Disclaimer: Ed, Edd N Eddy and all its characters are copyright AKA Cartoon. I am not using them for profit; I am simply using them to practice my own writing skills….
Author: Sorry this took so long! The next chapter is twice as long, but I'm halfway finished with it, so hopefully it will be up soon!
Chapter Twenty-four: The Home of the Kankers
A quarter of a mile, max. Was it enough, though?
"ONE!"
Ed closed his eyes. When he opened them, he looked at the monitor and saw that they were in a different part of space. There were now only ten ships, including General Rolf's; the other seven must have gone to Earth and Plankstar.
Certainly, that planet in front of them was the Kanker home world. Ed shuddered as he looked at the planet. It was almost as terrifying and gloomy as the Kankers themselves. Ed noticed that the planet vaguely resembled Deatho, the evil, undead planet from Doomplanet 23, the best of the sequels in the Doomplanet series. What other parallels to Deatho did the Kanker home world contain?
Suddenly, Ed found himself wishing he wasn't on a mission. It would be fun just to search the planet. But good comics avoid switching genres too much in the middle of the story, and going from Heroic Adventure to Survival-Horror wasn't any good. Sequels to comics could switch genres all they wanted though. Using this odd logic, Ed came to the conclusion that if he defeated the Kankers, the Heroic Adventure would be over and so would the "first comic." Then he'd get to explore the Kanker home world in a Survival-Horror-ey fashion.
"We must defeat the evil alien Kankers!" Ed declared. Skuashi and Targon-Troi glared at him for his offensive word choice.
"There should be a Kankerian Armada around here," Kevin muttered, glaring at Ed for a completely different reason then the two aliens.
Saraline nodded in agreement. "That would make sense. They must know we are coming! Sending out their Armada is the logical choice…"
Ed looked out of all the windows. No evil Armada to the right. No evil Armada to the left. He looked over at the computer screen. He couldn't read the program on it, but it wasn't making loud annoying noises, which probably meant it wasn't detecting anything dangerous and Armada-ey.
"Very suspicious," Kevin added after a second.
"Nevertheless," General Rolf muttered, "we must move on." He pressed a button on the computer, opening up a communication line to the other ten Space Ranger ships. "Everyone, prepare your suits for battle and prepare to land!"
Ten affirmative yeses came from the other ships. General Rolf nodded and began pressing buttons. Everyone sat down nervously. The uncomfortable landing seemed to go by in the blink of an eye. Then, way too soon, they were on the surface of the Kanker home world.
King Johnny, at General Rolf's signal, opened the door and began to step outside. Ed peaked out, watching, wide-eyed, as thousands of warriors poured out of the other ships.
"Wait-" Squashi squeaked, looking up from one of the monitors. Johnny pulled back, getting into the ship just in time. A bright light- red in color- surrounded and rushed by the ten ships. Ed watched, wide-eyed and horrified, as (in slow motion) the thousands of Space Rangers that had stepped onto the evil planet were vaporized. The screams of many filled his ears, and he helplessly watched as their bodies slowly crumbled to dust.
The red light faded quickly, but not quick enough for Ed to do anything to help them.
"Sir Ed, are you alright?" King Johnny asked.
Saraline and Skuashi started blabbering, something about the name of the weapon that had caused the red explosion, and how it only damaged life and not weaponry, and how it was absolutely, positively impossible for them to have another copy of the weapon. But Ed didn't care; he hardly heard what they had to say. I want to go home.
He didn't want to be in this comic-book. I want to go home. He didn't want to be on this Deatho-esque planet. I wanna go home! Sarah wasn't dead in his universe. I wanna go home now! The Kankers in his universe were not murderous monsters. Iwannagohome Forget bravery, he wasn't a Space Ranger that had created a universe! He was just a normal boy. And this thing was way too scary for a normal boy to handle. IneedtogetFay The proper thing to do would be to return to his home universe and send the real Space Ranger, Creator-of-a-Universe Ed back. He wasn't going to do this. He'd rather face his universes's Kevin's attacks, Sarah's "I'm-telling-moms", and even the Kanker's kisses. Anything would be better then-
"Move out!" General Rolf commanded.
