Cripes! It's been eons since the last chapter! I hope my loyal fans haven't forgotten me!
Freddy: They sure have forgotten about you! You suck!
Synn: (glues Freddy's mouth shut) What have I told you about speaking out of turn?
Freddy: MMMmmmph! MMMMPH! (Turns blue from lack of oxygen)
Synn: What am I doing? There's a better way to scare him! (makes Freddy's mouth become unglued)
Freddy: Hah! There's nothing that can scare me!
Synn: I've heard rumors of a Nightmare on Elm Street remake!! Your trusted portrayer Robert Englund won't be casted as you!
Freddy: (Gapes at Synn as his jaw hits the ground) NOOOOOOO! Robert Englund did me the best! Who the hell are they going to cast now?
Synn: Well, Robert DeNiro did a good job as Frankenstein's monster! Or even better...maybe Jim Carrey or Steve Carrell?
Freddy: (faints at the thought of Jim Carrey portraying him)
Ash: Uhh on with the story! (Pulls Freddy's unconscious body out of the room)
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, so don't try and sue me!!
As we all know, since the Friday the 13th remake is in theatres, A Nightmare on Elm street remake is also in the works...lets see how Freddy deals with it!
Ash stood in the messy living room, groaning in distaste over the amount of cleaning up he had to do as a result of Jason's Birthday party. Wrapping paper and dead bodies were strewn across the floor. (Author's note: I know one of the rules was that killing was forbidden but the stipulation was only for Freddy since the censors were deathly afraid of Jason)
"Stupid Freddy the screwhead" Ash grumbled to himself as he piled the corpses in the corner "Did he have to invite the surviving victims to this place?"
After sweeping up the wrapping paper and scattered limbs from the floor, he began to mop up the partially dried blood. As he wrung out the mop, the doorbell rang.
"Now who can this be?" Ash grumbled, opening the door. Much to his chagrin, a familiar looking middle aged blonde man stood there.
"Welcome to the Horror House" Ash mumbled, trying to remember who he was.
"Yes" the blonde man said "I need to talk with Freddy...it's urgent!"
"Hold on, bucko" Ash said, eyeing the urgent man "Who might you be?"
"You dumbass!" the man spat out "I'm Robert Englund! I need to see Freddy right now!"
"Very well" Ash said, letting him inside "I will go fetch him....FREDDY!!! GET YOUR BURNT ASS DOWN HERE!"
Freddy appeared, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.
"What the hell" he roared "What the hell do you fucking want?"
"Hello, Freddy" Robert said, walking up to his character "There is an urgent matter we need to discuss"
"Oh?" Freddy inquired, yawning "Now what can that be?"
"They're remaking our movies" Robert said, watching Ash as he strutted back into the living room to resume mopping.
"WHAT?!!!"
"I know...people are remaking everything nowadays" Robert said, choking back a sob "The worst part is that I won't be portraying you anymore"
"WHAT?!!" Freddy roared in a voice that was loud enough to wake up the rest of the household "Who will be playing me now?"
"I...I don't know" Robert replied "So many A-list names are in the works...they might be going with Jim Carrey or Steve Carrell...I perfected your character! They can't do this!"
Freddy remained silent, picturing Steve Carrell portraying him before letting out a little growl.
"I am not comic relief" Freddy growled "How can I scare the piggies when they have funnymen portraying me?"
"All I know is that some hopeful A-List actors are coming here later on to study your character" Robert said, handing him the Surreal Life newspaper "Whatever you do, don't kill any of them"
"Why me" Freddy groaned...
... Much later, the living room was full of A-list actors schmoozing with Freddy and the rest of the housemates. Among them were Johnny Depp, Gerard Butler, Tom Cruise and even Tommy Lee Jones.
Ash was busily serving the guests with a bit of help from Carrie and Angela while Freddy did his best to keep himself and Jason in line. Apparently Jason wasn't too happy with his remake either.
"So, Freddy" Tom Cruise said, following the dream demon around like a faithful dog "What would you say is the best part of being you?"
"The killings" Freddy replied with an evil twinkle in his eyes "Do you think you could portray a humble killer like me?"
"I can be anybody" Tom Cruise said, forcing a laugh "I'm one of the greatest actors that ever lived!"
"Well, Mission Impossible points out the opposite" Freddy said, barking out a laugh at his expense "Or maybe you'll be dancing in your undies as me too"
Tom Cruise turned red and hastily backed away.
"One down, several to go" Freddy laughed, taking Tom Cruise off his mental list.
"Ah, Freddy" said a drunken voice "There you are"
"Oh no" Freddy moaned, turning to face another A-list actor "Not Russell Crowe!"
"Hey, mate" the Aussie actor said, chugging a bottle of beer as he put his arm around Freddy "Do you think a bloke like me could play you?"
Freddy moaned.
"Only if you sobered up and dumped that bimbo you're married to" Freddy grumbled, smelling the alcohol on his breath.
"What did you just say, you bastard?" Russell Crowe yelled, breaking the empty bottle of beer before lunging at Freddy, who sidestepped him.
"Sorry, mate" Freddy said, grabbing him by the shirt collar "No phones around to protect you! Get out of here!"
With that, he threw Russell Crowe into a table of appetizers. He couldn't help but be satisfied by the sound of the crashing table.
"Two down, several to go"...
