Title: Disadvantaged Children
Rating: M
Decode
Sunlight hits my closed eyes at the exact same moment that the intercom blares out a 'GET UP YOU LAZY RUNTS.' Groaning, I throw off my blankets and rub my palm against my eyes, wishing horrible things to the person who dared to open the curtains in my room. Each muscle in my body is tense and coiled and my whole body is shaking, even though it's not cold at all.
"Sai, did you open the curtains?"
I wait for a response only to be met with a stony silence. Opening my bleary eyes, I freeze when Sai turns around to fix me with a cold glare.
I gulp then do my best to smile. "What's with the frown? It's been a week already and you still wake up looking like you haven't had any sleep. Uh.. D-do you have class today? I smelled paint while I was sleeping. Maybe you'd like to-"
Sai suddenly slams his fist against the wall and it's effective because I immediately clam up.
"Don't talk to me."
I make a face then cross my arms. "You know.. You can't ignore me for the rest of the year."
"Just watch me."
Squinting, I slither off my bed and crawl towards the space between my desk and the wall. Sai scowls at me then goes back to his sketchbook, doing his best to ignore the noise I'm making behind the barrier between me and him.
"Day nine. Oh-Eight-Twenty-Three. The vapor is wearing grumpy pants. I repeat, grumpy pants."
Humming a spur of the moment theme song, I demonstrate my prowess in stealth by doing half a roll and creeping towards another effective hideout. The closet. Warding off smelly shirts and pants with my hands, I stand then peek out to see Sai glaring in my direction.
"KKAH. Permission to unleash massive happy attack against vapor. KKAH. May need backup. KKAH. Requesting twenty million pregnant bunnies. KKAH. Correction. Pregnant and fluffy bunnies."
"Naruto, what are you do-"
"VAPOR IS ATTEMPTING COMMUNICATION. CHANGE OF PLANS. ABANDON SHIP AND LAUNCH HAPPY ATTACK NOW. "
Without thinking, I jump out of the closet and then pounce on Sai, who immediately tries to kick me off of him. In response, I only hold on tighter to his torso and squeeze my eyes shut. I was going to die, which would make Sai stop hating me. That was a good plan, right? Sai growls then punches me in the face which only makes me snuggle my face into his stomach.
"I'm not letting go, Sai, until you *oof* forgive me for whatever I *wheeze* did."
"What the hell are you doing?! Get OFF me, you crazy idiot."
"NO! NOT UNTIL YOU LOVE ME."
We roll around, crashing into the wall and the edge of our beds, until I manage to pin Sai down.
"HA! Guess who has the bigger dick now?!"
Sai's face turns into a terrible shade of red and a few, awkward seconds linger into the air. And then I realize what I've said, what I'm doing, and how Sai is going to kill me.
With the most inhuman, guttural sound that I've ever heard, Sai roars and then manages to headbutt me straight in the stomach. I can't breathe for a few seconds and that's when Sai takes the moment to punch me in the face and pin my chest to the ground with his legs, so that his arms are pulling my arms behind my back. Pain is running through every muscle in my body and I'm struggling to breathe without wheezing.
"Do you know what your problem is, Uzumaki?"
After a few slow blinks, the question processes itself into my head. "My insanely, huge peni-"
Sai yanks my arm back which causes a burst of pain to appear behind my eyes. His weight is starting to become a huge problem, because I can't breathe or even think about the way he's not hesitating to keep pulling back my arms. I think I've forgotten about Sai, about the murder behind his secretive eyes, about his emotionless actions in the First Event.
My left cheek probably has a permanent imprint of each crack in the ground and my arms sting like hell. But Sai isn't letting up. If anything, seeing me in pain is galvanizing him, making him push me into the ground even more. Now everything hurts, from my numb legs to the collapsing lungs in my chest.
"Sai.." I wheeze, but I'm cut off when he shoves his knee between my back and leans in close, so close that I can feel the hot breath caressing my ear.
"No. You're going to listen to me, now."
I close my eyes and struggle briefly before giving up and listening to the mad undertones, the creeping desperation inside Sai's whisper.
"Your problem, Uzumaki, is that you automatically think that everyone needs to be saved. For a while, I thought you had it. I thought you were right." He slowly loosens his grip on my hands, tone becoming more hollow. "And maybe you are, dickless. Maybe everyone does need to be saved."
