Title: Disadvantaged Children
Rating: M


Chapter Twenty

Suffocation

"What do you think?" I ask with a grin as I pull out two identical orange jackets from the closet. "This one makes me look fat but the other one has the hood missing because, well, it's a long story. You see, it all began with a piece of bacon, my best friend in the entire world, and a little dog named Akama- "

"Naruto?"

I squint at my closet and murmur distractedly. "You're right... Sauce-gay would never approve of obesity."

Neji suddenly slams the closet door shut and stares at me like I've grown a million heads. "What are you doing?"

"Well, I figure since Sai is outside, waiting to kick your ass if you hurt me physically, I can take my sweet time." I shrug then quickly take off my flimsy gray t-shirt to put on a long sleeved black sweater with my traditional orange jacket. "Consider this revenge for being a total jerkface."

"Jerkface?"

I finish tying my shoes then confidently face Neji and his raised eyebrow. "Yes. Jerkface. The orphanages in the States didn't approve of cuss words, even though I had some good ones from Konoha.." I grin then step closer to Neji, whose eyes are standing out in the darkness of the room. "So, are you going to tell me how you get complete strangers to tell the truth?"

"What are you talking about?" Neji grumbles, annoyed, but the surprise is there. "I don't have time for small talk, Uzumaki Naruto. Have you forgotten that the Uchiha is waiting for you?"

He says the word 'Uchiha' like it kills him, which can only hint at more secrets, more hatred, more conspiracies. Then he shifts his hands and that's all I need for an answer.

As nonchalantly as I can, I point to the bottle of cologne on my desk. "Hey, can you hand me that?" When Neji glances at me suspiciously, I laugh nervously. "Not that I'm trying to smell good for Sasuke or anything! I mean.. That would be stupid. And weird." I wrap the act up by cranking my puppy dog eyes full blast and smiling awkwardly. "Please?"

Neji's jaw hardens but he reaches for the cologne and hands it to me with a frown. "I wouldn't be surprised if you stole this straight from-"

I cut him off by knocking the cologne off his hand and quickly grabbing his hand to enclose it over my own shaking hand. When Neji realizes what I'm trying to do, he struggles to get his hand out of my grip, but I only ignore his snarling and hold on for dear life.

Then the words.

"Actually, I got this cologne for my birthday in a little box that supposedly came from Ochimaru who was in a clown suit that day and have I ever told you that you look like his love child, Neji, except you probably don't use your black hair to lure unsuspecting children to your bed and I'm going to try lying now, okay, Neji, and here we go – I like the color b-bl-blorange, your hair smells t-terrible-bl-y nice, dammit, Sai likes my dick, wait wasn't that supposed to be a lie shit, and you look very hap-hap-glaaaa-MA-"

Next thing I know, I'm flying across the room with a bruise blossoming on my stomach, courtesy of Neji's foot. The haze over my head clears and I blink as Neji towers over me with his arms crossed, lip bared, and his foot dangerously close to my body. His eyes are an intense white, pupils vanished, and all of a sudden, I'm trapped in that glare which can do everything.

For a second, I'm afraid.

It's not what I expected but I can't shove away the fear. Eyes still locked on Neji's power, I whisper, "I would have kept holding on."

Surprise blossoming across Neji's face and it's a relief to see the dark pupils creeping back into their rightful place, to see the veins disappearing from Neji's forehead, to see the humanity inside Neji. "Why should that even matter?! What the hell were you doing?"

But it's not the anger that I see. It's his trembling hands, the same hands that could feel everything.. How was it like, to live life knowing that people would shy away from your touch? What else could he do? What other powers did he have that made him a bigger freak than me?

"What else can you do, Neji?"

It's almost like he wants to make up for all the truths that I've spilled from my mouth, because he answers with gritted teeth, "I can heal with these hands."

"What else?" I ask, knowing already the answer..

"Rupture a vein. Find a weakness and exploit it." He laughs bitterly. "Kill, crumble, destroy. I think the question is what can I not do with these cursed hands."

The shock has passed and only one thing is clear in my mind. "How lonely."

He slowly turns to look at me and there's mania, hysteria. "Yes, yes it is. And I bet you're thinking that we can understand each other, because we're both so lonely." He grips his sleeves and I glimpse white bandages on his wrists, a telling story that I'll never know about. "You think that things will change, that what just happened wasn't real, that it was only two strangers holding hands, becoming friends."

Silence. He was right. That was exactly what I was thinking. Because the truth was that I wouldn't have pulled away. I would have kept holding on, believing that the longer I had contact with this stranger, the longer I could have convinced him to believe in something so physical, so foreign to him.

