Chapter 10

A/N: Thanks again for your feedback, I welcome constructive criticism as well as reviews.

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything CSI or related to it.

Reflections and Revelations.

Grissom had been eagerly waiting all week for Sara's correspondence.

He knew he was acting like a love sick fool, but he just couldn't help it, he missed her and this was his only connection to. Each time he had checked his email, he couldn't help the feeling of disappointment when there was nothing from her. He smiled to himself at the thought.

This last week had given him the opportunity to think about a lot of things.

Actually admitting that he was in love with Sara Sidle had been a big step for him. He knew that he had been denying it for far too long and in the process had hurt not only Sara but himself and everyone else he cared about. Finally admitting it had actually brought a form of relief.

He knew that he'd put his team through hell since Sara had left, particularly the last few months while he had been sick. He had to admit, he had not been thinking about anything other than the fact that she was gone and how much it hurt. He knew he had withdrawn from his friends, despite their attempts to help him and he sincerely regretted that.

He wondered when they had actually stopped trying to reach him.

As far as his health was concerned he truthfully had not noticed the decline. He had just thrown himself into work, until it had got to the point where he was actually unwell enough that he could no longer ignore it. Even if he hadn't been aware that he actually was ignoring it. Trouble is, by then he was so ill he'd ended up in hospital.

The team had been very supportive, despite how he had treated them and for that he would be eternally in their debt. He knew they had been protecting Sara by not telling him they were in contact, but now he realised that they had also been attempting to protect him. They really were his family, and thinking how badly he had treated each and everyone of them made him feel like the worst kind of ass.

He would try to make it up to them somehow, and give each and every one of them his sincere apology. Perhaps he could take them all out for a meal? Or better yet invite them here to his home.

His energy levels were returning to normal extremely slowly and that was one of his biggest frustrations. He was not used to sitting idle for long periods of time and especially hated the times when sleep seemed to sneak up on him, leaving him to wake stiff and sore after falling asleep at his desk or in the arm chair.

At times he wondered if he would ever regain his former energy levels and he had to admit that it worried him somewhat. What if he could never return fully to the field?

If he was truthful with himself, did he really want to? He had lost his enthusiasm for his job over the last six months, Though he realised a lot of that had to do with the absence of Sara; he couldn't help but wonder if he would ever regain it.

There had always been an eagerness about Sara, a dedication and commitment to finding the answers that often refreshed his own waning enthusiasm without him realising it was even happening. Now that she was no longer there, he was sure no-one else would be able to fulfil that task.

He hated the administrative duties, all that paperwork when he could have been engaged in much more worthwhile activities. The political aspect was even more distasteful and Grissom was the first to admit that he sucked at that side of his job. That's why he always handed the high profile cases to Catherine, even though it rubbed the other members of his team the wrong way more often than not.

If he decided not to continue in his position as supervisor, he knew that Catherine was more than ready to continue in the supervisory position permanently, and that was actually a source of relief, that if he left he would not be sticking his team with a stranger. The powers that be at the Lab would be happy to acquiesce to his request for Catherine to take over the nightshift; he knew that, they were well aware of his political ineptitude.

The more he thought about it the more he felt content with the idea of not returning to the Lab. That sort of surprised him a little, as he had always felt that his job was his life. He could still consult, keep his hand in, (so to speak), there was always research to do, articles to write. Maybe even write that book he had always intended to write. He knew he could lecture, universities all over the country still clamoured for him to teach, either entomology or forensics.

Yeah! He knew he could get by both financially and intellectually.

He sighed, realising that he had made the decision without really intending to and he actually felt ok with it. Perhaps, not only could he make a new start with Sara, but a new start with his life in general.

With his thoughts turned to Sara, he realised he had a lot of work to do to not only regain her friendship, but also her trust. He had let things go so far without realising just how bad their relationship had become. He should have been more supportive and less dismissive about those tough cases that seemed to affect Sara so badly. He knew the reasons why she reacted the way she did, but it had not modified his behaviour towards her. In fact he now realised that by keeping her off those cases that normally caused her problems, thinking he was protecting her, he had actually made it seem as though he questioned her ability as both a CSI and person, that he no longer trusted her.

Sara had always been so strong. That was one of the things that attracted him to her. But he had slowly chipped away at that strength he had always admired so much and turned her away from him and ultimately Las Vegas.

Yes, he certainly had a lot of mistakes to correct if he wanted to pursue any kind of relationship with Sara.

So it was with that thought in his mind that he opened the email.

It surprised him a little, with its content. At first he was a little taken aback with the lightness of the conversation, until he realised that it was probably what the conversation would have been like if they were talking over the phone or face to face.

His thoughts turned to the cold weather and he remembered snowy winters and cold nights in front of roaring fires with fondness. He resolved to go out later and buy something to send to Sara. A hat, scarf and gloves, or something, he'd have a look around to see what he could find.

As far as taking it slow, he was happy to go as slow as Sara wanted. He was just happy to be in contact with her and if talking about everyday things was the way it went he didn't mind.

It was funny, he thought, when he had asked if she knew how hard it was to forget, it hadn't even crossed his mind that it could possibly be as hard if not harder for her. He mentally kicked himself for not thinking that she had all of them to miss.

Damn! He was even making mistakes via email. He really was an idiot some times.

His thoughts turned to his team again and he resolved to phone and invite each of them for a meal when he was done here.

Clicking reply, he started to type.

Thirty minutes later he had finished and was happy with what he had written. He had decided that he would keep the light mood of her email, so he told her what he had been up to lately and answered her questions, he told her of his plans for the BBQ and that he would let her know how things went. He didn't tell her the reason, plenty of time for that.

Later that evening, when he felt his friends would be up he called each of them with an invitation to a cook-out at his place the following Saturday. Thankfully, despite the surprise of such an invitation, they had all agreed to come.

So, feeling more relaxed and content than he had for some time, Gil Grissom sat down to make a list of things to do and things to buy. He had already decided to tell them of his decision, but first he needed to see the Sheriff and hand in his letter of resignation.

This would be a busy few days, but he looked forward to it, seeing it as a new beginning, not an ending.