Before Ed could protest, Targon-Troi and Kevin were pushing him onto the field. There, the surviving Space Rangers- still a good couple thousand- were waiting for Ed, or General Rolf's, instructions.
General Rolf, as expected, began yelling the instructions. Saraline noticed that Ed, who seemed angry before, seemed to have calmed down. Before she could ask, Ed tugged on her arm. "Who is that girl? She looks just like Nazz!"
Saraline looked into the crowd of Space Rangers. She noticed who Ed was pointing at- a rather pretty girl that seemed to radiate, despite the deadly environment. "That is Ambassador Nazz," Saraline explained. "She represents the peace-loving planet Makeupia. Despite coming from such a peaceful planet, she is one of the top-ranked Space Rangers. Does she exist in your universe?"
Ed nodded, blushing. Saraline almost groaned- it was almost as if he were a teenage boy, hormonally distracted by a crush. Then she remembered that he was, in fact, school-aged in his home universe. He probably was a hormonally-distracted teenage boy. Sighing, she went on: "She's a descendant of one of the Legendary Starters."
"The Legendary who?" Ed asked blankly. Then, "Gravy?"
Saraline checked. They still had time- Rolf was still explaining their attack maneuvers. Saraline was certain she already knew his strategy, and Ed was a good improviser, so… "Ed created this universe from another dieing universe. He brought a number of people- like his sister, Sarah- along with him into this new universe. Most of them have died of old age, and their lineages are gone. Nazz is the only known descendent of a Legendary Starter. She-"
Suddenly, a rumbled filled the air. Ed turned around sharply. The reddish-brown clouds in the dark gray sky seemed to multiply. The ground- dried, black lava- reflected the ominous clouds, casting a red glow upon the Space Rangers. Even the dead ebony frames of the trees in the distance seemed to glow red.
An army of millions was marching towards the Space Rangers. Their laughter and leering shook the ground. Millions of demons, the type that only should have existed in a person's worst nightmares, emerged from the jagged, volcano-filled horizon line- Iceshes, Trebles, Hunteriors, even Metalmen…
Nazz walked up to Ed, along with General Rolf and Kevin. "I think we'll need a new plan of attack, Sir Ed, General Rolf," Ambassador Nazz said with a light smile.
General Rolf nodded towards Ed.
"Um, General Rolf, I think you ought to make these plans-" Ambassador Kevin began.
Ed interrupted, speaking in a loud voice. He was furious now. The Kanker army had murdered thousands of his warriors in a cowardly blast of red light. Forget contacting Fay, forget heading home- he needed to avenge the thousands that had fallen under his 'watchful' eye. "PREPARE ALL YOUR WEAPONS AND YOUR MAGIC- AND CHARGE!"
Kevin's eyes widened in shock; all the other Space Rangers nodded obediently, preparing their weapons and their magic. "Are you insane?" Kevin cried. "You're trying to kill us all, aren't you, Ed?"
"Kevin…" Ed said darkly. "These Kankerians just killed thousands of our warriors in a single blast. Do you have a better plan?"
"No," Kevin grumbled, stepping away. He prepared his magic.
Then the moment descended, the moment Ed had seen and skimmed over in many comics: the panel right before the battle began. The sneering monsters, still many football fields away, seemed to run in slow motion toward them. Every rock on the ground, every cloud in the unearthly red sky, every gleaming metallic weapon stood out in sharp clarity. The magic- sparkling, bright and multi-colored- hovered around the Space Rangers. Ed was distantly aware that Saraline had handed him a Blaster.
He noticed a smaller Iceshe, ahead of the rest, with a particularly nasty expression. That Iceshe, being the cold-hearted being he was, probably enjoyed seeing the red light kill thousands.
Ed fired the shot, and the Iceshe was no longer. The battle had begun. Thousands of Space Rangers charged at the demonic army, and the sharp clarity was gone. Everything seemed to go unnaturally fast as the Rangers ran, chaotically, somehow knowing where Ed was planning on going….