Suddenly, Neji sighs. "I'm falling behind. This is a waste of my time, you are a waste of my time, Uzumaki." He rubs his eyes and clears his throat. "Uchiha is still waiting for you. It's imperative that you meet him."

"I don't want to."

Neji sighs again. "It's not a matter of want, Uzumaki, it's a matter of-"

"I know, I know. Just like it's a matter of need that you ignore everyone and act like a frigid bastard to hide the fact that you are afraid of losing everything."

He sneers. "Some people don't have the luxury of acquiring worthless things like friendship, Uzumaki."

"Then what?" I ask, looking straight at Neji. "What really matters, Neji?"

"The future."

I scoff. "And what's a future without precious people? Look, Neji, I know you don't like me but you have a really unhealthy perspective on life."

"How quaint." Neji's lips curve into a condescending smile. "The insane patient giving advice to the doctor."

"Patient?" I splutter then cross my arms. "I'm not some lunatic in a psychiatric ward, okay! If I wanted to, I could walk out of this Mansion right now and no one would even no-"

"Don't." Neji's eyes glint and he steps closer to the window, so that the moonlight shines on his face. "You can't do that."

I frown. "What do you mean? I can't do what?"

"You can't walk out of this Mansion." He clenches his fists and I can see that the next words are killing him. "Your future is tied with mine."

I raise an eyebrow and smirk. "Oh really? You've got to be joking. I mean, me? The insane patient in the loony bin?" I start laughing and continue, "The crazy, schizophrenic murderer who likes boys? The number one annoying kid in all of Konoha, whose dreaded return made all of the villagers shiver?" I keep spouting off random descriptions of me, most that I've read in my file, until Neji clears his throat.

"You have the Kyuubi."

"Oh." Of course the only thing Neji would need me for was the always important beast inside of me. I don't even bother wondering how he knows. "I think I'm going to leave now." I walk to the door but Neji stops me. "Get out my way, jerkface."

Neji doesn't move. "Are you always this irritating?"

"Just to my friends," I say with a cheeky grin.

"You still think this is a game, don't you?" Neji looks at me hostilely and I know he's wondering why I'm so important to his future. Hell, I wanted to know why. "The Mansion is your home. You can not leave."

"I'm not going to," I snarl, but I'm too tired to be angry. "I have my friends here. I have a life. Maybe you should try finding both instead of singling out a fellow freak."

Bam.

Two white hands pinning my wrists to the wall and Neji's face dangerously close to mine. The haze is back, the one that makes me say stuff off the top of my head, but I'm biting my tongue so hard that it's practically shriveling out of existence.

A hiss. "Let's get this straight, Uzumaki. I am not a fellow freak, as you so kindly pointed out to me a second ago. I am an unlucky person whose path got crossed by you, a worthless shell, a container for something that I'm much more interested in." He presses his thumb on my veins and it hurts but somehow he also manages to kneed his other fingers so that I'm alternating between an awkward pleasure and pain thing. "I have my own plans, Uzumaki, and my own future. I will not have you mess this up for me."

"Does the future hold that much importance to you?" I can't help it, the urge to keep him talking is more than my desire to be alive at the moment. "What do you see that you don't see right now? No matter what you do, your future will still be empty and hopeless."

He laughs briefly before leaning in closer. "Have you never felt the burning desire for revenge, Naruto?" He laughs again when he sees me shake my head. "No wonder you care about the things that have no importance in this world."

I sigh in relief when he lets go of me. Massaging my wrists, I frown at Neji, unable to wrap my head around his own reason to live. "But even if you got your revenge, you still wouldn't gain anything. Your future would be the exact same as it is now!"

He doesn't answer. He only opens the door then bows with a twisted smile on his face. I don't understand him or this burning vengeance that seems to dictate his life. It's only when I'm almost out of the room that Neji speaks in a low voice.

"What makes you think that I would want to change anything?" He pauses before looking up at me with white eyes, devoid of all humanity.

"Don't forget, Uzumaki. I see everything."


It's cold outside.

I breathe into my hands and little puffs escape to coalesce with the winter wind. As I walk, I can see the trees crystallized in ice and the streets paved with salt. Strange that I had forgotten so quickly about the winters in Konoha. Did my childhood matter so little? Broken playgrounds as shelter. Wood chips buried under the snow. Gaara and I standing together, knowing that there was nowhere to go except the same, pathetic playground. And we made it through, didn't we?

Just not together.

The sound of a car driving away makes me turn around to wave cheerfully at Neji, whose eyes are shocking pieces of blue behind the car window.