He lets go abruptly then pushes himself off of my body.
"But that doesn't mean everyone wants to be saved."
I cough before angrily staring up at Sai. "What the hell's gotten into you? We have this one fight and now you're acting like a completely different person!" I get up to my feet, even though it hurts to even move an inch. "You've been completely distant and remote from everyone, even Sakura and me! You won't eat or sleep or do any of the stuff that keeps a normal person sane."
"I'm going to save myself, Naruto. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?"
I'm so furious that I have to dig my nails into my arms to keep myself from attacking Sai again. He was twisting it all around and using my words as an excuse to give up. It was such bullshit. Bullshit from a coward.
"Saving yourself from what?! From feelings? From living? Saving yourself doesn't mean isolation and loneliness and.. And.. Fear!" I stop and it's a complete revelation. "You're.. You're afraid, aren't you?"
Sai smirks that odd, meaningless smirk. "You should know better than anyone that I've forgotten how to feel anything."
He's right. Fear? That was only for the weak and the Sai in front of me was stone cold. Emotionless. I store the thought away for another time and glare at the wall with my hands drawn into fists.
"For a long time, Naruto, you were the only reason I was staying in the Mansion. But now that you're out of the way, I can finally accomplish what I need to do."
My blood suddenly runs cold. What was it that Sasuke had said about Sai? That.. Sai wasn't part of the plan. But what plan? And if that was the case, what was he doing here, talking so coldly about reasons to live, reasons to stay..
Had I made a mistake?
Sai turns to go and I jolt.
"Sai?"
Maybe it's my voice, laced with an intensity that contradicts my normal cheerfulness. Or maybe it's the remnants of his conscience, the final moments of his humanity. For whatever reason, Sai pauses and turns his head slightly.
"Please don't stop me anymore. I don't want to kill you, Naruto."
He walks towards the door and I take a few steps forward.
"Sai?"
He opens the door and walks away.
"Dammit, Sai!"
Still shaking, I kick away the clothes by my feet and sink my hands into my hair, resisting the urge to yank every strand of hair out of my scalp.
"Why is it so damn hard for everyone to be happy?" I grumble then settle for punching random things and kicking everything that crosses my way. "FUCK. MY. LIFE."
A few minutes pass and it's not until my foot hits dirty boxers that I realize how stupid I'm acting. I cast a glance around the mess that I've created and then sigh. Okay, so wrecking the room was a stupid idea. Sighing again, I rearrange the cup that I knocked over, the chair that I shoved, and the desk that I may or may not have used as a substitute for Sai. The blankets, clothes, and clutter are given the same treatment and I'm almost done cleaning the room when something catches my eye.
Black cover. Discrete. Shrouded in mystery.
"HOLY-"
I abruptly cover my mouth and then look around the room for any trespassers or, worse, the owner of the sketchbook. When I realize that the room is completely empty except for me, I grin, grab the black notebook, and then collapse on my bed with the thing in my outstretched hands. To open or not to open?
"You.." I squint at the sketchbook and then try again. "Youuu..."
The sketchbook refuses to answer me, so I sit up and stab at it with my finger.
"You are going to give me some answers, because I'm trying to help your owner. He's uh going through some tough times, in case you haven't noticed. So please, please, please don't tell him that I was snooping through you. Deal?"
And for a second, an incredible second, I think I hear a sound from the sketchbook. With wide eyes, I drop the book and scratch my head. There was no way that an inanimate object could make noises.. Right? With a gulp, I take a deep breath and then open the sketchbook to the very first page.
S,
Let's make our own story someday.
-S
There's nothing else except the creamy white paper and pages more to go. The curiosity is tickling my fingers so I hesitantly turn the page which is filled with ink splotches and different animals, painstakingly sketched to show every anatomical function and muscle. For some reason, I can clearly picture a younger version of Sai hunched over this same notebook, pen in hand, carefully tracing over each and every ligament in the giraffes, elephants, and dogs. The vibrant colors foreshadow the same colors that Sai made for me in his mural and as I turn more pages, I'm hit with more sweeping pen strokes that seem to give life to each animal, human, and landscape.
A dragon slicing through the page, a knife whistling through the air, a boy..
I've seen him before.
