Ok! xD are their moments this chap satisfactory? Shall I add moar? Hahah. Thx for reviewing btw!
Crazykitkatty – (ch11) Cool! Feitan's your no. 1? That's rare. And it's awesome. Will do more things to highlight him them. ;D (ch17)Hi! Welcome back. Glad you liked the chap. Hope you enjoy this one as well. And thanks for the reviews!
Laine Klein – (ch16) IKR. Gotta love catfights. So long as the main lead isn't involved. Hahahah. Thanks for the comment by the way~! xDD
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AS ALWAYS, THANK YOU FOR READING!
Hope you enjoyed. ( :D
And I would be sooo happy and inspired if I get
to hear from everyone!