I keep walking, thoughts flickering to the same streets of Konoha that I had roamed as a little boy. In a way, I had missed Konoha. The States had been fun as an endless stream of clubs and parties, but I hadn't belonged. My broken English, my silence. Blond hair and blue eyes meant nothing when my thoughts belonged purely to Konoha. Who would have guessed that home was where pain lived?

Tell me it will be all right.

After minutes of stamping my feet and walking against the frigid wind, I finally find the building that I'm looking for. The bare windows outline the same shape over and over and ivy while bushes and trees surrounding the building. Paralyzing silence wraps the complete shell and it's an indication that Konoha still hasn't changed. Abandoned children still belong in abandoned homes.

My smile is twisted now and it's hard to hold on to my old self, the one who could pretend something wasn't missing, the one who could find a beach to sleep on, a lollipop to steal, a string of hope to grasp.

Digging my hands into my pockets, I reluctantly walk to the front of the building and stare at the front door. Something is off here. Maybe it's the eerie atmosphere of the place or maybe it's my hostility to these damned orphanages in Konoha that remind me of so much, too much. Either way, I'm starting to think that Neji had been lying. Sasuke isn't here, waiting to talk to me.

"Shit." I say before peering into the windows of the front door, feeling vaguely creepy. All I see is an empty hallway sloping up to a door that clearly marks a warning for intruders. "Shit."

I sigh then creep towards the side of the orphanage and duck from all the windows that seem to glare at me. "Shit!" Dodge the bush, slink through the mud, and crawl past a window with the lights on. "Shit, shit, shit, Neji, I'm going to kill-"

My face hits asphalt and I blink, confused, before resting my weight on my elbows and craning my neck to see that I've crawled all the way to the back of the building which is smothered with pavement and darkness, dotted with flickering streetlights. Shivering, I keep crawling through the bushes and trees that hide me pretty well until I see movement in that sea of black.

Giggles. The pitter patter of small feet. I keep shimmying closer to the source of the noises until I start hearing snippets.

"..can't catch me! I'm Soop...Soopaman, whhee!"

"-A-and twenty plus twenty is.."

"Nii-san, nii-san, look at me, I'm flying on your shoulders!"

It's only one street light. But somehow, I manage to see the white streaks on the cement, the little children with faded jackets and mittens chasing each other, and Sasuke in the middle of it all, looking like a martyr with twenty kids on his right arm and twenty more clinging to his legs. But he's not paying attention to them. His gaze is focused on the orphanage behind me and I think I see something in the eyes, something that I saw in Neji too– the panic, the madness.

But then he smiles and just like that, I know that I've been waiting for this night.

Without thinking, I hop on my feet and grin only to wince when I accidentally hit my head on a branch. Some of the children immediately stare at the direction of my hiding place and I make a face. Sasuke looks at the bushes too but he doesn't seem to notice anything.

A little boy clad in blue and white crashes into Sasuke's leg and wails, "I heard s-s-something!"

Sasuke doesn't do anything and it's not until the little boy's dribbled snot into his pants that he looks down and says very quietly, "Don't be scared. I'm here."

Lies. The thought comes so quickly that I don't have time to stop it. Sasuke is lying.

I continue staring in disbelief even when Sasuke excuses himself to go to the bathroom. The kids begin throwing imaginary balls around and if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that some of the kids are "climbing" playgrounds too. It's so strange to see these grimy faces without tear streaks or bruises. They're actually happy. Visibly, incredibly happy with smiles lighting up more than any lone street light could.

Slowly, the fog begins to sink in and the kids aren't in a desolate street corner, they're in a world of their own, a life full of possibilities and threads, clouds of hope. The children, from the pissed off boy who hogged the transparent balls to the girl who shyly gave up her last piece of rice ball to her worst enemy to the boy who hid in the corner begin to blur and change into someone else I can see clearly but never, ever understand.

Me.

I blink before laughing softly to myself.

Tonight then, Gaara?

Of course. How long had it taken me to realize that I had never been alone? Not when I had wandered the streets by myself, not when the nights had collapsed on me without warning, not even when I had lost Gaara and Kiba. I had been like these kids before. Every single one of them.

Something wet drops on my arm and I look up at the sky to see the flurry of tiny snowflakes. The orphans shriek but laugh as they open their mouths and jump around to crash into each other. Turning away, I give a huge contented sigh then collapse on the cold grass, blinking rapidly to clear the snow from my eyelashes.

I would do it. I'd figure out a way to keep everyone in the Mansion. I'd figure out a way to get away from Gaara's grasp and the Akatsuki's poisonous experiments. There are no more excuses for me anymore, because I'm still him. I'm still Naruto.