A humming sound fills the air and, once again, it seems as though the sketchbook is the source of the sound. The boy is alone, surrounded only by a hastily drawn mist. I lean in closer to the page and I can see the boy's fear, the sorrow. Another page shows the same thing only with faces drawn around the boy - blank faces, bloody face, pale faces. I can't stand to stare at the depressing scene any longer so I flip another page and come across.. Me.
Or at least, it looks like me. But the longer I stare at the shock of blond hair, blue eyes and the unabashed grin, the more I start to see the discrepancies between me and the boy on the page. There's more confidence and power in his lithe arms and he's so tall that he seems to stretch out of the paper. There's also a scar on his neck and the dark outfit is suited more for a ninja than a teenager. The date on the bottom of the page is way before I even met Sai, so.. Maybe this was the mysterious 'S?'
The next few pages have the mysterious blond with Sai in the background, looking happy and smiling.
"So you did have a heart, Sai.." I trace the date at the bottom of the page and then sigh. "A really long time ago, according to this date."
The sketchbook suddenly shakes in my hands and I yelp then throw the thing to the ground.
"What the.." I mutter as I peer over my bed to see if the thing is moving anymore. But the only thing I see is the last page of the sprawled open sketchbook.
The same blond hair and easy grin. But the edges are blurry, like the pen shook too much, the eyes too dull. And the most telling sign of all.
The angry, red slash over cascades of ink.
"I need to talk."
"So talk."
"But there's so much to talk about, like this thing I found in my room which makes noises and moves and-"
I pause and then shake my head. "Actually, no, forget what I just said. I have something more important to talk about."
Kakashi sighs and then leans back in his chair in preparation for my rant. "I'm presuming this has something to do with all the revelations that you've acquired from various people, such as Iruka and Sasuke."
I glare. "Once again, the counselor is doing the creepy mind reading thing that seriously makes me question how normal he really is." Kakashi rolls his eyes and I make a face. "Anyway, can you just answer me this?"
"I can try."
"This might not be important in the grand scheme of things, but.." I dig into my pockets and then bring out something that makes Kakashi wince. "Why the hell is this little thing so important?"
Kakashi composes himself then nonchalantly links his hands together. "It's just a cross, Naruto."
"Right, but it freaks people out. Just a minute ago, I saw you wincing when I took it out of my pocket. And Princess Sasuke almost had a hernia when-"
"I'm guessing you and Sasuke are now on speaking terms?"
My eyes widen when I catch a twinkle in Kakashi's normally passive eyes and I look away quickly and mumble something.
"What was that?"
"I said, yes. Sure. Whatever. And see! You're trying to change the subject!"
Kakashi sighs. "Religion isn't a part of my job description, Naruto."
"And neither is bugging me about my love life, but you do it anyway." I turn over the cross in my hands before slamming it down on the desk. "This. Is. Important. I just don't know why."
Kakashi searches my determined face before shaking his head and reaching for the cross on his desk. "You have extraodinarily good hunches, Naruto. I didn't even realize that this cross was such a big deal."
"It wasn't for a while. But when I got around to thinking about the Akatsuki, I realized that the pieces didn't fit. Why were they targeting orphans? What was their goal? And most importantly.. How were they doing this? Then I remembered how Sasuke had told me to be careful about wearing the cross, that villagers hated just the sight of it..."
"What do you know about Christianity, Naruto?"
The response is automatic. "It's the only religion that has a loving God who sent his son, Jesus Christ, to Earth-"
Kakashi rubs his bleary eyes. "That's enough, Naruto. You were in the States for years, so it's no surprise that you're familiar with the Christian doctrine. However, the people of Konoha have very little exposure to these Western influences. Our religions are very diverse and many - Buddhism and Shintoism are the norm in this country."
"I know that. But that doesn't explain the outright hostility to the cross.."
"Ten years ago, Christianity was introduced to the Konoha community. Ten years ago, the Akatsuki began their quiet destruction."
My eyes widen. "Are you saying that.."
"That the two are intertwined? Yes. If I had to-" Kakashi's eyes suddenly trail to the door and he briefly smiles. "Ah, Sasuke-kun."
