BEHIND CLOSED DRAWBRIDGES: THE TRUTH ABOUT LIFE WITHIN THE WALLS OF HYRULE CASTLE

Esteemed socialite, political commentator, and popular author Lady Libra grants our readers exclusive access to the secrets of the Royal Court:

Considering the recent news of Her Majesty's passing, it seems only right that we begin by commemorating her life. She was, as many knew her, a generous and charitable monarch, a good-humoured and good-natured friend, and a loving and doting wife. However, her marriage to the King was…let's say, less than idyllic.

As I was formally invited to attend the Royal Court dinners regularly, I gained a privileged insight into the ups-and-downs of Royal marriage. Firstly, I noted that the chemistry between the couple appeared to be strangely lacking. Although they would sit side-by-side at dinner, they would barely converse or even make eye contact with each other. Now, as many of you know from my own autobiography, I am no marriage expert. Yet I believe the basis for a successful marriage is the open display of affection, even in the company of friends.

Cracks started to show when the two engaged in a full-blown argument at the dinner table. Her Majesty frequently pointed out the King's abnormally rude remarks towards his guests when His Majesty abruptly exploded into rage. He dismissed us all from the table and stormed off infuriated.

Speaking to my good friend Sir Victor shortly after the outburst, he confirmed that the King's behaviour was particularly confrontational and offensive, stating he was showing 'blatant disrespect' towards the handsomely-decorated Commander, and 'dishonour to his father'.

Another dear companion of mine, famous globetrotter Captain Cassida, spoke with me a few weeks later, after she was invited to attend afternoon tea with Her Majesty. Cassida explained that the two were enjoying each other's company in the Castle's Lounge area when they were rudely interrupted by His Majesty. At the mere sight of his guest, the King proceeded to erupt into rage, stating how she was 'not welcome'. Her Majesty boldly stood up for her friend, but the King refused to back down; his temper rising more-so, causing Cassida to flee from the scene.

'He appeared rather dishevelled, his skin pale and his eyes drawn.' Cassida told me. 'Nothing close to the man we once knew. I regret not staying to defend Her Majesty from his monstrous temper…'

Our outspoken Captain Cassida was not the only one concerned for the welfare of our beloved Queen. Another close acquaintance of mine, the charming and well-mannered Count Caedis, also expressed his worries to me:

'Her Majesty and I would often exchange letters. After their initial dispute, she shared with me her doubts and fears of her marriage lasting. But who could blame her? Could anybody uphold a marriage with a man with such an explosive temperament, so hellbent on isolating his wife from her closest friends and locking her away in the Castle forever more? It breaks my heart to think that her last days spent on this earth were tormented by her unhinged husband…'

From this account alone, I'm sure that most of us are in agreement that this man is unfit to rule our fair kingdom: disrespectful, dishonourable, disturbed and deranged. The Goddess only knows what kind of violence he inflicted upon his pregnant wife that day…

Impa refuses to read any further as she crumples the newspaper in her clenched fists. "And this has been published all over Castle Town?"

Imogen nods regretfully. Impa shakes her head and spits.

"How dare they paint His Majesty in such poor taste on the day of his wife's funeral! Victor talking of 'disrespect' and 'dishonour', Cassida depicting him as some kind of domestic abuser, Caedis insinuating that they were unhappy…those three scoundrels are the pits! And as for that evil swine Libra…no amount of money earned from this article will buy her dignity…"

"His Majesty will read this eventually and know the truth." Imogen assures her. "Action will be taken against these rotten rumours."

"Not if it doesn't break him first…" Impa mutters. She thrusts the paper into Imogen's arms and storms away into the sheet of rain.