Title: Out
Rating: T, M in later chapters for sexual situations, language


Chapter Ten

Out

"Hey. Got a smoke?"

I fidget as Shino looks me over with weary eyes, eyes that somehow understand that my jittery nerves have reached the end of the line.

I sigh loudly. "Shino, look, I know we barely know each other. But I don't feel like pulling any crazy shit like stealing from you. So, just please. I need them."

The hallway rings with the sounds of laughter from the kids who jostle us, but I can't shake off the feeling of being alone. I keep staring at Shino, eyes begging, until he finally sighs and reaches into his backpack, pulling out one long, white stick, end curling from old age. I pocket it then stare pointedly at Shino. He sighs again then reluctantly digs through his backpack and comes up with a matchbook.

My hands almost shake from the warmth of these two familiar objects, but I don't care. Can't care. Fuck the Mansion.

Fuck everyone.

I abruptly leave Shino in the hallway, where he belongs. I swagger into my next class, boldly rolling the cigarette between my fingers. It feels right, but my fingers still itch from the strange familiarity. Each stream of smoke that flies from my lips makes me more comfortable, though, and it's not long before my hands stop trembling and the smoke starts calming. Some people in the classroom stare at me while others look on hungrily, eyes misting from the desire to feel that burning, habitual need.

But still, there are the few who are intelligent enough. Their pity is drenching. I'm lost.

"Look at that poor shit. Heard his friend got taken to the Island."

"Yeah, well, I heard he stayed in bed for a week. Don't blame him, though."

I grin, emptily, reveling in the attention. The more of a scene I made, the more I'd have a chance of being able to sink into that same desperation with Kiba. Suddenly, stealing the same fate as Kiba's had become my only reason to live.

He was the only reason I lived.

Sakura suddenly jumps in front of me, big forehead blocking my view. "Naruto! What are you doing, bringing in that.. that.." She points to the cigarrette burning in my hand. "That thing! It's against the rules! You'll get in trouble!"

I scowl. "I know."

"But why? Your first day in class for a WEEK, and you're smoking! Are you trying to get expelled?!"

Her concern irritates me.

"Go away."

She shakes her head, grim face unsettling me. "Naruto, this is more serious than I thought. You can't go on acting this way! I know what you're trying to do and it won't work."

"Shut up."

"Do you think he wanted this to happen? Do you really think Kiba-"

I can't stand it anymore. I abruptly stand up and snarl, cigarette ash flecking Sakura's surprised face.

"Kiba's dead. So get the fuck away from me before I do something stupid, like burning your ugly little face with my-"

"That's enough, Naruto."

Both Sakura and I turn our head to see Iruka at the front of the room, disappointment lining his face. His frown and cold glare tells me that he heard my outburst. The tone in which he speaks his next words is suspicious and cold.

"I expected better from you, Naruto. I really did." It hurts to look at the same face that used to show amusement and trust. "Having a cigarette on the premises is forbidden. I'll have to ask you to throw it out."

My only response is to coolly bring the cigarette to my lips once more and blow out the blessed smoke defiantly. The air is hazy and some of the more naive orphans around me are coughing. It feels good, reverting back to the past. I was made for this.

Iruka's eyes flash with warning. "Naruto-"

Knowing that I can't let him see the Naruto that he desperately wants to believe in, I lazily stretch, then lean over to touch shoulders with the nearest person sitting besides me. Sai looks unimpressed by my earlier behavior, completely unaware of his role in my simple plan. Without taking my eyes off of Iruka, I lightly grab Sai's arm. He jolts, surprised by the gentle touch, but my next movements are anything but.

In that split second, Iruka seems to have figured out what's inside my head. In that split second, I can almost imagine Kiba laughing next to me, face alive..

Fist clenching, breath faltering, I grind the tip of my cigarette into Sai's arm. I hear a small hiss escape from Sai that's drowned out by Iruka's furious yelling and Sakura's shrieks. Smirking, I lean back in my chair, satisfied to see the dusky burn mark coloring Sai's pale, pale skin. The red and black ash mingle, becoming a thorough work of art in the middle of chaos.

"THAT'S ENOUGH. EVERYONE QUIET!"

The room falls silent as everyone stares at the smug look on my face. Iruka's incensed.

"Get out of my classroom, Naruto. Your behavior is inexcusable."

Right before I step outside the room filled with frantic whispers, I hear Iruka's voice. Soft. Regretful.

"You know this won't bring him back."

I don't bother answering, because the words die on my lips.

But this will bring him closer to me.


On the second day, I steal. I steal all that I can. Time, the wasted night, my roommate's reason to live. Nothing slips past me. When the sun finally shines on my paint splattered clothes, I wince and quickly leave.