My heart shouldn't be thumping and my face shouldn't be reddening, but lo and behold, both heart and face don't want to listen to reason. I slowly turn around to tell Sasuke to go away, but instead, I only end up staring at him. Everything about him is cool and composed, nothing like the other day when our lips had touched and he had said those words.. He's dressed in a blue shirt that hugs his thin but toned body and his eyes are staring straight at.. Me.
As if burned, I quickly turn around, grab the cross, and run for the door. I almost make it out the door when strong fingers hook the back of my shirt and yank me back into the room.
Knowing that my manhood can't be shot down anymore than this very moment, I cross my arms and make a face at Sasuke's smirk. "What the hell do you want, teme?!"
"Still with the Japanese insults, Naruto?"
"S-Shut up, I'll do what I want!" I'm momentarily transfixed by Sasuke's face up close and I have to fight the urge to swipe his lips with my own and maybe press close to the heat.. Realizing how dangerous my thoughts are (and how low my eyes are going), I 'eep' and try to get out of Sasuke's grip. "Let go! I need to.. I need to go and do my laundry!"
Sasuke ignores my pleas and only tightens his grip on the back of my shirt. He turns to Kakashi and nods. "We'll talk later, Kakashi-san."
Kakashi grins then waves. "Have fun, you two."
"What is that supposed to mea-"
BAM.
With one hand, Sasuke drags me away from the slammed door and into a hallway that's streaming with light from the colored windows. My head buzzes slightly and the words are hanging on my tongue, boiling in my blood. I want to do something other than walking in silence, pretending not to notice Sasuke's long legs in his dark, tight jeans. There were more pressing matters than the lust that hung in the air even if said lust was like an invisible elephant between me and Sasuke.
"So.."
Something squeezes my hand and, surprised, I look down and see that Sasuke still hasn't let go. Seeing our linked hands together makes my heart twitch and I have to stifle a smile.
Sasuke scowls. "So what, dobe?"
I want the moment to last so I only shake my head and let him drag me. "Nothing."
xx
"Sasuke?"
"Hm?"
"Is this the orphanage that we were at the other day?"
Sasuke looks at me and it's a while before he looks away and nods, jaw hardening. "I need to show you something. Get out of the car."
A chill runs down my back and I nod before getting out of the car. We walk towards the orphanage and right before Sasuke opens the door, I turn towards him and grin.
"Hey."
Sasuke gives me a funny look. "What?"
"I just wanted to say hey."
Silence. Then...
"Is this a trick?" He steps closer to me and lowers his voice. "No insults? No random ninja attacks?"
I look away from the smoldering eyes and shrug. "Yeah. Is it so hard to believe that I just want to give a nice, friendly greeting?"
It's nice to see the look of confusion on Sasuke's face, because I really don't know myself any more than he does. With every day that I spend in the Mansion, I only end up grasping at the emotions, the colors, the sinking plague.. Small things, like wanting to see the joy behind Sasuke's smiles, like listening to him struggle between insults and amusement, like hoping that one day, I'll know where I am...
"All week.." I begin, trying to ignore Sasuke's smirk. "I've been ignoring you-"
"And trying to kill me."
I glare. "It was only that one time when you wanted me to clean the toilet! And the bathroom! And the mold between your bathroom tiles!"
"It's your own fault, dobe. Maybe if you hadn't broken my rather expensive windows, you wouldn't be cleaning up after other people."
"YOU WANTED ME TO CLEAN THE MOLD. BETWEEN YOUR BATHROOM TILES. DO PEOPLE EVEN LOOK AT-"
Sasuke's hand gently clamps over my mouth and he leans in so close to me that I can feel his heartbeat over his thin shirt.
"Loud, Naruto. Always loud." He raises his other hand and places it against the wall to trap me in. "Except for this past week. Why the sudden change?"
I try to push him off me but his body won't budge. My words are muffled behind his hand. "You know exactly why, bastard!"
He laughs and a sudden warmth envelopes my chest. How could I get such pleasure from something so little, so silly. Sasuke's laugh had nothing to do with mine..
"Somtimes, dobe, you really irritate me." He slowly lifts his hand from my mouth and then lowers his head to my neck. Shivering, I clench my hands as his mouth ghosts over my skin, leaving invisible marks. "And when that happens, I do things that I can't control."
"Huh. Must be a lot of things you can't control."