Suddenly, I'm burning up even though the sky is practically spitting out snowflakes. Frowning, I wipe away the melted snow from my eyelids and stare straight into Sasuke's face.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke asks quietly, too quietly, and I realize that I must look really, really, really stupid laying on the wet ground with my puffy orange jacket, my cheeks outstretched into a ridiculous grin, and muddy, dirty hair.

Still burning with something akin to embarrassment, I quickly sit up, Indian style, and sheepishly answer, "Waiting for you?"

Sasuke's eyes narrow before he coldly turns away. "I didn't want you."

"Funny, because that's the exact opposite of what Neji told me!" I scramble after Sasuke, wincing when he doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken to him. "You know, the next time you schedule one of these spontaneous meetings, can you at least meet me in a more visible location so that I'm not shivering in front of some orphanage, looking like a creepy old fart?"

Nothing. Not even a sigh or a glare. I can't remember the last time I've seen Sasuke up so close, but it disorients me. Even though there's not a single strand of hair that's sticking out or a speck of dirt on his shirt, he still looks messy. His eyes are bloodshot, his face is too thin and pale, while the impenetrable silence makes him look colder than usual.

"Go away, Uzumaki," Sasuke says tiredly. "You're wasting my time."

"Still a teme, aren't you?" I mutter and Sasuke glances at me briefly before hunching into his dark coat and walking faster. "Why have you been ignoring me for the past few weeks? Kakashi nearly choked on his own mask when he heard that I haven't finished my community service hours."

"Is that why you're here, then? The community service?" Sasuke stops and says icily. "Tell Kakashi that I gave you my permission to quit."

I gulp then pout. "But I don't want to-"

Sasuke's eyes flash. "I'm not doing this for you, Uzumaki." He looks away and his eyes are fixated on every detail on the orphanage in front of us. "You're not a part of my plan, so I won't be needing your presence around me anymore.

My throat is crumbling into dust and my stomach twinges. "But Neji told me that you wanted to speak to me."

"Neji Hyuuga is an incompetent aide who will soon be rid of for meddling in my affairs." Sasuke clenches his fists and shoots me a dark look. "Find a driver to take you back to the Mansion. Or walk. I don't care as long as you're not anywhere near me."

"Bastard," I whisper as the anger starts to snake around me and threatens to throttle Sasuke. "What the hell is your problem?"

He smiles and the madness is back. "I don't have a problem, Uzumaki. I'm not the one who's stalking a complete stranger."

I grab Sasuke's arm and wrench him closer to me. "You're not a complete stranger!" I growl. "You're.. You're.."

Sasuke looks scornfully at me then shrugs my grasp off his arm. "I'm what, Uzumaki?"

"You're.. someone I care about." I look down at my clenched hands before facing Sasuke confidently. "You're my friend, Sasuke."

Surprise flits through Sasuke's face, making my heart jump, but he soon shuts off his emotions. "You know nothing about me. Is that what a friend is to you, Naruto?"

"No. But would a stranger call me by my first name?" I smile when Sasuke glares at me. "Come on, Sasuke. I don't know what's wrong with you, but it's cold out here. Can we at least go somewhere warm?"

"We?" Sasuke grits out through his teeth. "I'm not telling you again. Get the fuck away from me."

I frown and open my mouth to start yelling at him when I notice Sasuke's tense shoulders and the red that's starting to pool in his pupils. He's not even paying attention to me anymore, because he's too busy staring at the sky like it's his last nightmare.

Warily, I step closer and gently touch him on the arm. "Sasuke-teme?"

"What?!"

He's shaking. Knowing that my smiles aren't going to work for this side of Sasuke, I drop my voice and slowly ask, "Are you okay?"

And then he snaps. With a growl, he twists my arm and shoves my face closer to his, so close that I can't see anything except the red specks in his eyes. He's still trembling, but his words spit out and hit me in every frail spot that I have.

"Get out of my sight."

He roughly lets me go and walks away. But I don't leave. Instead, I stay and follow him as he crashes through the forest behind the orphanage. All I can hear is the sound of his harsh breaths and all I can see is the full moon, but somehow I manage to find him standing by a lone tree.

"Sasuke?"

He doesn't answer me. Instead, he screams and punches the tree so hard that the barks splinter off and his hand is fragmented into red spidery lines. I'm dumbstruck, but I don't stop him anymore, because I know too well how sorrow can last through the night.

Another punch. Another kick. The tree groans, but it yields to the wind and allows Sasuke to murder its heart. And all the while, Sasuke is hissing things under his breath, fluidly bloodying his hands, ignoring everything except himself and his hatred.