The entire day is composed of gossip and speculation that all land on my hands. So I'm not surprised when Kakashi approaches me during lunch.

"Really Naruto? 'The Mansion is a whore and Uchiha Sasuke its bitch?' I admit, the words make more of an impact when read in red paint on the wall, but really? It's such a crude and blatant catch phrase!"

I scowl, jutting my chin. Kakashi continues on, oblivious to the dark scent hoving above me.

"It was rough trying to translate your use of the English language, but I think I managed to convey the gist of it to Sasuke-san. He was not happy." He pauses and thoughtfully taps his chin. "It's a mystery how you managed to paint those words on every room in the Mansion. You must have had help. But something tells me that you're a one-man team. You work alone, don't you?"

I stay silent, knowing that my hair smells like guilt.

Kakashi plants himself next to me, eyes shining with a sly delight. "You really outdid yourself, Naruto. You thought of everything. Odorless paint, bobby pins to unlock every room, dark clothing. And the best thing is that you're still in trouble from pulling that stunt with the cigarette yesterday."

I roll my eyes and sigh. "I'm not in the mood for lectures, pervert-sensei. Just expel me already."

Chuckling, he waves a finger in the air. "Only Sasuke-san has the authority to expel students. But I can send you to the guy in charge of disciplinary actions. I think you're already met him."

I grunt. "Not interested."

"Well, I think he is. He's been keeping an eye on you and let's just say that he's not the guy to put up with your recent behavior.

I idly spoon the soup on my plate, trying to blink back bouts of drowsiness. How much longer did I have to do this? It doesn't matter though. I had all the time in the world.

Kiba didn't.

That wretched feeling pulls at the surface, controlling every sneer, every movement in my body. The soup in front of me ripples my haggard reflection. It's all I can do not to confuse what's real, what's helpless, what's desperation.

Kakashi finally tires of the silence and puts a heavy hand on my shoulders. I've lost faith, already.

"Naruto, are you all right?"

A simple question. But everything is falling apart, right in front of me.

"I should be expelled. Not him."

"Naruto-"

"I should be dead."

Kakashi has the decency to keep quiet, but my anger still simmers, threatening to boil and scald. My determination to live is replaced by the stronger wish of being reunited with the friend I had once lost six years ago.

"He was a part of me, old man. That's why I'm not going to stop."

The mask does its job well. I can't see my counselor's face or what he's thinking, only the eyes that stare at me evenly. For a second, though, I think he understands. Until he speaks.

"You're a coward."

I open my mouth but he goes on in that same pitiless voice.

"You view this as the last excuse to give up, so you push away help. You really think getting yourself expelled is the answer?"

My glare meets his furious eyes. "It's my fault he's in the Island. He never would have picked a fight if I hadn't told him about Orochimaru."

"And it's his fault he did what he did. You're making excuses to indulge in weak behavior. I thought you were stronger."

I'm so tired. It hurts to feel.

"So did I."


The third day, I bump into a stranger and start a classic fight. Before I'm hauled away by Kakashi, I'm sporting a broken nose, bloody ribs, and a black eye. The other boy wasn't so lucky.

"You almost killed him! What the hell is your problem?"

I wipe the blood from my lips and grin. "Am I expelled now?"

The look of disgust on Kakashi's face helps to emphasize his answer. "You and Jiraiya will get along just fine."


Walking into Jiraiya's office wasn't the problem. It was his greeting that caused the mayhem.

An hour later, I stop right in the middle of the room, trying to catch my breath and glaring at the white-haired man swinging on the chandelier above me. My broken nose is now gushing rivers of blood and I look down to see my arm pierced with darts.

That's right. Darts. As in hello-my-name-is-Jiraiya-let-me-throw-a-couple-of-darts-at-kids-who-walk-through-my-door.

"You fucking bastard!" I yell. "You know, none of this would have happened if you hadn't been such a dickwad. Who the fucking hell throws darts at their own students? You could have killed me!"

The old man jumps from the ceiling and walks calmly to his chair. He rummages through his desk until he comes up with some bandages and towels. I'm not prepared when he throws them in my direction and I oomph as they hit my gaping face.

"Here. Clean yourself up. You look like one of them bloody cows, right before they're up at the chopping block."

He makes a chopping gesture, then chuckles. I keep gaping.

"Aw, hell, don't tell me that you're still sore about the darts. You interrupted my game. See, take a look." He points to the board behind me which is a porcupine of darts. "I was on my tenth, tenth, 100, but you walked in and graciously accepted the dart. Your fault."

I wonder if how long it would take to kill this guy in front me, then dump his body in a dark, dark, very dark ditch somewhere.

"You like my room?"