Sasuke suddenly grabs my shirt and yanks me towards his body. I yelp and try to struggle out of his grasp as he pushes me back against the wall and grabs my right leg - and suddenly, we are really, really too close.
"S-Sasuke!" I gasp when he shoves his lower body into mine and I have to squeeze my eyes shut just to get the words out. "We're outside of an.. An orphanage."
Hot lips biting my ear and I squirm which only increases the contact between.. Us.
"It's always about control. Isn't it, Naruto?" He nips at my neck and then trails back up to my ear, whispering and teasing. "You've been ignoring me all week because you crave the control you think you have over me. Admit it."
There's no way in hell that I'm going to admit to Sasuke's sick delusion.. Until his hands slip under my jeans and his lips find the sensitive spot right behind my ear.
"Nggghh.. Sasuke.."
And that's when the door opens. Sasuke immediately gets off me while I bonk my head against the wall, leaving me dizzy and breathless.
"Ah, Sasuke-san! I see you've arrived."
Is it fair that Sasuke looks perfect and pristine while I'm scurrying away, trying to zip up my pants discreetly? Cursing in my head, I give my best smile to the matron of the orphanage who looks haggled and tired with pea soup in her hair and dark circles under her eyes.
Sasuke nods politely and then runs a hand through his hair. "I'm assuming that the arsonists have been given their fair punishment?"
The matron nods, a tinge of pink staining her cheeks. "They will be here shortly to apologize."
"Good. I look forward to meeting them." Sasuke smiles gently at the matron, who looks even more guilty. "Don't blame yourself. I hardly even blame the arsonists."
"I know, Sasuke-san. It's just that.. You built it for us and it was so beautiful.."
Sasuke's eyes harden. "Beauty has no place in this world. It was foolhardy of me to build it in the first place. I apologize."
The matron sighs. "Please don't apologize." She looks at me briefly before motioning to her right. "We tried to salvage the things that weren't burned too badly, but the area is still largely uninhabitable. If that doesn't bother you, Sasuke-san.."
"I understand. I will meet with the offenders later."
The matron nods and Sasuke turns away. I follow him as he crosses the pavement and walks straight to another cluster of buildings.
"Do you remember the church that we visited? After Kiba.. left?"
My eyes widen when I remember not only the church but also the sign - Donated by Uchiha Sasuke and the residents of Uchiha Mansion.
"Was the church burnt down?"
He nods. "It didn't come as a huge surprise. People in this area don't take kindly to reminders of the past."
"That's what Kakashi said!" I stop Sasuke by grabbing his arm and face him with a frown. "Kakashi also said that the Akatsuki and Christianity were related. Is that true?"
"Yes."
Sasuke continues walking and I have to bite my lip to stop myself from screaming. How? Why?
"Pastors and missionaries had been actively recruiting Christians even before the Akatsuki made their appearance. Along with the other religions of Konoha, Christianity had its small followers. There was nothing threatening or encroaching about their version of God."
"Is that how you knew about it?"
Sasuke looks at me with a weird look on his face. "What are you talking about?"
"I mean.. You seem to know a lot about the religion, even though you were born in Konoha. Did your parents-"
"No. I learned it at school." Something tells me that he's lying, but I store it away for another time. Sasuke keeps walking and we're now near a shoddy and run down rural area with the familiar buildings and the same sickly yellow road.
"The Akatsuki could have used any religion they wanted. But they chose Christianity for its relative ambiguity and message of hope. They knew that Konoha needed hope far more than it needed anything else."
"But how would the Akatsuki manipulate a religion in such a twisted way? Are you saying..." And I can't finish it, because I don't want to say the words out loud.
Are you saying that I'm a sick product of hope?
"It was easy for them to gather volunteers to help them. At first, the work was simple. Pass out pamphlets, spread the word. But somewhere in the middle, the volunteers were coerced into a program of "peace." We still don't know much about it, other than the fact that "peace" involved experimentation and the promise of a new beginning for the whole world."
"So religion was their cover?"
"That and many, many other things. The fact that the Akatsuki still exists means that religion wasn't their only source of manpower. They could have worked under the guise of research and science during these last few years."
And suddenly, we're in the midst of ashes and a crumbling veneer. There's still a skeleton of the church, but it's only a weak and depressing shadow of pride and faith. It takes me a while to figure out why the church looks so hollow and broken.. The windows are all gone. Where there were once shards of color and peace, there are now gaping holes, empty eyes that seem to mock me and all that I believe in.