Out of the corner of his eye, Ed saw a group of Metalmen aiming metallic razor disks at Johnny. Johnny ducked three, four, seven, ten- then Ed lost track of how many. The green magic encircling him turned into a thorny vine, surrounding the twenty Metalmen and trapping their arms, rendering them unable to throw the deadly disks. Before they had a chance to shoot lasers out of their eyes and melt the plants, a group of Space Rangers rushed in and shot their magic at the ground, causing lava to fly up and melt the metallic humanoids.
A Treble held up a microphone, but Ed was prepared. He turned around sharply and shot the microphone, melting it out of existence. Another shot and the Treble was gone, singing a note of sharp surprise.
Ugly Spgobons flew at Kevin, cursing his name and mocking his noble mission. Before they could prepare an attack, Kevin had summoned a tidal wave out of nowhere. The force of the wave's crash was so strong, nothing remained of the Spgobons. Noting this, most of the Kankerian army avoided him. However, Kevin enjoyed the sport of having to hunt them down.
To his left- a blast of dark light almost hit Targon Troi. Ed spun around and summoned the tiara attack, wiping the monster out before he could identify the species.
The volcanoes were now much larger, much closer. Ed could not see General Rolf, but knew instinctively that he was at the front of the troops, destroying everything in his path.
From the right, a familiar lyrical voice: "Hey, Sir Ed, why are you using a Blaster?"
Ed turned around, blushing furiously. "Umm… Nazz… Buttered toast?"
"Huh? What?" Nazz laughed. She ducked as a flying bat-like creature whizzed overhead, and began running faster. "It would be nice if we had ol' General Buttered Toast here to fight with us! We promised we wouldn't resurrect him, though-" Then her cool demeanor dropped. Ed immediately knew that something was behind him- and, judging by the sudden rise in temperature, it was a person with a good control of the lava in the ground.
A pink light surround Nazz, and she held up a hot pink, heart-shaped blaster. "Look out, dude!" A gigantic pink heart, infused by magic, escaped the blaster, followed by a trail of translucent flowers. The gigantic pink heart went in a straight line, killing all the demons within 30 meters but leaving the Space Rangers unharmed. The flowers grabbed a hold of various flying nightmares and causing them to implode seconds later, filling the sky with fireworks shaped like peace signs.
Ed's jaw dropped. That was the most impressive bit of magic he'd seen from a Space Ranger so far.
"Be careful, okay, dude?" Nazz said. She noticed something. "Wait… is Skaushi…?"
Ed turned around, still running. Skuashi was holding a broken blaster, and four golden spheres of light floated above his head. Dropping the blaster, he reluctantly clapped his flippers together. The golden lights flung away from his head, in opposite directions, and exploded.
The explosions replaced Nazz's short-lived record of most impressive attack: each of Skuashi's golden spheres eliminated all the monsters within 70 meters. They traveled a good thirty seconds before running into another wave of monsters.
Who would have guessed that Skuashi was so strong? Ed suddenly remembered how Skuashi's magic was strong enough to teleport 18 ships across the universe.
"Stop, Skuashi!" Saraline yelled from somewhere behind.
"Don't do it, man!" Nazz yelped in fear.
Skuashi muttered something about instability… tiredness… Kevin and TargonTroi rushed to defend the now powerless Pengua.
The ground trembled beneath them, softly but unexpectedly. Everyone jumped, but reluctantly resumed running. "Skuashi, I think you just killed us all!" Nazz yelled.
"Why?" Ed asked blankly.
"He can't use his magic, it's too powerful and too unstable! It destroys the fabric of time and space, yaknow," Nazz said. She ducked as a Hunterior threw an entangling net at her. Ed fired his Blaster twice in quick succession: one destroying the net and one destroying the Hunterior. Nazz stood up and continued her explanation: "That magic is probably making the world's core crumble or something!"
Oh, right, Ed thought. Again the concept that Skuashi could teleport 18 ships across the universe returned to mind, but in particular an aspect that had been bugging Ed subconsciously: If they hadn't made it through that portal, that entire quadrant of space would have blown up… Yup, that's very unstable.