I look up to see his cheesy grin and halfheartedly scan the room. Even though it's pretty dark, I can still make out the weights on the floor, the different array of weapons in some shady corner of the room, and.. and.. ugh.

"Yup. It's my very own porn collection. Been collecting it for some couple of years now, but feel free to dig through it whenever. Some of it has been collecting dust, especially those with the fishier names, but the rest are genuine. As I always say, it's the sexually repressed who are the most dangerous."

The porn seems relatively harmless, just a couple of magazines of buxom women and DVDs, but I'm still freaked out. Had Kakashi sent me to my death?

Suddenly, getting expelled doesn't seem so important. I sit down on a chair and try to quell the fear in my voice.

"Are you going to kill me?"

Jiriaya looks confused until he takes a look around the room and finally seems to notice the uncanny resemblance to a torture room. He grins then walks out of the room, motioning me to follow him.

"Wish I could, kid. From what I've heard, you've been stirring up all kinds of trouble. And for what? Some weak excuse about joining your friend in the Island and starting up a club full of sparkles and holding hand time!"

We reach a completely different room with open spaces, furniture with warm tones, and a plush carpet. The sun streams through a huge window and books line the walls, covering every single white spot. I instantly relax, but still keep my eye on the pervert in front of me, who's arranging a seat for me.

"You, Naruto, I remember when we first met. You're still as cocky as ever." He stops in the middle of whatever he's doing and takes a hard look at me, then mutters under his breath. "..Still as strong as ever. Gonna kill Sasuke-san for not letting me train you."

I twist my face into one of confusion, but he waves his hand and gestures to the chair. I sigh then sit, refraining from twiddling my thumbs. Dust swirls in the air, a testimony to how little Jiraiya used this room.

He collapses into his chair and his huge muscles strain from the effort. "Okay, let's discuss the repercussion of your temperamental actions that came about from the disruptive chain of events, blahblahblah.." He browses through some papers until he comes with the one he wants. "Okay, for bringing in a cigarette, that's 50 points right there. And then you assaulted your own teammate, which is 100 points plus another 10 hours of community service. And then-"

I interrupt, lips chapped and throat dry. "You don't need to go through all of that. In the end, I'm going to do everything in my power to get expelled."

To his credit, he doesn't blink or look shocked like everyone else did. "Yeah, yeah, kid. But before you do, we need to get everything straightened out, like all these damn points and-"

I slam my fists on his desk to get his attention. "No, I'm serious."

"And bunnies don't fuck."

I grit my teeth, feeling the beginnings of a headache. "You don't get it. You and everyone else here. I'm going to get out of here, because I hate it here. I hate Uchiha Sasuke, I hate the food, I hate the people here. You people think the Mansion is so fucking great, but I don't belong."

Jiraiya raises a thick eyebrow, mouth twisted into a patronizing smile. "Really? Where do you belong, Mr. Outcast of all things Happy and Dopy?"

It's difficult to keep myself from launching out of my chair and punching Jiraiya. "I belong with the people who care about me. And right now, that place is the Island."

"No, that place is here."

"No, it's not. Everyone I love is dead and there's-"

"Kid, shut up. You think I don't hear this kind of moping every single day? I'm gonna tell you what I tell every single whiny teenager who walks through the door, thinking that they've got the worst past or that they've got every right to kill themselves, emotions, and other people."

"I'm not-"

"What did I say about shutting up? Look. No, look at me."

I reluctantly draw my eyes towards his face and what I see contradicts that harsh tone in his voice. The shadow of loneliness, scars, tears... They're all there, they're all in Jiraiya's old, old face.

"I'll say this once. Get over it. From now on, everything you do rests on your shoulders. From now on, you'll be alone. Truly alone."

My whisper goes almost unheard in the face of fear. "I can't do that. You know that."

Jiraiya leans forward, eyes unabashedly staring into mine. "Me? I don't know anything."

For the rest of the day, I don't say a word.


On the fourth day, I wake up with a dread from the inescapable fate that I had succumbed to. Even though Jiraiya's words echo in my head all the fucking time, I still seek company in the form of misery. My classes drag by slowly, time saps my strength until I'm walking without trust.

When night comes, I silently slip out of my room, disregarding Sai's curious eyes and the lounge's reproachful glare. The long walk to the Sand Dorm is disturbed by mysterious sounds from the rustling trees and the wind that howls its dissent.

"Will you stop?"
"Stop what, Gaara?"
"Letting yourself go. You deserve better."
"But this is how I survive the streets. These people want me. You can't imagine how that makes me feel."
"But they don't want you. They want your body."
"I don't care."
"But I do."

What would Gaara say now? Would he understand or would he sneer at my pitiful excuses to feel? I bite my lips as the door appears in front of me. Before I even knock, the door opens, light streaming in and a thin arm drags me into the room.