"Do you believe in God, Sakura-chan?"
"Does God exist, Shikamaru?"
"I wear this cross, because I believe in hope."
Slowly, I turn to Sasuke and watch what he sees. My throat hurts from the ash, but it doesn't stop my words.
"What can you do?"
If he's surprised by my tone of voice, he doesn't show it. "What are you talking about?"
"Everyone has their own story. Their own power. I want to know what yours is."
For a second, I think that he's going to lie again. But something burns in his eyes and I know that I'm seeing the truth.
"I can make you relive my memories." He rubs his eyes and looks at the wreckage in front of us. "I can also read your mind.. But only when I activate the Sharingan."
"Sharingan?"
"It's difficult to explain. It was constructed to torture criminals and spies." He smiles wryly. "For a while, the government wanted my head."
I laugh bitterly. "Same here."
We stand there in silence until I reach into my pocket and take out the silver cross with its golden tint. A burst of anger flares through my body and with a grunt, I throw the thing as far as I can - the cross makes a graceful arch over the dust and ashes and I look away before it falls.
"Idiot."
Sasuke comes up behind me and whispers it again in my ear. "Idiot."
An idiot for what, Sasuke? For believing in the first place? Or for throwing it away?
My eyes sting and the sun is burning relentlessly down the horizon. With one last look at the abandoned and empty house of faith, I turn away and sigh.
"It's not just beauty. It's hope." I run a hand through my hair and ignore Sasuke's concerned look. "Hope has no place in this world."
The rest of the day passes by sluggishly - faces blur, people are nameless, and there is no meaning in anything. I don't know what to say, what to feel, what to believe in..
So when I walk into my room, I'm not expecting to see Sai in the middle, moonlight splashing his pale arms and legs, sketchbook in one hand, pencil in the other. I'm not expecting to see the anguish in his face, the lost and quiet desperation in his breaths.
"Sai?"
"So you saw. You know."
Dropping my backpack to the floor, I warily step forward. "Know about what?"
About the hopelessness in hope? The destruction of God?
"My paintings."
I almost laugh. What was Sai's little problem compared to the rest of the world's? Why did I ever think that I could heal him when no one could heal me?
"Naruto?"
I hear my voice, faint. "I.. I'm just really tired, Sai. It's been a long day. Don't.. Don't bother me, all right?"
I hear his sharp intake of breath but it doesn't faze me. The lead is heavy in my heart and the bed is cold under my weight. I don't even bother with the blankets. The minutes crawl under my skin and soon, the hours join them.
Can't hear anything, can't even blink. My whole body is frozen now, like time, like space.
And then I feel the bed dip under another person's weight. I don't move, but the action startles me into breathing, into thinking.
"Sometimes, dickless, I forget that you need saving too."
Sai's back touches my back and he hums a tuneless song that follows me to a dreamless sleep.
The sketchbook tells stories and feels them. It knows people far better than I ever will. One could say that the sketchbook holds my true heart, my real emotions.
For my sketchbook to allow Naruto such careless permission.. I knew what it meant.
For this one night, I'll forget who I am and what I'm supposed to be.
-Sai
AN: Music - Decode by Paramore [alas, I learned too late that it's the soundtrack for Twilight] and Progress in Color.
WRITING RAMPAGE. KEYBOARD GUNSHOTS. AHHHHH. I was super busy today, but I managed to type up this chapter. So I'm really sorry if there's crappy writing quality (I'll fix that, promise) and I'm also really sorry for the long wait!
Also. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANY COMPLAINTS ABOUT RELIGION. Just please, please, please don't bother me about the evils or greatness of Christianity. If my own opinions about religion slip through the cracks in this story, then I fervently apologize. It is not my intention to either promote or bash Christianity, Buddhism, Shintoism, whatever. I WILL ALLOW constructive criticism - a reviewer once pointed out how unrealistic it was to have Christianity as the main focus in an Eastern civilization. Because of the reviewer, I went back and changed some of the plotline to include Christianity [after all, our dear Naruto did have some storytime in the US.]
Thank you so much for reading! I feel really lucky to have such great friends (and readers) on ffnet. I LOVE YOU ALL.