Luckily, the rumbling stopped. Everyone- even the monsters- seemed to sigh in relief for a quick second. Then the fighting resumed, faster then ever. They were now passing through two dormant volcanoes. The space between the two was very small: only the size of a football field, and when thousands are battling that is not enough space. Ed went into monster-shooting overdrive mode, yet all his allies seemed to give him odd stares the seconds between battles…
"Ed, why aren't you using your magic?" Nazz asked with a pained expression, watching as a Space Ranger fell to the floor, frozen by an Iceshe spell.
"Umm-Umm… Why aren't you using your super cool spells? They're fluffy like chickens but dangerous like the monsters from the original Evil Cave movie!"
Nazz stared blankly, ducked an attack, and continued to stare blankly as she stood up again. "You know that spell takes a lot of energy, Ed. It takes me at least a half an hour to refuel my magic." Something was wrong with Ed…
They heard a scream from a group of Space Rangers very close to the edge of the right volcano. The volcano was definitely dormant: there was a cave in the side of it, and dozens of monsters were pouring out of it. A surprise attack! "Oh no," Nazz yelped.
Ed rushed to the volcano, blaster blazing…
…Saraline, being the type that could both attack and analyze in detail at the same time, was at the left volcano. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Ed rescuing the Space Rangers trapped by the dozen monsters. No other monsters emerged from the cave- it was a small surprise attack. When she turned back again, she thought she saw a familiar patch of red hair… "It couldn't be…"
"Watch out!"
Saraline turned around and, fast as lightening, and sent a magical beam at the Treble. The coincidental red hair was forgotten. She didn't notice Ed for the rest of the battle, but that boy had good luck… he was bound to be fine.
… "Spgobons don't have the ability to produce magical binds!" Ed protested. He was inside the cave, hands bonded to his back and his legs bonded together by a mystical purple glow. A small group of Spgobons carried him on his back, marching down long staircases deeper and deeper into the cave. "That never happened in any of the comics! Not even in the radio show!"
One of the Spgobons growled, "Shut up. You're making no sense."
"And Spgobons are afraid of fire!" Ed gasped, eyes widening as he noted the burning torches connected to the wall, acting as light.
"We do. Our leader doesn't. Shut up," the same Spgobon growled.
"Oh yeah, I gotta escape! I'll just summon my tiara thingie!" Ed said delightedly. The Spgobons darted looks at each other. This man had created their universe?! A tiara appeared above Ed's head, floating in midair. With a sigh, the leading Spgobon stepped away from the group, flew up, and grabbed it. He broke it in two.
"Hey, that's not fair! Sarah would tell mom if I did that to her!"
The lead Spgobon started growling at him in his native tongue. The words sounded much cruder then "Shut up."
I gotta concentrate… Orange juice… I'll summon an orange juice bottle weapon! It will turn my enemies into oranges and squeeze the juices out of them, just like in Attack of the Radiation Kitchen 2! Ed focused all his energy on summoning an orange juice bottle weapon.
It didn't work.
He remembered that it was easier to summon already existing weapons then nonexistent ones. How upsetting- an orange juice bottle weapon didn't exist. He focused on summoning his trusty old Blaster, but that didn't work either.
The Spgobons reached the end of the staircase. They threw him off of their backs and onto the floor, muttering in annoyance, and promptly flew back up the stairs.
Ed landed on his head, and then fell onto his front. "Hello, dirt…" Ed said cheerfully. He used to be a woodpecker, except with dirt. Maybe he could sprout magical wings and fly…
"Get up," a cold voice filled the room. A cold, evil voice. A very familiar voice.
The magical bonds disappeared from Ed's body, and he stood up. He smiled blankly, analyzing the room. Pretty nice for a cave. The room, itself, was circular. It had a fireplace (filled with lava- really a lavaplace), a nice shag rug right in the middle of the room, comfortable chairs, and various shining weapons of combat and torture hanging from the wall. Two people stood on the shag rug, and when Ed recognized them, he grinned. "Sarah! Jimmy! You're alive, alive like Sheldon Junior!"
Then his smile faltered. The two were smiling and wearing military uniforms…. Their smiles were pure evil, and they wore the Kanker uniform. Ed blinked. "S-Sarah?"