"Fuck, been waiting forever. You promise I won't get into trouble or nothing?"

I brush away all the hesitation and smirk. Acting, always acting. "Does it matter? As long as you get your satisfaction, I'm not promising anything."

Cigarette smoke blows my way as well as a slight chill in the air. The room is large, similar to my own dorm room, except for the shadow tinting the bed.

"So in order to fuck you, I pretend you raped me? Seems shady, man. Why you doing this, anyway?"

I slide over to the jumpy boy in front of me and grab his cigarette by the teeth. He smiles and lets go of the stick, giving me access to his full lips. He's stronger than me, a fact that makes itself known when he ravages every inch of my mouth like a starving beggar. I pull away and toy with his shirt, trying to forget my past.

I can remember every word.

"Hey, hey, Gaara, get over here."
"What do you want? I'm busy."
"Yeah, okay, you always are. But I've been reading this and the system is so weird. You can assault anyone you want and not get expelled."
"I'd like to assault you."
"What are-hey, don't do that, Gaara. That tickles! No, I'm being serious here."
"Me too."

The light flickers and I grab the back of the boy's head. His green eyes flash with lust, something that will help me accomplish my goal. We wrestle for a while, trying to wrench layers of clothing off. Sweat soon trickles down my back, mingling with the musky scent in the air.

He grunts. "Heard things about you. You're crazy, man."

He traces a pattern with his tongue on my skin and I groan, bucking under his weight. I don't remember crashing on the bed, but I can feel the blankets wrinkling under the frenzied activity.

"Heard that you ran from the system. Don't know how you got here. You were supposed to escape forever."

I open my eyes, and he shivers suddenly from my darkened blue eyes.

"Anyway, what should we do to get expelled from this one?"
"Rape."
"What? Gaara, you've finally lost it."
"No. I rape you. You go crazy. They expel both of us."
"Uh..."

"Either that or murder."
"I don't know. Sounds really shady. And dirty."
"What more would orphans need?"

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. The boy jumps off of me and hurriedly puts his clothes on, muttering curses.

"Naruto?! Naruto, are you in there?"

I sigh and take one last look at the ceiling before hauling myself out of bed. Sakura's voice continues leaking through the door and I watch as the boy in the room jumps out a window and makes his escape.

Exhausted, I open the door, my shirt half buttoned, jeans rumpled. Sakura's big eyes and her pink hair shine in the dark, while Sai calmly looks on at the dinky quality of the room and my disheveled hair.

There's a huge silence as Sakura finally understands what she had interrupted. "Naruto, how could you?"

I just lean against the door before rubbing my eyes. Without thinking about how far my teammates must have walked to get the dorm room, without thinking about how much they cared about me, without thinking at all, I whisper before shutting the door, slowly.

"You've ruined everything."


I break on the fifth day. I keep seeing Kiba's face in every corridor, I keep hearing his laughter in every classroom, I keep feeling his presence in every conversation, in every stretch of time.

Anger surges at random intervals. Why had Kiba left me all alone? Why wouldn't Sasuke expel me? What else could I possibly do to get out?

As soon as the clock strikes twelve, I walk into Orochimaru's room. He looks up in surprise, but before he can speak, I punch him in the face. Hearing the bones crack feels good, as well as the crowd of students trying to take a look at my anger at work.

This time, it's Jiraiya who pulls me off of Orochimaru's bloody body. He takes my shaking body into the hallway and disappointment streaks through his face. Words are unnecessary between us. After all, he would only say things once.

But I have to ask. "Now? Have I been expelled now?"

My heart sinks as Jiraiya grimly shakes his head. Fuck.

I can't stand it anymore. The itching inside me won't disappear, and ignoring Jiraiya, I stand and walk towards the door.

"Where are you going, Naruto?"

The door, the door without windows and desperation, is the one I open. The sun hits me, as well as the crisp air, but I don't notice anything except the trees that stretch forever. I look back at Jiraiya, who's still shaking his head.

"Out. I'm going out."


Loss can do terrible things to a person. I thought this kid would be different, but I was wrong.

This is the path he's chosen to take. Let's just hope he'll come back.

-Jiriaya


AN: So I just debated with myself for an hour about posting this up. I don't know if I like this Naruto very much, considering that he doesn't even seem recognizable to me and I'm the author! Dear sweet god on earth, please, please, please let Naruto come back to normal without making it seems abnormally stupid and/or cliché.

Anyway, rant done. I would appreciate it so, so utterly much if people reassured me. I'm completely convinced that I've made the weirdest/stupidest chapter ever. Please don't hate me. Hating can be felt through the Internet, you know.

Read and review. Or I might break down with writer's fever. :(