The night crawls by, but I only stare at the pale limbs lashing out, at the bloody knuckles and the snow covered shoes, at the contorted face. For a second, I can pretend that this is all I need.

When Sasuke's blood starts drenching the newly fallen snow, I lose it.

"Idiot. You fucking idiot." I charge out of my stupor and grab Sasuke's arm, preventing him from hurting himself anymore. "Why do you keep thinking you're alone? I'm right here."

He looks straight through me and I say it again. "I'm right here, Sasuke."

We stand there, me holding his arm, and our breaths are cold, everything is cold. I wish I knew why certain parts of Sasuke's left eye is red, why he's beating up a tree in a cold winter night, why he finds every reason to push me away.. But all I can do is settle for a small, small smile.

"I know." He slowly pries my fingers off his arm. "I know, dobe."

I breathe a sigh of relief when Sasuke turns away from the tree and starts walking back to the orphanage. There's nothing that I want to do more than run up to Sasuke and crack a joke, but I can only stare at his confident stride and his impassioned mask that doesn't tell of what just happened. Scratching my head, I sigh then run up besides him.

"Hey, teme?"

Sasuke doesn't slow down. "Don't say anything, dobe."

I grin. "You have something in your hair."

"Does it look like I care?" He mutters and my grin only widens.

"Suit yourself."

We keep walking until the forest starts losing its trees and the orphanage becomes bigger. The silence is unbearable, but at least I can sneak glances at Sasuke, whose eyes are darkening to their normal color.

"Naruto?"

Jolted, I pretend that I haven't been staring at him for the last ten minutes. "What, teme?"

"What do you remember about your birthday?"

"That's a really weird question.." I trail off then wave my hands around when Sasuke glares at me. "Fine, fine. I remember being woken up, getting dragged to the cafeteria without any clothes on-"

Sasuke coughs then looks away funnily. I smirk then continue.

"Then I got presents from all these people which was really cool but definitely not as cool as Sai showing me his mural that he made with Sakura." I pause then frown. "And after that, I got mauled by that guy."

"That guy..." Sasuke says softly, so softly that I barely hear him. "Is my brother."

His mask is so heavy that it slips and I see the side of him that would pound at a tree for hours, spit at me, break everything.. I don't say anything and my mind searches through the memory of the guy who had attacked me. It's hazy but I think I remember the dark hair, the piercing eyes, and the frozen, cold breath.

"What did he do?" I gulp and cross my fingers, hoping that Sasuke's punches aren't as brutal as his brother's. "Is he the reason that you've been acting like a complete jerk tonight?"

Sasuke doesn't say anything and he only walks closer to me, making me regret asking for his secrets. I hastily take a step back, almost tripping from a root, but Sasuke catches up to me and he stops me from walking further back.

Realizing that there's nothing else I can do, I make one last wish and stand my ground.

"We all have our secrets, Sasuke, so don't think that you can get away with pretending that you're Mister Badass. I mean, I just saw you mangle a tree!" I can see Sasuke's face now, because we're both under the moonlight, and hey, death is inevitable, right? "What did your brother do anyway? Not that it matters, because there's this thing called the 'Lonely Bastards Club' which he and my lovely friend, Gaara, should join and shit why are you looking at me like.."

And then he grabs me. I squeeze my eyes shut, but nothing happens except for Sasuke's arms holding me and his heartbeats mixing with mine.

"Do you know what I want right now, Naruto?"

I wonder if I should be struggling out of Sasuke's grasp. "Err..."

"I want you to shut up."

This time, I really do struggle out of this weird hug. "Bastard!"

Then I hear it.

Sasuke's soft laughter.

Sighing, I stop struggling and stand there in the moment, listening to Sasuke's heartbeats, his broken laughter, his own wishes. The sun is straining to break the horizon while the snow is falling, falling in time to this melody of Sasuke's uneasy words.

And since I deserve it, I allow myself a small smile.


It's getting harder to breathe.

Maybe that's why I ended this night almost suffocating the one person who will allow it. I wonder why he tries. Doesn't he know that I can't stand him? That I can't, won't need him?

Get far, far away from me, Naruto. That's all I ask of you.

-Sasuke


AN: I really want them to get together now. ;_; Damn you, firstkissscene, for haunting my dreams! (Having said that, I will probably write it soon. Very soon.)

As for the lone street light scene with the hazy fog and the kids running around.. I got the inspiration from a place in China that I visited. It was not pretty, let me tell you.

See, I can do this weekly update thing! It's just really, really difficult. *face palm* Read and review, thanks!